Just wondering if anyone here is like this too?

[happykiwi]

Hi Guys

The other day my Hubby and I were chatting and it came about how I can't and don't flirt. I do now with him but we've been together for 18 years and I trust him completely and know he's very much in love with me.

I've never been able to flirt socially and I've watched in awe at females that do it and do it well.

It got me thinking.  My realisation is that my Mother sent the message to me all my childhood that I was unworthy and there was something wrong with me.  She also sent the message that I wasn't attractive and had an ugly body e.g. "I can hear your thighs rubbing together when you walk" (I was 11 when she spouted that beauty ).  I think because I had no self esteem and believed I wasn't attractive then there was no way I would risk flirting with someone I fancied and have them reject me and confirm what my horrible Mother had subconsciously planted into my psyche.

Interestingly, I have never made the first move ever in my life.  The guy always had to approach me.  I was so terrified of rejection.  Since going NC two years ago I feel a lot more confident in my self and my self esteem is now high and I understand my worth.  I no longer accept any toxic energy into my life.  Guess I was wondering if anyone else can relate to this side effect of surviving a toxic relationship with a parent or parents.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Happykiwi (are we related ?)

Interesting post. I know my sister doesn’t flirt and she won’t wear makeup and buys second hand cloths. I also avoid it and also don’t pick up when women are interested in me, until they write in on my forehead, or was that just a stag party ?

I also found it odd when my early girlfriends said they loved me. I didn’t believe it to begin with. I  would guess, this is all symptomatic of having a Parent that erodes our self esteem, and you’ve found the cure by building your self esteem. Good on you. Any tips on building self esteem ?

Jenifer Anderson (Friends), says he mother was always critising her appearance, such that she still doesn’t’ believe she’s good looking. I know ! But she said it so it must be true.  

[Fie]

Hello Happykiwi  


Also here a non-flirter and you might just have made me discover the reason  

My mum also made sure I did not feel too comfortable about my looks. She absolutely hated it when men looked at me and she liked pointing out that sometimes people thought we were sisters  

Like yours my mum also liked making remarks about all sorts of body parts. Her favorite was 'we cannot wear short skirts because our legs are big'. In university I had a gay friend who told me the guys in uni were saying I had nice legs. That was a revelation    (well maybe he just made it up of course  :-)  .  And in any case I think all women whould wear skirts if they like them - thin legs or big. It shouldn't make a difference and I will certainly never influence my daughter on how she should or not wear something depending on how she looks.

I wear short skirts now, a lot. I'm 38 and I'm planning on wearing them until I drop dead  

[happykiwi]

Hello HappyChappy (nope not related ) and Fie

How interesting we have had similar experiences.

Fie, I nearly fell off the couch when you reminded me of the "we look like sister's" remark.  I had completely forgotten that part.  It always made me confused as she would point out my physical faults (which I now know were none) but you would actually see her puff out with joy if someone said "Oh, are you two sisters?".

I look back at photos of myself and see a very attractive young woman with a lovely physique.  I never dressed for that figure.  Short skirts were a big no no too.  But now I wear clothes that actually hug my figure and accentuate my good bits.  Nothing too tight don't want to be mutton dressed as lamb at 46.

The positive I take from this is that I have always gone through life judging people on their actions not looks.  I have made a point to 'see' that person for their personality and I feel that I may be blessed because I've met some fabulous and incredibly interesting people that my mother would have completely avoided as they didn't meet her ridiculous shallow standards.

And yes I did not believe any compliments as a young person.  I never graciously said "thank you".  But I make sure my son and daughter no all their great points physically and non physical.  Especially my daughter.  I she can enter adulthood with an intact self esteem I will be so happy as a parent.