Bizarre accusations and expected forgiveness during estrangement

[wannabeamomma]

My bpd son (28 yo) last spoke to me in February. The conversation went well until out of nowhere he insisted that I admit that I traumatized him as a child by acting like a monster and chasing him through the house. (Didn’t happen.) He even sent me an article about daycare workers getting criminally charged for scaring kids by wearing scary masks at Halloween. (Ironically, he use to love scary movies, created a haunted house in our back yard one Halloween and use to go around on Halloween night scaring little kids dressed as the Danny Darko evil bunny.)

His accusation took me aback. Everything I read about validating went out the window. I was stumped and could only respond by saying I did not recall doing so. He abruptly ended the conversation and said he was at a point that he could take or leave me.

Since then I text him but he never responds. Even when I reached out after I kept getting emails from his apartment complex about renewing his lease (I’m the co-signer). I went ahead and co-signed since he pays his bills and I didn’t know the best way to deal with the issue since he wasn’t responding to me.

Shockingly he recently sent me a text telling me he forgives me whether I remember “it” not. But he is “still healing and working through things” I and my ex-husband “inflicted” upon him. He went on to say he has boundaries and is still uncomfortable with me “being in his life.” But, he added that when/if he gets to that point he will reach out. If he does,I sure hope I can respond appropriately.

Based up his social media posts, he has recently reconnected with God and is seeing a therapist. I am grateful for being forgiven for whatever imagined wrongs I have committed (I cannot think of any since he was spoiled and coddled too much if anything).

I posted this to give others hope that their child may “forgive” them  and contemplate a relationship.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wannabeamomma]

My bpd son (28 yo) last spoke to me in February. The conversation went well until out of nowhere he insisted that I admit that I traumatized him as a child by acting like a monster and chasing him through the house. (Didn’t happen.) He even sent me an article about daycare workers getting criminally charged for scaring kids by wearing scary masks at Halloween. (Ironically, he use to love scary movies, created a haunted house in our back yard one Halloween and use to go around on Halloween night scaring little kids dressed as the Danny Darko evil bunny.)

His accusation took me aback. Everything I read about validating went out the window. I was stumped and could only respond by saying I did not recall doing so. He abruptly ended the conversation and said he was at a point that he could take or leave me.

Since then I text him but he never responds. Even when I reached out after I kept getting emails from his apartment complex about renewing his lease (I’m the co-signer). I went ahead and co-signed since he pays his bills and I didn’t know the best way to deal with the issue since he wasn’t responding to me.

Shockingly he recently sent me a text telling me he forgives me whether I remember “it” not. But he is “still healing and working through things” I and my ex-husband “inflicted” upon him. He went on to say he has boundaries and is still uncomfortable with me “being in his life.” But, he added that when/if he gets to that point he will reach out. If he does,I sure hope I can respond appropriately.

Based up his social media posts, he has recently reconnected with God and is seeing a therapist. I am grateful for being forgiven for whatever imagined wrongs I have committed (I cannot think of any since he was spoiled and coddled too much if anything).

I posted this to give others hope that their child may “forgive” them  and contemplate a relationship.

[wannabeamomma]

My bpd son (28 yo) last spoke to me in February. The conversation went well until out of nowhere he insisted that I admit that I traumatized him as a child by acting like a monster and chasing him through the house. (Didn’t happen.) He even sent me an article about daycare workers getting criminally charged for scaring kids by wearing scary masks at Halloween. (Ironically, he use to love scary movies, created a haunted house in our back yard one Halloween and use to go around on Halloween night scaring little kids dressed as the Danny Darko evil bunny.)

His accusation took me aback. Everything I read about validating went out the window. I was stumped and could only respond by saying I did not recall doing so. He abruptly ended the conversation and said he was at a point that he could take or leave me.

Since then I text him but he never responds. Even when I reached out after I kept getting emails from his apartment complex about renewing his lease (I’m the co-signer). I went ahead and co-signed since he pays his bills and I didn’t know the best way to deal with the issue since he wasn’t responding to me.

Shockingly he recently sent me a text telling me he forgives me whether I remember “it” not. But he is “still healing and working through things” I and my ex-husband “inflicted” upon him. He went on to say he has boundaries and is still uncomfortable with me “being in his life.” But, he added that when/if he gets to that point he will reach out. If he does,I sure hope I can respond appropriately.

Based up his social media posts, he has recently reconnected with God and is seeing a therapist. I am grateful for being forgiven for whatever imagined wrongs I have committed (I cannot think of any since he was spoiled and coddled too much if anything).

I posted this to give others hope that their child may “forgive” them  and contemplate a relationship.

[CC43]

Hi there mom,

I find that this type of accusation is typical with BPD. Though there might be a kernel of truth—feeling frightened or like a monster—the details are distorted beyond recognition. Sometimes it’s pure projection. Often it’s a coping mechanism. If your son is feeling stress or failure in his life, he can’t take the pressure and so he turns around and blames you for it, to absolve himself of responsibility. I’d advise to focus on the feelings that he’s trying to convey, rather than the facts.

Look, if your son has BPD, he’s likely super-sensitive. He has a trauma-like, fight or flight response to ordinary situations. He might pick a fight with you at the smallest provocation. You can take that as a sign that something else is going on in his life that is stressing him out. What happened when he was a little boy is just an excuse, a deflection, a distraction from his current stress or disappointment. He hasn’t learned yet how to cope with the stresses of adulting, so he blames you. That’s just easier for him than feeling the pain and disappointment, and working to solve his problems, which seem insurmountable. 

But if your son is working and getting therapy, that’s fantastic. Maybe he dredges up his terrible childhood from time to time, to cope with his stress. But if he seems to get over it, carry on and function pretty well, I’d say, that’s progress.

Regarding the pwBPD in my life, I think her emotional age is only 70% of her chronological age. So at 21 she acted like a young teen. And I hope that at 30, she’ll be about 21 emotionally speaking. Does that ring true in your son’s case?  What I’ve observed is that she’s taking a longer time than average to grow up and handle adult responsibilities. I’ve adjusted my expectations accordingly. And I also have hope that eventually, she’ll behave more and more like an adult.

[BPDstinks]

I am so happy you have reconciliation!  My pwBPD cut ties with me, her sister & father nearly 2 years ago; I receive minimal texts, however, am literally praying for some sort of reconciliation!  Like you (?) my pwBPD told me I was the reason she was "like this" than stated all sorts of "trauma" and stated I was "not there for her for most of her life"; I SERIOUSLY pondered this, I looked through photos...I asked her sister if she felt that way....long story short, I am working with a therapist who specializes in BPD and trying to figure out how to best "speak" to her, in the hopes of a reconciliation; it is just maddening...however, I AM happy for you & cannot thank you enough for sharing this hopeful piece of information!

[wannabeamomma]

Thank you, CC43, for your thoughtful insights, including my need to focus on his feelings rather than the facts.

 Yes, my son has always been hyper sensitive and does tend to project. Although he graduated from college and runs his own successful personal training business, he seems to have a difficult time dealing with certain “adult” responsibilities. 

But I am overjoyed that he is finally going to therapy and hopeful that he will continue to heal and learn how to cope with this most horrible condition.

BPDstinks, I am glad my post offers you hope for your family. It’s gut wrenching to see a loved one dealing with bpd.

[BPDstinks]

it really does!  I have a therapist who specializes in BPD (for parents of children with BPD!) she suggests I write a letter asking what pw BPD's "hope" is for regarding reconciliation...I trust her, however, am so nervous about doing that...pwBPD was suicidal years ago & I am always afraid I will be the one to "push" it too far; I just want to get through her (1/3) birthday (it makes me so sad we will not celebrate

[Karen56]

Oh gosh I came to this group yesterday dealing with the same situation as you! My 46yr old BPD daughter keeps bringing up her “horrible” childhood. She was raised with 3 brothers and 2 girl cousins on 14 acres in Santa Cruz with grandparents right there-all the other kids had an amazing experience, yet hers was abusive

[Karen56]

I just read where your therapist suggests you write a letter, I did do that….for me it made it worse. It may work for some

[BPDstinks]

do you mind me asking why it made it worse?  honestly, I am on the fence....I cannot "tell" if pwBPD is in a "good" place & hate to make things worse, however, I just feel like i should put forth more effort (i text every holiday, mail a card & gift cards; it feels so IMPERSONAL

[Karen56]

She texted me back a very sarcastic message that she was so happy I was getting the help I needed (more about her victimhood) and proceeded to rant. Then continued to bring up the “triggering” that my therapist caused her. I didn’t mention, this all got really bad after my mother died. She never once got that fact…

I don’t want to discourage you, but just know it can go either way. I honestly was pretty shocked and heartbroken. It might be ok, just don’t be sad if it isn’t

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Karen56]

Pretty much most of my contact has been texts.  We have spent time together, and I’m always on eggshells. Sometimes it’s great, most of the time it gets ugly. Now my grandsons don’t respond to anything, even the money I sent them for Xmas…not a word. They are 18 & 21.

[Titch]

Dear Karen56
I am in the same situation as you. My daughter is 41 and I can honestly say I'm exhausted from it. Its been years and she has had so much therapy, and I have supposed to have been a terrible mother. I have 3 other adult daughters and they can't understand why she thinks that, as they tell me what a great mum and positive influence I've been. So I hold on to that. They can no longer deal with the hurt she has caused them and have had to step away from it.   My Grandsons have blocked me now 13 and 20. We had a lovely relationship, but this has come as a shock. My daughter has isolated her sons and has lied to them. This time of year is so hard. I sent cards and gifts for them, but got a text from her telling me (again) that she wants no contact and not to send things. I don't know if the boys had their gift they have still ignored me. Their Grandad (my husband always says she will be in touch when she wants something she always does). Its so hard to accept that none of us can have a normal relationship with her and we miss the boys and the dog. It's very sad but not in anyone's control. It's consumed our lives. We have to look after our mental health now. I will love her always.

[Karen56]

Titch- gosh it does sound the same

[BPDstinks]

hmmmm....thank you for the letter "tip" (I think I might proceed...however, NOT mention the therapist) (before I knew the "issues" I would share my mental health struggles and things that worked for me (truly thinking this might be valuable information), well....that was met with "I am sorry I am not as perfect as you, etc.) (I am NOT anywhere near perfect; I truly think mental health is something you have to keep after) so....I am very much on the fence about the idea

[Karen56]

That may help…honestly my daughter turns things around so fast and blames me for things she does. I’m back on no contact, I’m going to get brain spotting, similar to EMDR on Tuesday. I need to sort out the last few days

[Karen56]

Titch, I’m so sorry, I wrote a lot more and it didn’t post. I have been crazy busy and had another “incident” with daughter & it was bad.
I’m exhausted too. The fact your other 3 daughters don’t see it must give you hope that it truly isn’t you, it’s her. I have 3 sons that don’t really get it either, it helps. My grandsons have ignored me too and never acknowledged Xmas gifts. My friends say stop sending any of them anything-but the boys (young men now) have been told lies for 10 yrs or more about me.
I will always love my daughter too, but at this point, I don’t like her at all, she’s toxic and makes me feel terrible, constantly. Not someone I would chose to spend time with