Coming to terms that my relationship cannot be fixed/repaired

[Jiffy]

I have been dating someone for 3 years.  By far the most tumultuous relationship I've ever had with anyone, including family.  I have no doubt she has BPD......I have never pushed that label on her but lightly suggested it.  I have repeatedly asked that we get counseling.  She wants no part of it and blames me for everything.   The list is too long to share of behaviors that have baffled me.  One minute we are intimate and literally minutes later.......she wants me out of her life.   The jealousy factor is off the charts......she snoops every nook and cranny of my life and constructs these outrageous narratives about me.  I am exhausted.  Walking on eggshells in an understatement.  I want to get my life back.   I'm still trying to understand why I love someone that inflicts so much pain.  I cannot do this anymore. I want out of constantly going into the rabbit hole that I have to somehow alleviate her pain and suffering.  Bottom line for me:  If someone doesn't acknowlege they have something to work on and refuse any kind of help.............what in God's name am I supposed to do?  Would appreciate any thoughts/comments from folks.

[kells76]

Hi Jiffy and a warm

Loving someone with BPD takes some really unintuitive skills and approaches, and even then, that's no guarantee of success. BPD can be considered a spectrum disorder; some pwBPD are able to seek help and stay in effective treatment, while others are more deeply affected by the disorder and are very resistant to getting help. It's difficult no matter what, we definitely understand that here, along with your feeling of being at the end of your rope.

It sounds like you're in a "what you see is what you get" place with your partner. She has communicated to you that she is not interested in getting help right now. In a way, that can make decision-making easier, because you get to be in charge of your own decisions now that you have that information.

Often, when we're in a relationship with a pwBPD, we don't have great boundaries (rules for ourselves that are under our own control). We think we have to "make" or "convince" the pwBPD to change or heal or do something different, and we beat our heads against a wall when inevitably they don't. Actually, we have a lot more power than we think -- because it's 100% under your control if you're OK being in a relationship with someone not actively in mental health treatment. Many people can be OK with that, many people aren't; there isn't one "right" decision, just what works for you.

It does sound like the situation as it is currently isn't working for you... it sounds really, really stressful, and I'm sorry you're going through that. Am I tracking with you that you want to break up? Or are you considering some other options right now, too?

One thought I'm having is that even if she does not choose to go to relationship counseling, you can decide for yourself if you want to go on your own. Sometimes having that neutral third-party support can help us make wiser relational decisions, even if the other person isn't attending. I'd encourage you to think about finding a counselor/therapist, whether you and your partner stay together or split up; either way, that support can be so valuable.

I guess my ultimate thought is that as odd as it sounds, you're in the driver's seat here, because the question isn't "how can I make my partner go to counseling", it's really more about getting clarity on your own values -- the question is "is it a priority to me that my partner be in counseling, and do I choose to stay with a partner who isn't in counseling". Again, no right or wrong answers... whatever answer is there, it's probably inside of you.

Keep reaching out and posting... we'll be here;

kells76

[Jiffy]

Thanks Kells76.  I appreciate your kind response.  I know it's the end.  I can no longer withstand the splitting/discard cycle.  Even with knowledge of BPD and understanding better the turmoil my ex experiences.............without some cooperation on her part and a desire to deal with what's happening in her world...........I do not forsee a doable outcome....I am healing and have distance from this relationship and even family members have commented how much better I'm doing. 
I have listened to several first hand accounts of people with BPD explain in detail their thought process, splitting, discarding, etc....and it's super helpful information.  I would like to share this info with my ex and just tell her that she's NOT alone and that it's NOT her fault...........and that she has so many awesome character traits.  Not sure if this is a good idea.  I want nothing in return.........I definitely do not want to get back together.  Would love your thoughts about this.

[EyesUp]

@Jiffy,

Your story is familiar to many here.

In regard to your question - Consider:  What are your motives?  Are you trying to help, to soothe, to rescue?  Is it for your own peace of mind?  Something else?

What disordered individuals often perceive is often not what we intend, no matter how well-intentioned.

It's sometimes noted that it's easier ("easy" really isn't appropriate, but work with me on this) to avoid invalidating behavior vs. providing validating behavior...

If your goal is truly to detach, you may find that you need to give yourself permission to fade out - because permission or agreement or understanding is unlikely to come from someone with an acute sensitivity to rejection...

Food for thought.

Take care. 

[findinggratitude]

I would like to share this info with my ex and just tell her that she's NOT alone and that it's NOT her fault...........and that she has so many awesome character traits.

I have often felt similarly as far as this (and find myself in the same boat as you in general as far as the internal process of knowing where I stand with everything in regards to she and I ....though she has not been asking to rekindle after the recent brutal "run away" anyway....for some reason the word discard doesn't quite fit for me, and I see that behavior as more a fleeing from their own panic and cluttered paranoia than an actual discard of "us". It could be anyone and it's largely a construct of their internal "stuff".) It truly is ALL about them (and I'm saying that as a statement of fact, not in an accusatory way. In fact, I think it makes it easier on us to think that way, and I believe it).

I also recognize that my desire to "show her the light" about herself will backfire. If I look at history, essentially every move I made in the twisted chess game of our dynamic, backfired. And most of them were me attempting to prove my devotion or compassion or understanding or willingness to work through her problems. But no matter what I did, she interpreted it through the lens of suspicion, doubt and fear. Always. Therefore, I am certain that any attempt to make this "realization" that her issues are "common" and that she is not a horrible person would be seen as me blaming her or being judgemental. I also have to be very careful because I am aware that part of that would still be an attempt to "fix" her assessment of ME. The drive to prove I am someone who legitimately did care and that I am a good person needs to end somehow. It also keeps me "in" a relationship that is over, right? It's also worth exploring why I want to do that for someone who was, if you just look at facts rather than intentions, cruel and caused deep damage (financially and living-situation wise for me) in her abrupt departure.

[SinisterComplex]

I would like to share this info with my ex and just tell her that she's NOT alone and that it's NOT her fault...........and that she has so many awesome character traits.

I have often felt similarly as far as this (and find myself in the same boat as you in general as far as the internal process of knowing where I stand with everything in regards to she and I ....though she has not been asking to rekindle after the recent brutal "run away" anyway....for some reason the word discard doesn't quite fit for me, and I see that behavior as more a fleeing from their own panic and cluttered paranoia than an actual discard of "us". It could be anyone and it's largely a construct of their internal "stuff".) It truly is ALL about them (and I'm saying that as a statement of fact, not in an accusatory way. In fact, I think it makes it easier on us to think that way, and I believe it).

I also recognize that my desire to "show her the light" about herself will backfire. If I look at history, essentially every move I made in the twisted chess game of our dynamic, backfired. And most of them were me attempting to prove my devotion or compassion or understanding or willingness to work through her problems. But no matter what I did, she interpreted it through the lens of suspicion, doubt and fear. Always. Therefore, I am certain that any attempt to make this "realization" that her issues are "common" and that she is not a horrible person would be seen as me blaming her or being judgemental. I also have to be very careful because I am aware that part of that would still be an attempt to "fix" her assessment of ME. The drive to prove I am someone who legitimately did care and that I am a good person needs to end somehow. It also keeps me "in" a relationship that is over, right? It's also worth exploring why I want to do that for someone who was, if you just look at facts rather than intentions, cruel and caused deep damage (financially and living-situation wise for me) in her abrupt departure.

This is where the phrase of practicing the art of not giving a S can help. Now there is more to it than face value. Not giving a S and how it is applied makes all the difference. In essence, focus on what you can control and drop the rest of the S that you cannot control from your mind.

Do not respond to the ideal of not giving a  is that you are cold, heartless, etc. No, that means you are not understanding the intent. The intent is to cut through the fluff and only focus on what matters. Which means you focus on what you are responsible for and what you control. You have nothing to prove to anyone. In essence, perhaps it will be easier to see not giving a S as indifference. Indifference is a place you want to strive to get to so you have balance and so you do not pin all your hopes and dreams on specific outcomes...the point is to be in the middle regardless of any outcome. Make sure to stay away from win-loss scenarios by putting yourself in situations where it is win-win and mutually beneficial if anything. Make sense?

Keep your head, be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[findinggratitude]

SinisterComplex, I love the way you state this and let's just say it's a BIG struggle to practice this art

[findinggratitude]

My computer is glitching! But THANK YOU. I agree with all you wrote and love the reminder and clear way you stated it.