Navigating holidays

[Jkc]

How do you navigate the stress?

I just want some sense of normal and it feels impossible. I'm trying but it's heavy.

Dd18, lives here but gone often.

Just want a conflict free Christmas and she didn't come home last night after I asked because of bad roads (and then just didn't respond to me either). And her car has check engine lights. She gets kinda entitled about that. I am worried she's going to set my husband off, and holidays are already a huge stretch for him. And my 15 year old has had some hard struggles this year too and just wanted a nice holiday for her too.
I try to say lower our expectations but it's so hard.

So anxious. Overcompensating especially with husband struggling etc. And obviously posting here showing I'm not sleeping great either...

We always do family Christmas morning but I don't know if she will be here or if she will be super confrontational. Then the next day we are supposed to drive to inlaws which could be good for her to see cousins but... And then following to my parents/brother, which is a $ hour drive.



What do you do to handle the stress and sadness and everything out of your control and how do you help family members struggling with the same. (And the worry about BPD person)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Jkc
You hit the nail on the head when you said it is out of your control. I would be falling apart with anxiety in anticipation of getting through the normal Christmas routine you describe with 18 year old DD.

The worst day I think is the day after - off to in-laws, long drive then parents.

I think how that day works out will depend to some extent on how tomorrow goes ie if DD comes home, whether she explodes etc. Try not to get anxious about whatever is within your immediate family. You all know the situation and have had to deal with it many times.

So I would go step by step.

You mention how good it would be for DD to catch up with cousins. Yes it would, but if DD is in a state of easy triggering, then that could go pear shaped.

Is it an option to ask DD tomorrow whether she wants to go with the family the day after? I know this would be difficult for you, but I think offering choice can give a bpd person the opportunity to avoid a situation that they feel in themselves, they will end up 'losing it'.

I am not sure that life can be 'normal' with BPD. When we try to conform to the picture of a happy family Christmas - life's drama with BPD can just upend the whole thing.

Here there is quite some confusion and chaos atm. DD has been staying at a friend's place for a few weeks now. I picked her up but she intends to cook roast dinner tomorrow and take it back to this friend's place. Meanwhile her DD didn't know of her plan so I had to tell her so she was not surprised tomorrow. GD is upset.

Meanwhile I have made the potato salad because I have no idea what DD will be doing in the kitchen tomorrow.

Ps she has also brought home a huge pile of washing, a lot of which seem to be folded and unused - but she wants them washed!

So I had one idea of what was happening today and tomorrow - but all that has been upended!

Like you I would so like to just be able to plan a day and have it happen as planned. Stay strong to get through this difficult time.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  for all who ARE navigating Holidays...best of luck!  For those (like me!) whose pwBPD is "estranged" (this is the 2nd year) my heart goes out to you!  I have learned to just make the best of the day with those who ARE present...although, I know that is easier said than done

[BIRD86]

I feel your pain.
My Undiagnosed BPD daughter chose to spend the night with her friend. Didn’t wanna come to eat dinner with the whole family. Up until today she’s hasn’t even say merry Christmas.
She just doesn’t care about family. Only when she needs something. I am glad I got to spend time with love ones and was able to manage to have a Christmas Eve in peace.
But my heart aches of how little love and empathy she shows towards family. I am a bit down today. I got her a Christmas present still seating in my car.