How to Detach and Move on

[Depression = 72% of members]

First off I’d like to express how thankful I am to have found this forum. My exBPD of 1.5 years whole I work with ended things 3 months ago and reading others’ stories has been very helpful temporarily soothing the pain.

My replacement was already in the picture at the time of the breakup.  In fact, after having dinner one night she was overtly texting him right in front of me and ignoring me as if she wanted me to confront her about it. I did gently express my discomfort and needless to say this did not go in my favor. She expressed feelings of being “suffocated” which I found strange given that for much of the relationship that is how I felt, but I was able to quell those feelings because I truly did love her. She left the next morning and that was seemingly the end. We spoke on the phone a couple times, and per the typical BPD playbook I was given no closure and was eventually ghosted.

She and the guy she was texting have since became a couple and recently gone on vacation together. Obviously they are in the honeymoon phase, but I have heard through the grapevine that she has been over the moon happy with him while simultaneously painting me as the problem in our relationship to our fellow coworkers. 

It has been a tough pill to swallow knowing that what I thought was a loving relationship could be thrown away so abruptly. She is a self aware quiet type so there was very little raging or even arguments for the matter. The major red flags I did ignore were extreme possessiveness, jealousy, and overall just a lack of self esteem on her end. I did my best to comfort her through those struggles and she immediately started therapy when I suggested it. I feel like by the end of the relationship I had built her up and supported her so much all to be discarded without a second thought just for her to seamlessly monkey branch with a new sense of “confidence” as she knows the break up took a toll on me. In the relationship enforced boundaries and she seemed to be accepting of that, and by no means made myself a doormat to her behaviors stemming from her disorder.  Although I was not perfect, I feel I was the best partner I could possibly be. What’s hard to accept is after reflecting on things she told me, there seemed to be inconsistencies and there were several instances where I suspected infidelity but I was told otherwise. During the breakup she expressed that this man was just a friend and seeing how easily she could tell half truths to my face makes me fear I was being played the whole time and was somewhat of a placeholder.

Like many others, this relationship was the most intense of my life. From the moment we met I felt a connection with her that I have never felt with anyone else. There certainly was mirroring and love bombing that did help hook me, but it truly felt like we had a deep connection even past the honeymoon phase.I have struggled to come to grips that the new man may just be a better fit for her as they seem to have much more in common as far as interests go, while also dealing with confusion as our connection felt so real and special. I was sure she felt the same because she made a point to communicate it often.

This has been the most devastating breakup I have ever been on the receiving end of. 3 months out and I still have her on my mind all day. Often times ruminating at night about her. I know that time heals all but, does anyone have any tried and true methods of detaching from such a relationship? It feels like there is no light a the end of the tunnel. Cognitively, I’ve accepted that the whole relationship was somewhat of a facade and would have very well been a disaster if marriage and children were introduced, but the loss of the emotional connection has been damn near impossible to shake.

Cheers and Happy New Year to all

[Jswish]

First off I’d like to express how thankful I am to have found this forum. My exBPD of 1.5 years whole I work with ended things 3 months ago and reading others’ stories has been very helpful temporarily soothing the pain.

My replacement was already in the picture at the time of the breakup.  In fact, after having dinner one night she was overtly texting him right in front of me and ignoring me as if she wanted me to confront her about it. I did gently express my discomfort and needless to say this did not go in my favor. She expressed feelings of being “suffocated” which I found strange given that for much of the relationship that is how I felt, but I was able to quell those feelings because I truly did love her. She left the next morning and that was seemingly the end. We spoke on the phone a couple times, and per the typical BPD playbook I was given no closure and was eventually ghosted.

She and the guy she was texting have since became a couple and recently gone on vacation together. Obviously they are in the honeymoon phase, but I have heard through the grapevine that she has been over the moon happy with him while simultaneously painting me as the problem in our relationship to our fellow coworkers. 

It has been a tough pill to swallow knowing that what I thought was a loving relationship could be thrown away so abruptly. She is a self aware quiet type so there was very little raging or even arguments for the matter. The major red flags I did ignore were extreme possessiveness, jealousy, and overall just a lack of self esteem on her end. I did my best to comfort her through those struggles and she immediately started therapy when I suggested it. I feel like by the end of the relationship I had built her up and supported her so much all to be discarded without a second thought just for her to seamlessly monkey branch with a new sense of “confidence” as she knows the break up took a toll on me. In the relationship enforced boundaries and she seemed to be accepting of that, and by no means made myself a doormat to her behaviors stemming from her disorder.  Although I was not perfect, I feel I was the best partner I could possibly be. What’s hard to accept is after reflecting on things she told me, there seemed to be inconsistencies and there were several instances where I suspected infidelity but I was told otherwise. During the breakup she expressed that this man was just a friend and seeing how easily she could tell half truths to my face makes me fear I was being played the whole time and was somewhat of a placeholder.

Like many others, this relationship was the most intense of my life. From the moment we met I felt a connection with her that I have never felt with anyone else. There certainly was mirroring and love bombing that did help hook me, but it truly felt like we had a deep connection even past the honeymoon phase.I have struggled to come to grips that the new man may just be a better fit for her as they seem to have much more in common as far as interests go, while also dealing with confusion as our connection felt so real and special. I was sure she felt the same because she made a point to communicate it often.

This has been the most devastating breakup I have ever been on the receiving end of. 3 months out and I still have her on my mind all day. Often times ruminating at night about her. I know that time heals all but, does anyone have any tried and true methods of detaching from such a relationship? It feels like there is no light a the end of the tunnel. Cognitively, I’ve accepted that the whole relationship was somewhat of a facade and would have very well been a disaster if marriage and children were introduced, but the loss of the emotional connection has been damn near impossible to shake.

Cheers and Happy New Year to all

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome to the family, you're certainly not alone as we've all been through this. Getting over the breakup with a BPD partner is especially difficult due to the way they make us feel at the start - the intensity is unlike any other relationship as we've all found out.

Time is indeed a great healer and three months is still short enough to remember the relationship vividly, so it will take longer until it seems more bearable but try and stay positive - easy to say but hard to do. Life went on before you met your BDP partner and life - and all its opportunities - will continue afterwards.

Regarding your ex's new partner being 'a better fit' for her, that's unlikely. Your ex is currently in the same idealisation phase as she was with you, so she praises her new partner exactly as she did with you and posts how things are going well, but it's no indication that things are actually good. BPD's are good at projecting an image of everything going well, even when they aren't. She'll say and post things purely to get at you, as she seems to be doing.

It's a repeating cycle without treatment and once the initial love-bombing wears off, your ex will most likely enter the same pattern and the only question will be 'how much will her new partner be prepared to put up with?'. If he has no idea of her BPD then he's in for a shock. If he's a doormat and puts up with everything she does then she may stay with him longer, but she'll probably still be seeking something new eventually - that's the nature of BPD.

She may even try and reconnect with you in the future if she has no current prospects so be ready for that. Whether you want to re-engage or not is a decision only you can make.

Her behaviour will never change, irrespective of partner so one way to look at it is to realise that you dodged a bullet - would you really want to have a lifetime of this behaviour from an unpredictable partner?  I had 4 years of it and if I could go back in time to the first time she broke up with me, I'd have stayed away and not gone back to her for more.

Breakups can be hard but sometimes it really is for the best.

Best wishes, stay strong.

[Jswish]

Thanks for the reply Under the Bridge

I am trying to be patient with the process and 3 months certainly still is fresh for us nons. Coming to grips with her ability to shut off her emotions for me and move on almost immediately sure adds to the sting. Especially since a week before the discard she said something along the lines of “you’ll never understand how much I love you”. Truly mind bending. Could have been a love bombing manipulation tactic to keep me on deck while securing the new supply or maybe that’s what she felt in the moment which is always subject to change, as we all know. 

I’m certain that the new guy is receiving the same idealization and worshipping that I received. As far as him being a “better fit” I am just referring to their shared interests. He is a member of somewhat  popular rock band which is one of her passions. He is also very into getting tattoos as she is. Whereas I have never been interested in that. And add to it, he has a much higher social status than I do. He lives across the country from her whereas I live 30 minutes, which has led me to believe that she must see him as “Mr. Right” to put herself in a difficult situation like that. It makes me feel like I was just someone that she could have fun with until the right guy comes along. And I know, I shouldn’t be concerning myself with him and comparing myself. Unfortunately the lack of closure led me to investigate and find out exactly what was going on.

I guess my main struggle has been figuring out how much the BPD played into this. Shortly before the breakup there had been instances where her jealousy and possessiveness was rearing its ugly head and really wearing me down. I communicated how much I loved her during these times and voiced how important trust is in a serious relationship. It seemed as though she was receptive of this at first. Turns out that wasn’t that case as I eventually caught her snooping through my phone. It was at this time where I told her that was not acceptable and asked for space. I made it clear that I was not abandoning her at this time, but needed to step back and get some breathing room. We kept limited contact at this time and eventually reconciled and I forgave her for my breach of privacy and chose to trust her. The discard came shortly after this.

Like I said she was the quiet type and avoided conflict as much as possible. Part of me thinks the jealousy and invasion of privacy was projection and she was in the middle of my devaluation and securing a new partner at that time. When I flipped the script and triggered her abandonment fears the idealization and worshipping kicked back in while we were in limited contact. Once she had me reeled back in she seemed very comfortable in calm when ending things. She got to do it on her terms. It seems that the only way I could have kept this relationship going was to partake in alternating moods of feigned interest in aloofness. Something that I am not equipped to as manipulating a loved one is not something I’m interested in doing long term.

I want to get to a point where I clearly see loving her is a zero sum game. In my gut I know it’s true and the new guy will probably have to go down the same road even though he SEEMS more compatible. But that’s easier said than done and right now I struggle with the idea that maybe it’s not truly her BPD that derailed things. Maybe I was just not right for her and she is continuing her therapy to be the best possible partner for “Mr. Right”. But ultimately, my only option is to move on and never look back and learn from this. I just need somewhere to stream my consciousness as I will probably never get the answers that I’m looking for. That’s the name of the game when dealing with a disordered person I’ve learned.

[Under The Bridge]

I'm pretty sure that even if a BPD met someone who matched them in every criteria and was wealthy, big house, etc there would still eventually be problems because the nature of BPD is that it is not a logical illness and they can never be truly satisfied and content due to their constant self-doubt. They will find something that does not satisfy them, be it big or totally trivial. It's the cycle they're trapped in unless they're willing to get professional help.

She can still accuse her 'perfect in every way' partner of cheating, neglecting her needs and all the other accusations a BPD can come up with; it doesn't matter how seemingly compatible her partner is and how nice they are.  Everything is in the head of the BPD, it is their world they live in and our logical rules of 'if we're nice to them they'll always be nice to us' simply don't exist.

I too have often wondered how much of my ex-g/f's actions were BPD and not just a 'bad nature'. When she acted out for the very first time I had never heard of BPD and there was no home internet then to research anything. She said that guys hadn't treated her well in the past so I put her mood swings down to her just having an untrusting nature and resolved to show her that I would treat her nice.. but her attutude still persisted and I gradually realised that she was this way no matter how well I treated her - and I did treat her very well indeed.

Much later I learned about BPD and saw that she fitted the criteria in a textbook way. I also learned the classic symptom that BPD's will project their attitude onto others and play the victim, so I have no doubt now that it was her who treated her previous partners badly, not the other way round.

I still believe however, that even without the BPD, she had emotional problems and being with her would always have been a rocky ride anyway. The one thing none of us ever get fully is a sense of closure, as with a non-BPD relationship. You can continue to engage with her in the hope of knowing one way or the other but it depends how much new hurt you may have to suffer. If she's merely playing games and trying to keep you purely as an 'available option if needed' then you're back to square one.

I found my ex's total unpredictability and illogicality too much in the end and just stayed away full no contact after her final outburst to save my sanity. Many years later her sister in law told me that she was still exactly the same, breaking up and reuniting with her partners, so I think I did the right thing.

[HoratioX]

First off I’d like to express how thankful I am to have found this forum. My exBPD of 1.5 years whole I work with ended things 3 months ago and reading others’ stories has been very helpful temporarily soothing the pain.

My replacement was already in the picture at the time of the breakup.  In fact, after having dinner one night she was overtly texting him right in front of me and ignoring me as if she wanted me to confront her about it. I did gently express my discomfort and needless to say this did not go in my favor. She expressed feelings of being “suffocated” which I found strange given that for much of the relationship that is how I felt, but I was able to quell those feelings because I truly did love her. She left the next morning and that was seemingly the end. We spoke on the phone a couple times, and per the typical BPD playbook I was given no closure and was eventually ghosted.

She and the guy she was texting have since became a couple and recently gone on vacation together. Obviously they are in the honeymoon phase, but I have heard through the grapevine that she has been over the moon happy with him while simultaneously painting me as the problem in our relationship to our fellow coworkers. 

It has been a tough pill to swallow knowing that what I thought was a loving relationship could be thrown away so abruptly. She is a self aware quiet type so there was very little raging or even arguments for the matter. The major red flags I did ignore were extreme possessiveness, jealousy, and overall just a lack of self esteem on her end. I did my best to comfort her through those struggles and she immediately started therapy when I suggested it. I feel like by the end of the relationship I had built her up and supported her so much all to be discarded without a second thought just for her to seamlessly monkey branch with a new sense of “confidence” as she knows the break up took a toll on me. In the relationship enforced boundaries and she seemed to be accepting of that, and by no means made myself a doormat to her behaviors stemming from her disorder.  Although I was not perfect, I feel I was the best partner I could possibly be. What’s hard to accept is after reflecting on things she told me, there seemed to be inconsistencies and there were several instances where I suspected infidelity but I was told otherwise. During the breakup she expressed that this man was just a friend and seeing how easily she could tell half truths to my face makes me fear I was being played the whole time and was somewhat of a placeholder.

Like many others, this relationship was the most intense of my life. From the moment we met I felt a connection with her that I have never felt with anyone else. There certainly was mirroring and love bombing that did help hook me, but it truly felt like we had a deep connection even past the honeymoon phase.I have struggled to come to grips that the new man may just be a better fit for her as they seem to have much more in common as far as interests go, while also dealing with confusion as our connection felt so real and special. I was sure she felt the same because she made a point to communicate it often.

This has been the most devastating breakup I have ever been on the receiving end of. 3 months out and I still have her on my mind all day. Often times ruminating at night about her. I know that time heals all but, does anyone have any tried and true methods of detaching from such a relationship? It feels like there is no light a the end of the tunnel. Cognitively, I’ve accepted that the whole relationship was somewhat of a facade and would have very well been a disaster if marriage and children were introduced, but the loss of the emotional connection has been damn near impossible to shake.

Cheers and Happy New Year to all

In addition to talking to a therapist, I'd recommend two things:

1) Go NC and don't give in to temptation to check up on her (through social media, etc.). You don't have to block her. Just wean yourself off of having to keep tabs, if that's what you're doing.

2) Get back in the dating game. Only, don't have any expectations. In particular, don't have any expectations that a future relationship will be anything like this one because it likely one. This was an illusion she was not able to sustain. And the same thing with happen with her new relationship.

You need to put your experience with her behind you. I'm going to suggest you don't even think of it as a relationship because it wasn't, no more than a mosquito has a relationship with the person it's biting.

If you think in those terms, it should help you to keep things in context. You're better off without someone like her in your life. I think you can gather than from the many tales of woe on this board.  The way you win is to move on. The way you move on is to find a relationship that is real -- even if imperfect.  In time, you absolutely will stop thinking about her in any way except pity.