did anyone else struggle with this?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I met with a lawyer today to discuss the logistics of divorce.

Having alot of feelings on my end today. Especially guilt, regret.

But much more specifically - I'm having a very hard time blocking out the good times...the white times.

Like, did everyones BPD partner have a childlike nature about them when things were good? Like my wife is beautiful - but like would sing little songs, dance little dances, get excited about going to Disney world and "riding some rides! and getting treats!".

Like, there's something visceral - more visceral than normal, about leaving her. It's almost like if I imagined abandoning a child on the side of the road. Like leaving a little 8 year old girl crying when all she wanted is someone to love her. Of course, I am well aware, this is a full grown adult - who rages and destroys and causes complete mayhem to my mental health and my childrens' as well. So I know I have no choice.

But did anyone else struggle with this visceral guilt? Like I "just wish I could've loved her more", "could've not made that face", "could've always acted so excited to see her", "could've not been so stressed and overwhelmed by my custody battle", "could've picked her like she picked me".

It's just so visceral. Did anyone else experience this? This guilt over their child-like nature?

[needsupport33]

I met with a lawyer today to discuss the logistics of divorce.

Having alot of feelings on my end today. Especially guilt, regret.

But much more specifically - I'm having a very hard time blocking out the good times...the white times.

Like, did everyones BPD partner have a childlike nature about them when things were good? Like my wife is beautiful - but like would sing little songs, dance little dances, get excited about going to Disney world and "riding some rides! and getting treats!".

Like, there's something visceral - more visceral than normal, about leaving her. It's almost like if I imagined abandoning a child on the side of the road. Like leaving a little 8 year old girl crying when all she wanted is someone to love her. Of course, I am well aware, this is a full grown adult - who rages and destroys and causes complete mayhem to my mental health and my childrens' as well. So I know I have no choice.

But did anyone else struggle with this visceral guilt? Like I "just wish I could've loved her more", "could've not made that face", "could've always acted so excited to see her", "could've not been so stressed and overwhelmed by my custody battle", "could've picked her like she picked me".

It's just so visceral. Did anyone else experience this? This guilt over their child-like nature?

[try2heal]

I think that's what kept me in it. Over 3 years with an uBPDxbf. He would make me laugh, make me smile. We would cuddle, goof off, cook together. He'd try to wipe out the bad stuff with the good stuff. Until I came to this forum, I believed that the fun-loving, sexy, caring partner was his core and if I stuck by him I could help him find it. BUT he wasn't an 8-year-old crying on the side of the road. He was a fully functional middle-aged man who can turn on a professional side, turn on the charm, get things done, but would rather have me carry him.

[needsupport33]

Thank you for that validation. I agree. I just can't wait for enough time to go by that this guilt fades and hopefully memories too. I want the good memories out of my head. Like Men-In-black wipe my memory somebody please.

[captain5024]

Yes, this happened to me too.   I saw the warning signs for years, but then there were the absolutely wonderful times, too.  And the wonderful times were so wonderful.  I loved her MORE than any other woman in my life.

But as I progressed and learned how to deal with her the best I could (much thanks to this site, trial and error, my psychologist and friends), I realized she wasn't getting better...nor was she making the effort to get better.  Nothing in our relationship changed, except for me.  She kept violating boundaries and limitations which were said in therapy, over and over again...between us.

Why do you want to push away the good memories?  Those are the things that keep me sane, the reasons I kept going for as long as I did.  My friend told me yesterday "it's a shame this divorce is happening because she has a lot of good qualities".  She does, a lot of fantastic momements.  But, the bad now outweighs the good.  My body knows the score, and it is telling me without her wanting to improve it is unhealthy to continue.

[needsupport33]

captain Thanks so much for your reply - I think if I'm taking a look inwards, it's probably causing me pain because I'm not healed yet. But it's almost, if I'm being completely honest, a level of addiction.

Like, this woman, when things are good - is addicting. It's like, oh my god I NEED that. I NEED it back. I cant let it go, etc (although I am, you know what I mean).

Does that make sense? Maybe its an addictive part of my personality? Instead of looking at it more healthily and fondly (like it seems you are able to do), I'm like "ahhhhhhh god no!" or something?

I'm definitely open to more input on it though for sure - cause my head is a carousel of emotions - I myself now realize - is this what its like to be borderline? Maybe actually, as I'm writing this - that might be a good analogy. A breakup is what its like (emotionally) to be a borderline all the time? Maybe a good analogy?

[Tangled mangled]

Need support,
I’m female and experienced the addiction to pwBPD but in my case, I was more addicted to the trauma bond with my mum than with my bpd ex husband.

I had to go cold turkey with my parents years ago and this paved the way to my awakening to cluster b abuse.

With my ex husband, at one point I found myself unable to detect and detach from the chaos he was creating in the family. I also considered the possibility that I had bpd at the time because I was so reactive and sensitive to criticism or rejection.
I’ve read several accounts on these forums and with my own experience, it seems the victims of the bpd abuse end up acting like pwBPD towards the end of the relationship. Could be our defence mechanism kicking in but in a disordered way.

With my ex DV was the last straw, after the police and other services got involved there was no going back- the DV support I received was helpful in getting me to stick to the reality of my situation. So I guess that sorted out whatever addiction I had.
I’ve also heard someone describe it as the control of our dopamine source. So we are happy when they are happy and they end up controlling your dopamine levels in a way, this could explain a part of the addiction to the drama .

[Tangled mangled]

I think that's what kept me in it. Over 3 years with an uBPDxbf. He would make me laugh, make me smile. We would cuddle, goof off, cook together. He'd try to wipe out the bad stuff with the good stuff. Until I came to this forum, I believed that the fun-loving, sexy, caring partner was his core and if I stuck by him I could help him find it. BUT he wasn't an 8-year-old crying on the side of the road. He was a fully functional middle-aged man who can turn on a professional side, turn on the charm, get things done, but would rather have me carry him.

This!
Sounds like we dated thesame person only I was married to him for almost 10 years.
Mine needed a mother not a wife and having 2 sons is enough work for me already.

[Notwendy]

I met with a lawyer today to discuss the logistics of divorce.


Like, did everyones BPD partner have a childlike nature about them when things were good? Like my wife is beautiful - but like would sing little songs, dance little dances, get excited about going to Disney world and "riding some rides! and getting treats!".

Like, there's something visceral - more visceral than normal, about leaving her. It's almost like if I imagined abandoning a child on the side of the road. Like leaving a little 8 year old girl crying when all she wanted is someone to love her. Of course, I am well aware, this is a full grown adult - who rages and destroys and causes complete mayhem to my mental health and my childrens' as well. So I know I have no choice.

But did anyone else struggle with this visceral guilt?

It's just so visceral. Did anyone else experience this? This guilt over their child-like nature?

Yes, I watched my father struggle with this- he didn't discuss it much, but I also saw this and the "addictive" quality of the relationships. But it's also known that people with addictions will also cause harm to themselves and their families, in pursuit of a fix, and I have seen that happen too.

There's a child like nature to my BPD mother, and yet, she's a legal adult with full capacity to make her own decisions. There's a book, called Understanding the Borderline Mother, which describes 3 personas. Queen, Witch, Waif.One can be predominant but also a person can take on one of them at a time. If my mother wants something, she will at first, demand it (Queen) and if this doesn't get what she wants- then Witch, and eventually Waif. Waif is the most difficult one for me- it's the child like suffering- and it's difficult. It's not the same relationship as a romantic one- but to see my mother like that is difficult. One thing I have noticed is if she gets what she wants in "Waif"- then she also snaps out of it and is back to her "good self" again. Are these personas fake? I don't think so. I think the waif is real feelings at the time but also a learned manipulation.

It seems that my BPD mother externalizes her emotional pain and projects a need to a material need. So it was "this next vacation", or this "next thing" that will be the "solution" but that wasn't the actual reason for her feelings, and so material items or vacations were not the solution. Dad earned a good living- he wasn't a physician like you are but he was a well educated professional who could provide nice things for her and so he also, worked like you to provide them, in hopes of making her feel better. At the time, she really did believe she needed them and that it would be the solution for her. I think my father hoped that by providing these things, it would help her but these are not solutions for BPD.

But also what was hard to watch is my father being subjected to her verbally and emotionally abusive behavior. We kids were too and I wonder if it was hard for him to see this or did he just compartmentalize it- because on one hand he did protect us but we were still subjected to it. So I will bring this back to your situation- of course you are concerned about your "child-like" wife but she is still an adult and you have real children, who are truly dependent on you who are being subjected to her behavior and who also are watching how she behaves with you.

[Under The Bridge]

I can relate to your feelings totally - when you finally do cut the cord it does feel like you’re abandoning someone who can’t help themselves. You do remember those rare moments when they behaved as you wanted, usually with an almost child-like innocence and happiness and you just wanted those times to be permanent. Those rare flashes of ‘normality’ from my ex are still fresh in mind even today because they were the happiest times I ever had and she still is ‘the one’ I really wanted in life.

Even  though we know we did everything we could and truly tried our best, the guilt heaps up on us that we didn’t do enough or we did it wrong but we also know that the fault was never ours in the first place - we just adapted to it and tried to work with it the best we could but now we really do have to close things down or else this will be the cycle of our life. Some will put up with that cycle for the sake of the few good times but many - including myself - couldn’t live like that; the bad far outweighed the good.

BPD is, I think, the ultimate ‘unfair contest’ where the non-BPD tries to follow rules and logic while the BPD person is free to make up their own and change them every second. I just try to remember those wonderful times I had with her on her good days, keeping them in a sort of ‘time box’ of my life, while reminding myself that the bad times would have continued forever without her accepting her problem and seeking help.

It does get easier over time, you realise that you did the right thing, though it doesn’t seem like that now.

[captain5024]

I can relate to your feelings totally - when you finally do cut the cord it does feel like you’re abandoning someone who can’t help themselves. You do remember those rare moments when they behaved as you wanted, usually with an almost child-like innocence and happiness and you just wanted those times to be permanent. Those rare flashes of ‘normality’ from my ex are still fresh in mind even today because they were the happiest times I ever had and she still is ‘the one’ I really wanted in life.

Even  though we know we did everything we could and truly tried our best, the guilt heaps up on us that we didn’t do enough or we did it wrong but we also know that the fault was never ours in the first place - we just adapted to it and tried to work with it the best we could but now we really do have to close things down or else this will be the cycle of our life. Some will put up with that cycle for the sake of the few good times but many - including myself - couldn’t live like that; the bad far outweighed the good.

BPD is, I think, the ultimate ‘unfair contest’ where the non-BPD tries to follow rules and logic while the BPD person is free to make up their own and change them every second. I just try to remember those wonderful times I had with her on her good days, keeping them in a sort of ‘time box’ of my life, while reminding myself that the bad times would have continued forever without her accepting her problem and seeking help.

It does get easier over time, you realise that you did the right thing, though it doesn’t seem like that now.

Outstanding thoughts.  Thank you for posting.

[ConflictedWalrus]

Everything you described is normal and real. For me, what helped was developing a "parallel timeline" of all the negatives that happened around the time of that positive... My ex was particularly adulterous, and tended to act extra sweet as a cope when she was doing stuff (people) she shouldn't, so looking back and seeing the "unhappy timeline" behind the "happy timeline" really helped me keep my resolve thru the period of separation and divorce.

Example 1: "I remember X good thing that happened, but it was a week after Y betrayal. My fond memories of X are because of how much relief I felt that Y was over."

Example 2: "I was so happy that A happened. It was so sweet, but now I know that B was happening at the same time."

By way of analogy, it's "poisoning the memories" with an extra dose of reality to make them less appealing. Maybe not the most healthy strategy, but then again you weren't dealing with a healthy person either.

[SnailShell]

I was only with my partner for a few months.

But yes - I found her totally endearing.

And sometimes, when in a trauma response, her whole disposition was like a little girl in an adult body.

It raised something nurturing in me, alongside fancying her.

There was a combination of fancying, loving, nurturing, comforting, protecting, saving… all maxed up beyond the ‘normal’ amount (for which of that stuff is ‘normal’).

*Sigh*, I wanted to hold her and she wanted to be held.

But also no.

She wasn’t a partner, she was a woman in her mid thirties who I fancied, and also kind of a kitten which needed everything and couldn’t give very much of anything.

[SnailShell]

And sometimes it was a bit dangerous by the way.

Because she would joke about manipulation, and act child like to get what she wants. She would act mischievous as a cover for something more dangerous and impactful.

Which might have seemed sweet and funny in an actual ten year old girl (to an extent - in very small doses), but in a 36 year old woman, it amounted to playing with adult emotions, creating actual fights with real ramifications, and actually just abusing people…