Not sure if I'm safe, new behaviors

[LIFE IS SHORT]

I've been with partner 12 years, married 2. Recently, we bought a house and since our move, the increased expenses and the move itself have caused exacerbation of existing issues, causing him to swing from mild to moderate BPD to severe (imo). Hes knocked over chairs, banged his head on the wall, yesterday broke things, wiped blood on the wall after he bloodied his knuckles on it, and flung blood drops around. He threatened to take our dog away, and when I blocked him, told me he'd  knock me down, or hit me. He grabbed my arm and my hair but didn't hurt me. 3 weeks ago he kept grabbing my arm and trying to pull me out the door. In 12 years, he's never been physical like this or threatened me. He's been suicidal (and threatened it yesterday). But never anything toward me. He took my phone. So I left the house and went to a store, borrowed a phone and called the police because he'd threatened to hang himself. They went there but he's a smooth talker and got out of it. Now I'm afraid things will continue to escalate. He's on new meds past 2 weeks and still adjusting. But this new aggression is frightening. This is without even mentioning all the verbal abuse. I am unsure what to do. I don't want my family to know any of this. I hate it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi LIS and

Glad you felt ready to share with us what's going on. Shining light onto the situation is really important in order to chart a healthy path forward.

A few questions just to help me get a better picture of what's going on:

-do you two have any kids?

-you mention he had a med change; what are the meds for? how frequently does he have appointments with the prescriber, and is the prescriber a doctor, psychiatrist, or something else?

-are either of you in therapy?

-does he acknowledge the change in his own behavior at all?

...

You're right to call what's happening aggression, and I think anyone would be frightened in your position. It sounds like things have really escalated since the move; were there times in the past 12 years like this, or is all this pretty new?

I had to call a DV hotline for the first time this year (not due to my husband, who does not have BPD, but because of things his kids told us were going on at their uBPD mom's house). You just kind of never think you'll have to... until you do. And I really recommend it.

The thing to know about a DV hotline is that it's anonymous. You don't have to tell them your name, and it's not like calling CPS or the police where they might move ahead with an action without letting you know or without asking if you're OK with it. A DV hotline -- especially a local one -- can give you advice about what you can do in your situation to be safer, and what options you might have. They can help you understand what to expect from different choices, and can talk you through "is this DV or is it not". You aren't required to do anything they suggest (though you can!) and you are in control of the call; you can hang up any time.

The people I talked to on our local DV hotline were really calm, understanding, nonjudgmental, and good at listening. I'd highly recommend it for your situation! What you can do is search online for "DV hotline My City, My State". Even if your area doesn't have a local one, there's a national hotline:

phone 800-799-SAFE ((7233)
website https://www.thehotline.org/
text "START" to 88788

Do you think you can give that a try and then let us know how it went?

We'll be here;

kells76

[try2heal]

Jumping in to also recommend talking with a domestic violence service provider to get feedback on what you are experiencing and develop a safety plan.
While you are the expert on your own relationship, it is really important to know that an abusive partner's threats of suicide are a big red flag for risk of physical harm to the victim as well. Do not doubt your instinct here that you might not be safe. You have the right to seek help and safety.