Frequent house-moves

[LittleRedBarn]

Does anyone else have experience of frequent house-moves with a person w/BPD?

In the 12 years that my dBPD husband and I have been together, we have moved house 6 times. We are both retired, and have become increasingly estranged from all our family, so we can live pretty much anywhere we want. But I'm starting to see a pattern. He complains that he hates where we are living because it's too noisy/too quiet/he hates the neighbors/it's too far from public transport/it's too close to his family/it's too far away from everything, or whatever, and because I'm a people-pleaser/caretaker I say, okay, let's move, and then I make it happen. We haven't just moved house, we have moved from one end of the country to the other, we have emigrated twice, we have lived in small towns and capital cities, in suburbs and city centers.

Now he has decided that it's his dream to live in New York City before he dies (he is 67). He's clever about it, because it does appeal to me. He tells me we'll have all the museums and galleries on our doorstep and that there will be lots of opportunities to give back to the community in the form of volunteering. He can be very persuasive! But there is a fine line between persuasion and coercion, and there is something making me uneasy about it all. It's like there is a hidden ultimatum in there, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is. "If you won't move to NYC with me, we'll have to get a divorce" - although he hasn't actually said this. It's like he's testing me in some way. It reminds me of all the posts I see on this site where partners w/BPD constantly threaten divorce but then don't do anything about it.

I'm thinking of telling him that I'm fine with the idea in principle, but that I've already moved us six times and this time it's up to him to make it happen.

Any thoughts, anyone?

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[ForeverDad]

Yes, it has been discussed here in a number of threads.  For a variety of reasons - their perceptions of course - some people with BPD traits (pwBPD) get displeased sooner or later with the home's location, distance near our relatives, schools, neighbors, whatever.  They get it in their minds that the problem is the home and not their own issues.  So they just have to move... until they get dissatisfied yet again.

I have to add that I lived in NYC (Brooklyn Heights, an upscale neighborhood near the Brooklyn Bridge) for over 20 years (mid-70s to late-90s).  I was mugged a couple times by teens and chased once.  I was young so I walked quite a bit, including innumerable times across the Brooklyn Bridge.  Toward the end I bought a car but finding a parking spot and moving my car a couple days a week (back and forth) for street cleaning was quite stressful.  Visitors were always clueless and stunned when their cars were towed by the city.  Yes, there's a lot of sights to see and lots to do but it's a trade-off.  My finances are quite limited now so most likely I won't go back.

[thankful person]

Hi little red barn, yes I’m a person on here who has discussed this in the past. Since I’ve been with my wife for ten years, we are now in our 5th home (only owned the last two, the others we rented). It has always been her choice to move, and I went along with it, though I did somehow talk her out of it last year, but of course now she wants to move again.

I perceive bpd as being somewhat permanently dissatisfied with many facets of one’s life. I have discussed this with my dbpd wife and at times when she’s feeling reasonable she is able to recognise this pattern in herself and admit to it. The tragic thing is that she is a child sexual abuse survivor and I feel like more than a lifetime’s worth of tolerance and resilience was used up during those attacks and in the terror she felt in between and so now she can’t possibly cope with any little thing any more like feeling too hot or cold or itchy or whatever.

Wherever we live my wife also hopes to make new friends and people never are what she wants and expects because they don’t reply to text messages quick enough for example or she perceives they aren’t asking the right questions that show they’re interested and care about her (she says the same about me at times actually). In our street in two years, of our immediate neighbours she has actively fallen out with five people out of the closest houses. She also likes to buy expensive and very loud fireworks partly because she knows it upsets people (due to of the effect on animals, children, war veterans etc). The other problem is that our house was in good condition when we bought it, but with four young children and her dog boarding business things are damaged like cupboard doors, scratched paint, etc which we can’t afford to fix. She doesn’t seem to get that the kids and dogs would rapidly damage things wherever we lived.

Don’t talk to her about New York either. We are in England UK, but visited New York back in 2016, mostly because of my wife’s love of Home Alone 2 and Elf. She was disappointed because it wasn’t Christmassy enough for her (not enough Christmas trees and yes it was December). But she seems to have forgotten and is desperate to return and also wants a home there which I don’t think we could ever afford. When I question her reasoning she’s like, “I can talk about things, it doesn’t mean I’m actually going to do it!” But then if she really wants to do something and can, then she will just do it with no regard for my opinion or the cost. Fortunately this is one thing she won’t be able to do behind my back.