Could the threats come true?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey everyone,

Well I started to write my story and it was way to crazy and had way to many twists and turns write it all down... .

Super short version, I'm 48, she is 45, her and I have only been married 2.5 years and she makes about three times what I do and early on became a financial bully, just one of her many wonderful controlling behaviors.  Over our short marriage she has managed to make financial moves (yes I was stupidly convinced to be party to some of them) that may entitle her to 1/2 of my life savings, she's trying to take mine and my boys home of 14 years and she may have even paid certain things in ways that could entitle her to even more?

We are in the early stages of our divorce so a lot could change, but I am truly afraid of this woman.  From early on in our marriage she would make financial threats after her rages that if I wanted out she would take everything.  One time she even told me that if I left she'd take everything and my boys and I could "scrape together the last of my pennies and crawl into a sh%$^# apartment, I bet your boys would love that"... .and now that there is a chance of this... .it all seems so sociopathic and premeditated?

Has anyone else out there ended up watching a crazy plan to destroy you unfold?  I am seriously sitting here wondering WTH happened and now she is even making a motion that I move out of my own house of 14 years and into a rental while we are going through the divorce?

NS


 

[NewStart]

Hey everyone,

Well I started to write my story and it was way to crazy and had way to many twists and turns write it all down... .

Super short version, I'm 48, she is 45, her and I have only been married 2.5 years and she makes about three times what I do and early on became a financial bully, just one of her many wonderful controlling behaviors.  Over our short marriage she has managed to make financial moves (yes I was stupidly convinced to be party to some of them) that may entitle her to 1/2 of my life savings, she's trying to take mine and my boys home of 14 years and she may have even paid certain things in ways that could entitle her to even more?

We are in the early stages of our divorce so a lot could change, but I am truly afraid of this woman.  From early on in our marriage she would make financial threats after her rages that if I wanted out she would take everything.  One time she even told me that if I left she'd take everything and my boys and I could "scrape together the last of my pennies and crawl into a sh%$^# apartment, I bet your boys would love that"... .and now that there is a chance of this... .it all seems so sociopathic and premeditated?

Has anyone else out there ended up watching a crazy plan to destroy you unfold?  I am seriously sitting here wondering WTH happened and now she is even making a motion that I move out of my own house of 14 years and into a rental while we are going through the divorce?

NS


 

[livednlearned]

Wow, that sounds awful, NewStart.

Are you both on the house deed?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and your boys too

What she says and what is real may be very different. My therapist used to equate my ex's behavior to that of a cornered animal, he often said things out of extreme fear and loss of control.

Are you still living together? Have you consulted with an attorney?

What papers have you filed?

[NewStart]

Are you both on the house deed?

Unfortunately yes, yet she changed course and refused to put me on her home... .then sold it last year and pocketed $65,000... .yeah

 

Are you still living together? Have you consulted with an attorney?

Yes, but she has made a motion to have me vacate the house while we are going through the divorce process say that I have made it difficult for her and her children... .which is a patent lie, her kids love me and still engage me in positive ways every day, the person who has become passive aggressive and untenable has been my wife.

I do have an attorney as does she and the divorce complaint has been filed... .on the upside it appears that I may now be paying 1/2 for her children's braces, her tummy tuck, her attorney bills from her third child's dads court battle and her two week trip to Costa Rica over the holidays... .yup, she's a great lady... .

NS

[livednlearned]

Ugh.

Is your lawyer assertive? I know it can be hard to tell when you may not be familiar with family law attorneys. Maybe we can help you size up where your lawyer stacks.

People here have had many experiences and may have some feedback based on what you've experienced so far.

A good lawyer can really make a difference.

[ForeverDad]

I agree with LnL, a good lawyer makes a huge difference.  Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy and Randi Kreger?  He describes the attorney we need in cases such as ours... .proactive, problem solving, assertive, experienced with court and trials.  Probably fearless too.  What you don't want is a lawyer who prefers to file forms, hold hands and probably agree to weak settlements.

A thought that has been expressed here before is that it's okay to ask piercing questions during initial consultations... ."If you were facing a case where your spouse was behaving as mine is, who would you choose to be your own lawyer?"  Then move those recommended lawyers to the top of your list.  The most expensive is not necessarily the best.

[NewStart]

Mine is solid, but so is hers and she's used him a lot.  Advantage is mine worked with hers and knows the game plan. His idea is to move forward quickly and agressivly and basically say, "That's a ton of claims let's see the forensic documentation."

Only problem is hers is as my attorney puts it a hired gun and even if what she's asking is not advisable he'll do it... .

All I can hope is there's some bluster to the myriad of legal threats and they are essentially paper tigers.  Thank goodness we don't have children together, but she took a house from the last sucker too.

NS

[ForeverDad]

She earns more and wants you to move out of your own house?  Let's hope a judge sees that it was your house prior to the marriage, she earns way more than you, she sold her house (and pocketed it all) and doesn't default to the typical "mother stays and father goes".

Some of the outcome may depend upon whether yours is a community property state.  Also whether her selling her house has an effect on marital assets or influence on what happens with regard to the current home, previously yours.

Judges are granted quite a bit of 'judicial discretion' in their rulings, you just have to convince them to buck the standard 'favor the mother' outcomes.

[The Teacher]

Hi NewStart:

I'm very sorry about your situation. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best?

My marriage was 3.5 years and her battle for every penny she can muster out of it is about to enter month 7. I got out of my house after being threatened, then she had her attorney file a motion 30 days later to keep me from coming back, then another to pay all of her expenses while living in my home. Both motions were granted. She began with going after my family summer cottage, claiming it was worth 270K. I said it was worth 90K. She dragged out an appraisal for two months. It appraised at 90K. Now she is after my main residence, which I haven't set foot in since August. Yep, you guessed it - it's getting appraised... .waiting on that. I've paid 100% of the bills on both properties, though with my house I made the mistake of paying down the mortgage so she is going after half the equity (minus my down payment and various other things that have turned me into more of a forensic account that a human being these days)... .Next up will be retirement. Meanwhile, I got her discovery and she is blowing 3K a month of her inheritance (yes... .untouchable by me) on frivolous crap while I am living on rice and beans.

But the peace... .ahhh... .priceless... .

I don't communicate with her in any way. I don't even read the filtered emails anymore... .they are creepy, threatening, insulting... .

The worst? She hid my deceased child's possessions after I filed. Don't know where they are to this day. Just celebrated the one year anniversary of my daughter's death.

This woman hid my dead child's teddy bear. Sort of sums it up.

I lost a kid. I just can't get worked up about losing this woman. Not anymore. If I do, then I am gifting her the power and control back that she couldn't live without in the marriage.

The divorce will happen. I just take care of myself.

The Teacher

[NewStart]

Hello The Teacher,

First, so sorry for the loss of a child, I couldn't even imagine.

Sounds like your situation is at least as bad and sorry to say maybe even worse than mine? The part that I can't understand is how our family court system is so weighted towards the aggressor, how is there not a grey area for the court call BS and not allow the lose of so much from one party after such a short time? In my opinion it is nothing short of premeditated theft.

Not sure about your situation, but what's even crazier is that my wife earns three times what I do, has banked tens of thousands of dollars while we've been together, is trying to take my children's childhood home and she is telling her children that I am trying to "put them on the street"?

At this point I'm just holding my breath as it just keeps getting worse... .at some point I'm hoping there is a silver lining... .driving home last night down the same road I have for 14 years, saying hi to the folks at the local store I've frequented for 14 years, talking to my neighbor about my boys and I walking to the park when they were little to play basketball... .and to think this woman may force me from our home... .our community... .and the market is so hot right now the odds of me ever being able to afford to live in the same area again are slim... .our family court system need to be fixed.

Have to keep reminding myself of what a nightmare it was to live with this woman and find peace in the future I have ahead without her in my life.

Hope thing turn your way The Teacher and again so sorry for your loss.

NS

[NewStart]

Hey ForeverDad,

We are in a community property state so there are some pluses and minuses to that and yes I am praying every day that our judge will see through this sociopath and find some middle ground. At this point though the way she did things including keeping funds sole and separate while having me deposit my checks into a joint account... .it's all so crazy it almost has to be premeditated, how else would she have known to make all the moves she has?

The hard part is that my wife is a very attractive professional victim who uses her children as tools of her victim trade as one of the fathers is dead and the other court ordered to stay away... .so yes, single mother and dead father come up A LOT... .she is so polished it is truly freightening... .if it was really about her children she would see how much her children have blossomed in their time with my boys and I... .instead here she is putting them through yet another radical life change.

NS

[Waddams]

You need a better lawyer.  Married 2 1/2 years and she's added to the deed - fine she gets half of 2 1/2 years appreciation but she has to move out.

By the way, since it happened when you were married, she owes you half the $65000 she made off the sale of her house.  After all, community property - that line of thinking works both ways.

You're lawyer needs to start counterclaiming very aggressively and show her for what she is, a money grubbing user whose intent all along was to defraud you. 

[livednlearned]

It's very easy to catastrophize in these divorces. Try to slow that roll if you can -- if you can, focus on problem-solving. Find an attorney who talks goals, strategy, tactics with you.

Otherwise, without that, her threats will fill your head and you'll be overcome with dread.
 
Most of us have been bullied in these relationships, and courts are not great at seeing that. The good news, the silver lining, is that you can choose to no longer be bullied. It's not easy and it may wake up very old family of origin wounds where you felt victimized.

But you can turn these things around. We will walk with you while you go through this. You are not alone 

[NewStart]

It's very easy to catastrophize in these divorces/ Try to slow that roll if you can / Otherwise, without that, her threats will fill your head and you'll be overcome with dread

Yes, early on she had me scared to death and worried she'd crush me and my boys, but I have good representation who has helped calm my mind and friends and family who have helped me keep calm and prepare to accept and move on. 

Most of us have been bullied in these relationships, and courts are not great at seeing that. The good news, the silver lining, is that you can choose to no longer be bullied.

Exactly, this woman has bullied me for years and YES I am done taking it and I think that is why she is becoming more and more erratic in her behavior.  My only worry, and my attorney's, is that the crazier she gets the more unrealistic her claims will get which will do nothing but delay a reasonable conclusion to our divorce.  His take, if she pushes it forget going back and forth we'll just take it to court, expose her for what she is and let the court decide.

But you can turn these things around. We will walk with you while you go through this. You are not alone

Thank you, I'm hoping to keep turning things around and finish this sooner than later so I can start moving on and heal.

You need a better lawyer.  Married 2 1/2 years and she's added to the deed - fine she gets half of 2 1/2 years appreciation but she has to move out.

By the way, since it happened when you were married, she owes you half the $65000 she made off the sale of her house.  After all, community property - that line of thinking works both ways.

Well, in a community property state things are pretty cut and dry, my line of thinking is like yours above. However, what I am learning is that things may or may not go as described above based on many many factors that if pushed almost have to go to trial to have the court deliver it's ruling.

You're lawyer needs to start counterclaiming very aggressively and show her for what she is, a money grubbing user whose intent all along was to defraud you.

Haha, I'm afraid that if she doesn't come back with some reasonable offer to settle, this is going to be the tactic we'll have to take.  Remember though, she is a very attractive and convincing victim with children without fathers to use as ammo... .she is an amazingly polished sociopahth and that is a tough opponent, not unbeatable, but difficult to battle.

NS

[The Teacher]

NewStart:

Thanks for your kind words. I probably didn't make it clear that, despite the terrible behavior of my wife,  I am really okay with whatever happens in my divorce. My wife is going to get more than what I think she deserves given how she treated me and the length of the marriage, but I am in a much better place because I no longer have her in my daily life. Others have alluded to this too in their replies to you. I think you take all threats seriously and document everything you can.

Good luck!

The Teacher

[ForeverDad]

I am praying every day that our judge will see through this sociopath and find some middle ground. At this point though the way she did things including keeping funds sole and separate while having me deposit my checks into a joint account... .it's all so crazy it almost has to be premeditated, how else would she have known to make all the moves she has?

In my young adult life I had spent some 25 years in religious volunteer work.  On one of my trips home I recall I was walking with my aged grandfather from a car to his house.  I probably drove him there but what I remember is for the first and only time he turned, gave me $5 and told me not to tell his wife, my stepgrandmother.  That puzzled me.  Years later after he was gone I asked my mother about that.  Her answer... .She viewed her money as hers and his money as theirs.  Come on, get real, even $5?

That observation and similar ones have been mentioned many times on this site.  It must be part of the entitlement that many acting-out, control-oriented pwBPD display.