Questions to ask professional

[Sadhappy]

Hi, I’m married to my spouse for 4 yrs but living together almost 8 yrs and we have a 3yr old kid. Spouse was recently diagnosed with BP and complex PTSD. Previously was diagnosed with post partum depression, bipolar disorde, anxiety, depression, adhd. Like an awakening, I understood everything which has been happening in the household for the past 8 yrs after bpd diagnosi and reading about all the things bpd partner do.

When we first met she was not working and started few contract jobs and kept quitting due to issue with colleague/manager etc. Past 6-7 yrs she’s been a stay at home spouse but I was the one expected to clean home, cook everyday, go to job and pay for every single thing. Since I’m from a different culture and also I should have handled some things better regarding showing her to my family in the beginning, I took all the scoldings, physical abuse, angry with me for any simple thing you can imagine…thinking I did a mistake so it’s justified she’s reacting this way. She has impulsive spending habit and doesn’t care a single bit that I’m getting into debt. I appreciate any little money from fema or ssdi she would give me but only if I ask her and will be very angry about it. She started getting ssdi amount this yr and gave her the responsibility to pay for daycare and groceries herself instead of sending me money to pay it. She did for few months and stopped it.psychiatrist and therapist mentioned she seems to have attachment issue with the kid and she spends max 30 mins with the kid and goes into her room and watch fb insta reels whole day. she wont even care if the kid ate at time . So I'm taking care of baby the whole time while also managing my full time work when there’s no daycare or any time excluding daycare time. She was recently admitted to in patient psych ward for violent episode towards me and now she’s in residential treatment. I was able to manage all of these before the kid but now it’s becoming really exhausting. The main reason being she ignoring the kid 95% of the time. I kept asking her if she cannot do anything at home it’s fine but  at least stop screaming and getting angry at me 80% of the time. Everything is a struggle be it financial, getting kid healthy foo etc. Whenever she does little bit of care for the kid, she never cooks anything healthy, it’s either frozen junk food or juice or chips. I told her many times not to play with kids life and she can do anything she wants to do with me. Psychiatrist has not revealed to her about bpd since the dr was scared she would take it very bad and have to stabilize. Only I know the bpd diagnosis. My question is what exactly I should tell the new 3 week residential treatment place to make her understand what she’s doing and try to be better as much as possible.

I don’t want to divorce at this point of time since I’m still hopeful that she might get better since she’s good at seeking help. But at the same time if she continues spending impulsively, not contributing anything to family, showing anger for every simple thing, not caring about the kid then I have to take a hard decision. Psychiatrist and couple therapist both indirectly nudged me to separate for the safety of the kid since she becomes violent at times and kid is watching everything. Pls ask more questions if needed since everything cannot be covered in a single post and I tried to touch topics as much as I can. Pls help, thanks!

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[kells76]

Hello Sadhappy and welcome to the group! You'll meet many members here in similar situations -- married for years, with a child or children, and just now learning about BPD. You are definitely not alone.

It sounds like some pretty serious things have happened recently:

She was recently admitted to in patient psych ward for violent episode towards me and now she’s in residential treatment. ... Psychiatrist has not revealed to her about bpd since the dr was scared she would take it very bad and have to stabilize. Only I know the bpd diagnosis. My question is what exactly I should tell the new 3 week residential treatment place to make her understand what she’s doing and try to be better as much as possible.

What is the focus of the residential treatment center? For example, some RTCs focus on drug addiction, some focus on eating disorders, etc. Is the one she is in for BPD specifically, or something else?

If you are in the United States, typically your spouse will have to sign some kind of release or waiver for her doctors to disclose information to you. Has she done that?

That being said, while doctors cannot disclose info to you without consent, you can tell doctors and the treatment team anything you like (though there is no guarantee that they will do with it what you wish). If you have contact info for her current RTC team, you could consider sharing the psychiatrist's contact info with them, and vice versa. You might phrase it as: "Hi team, thanks for caring for Wife right now. While I understand that without her consent, you can't update me on her treatment, I do want to share some info with you that I've been concerned about and that I'm not sure she's shared with you. Her psychiatrist, as far as I know, did give her a diagnosis of BPD. Here is the psychiatrist's contact information, and I will also give the psychiatrist a heads up that you may be in touch. Please reach out if you have any questions for me. Thank you; Mr. Sadhappy"

I don’t want to divorce at this point of time since I’m still hopeful that she might get better since she’s good at seeking help. But at the same time if she continues spending impulsively, not contributing anything to family, showing anger for every simple thing, not caring about the kid then I have to take a hard decision. Psychiatrist and couple therapist both indirectly nudged me to separate for the safety of the kid since she becomes violent at times and kid is watching everything. Pls ask more questions if needed since everything cannot be covered in a single post and I tried to touch topics as much as I can. Pls help, thanks!

These are weighty decisions.

Is there a treatment plan for her, for after she is discharged from the RTC?

In terms of her being violent in front of your child, in the USA that can be a big deal -- even if she is not hurting your child physically.

Some US states have laws about one parent "allowing" the children to witness the other parent being violent. It is taken very seriously. If the non-violent parent does not protect the children from being around the violent parent, the non-violent parent can be legally responsible.

One helpful step you can take is to call or text a domestic violence hotline. DV hotlines are free, anonymous, and non-judgmental. They can help you understand the legal requirements you have in your situation in your area. They will also understand if you want to remain a family and reconcile with your spouse, and they can help you put together a "safety plan" to keep all three of you as safe as possible when you are in the same home. That is not a guarantee that you will never have to divorce -- but calling the hotline will help you know what is possible in your situation, and will help you prioritize your child's safety above all.

In the USA, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has a website, and also a free phone number:

1-800-799-7233

You can text them by sending "START" to:

88788

...

Do you think you could try contacting a DV hotline, and letting us know what they have to say? (I've done it before -- you wouldn't be alone).

Fill us in some more, whenever you get a chance;

kells76