My adult son has cut off all communication with me

[Distraught mom]

Wow. Never thought I would be here but here is where I find myself. I am 60 years old. My son is 31. I am married to my son's father and we also have a daughter who is 27. My son was difficult from the very beginning. Very bright. He somehow taught himself to read and by the time he was 2 he could read anything...the newspaper, the bible..anything. he became interested in numbers and math and by 3 could work simple addition and subtraction. He walked early and talked early. We took him to a child psychologist when he was 5 and he performed some testing. When it came time to get the results the Dr said we needed to make a choice if we wanted to let him do school at his own pace and he would probably graduate high school at 12 or leave him with his own age which is what we did. School was difficult because the teachers didn't allow him to be challenged so all of the work was way too easy. By middle school other kids noticed the difference and he became a target for bullies. High school was a bit better because he immersed himself in the quiz bowl team and did well. When he was a senior he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started a long trial of different meds. He had also been diagnosed with ADD and took Ritalin. He went off to college out of state but maybe had too much freedom? I think he started smoking and did some drugs to try and make friends. He ended up having to take medical leave for a semester to pay attention to his health. He was able to finish with a degree in English. Of course trying to find a job with that degree was not easy. He finally ended up taking a job in Chicago with yelp. He really was not ready to go to a place he had never been and live on his own. The job ended up being a sales job which he was NOT good at. I believe he became very overwhelmed and wasn't able to make friends. His work called my husband one day and said that he had not been to work in several days and he did not answer his phone. He didn't answer for us either and after a couple of days he called and was in a MESS. He had checked into a motel and tried to hang himself with his belt but thank God the belt broke. He checked himself into the hospital and stayed for a couple of weeks. Needless to say he came back home. I have to bck up and say that before he went to Chicago he was pulled over and he had a joint in his car. He was arrested and was put on probation. While he was in Chicago he smoked and sure enough when he came back he got called for a random drug test for which he was positive. He stayed in jail for 3 weeks before his hearing. I found an inpatient treatment center in South Florida. The judge said if he went there and completed the program he would not have to stay in jail. Which he did. I dont think he was an addict at all but it was there that borderline was first mentioned. After a month he came back home and started seeing a different psychiatrist and began therapy. This is when things started to improve and he was diagnosed not as bipolar but BPD. He resisted that diagnosis for awhile but finally concluded. Long story short.... well obviously not short.. he met a girl and fell in love. After a year they moved in together and a year after that they moved about 2 hrs south of where he grew up. He had a job in the tech field ( he taught himself programming languages and got certifications). I should say during this he also earned a degree in economics in which he also couldn't find a job thus the whole computer thing.
Things were really rocking along and going well. He was doing well at his job and earning a good salary and he was happy. Then he started talking to us about how he was giving it 150% at work but 2 of the other employees did the bare minimum and how unfair it was that their pay was the same. I could tell as the weeks went on this was upsetting him more and more. He called us 2 months ago to tell us he had quit his job ( i think a very impulsive kind of quit) but he wasn't worried because he could get another tech job. That ended up not being the case. He and I had always had a very good relationship and I was his biggest cheerleader. After talking to his dad and myself about his situation one night he hung up quickly and that is the last time I have spoken to him. He blocked my number and befriended me on Facebook. He did keep communication open with his dad and one day told him the reason he wasn't speaking to me is because I laughed at him on the phone. His dad told him that he had been on speaker and that he was sitting right beside me and I didn't laugh but he wouldn't hear of it. He just accused his dad for taking up for me. For the last 3 years we have given both of the kids enough money for xmas that they might take a small weekend trip. When my husband asked him if he wanted his money a little early since he had not find a job my son told him if the gift was from him yes that would be helpful but he did not want a gift from me. His dad told him that when it came to money thete was no his and hers just ours. My son said he did not want any gift that had anything to do with me so my husband told him he would honor that. He also said that he had told me how bad he was bullied in middle school and I did nothing.
It's probably relevant to say he has cut me off 3 years in a row at the same time of year.but never for this long. I have been told not to try to contact either him or his girlfriend.
So here I am completely and utterly broken hearted. I used to blame myself but I know I was a good mom. Or at least I tried to. But that doesn't help when he believes the things he has said. I never ever thought my family would be not intact.
I know that the only thing to do is to not contact him but it feels so much like abandonment which I know is the very thing I fear. I see his life starting to shred but there is not one thing I can do.
I am SO sorry this has been so long ( if thete is anyone still reading). It was just a lot of info and back story to my first post.
I'm miserable.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Happywannabe]

So sorry you are going through this. Just remember you did nothing wrong. The problem is his illness.Hopefully he will come around soon. Until then take care of yourself .

[js friend]

Hi Distraughtmom,

I have a very similar to you.

udd32 was an overachiever, walked early, talked early, referred to as "gifted" in school,  bullied as a child in school  and  has had only had 1 job after leaving school,

and no longer speaks to me.

She has said that I did nothing when she was builied at school, yet I found her another school, smiled when she received some bad news, and the new one is that I singlehandly ruined her childhood with my constant moods swings and that is the number one reason why Iam now not allowed to see my gc.

None of this is true, but in her mind it is all true, there is no reasoning with her, showing her the evidence, recounting memories or even bringing in 3 parties in so I have had to let her go. Pwbpd often blame another because it is just too painful for them to look inwardly and as I was always the one who was the closest to my udd I just became her target. We have now been estranged for 4 years now and I wouldnt be surprised if iam still the target of blame somehow.

I love the fact that your husband is taking the stance that you come as a package as you will need his support as you all go through this period of separation. It isnt easy but eventually hopefully you will come to terms with it which for me became easier when I reminded myself that that I didnt cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it.

[Distraught mom]

Thank you so much for this. It does help to know other people go through this. As you know it is devastating.  It has only been 2 months since e cut me off so I am still living with hope yet not knowing if he will ever return it is such a sad ad story for all of us.
Thank you gain for responding to my ost.

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

I know you're in pain, but rest assured, it's not your fault.  Your son is bumping up against adulthood with deficits in emotional intelligence, and he's finding it's very hard.  Granted, he sounds high-functioning, because he's been able to complete studies and work various jobs.  But he's probably very emotional and easily triggered by people around him, including co-workers, for example.

He probably quit his job impulsively (i.e. without another job lined up already), and he regretted it.  Because he can't deal with that pain, which probably feels ten times worse than for regular folks, he's taking it out on you.  It doesn't even matter whether you laughed or not when speaking with him on the phone.  He wants to blame YOU, and probably invent a reason not to talk to you for a while, lest you ask him about his job and remind him of his difficult situation.  I bet he's dredging up ancient grievances from childhood.  This is a coping mechanism--he's trying to blame an awful childhood for his current problems, because he needs to deflect responsibility, to avoid his very real pain.  My advice would be to give him time and space to get back to baseline.  Unfortunately, with BPD, the timelines can be protracted.

It's not your fault.  His best hope would be to accept that he's not feeling well and try to get some therapy, to learn how to cope with disappointments and manage his emotions better.

All my best to you.

[BPDstinks]

my heart goes out to you (all of you!)

My 24 y/o daughter (pwBPD) cut ties with me, her father & sister for ZERO reason, no warning; other than, pwBPD said I enabled her (looong story...I did EVERYthing she asked me after she was diagnosed), it will be 2 years on 6/1/24 since I have seen my pwBPD; she texts me every now & than, ONLY if she needs something & is, again, out of the blue, friendly with my mother (her grandmother), so, while I was very sad about this, I am grateful I have contact through my mother; I have wracked my brain for a reason...I am always befuddled...this will be our second minimal contact holiday, so....i have ZERO advice, other than, make the best out of your time...I know, it is "easier" said than done, however, that is all i have

[Here to Learn]

Thank you so much for this, OP. Parts of your post could have been written by me - the similarities are stunning. I just turned 60 and my son is 32, with one younger sib. My son has always had challenges, including a language processing disorder and being bullied in middle school and high school.

A couple years ago we became aware that he'd gone down several conspiracy theory rabbit holes and had become obsessed with them. Just before Christmas last year he broke up with his girlfriend of 10+ years (likely related to his increasing obsession with fringe ideas). The breakup seemed to have triggered/uncovered an underlying mental illness and the ups and downs have been scary and exhausting.

My husband (his father) and I recently took advantage of an EAP program, which allowed the two of us to talk with a counselor to try to learn how to help our son - and get coping strategies for ourselves. Fortunately, our marriage is rock solid and we're supporting one another as best we can.

Last weekend, we had a little holiday get-together with the family, and for second year in a row, his agitation went from zero to 60 in a matter of minutes - seemingly out of the blue - then he abruptly stormed out and subsequently ghosted us. My husband  and I are in a nearly constant state of confusion and worry. We're very new to this and your post gave me hope that I can learn something here.

[Distraught mom]

I am pretty sure I need therapy myself. I cry a lot. I feel like my heart is broken and I may never fully recover. I feel like I have lost a child just the same if he had died.
For the first time in my whole life I didn't put up 1 decoration for Christmas. I kept thinking with each day it has to get better.
I read the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells" which was in some ways helpful. It seems as if the only answer is therapy. I'm sure deep down he knows that. Without therapy it is extremely upsetting and depressing. I wonder if my husband could talk to him about that but i don't want him to lose contact with my husband since he is the only one he still talks to.
The holidays really suck. I am trying to just concentrate on the people who ARE here but it I so dang hard. I signed up to work Christmas day just to not be here.
Im reading everything I can. I know he can still feel empathy. He is making plans to go see his aunt in a nursing home who is about 2 hours drive. He also visited another family member who is in a memory care unit.
Sometimes on days when I'm feeling sorry for myself I just think how much I dont deserve to be in this spot. I lived him and hugged him and taught him and went to all of hi events be it quiz bowl or band or soccer etc. I even quit work for the first 5 years of his life to be with him at home.
And then i remember that many of us get things that we don't deserve good or bad.
Thank you all for your comments.