Read through my old emails with exes - I'm an angry mess

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As mentioned in a previous message I broke up with my ex about 3 years ago. A couple of weeks back I broke up with my most recent ex and that break up has allowed me to gain more distance and perspective on my 3 year old ex who had some mental issues that were never really fully diagnosed (was it bipolar/scitzophrenia/BPD, doctors never could agree but any mania always came about through life stress and there were some big stresses, deaths, miscarriages, unhappy relationship with me).

We were in a long term committed relationship, we were married, and she's the only person I've ever been truly in love with, I'd tell her that, but she never believed it, she always saw me as a player as I had cheated in the early days (even stranger, not because I wanted to be close to other people, but because I felt so scarily close to her it made me feel vulnerable and I needed to regain control)! I'm worried she's the only one I'll ever be in love with, she made a deep impact on me because she was so attentive and loving, the pain of being with her was so intense if she wasn't giving me lavish attention and conversely so was the pleasure when she was; i found her so beautiful and just a dream partner in so many ways, the attraction was immense for me and Ive never met anyone like her or even close.

I remember at the time replying to these emails when we were breaking up (these mails went on for 6 months) and just being utterly furious and let down by my ex who had been sectioned after failing to take meds, she always insisted she didn't need the meds and that the problem was stress around her - of which I was a contributing factor. To a degree, this is true, without any stresses or strains in her life she could probably manage herself quite well, unfortunately life didn't come that way and never does. Even more unfortunately, I can see now by reading these emails back again, I was a massive stress on her and contributed massively to the downfall of the marriage, I was not supportive enough - not even close.

Reading back through these mails, I was cruel and abusive, I know it came from intense hurt but I flipped into that behavior so quickly and I have done it since with my most recent ex, I've thrown away or made worse so many loving relationships now and the one I loved most had I managed it better, she was so committed to me and put up with so much crap, any real effort on my part, stopping the anger and getting hold of myself would have saved it - I can see from her emails a consistent message to me of her disbelief and hurt that I'd left, her wanting me to sort anger issues, a forgiving nature if only I'd change and I could not hear a word of it, in fact, I'd just project the whole lot onto her and truly believe and act like she was at fault. She had a lot of love and patience in those emails and I just threw the lot back in her face! I was convinced I loved this woman, I was, I do, what was I doing sabotaging things? It was never going to be an easy relationship, my ex was/is very intelligent, complicated and reacts very badly to stress it was always going to be hard work but if I felt so strongly, and I really did, why did I focus on the bad and jeopardize this marriage with pain/abuse and cheating? It was total self sabotage.  I remember at the time being at my wits end with her always bringing up stuff from the past but reading these mails, a lot of my wits end was projection, a good chunk of this marriage break down is my own fault. A huge chunk.

Things always start off so well, my girlfriends are adoring and I adore them back, but within 6 months I start to become resentful of them, I willingly give up too much independence at first and then I don't want sex or affection from them, I find them annoying and will lash out if I feel they make suggestions that may limit my freedom or criticize me. I've struggled with food for years, many of my gfs make suggestions which I can see now are truly born out of wanting the best for my health, but I dig into old patterns of bad eating almost to spite them.

I'm waking up to a horrible realization about the way I treat my partners and its scary because I want love and yet I am doing this/causing all this emotional pain to myself and others seemingly in blind rage or without truly appreciating the gravity of what I'm doing. I would state that I was a contender for BPD reading this back, but as I've got older that desperation to be with someone and those intense love relationships have disappeared. I don't cheat and haven't for 10 years, Im single now and it doesn't bother me, I'm not rushing out the door to meet another woman and I really want to sort this out before I meet, and hurt badly, someone else. I think the disinterest in sex after 6-9 months here is a real key as it happens almost every time, I can not keep myself attracted to someone very long before the resentment has set in.

Um. I know I don't sound like I deserve any help here but... .help!

[Ironcalves]

As mentioned in a previous message I broke up with my ex about 3 years ago. A couple of weeks back I broke up with my most recent ex and that break up has allowed me to gain more distance and perspective on my 3 year old ex who had some mental issues that were never really fully diagnosed (was it bipolar/scitzophrenia/BPD, doctors never could agree but any mania always came about through life stress and there were some big stresses, deaths, miscarriages, unhappy relationship with me).

We were in a long term committed relationship, we were married, and she's the only person I've ever been truly in love with, I'd tell her that, but she never believed it, she always saw me as a player as I had cheated in the early days (even stranger, not because I wanted to be close to other people, but because I felt so scarily close to her it made me feel vulnerable and I needed to regain control)! I'm worried she's the only one I'll ever be in love with, she made a deep impact on me because she was so attentive and loving, the pain of being with her was so intense if she wasn't giving me lavish attention and conversely so was the pleasure when she was; i found her so beautiful and just a dream partner in so many ways, the attraction was immense for me and Ive never met anyone like her or even close.

I remember at the time replying to these emails when we were breaking up (these mails went on for 6 months) and just being utterly furious and let down by my ex who had been sectioned after failing to take meds, she always insisted she didn't need the meds and that the problem was stress around her - of which I was a contributing factor. To a degree, this is true, without any stresses or strains in her life she could probably manage herself quite well, unfortunately life didn't come that way and never does. Even more unfortunately, I can see now by reading these emails back again, I was a massive stress on her and contributed massively to the downfall of the marriage, I was not supportive enough - not even close.

Reading back through these mails, I was cruel and abusive, I know it came from intense hurt but I flipped into that behavior so quickly and I have done it since with my most recent ex, I've thrown away or made worse so many loving relationships now and the one I loved most had I managed it better, she was so committed to me and put up with so much crap, any real effort on my part, stopping the anger and getting hold of myself would have saved it - I can see from her emails a consistent message to me of her disbelief and hurt that I'd left, her wanting me to sort anger issues, a forgiving nature if only I'd change and I could not hear a word of it, in fact, I'd just project the whole lot onto her and truly believe and act like she was at fault. She had a lot of love and patience in those emails and I just threw the lot back in her face! I was convinced I loved this woman, I was, I do, what was I doing sabotaging things? It was never going to be an easy relationship, my ex was/is very intelligent, complicated and reacts very badly to stress it was always going to be hard work but if I felt so strongly, and I really did, why did I focus on the bad and jeopardize this marriage with pain/abuse and cheating? It was total self sabotage.  I remember at the time being at my wits end with her always bringing up stuff from the past but reading these mails, a lot of my wits end was projection, a good chunk of this marriage break down is my own fault. A huge chunk.

Things always start off so well, my girlfriends are adoring and I adore them back, but within 6 months I start to become resentful of them, I willingly give up too much independence at first and then I don't want sex or affection from them, I find them annoying and will lash out if I feel they make suggestions that may limit my freedom or criticize me. I've struggled with food for years, many of my gfs make suggestions which I can see now are truly born out of wanting the best for my health, but I dig into old patterns of bad eating almost to spite them.

I'm waking up to a horrible realization about the way I treat my partners and its scary because I want love and yet I am doing this/causing all this emotional pain to myself and others seemingly in blind rage or without truly appreciating the gravity of what I'm doing. I would state that I was a contender for BPD reading this back, but as I've got older that desperation to be with someone and those intense love relationships have disappeared. I don't cheat and haven't for 10 years, Im single now and it doesn't bother me, I'm not rushing out the door to meet another woman and I really want to sort this out before I meet, and hurt badly, someone else. I think the disinterest in sex after 6-9 months here is a real key as it happens almost every time, I can not keep myself attracted to someone very long before the resentment has set in.

Um. I know I don't sound like I deserve any help here but... .help!

[Grey Kitty]

There is a lot that nobody can help -- You have a lot of regrets of your poor behavior in this r/s years ago, and there is nothing you can do to change what you did then. I doubt you would make any part of the world better if you tried to reconnect to that ex and apologize for your behavior; It sounds too late to try one more time. Besides, she does have real mental illness issues that would make it likely to fail no matter what you did.

That said, you can change whether you do the same things in the future or not.

How afraid are you that you will make the same mistakes in your next relationhsip?