It's actually over

[needsupport33]

Yesterday I ended things.

I've posted a couple times before. I'm a physician and work so many jobs to support my kids and her kids. Yesterday she started in on me (raging) in the middle of my telemedicine appointments and would not stop. After an hour of me trying to get away, and having 10 patients waiting on me and companies calling my phone, I said "we're done". This is after her threatening divorce about 50 times in the past 2 years.

As a result of that, I got split worse than I've ever have. She smashed my kids nintendo switch and xbox, and said "I guess you won't be able to play video games with your besties now".

I don't care about the material things.

How do you detach? I mean I know the answer - but Christ it feels like the past 3 years were a dream. It's so so so confusing. Confusing is the word.

She told her daughters about me saying 'were done' and that I was divorcing her and left. As they were leaving, her daughters started screaming at me while I was working still. I told her there was no reason to run off but this sparked more rage. She tried to beat down a door to a closet that I hid in.

And I still love her. But I have to be done. I am done. I meet with an attorney Monday.

I need strength.

[Tangled mangled]

Need support,
Hope you are okay? What you have described sounds like a scene from a horror movie.

While it sounds like your wife has left , do you have a witness eg video or another adult or someone else apart from her daughters who witnessed the damage to property.

Please seek support from friends and family who can be there with you and we are here to support you too.

DV help lines can also support you through this difficult period.

[athena wanderer]

Sorry very sorry to hear this. The raging with physical outbursts are so hurtful and scary. My ex burned my belongings and attempted to injure my business after our last fight; I was lucky enough not to be in residence at the time.  I cannot imagine having to hide in your own house.  You have the right to feel safe.  Sending you strength to do the thing we all know is soo difficult . . . leaving a person who you love with all your heart, made you feel so amazing when things were good but left you flustered and scared in the end.

[captain5024]

I feel your frustration and fear.  I also meet with my attorney on Monday to sign divorce papers.

How to detach?  I'm not sure we detach as humans?  It's a weird concept as we are social animals. 

I've been focusing on accepting who she is.  There are some good things and many bad things.  3 years and no significant change.  3 years of instability and a lot of stress.  I've changed a lot in three years and tried to make it work.  Although I've improved myself, for most of that time it would have been more effective to engage in a relationship with a pile of bricks.

Although I've learned through trial and error to not take it personally and to develop boundaries, my mental and physical health are still effected by the instability and rage.

I saw her mother at the dinner table once really let her father have it, verbally.  One of the most repulsive things I've ever seen.  I told my wife, if you ever treat me like that we will divorce, no questions asked.

...and here we are.

Acceptance is the answer to all your problems of the day...and mine too.

I wrote a long list of the past three years of episodes.  I think it was about 15 or so, the most significant ones.  I cringe when I see it, I see the part I played in the dynamic, the denial and the time wasted.  Yuck.

[anon3232]

You did the right thing. Even after this incident, there will be more. Given she smashed your kids' stuff, then it also shows she has few limits and would absolutely abuse your kids had she stayed. Her kids reaction are understandable. It seems like there's a tribal aspect to your (former) marriage and it's natural for them to take her side.

In any case, take care of yourself and your kids.

[anon3232]

Also, be on the look out for even more scary shenanigans from her. As with any bad divorce, there will be a lot of nasty reprisals but given she also has antisocial disorder, the stuff expected from her can be more unhinged. Make sure to change your locks, passwords, and inform your mutual friends/family on what happened. She would likely take every chance to vilify and sabotage you. Also keep records of what she said in case she frames you for domestic violence and sexual assaults towards her or her kids.

[Notwendy]

Please stay safe. This is not a safe situation for you. I think you know that. For your own sake, and the sake of your children.

Another possible scenario is that your wife will go back to being sweet, and love bomb you. She, and her daughters, have benefitted greatly- financially, from what you have provided for them. I hope you can see this behavior for what it is.  If she cared about you, she would not treat you like this.

Look at it this way. Let's say your patient comes to you for a check up. He's been working long hours, stressed, not sleeping well. His blood pressure is too high. Cholesterol too high from not eating well. Working long hours, no exercise. You ask him what is going on and he tell your exactly what you have posted here. You can see he's in an abusive and unsafe situation and you are concerned about his mental and physical health- then asks-- Doc, tell me what to do?

Whatever you'd say to him---go and do it for YOU. Take care of yourself, protect yourself and your kids.

[captain5024]

How did your meeting with the attorney go?

[needsupport33]

Thanks so much for asking...it went well. We discussed numbers and stuff (which honestly is the last thing I care about right now...like I don't care at all, which shows how traumatized I am inside).

More than anything, just feeling the guilt - which I know is normal but not rational.

[Notwendy]

Understandable but the numbers do matter. I've seen where spending money on high end items also can seem like an addiction for someone with BPD. With my BPD mother- spending money on expensive items and services is a form of managing her emotional needs- and so while it might bring a temporary reprieve, it is not a solution. Like other addictions, it also has significant consequences.

Seeing how she manages finances and also how they were allocated in our family- I have concern for your children. They are not your wife's biological children. She has no incentive to care about them.

Although my father earned the money in the family, BPD mother controlled it and her "needs" were priority. I am not ungrateful for what my father did for us. However, I don't know what he would have wanted if this weren't the dynamics.

What do you want for your children? Do you want to help them with college costs one day? It's not whether you do or you don't- but if you want to have that choice.

What do you want for yourself? Even if you aren't focused on material items- do you want some time where you aren't having to work to provide all these expenses? Disney is great but it's a special trip- it's not a need. Adults do need cars but they don't have to be high end luxury ones.

Please take care of yourself. Your children care about you too.