undiagnosed BPD? suicide and control

[Parents! Get help here!]

my adult daughter has great difficulty regulating her emotions and has many symptoms of BPD. She refuses to get assessed or do treatment. She lives hundreds of miles away and keeps her address secret. She calls in the middle of the night screaming and yelling at me. She says her piece for hours then hangs up, calls back, hangs up, then blocks me. She does this after threatening suicide and knows I can do nothing. I try to listen and acknowledge her feelings. She is demanding and I feel like I'm being held hostage. I have attempted to set boundaries with her but fear if I do she will kill herself. I have read several articles and love the information on this site. She uses the distance and me not knowing where she is to say horrible things to me. I am weary and I don't know what to do. I can't continue like this. She needs help and I am starting to get migraines and other physical symptoms due to stress. I will not forgive myself if she succeeds in ending her life. Do you have any advice? Please and thank you

[qz]

my adult daughter has great difficulty regulating her emotions and has many symptoms of BPD. She refuses to get assessed or do treatment. She lives hundreds of miles away and keeps her address secret. She calls in the middle of the night screaming and yelling at me. She says her piece for hours then hangs up, calls back, hangs up, then blocks me. She does this after threatening suicide and knows I can do nothing. I try to listen and acknowledge her feelings. She is demanding and I feel like I'm being held hostage. I have attempted to set boundaries with her but fear if I do she will kill herself. I have read several articles and love the information on this site. She uses the distance and me not knowing where she is to say horrible things to me. I am weary and I don't know what to do. I can't continue like this. She needs help and I am starting to get migraines and other physical symptoms due to stress. I will not forgive myself if she succeeds in ending her life. Do you have any advice? Please and thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi qz and welcome to the group 

What a burden you have, with the fear that your daughter may take her life, coupled with the exhaustion of hearing the rants and threats over and over. That's not easy to tolerate.

Suicidality is so difficult to have in the family -- you feel like somehow it's your responsibility to "not do the wrong thing" and to keep the person alive. It's too much, and it takes a toll on you. That's even with the knowledge that you cannot control whether she commits suicide or not -- we want to believe there is, but it's in her hands, not yours.

One unintuitive skill we learn when BPD is involved is that actually, we need to take care of ourselves first. Nobody is helped when we're depleted and wiped out. Endless giving to others doesn't actually help them or us. When we take care of ourselves first, we are then in a more grounded and centered place, with resources, so that we can mindfully decide on an effective path forward.

The fear must be a big hurdle to self-care. I wonder if there are smaller steps you can take, that might feel more do-able, in that direction?

...

Have you ever called a suicide hotline yourself, to describe the situation you're in, and ask them what they would recommend? They have lots of experience and may be able to share options with you that you haven't thought of yet. The 988 hotline can be reached via call, text, and chat. What do you think about giving that a try, and letting us know how it goes?

We'll be here for you;

kells76

[qz]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you. I will try to call 988 myself and see what they suggest. Another wrinkle- my daughter is in Canada. Does 988 reach there? is there a world wide number?

[Sancho]

Hi qz
It does sound like BPD that's for sure. I agree with Kells76 - especially in relation to taking some small steps to at least begin turning the focus to your own health.

My DD lives with me - and yes it is tough! But just recently, reading the posts I came to see there was one advantage. My DD has huge outbursts and talks about her life being meaningless and she may as well commit suicide etc.

Then several hours later I can hear her laughing on the phone to a friend.

You are at an enormous disadvantage in that the phone call ends and you are left on 'high alert'.

Can I ask a couple of things? How often are the phone calls and is there a pattern to when they happen? What time of the day is it where your DD is? Does your DD live alone?

One more! How long has this been happening?

As Kells76 mentioned, knowing how to respond is really important. I think it's also important to step back and try to assess in your own mind how likely it is that your DD does take her life.

I think someone who has BPD experiences intense emotional distress and the thought of suicide is a way to tell themselves that there is a way out of this. This thought in itself can ease the distress - it gives them a sense of control.

I also think that dumping all this on someone else lessens the likelihood of suicide. Think of it as a pressure cooker - the steam builds up and up until finally the whistle is screaming. By unloading the distress onto someone else, the relief can be enormous.

Thanks for posting and I hope you don't mind all the questions!

[kells76]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you. I will try to call 988 myself and see what they suggest. Another wrinkle- my daughter is in Canada. Does 988 reach there? is there a world wide number?

It does look like 988 works in Canada:

https://988.ca/

https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/mental-health-services/mental-health-get-help.html