Hello and Help

[Where’s Pooh]

Hello!

I have been quietly reading the board for years and working to implement many of the tools in my relationship.

My H is uDXd BPD with narcissistic traits. He is high functioning, extremely intelligent but has many BPD + narcissistic traits.

He has a lot of good qualities and can be a lot of fun but when the other side comes out, it is the worst of the worst.

We had many roller coaster years but more peaceful (but not fully) the last few years. I attribute that to me employing the tools and changing my responses and truthfully letting some “abnormal” things go.

He dysregulates any time he feels looked down on (this mostly occurs if he is not receiving accolades for everyday things), and 100% of the time if you tell him any variation of no.

If I’m on top of my game, I can sidestep many of the land mines or manage a quick diffusal.  If I’m tired or distracted, I can start a war.

Last night we got into a circular argument about a very mundane thing.  I tried to validate his feelings and state my own. I was tired and just wanted out of the conversation and I said something like “we’re not going to agree so I’m done with the conversation.”  Not my best effort.

He got very angry, said no one tells him when it’s done and then knocked over some paintings on a shelf.

I said nothing and he left the room.  I went to sleep.

This is not a typical response but I won’t say it’s never happened, just been many, many years ago.

For everyday things are there key phrases I can use that better validate him but don’t diminish my feelings and allow us to exit a conversation that is going nowhere (and really doesn’t need to)?

Will share more examples, if needed.  Thank you,

[PeteWitsend]

one thing that struck me after reading your post is that you're blaming yourself for your H's behavior.  It's not your fault he acts like you described.

I don't really know if there's a solution for more peace in your case.  It sounds like you're doing the best you can, and it's just hard for anybody to essentially take on the "full time therapist" role that would be required to coddle a pwBPD and keep their outbursts in check

[ForeverDad]

BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  Moreover, as I read in a post here years ago, it is complicated by the BPD traits so typical of self-centered perceptions to the extent that the person can't or won't get past the perceived emotional baggage of the relationship.

Ponder that.  The reason why you can at most limit the behavior pattern is, in part, because of your close relationship.  It has been noted here that those who separated and gained some distance apart noted the conflict was reduced but that going back let it restart all over again.

So what helps?  Meaningful therapy by an emotionally distanced therapist.  BPD is an emotion dysregulation disorder.  That's why an emotionally-neutral therapist might make progress whereas you find little progress struggling with the other's constant ups and downs.

There's a complication, though.  Many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) also have intense Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting behaviors.  Many refuse even contemplating therapy.  Others view the approaches presented in therapy as suggestions and not ways to think facts and reality rather than perceptions.  Others may quit therapy claiming a few sessions fixed them.

Yes, daunting obstacles.  Some or all may apply, depending on your specific situation.  So what can you do?  As a start, continue focusing on yourself.  You're unlikely to fix the other person but You can rebuild and strengthen You.

[Where’s Pooh]

Thank you for your replies and insights. Apologies that I haven’t been back on since. Just had a few unrelated personal issues come up. 

Everything has been much the same. Nothing too high, nothing too low.

Right now my uDXBPDH is away with ones the kids for a few days. I didn’t want to go — I have work but could ask for time off but we just got back from a trip and my other kid didn’t want to go either. We stayed, they went. It was discussed and agreed.

But while away he has made some “unprovoked” comments about me not going and operating like we’re not married. It’s hurtful but he has us going 3-4 times a year and some of my  time off, I want to do nothing. I have some health issues and stress and fatigue, exacerbate my symptoms so traveling and being busy every time I take off is too much.

He acts like bc I didn’t go, I’m behaving unmarried. I feel like by not being compassionate that I need some actual breaks is him behaving either uncaringly or unmarried. The thing is he went for our kid so I didn’t actually care.

He understands but I guess doesn’t care.

How do I respond to the passive aggressive comments?  I try to ignore but they make me feel bad but if I say that, he gets defensive. My initial reaction is to lash back out — I feel blindsided and attacked. But I don’t bc I know that only makes it worse.

Plus he’s with my kid so I don’t want him acting out.

What suggestions does anyone have?

I try really hard to let him manage his own feelings. I’ve gotten much better and it has been liberating. But when it comes as a personal attack, it’s harder.

Open to suggestions…thank you!

[PeteWitsend]

...
How do I respond to the passive aggressive comments?  I try to ignore but they make me feel bad but if I say that, he gets defensive. My initial reaction is to lash back out — I feel blindsided and attacked. But I don’t bc I know that only makes it worse.

Plus he’s with my kid so I don’t want him acting out.

What suggestions does anyone have?

I try really hard to let him manage his own feelings. I’ve gotten much better and it has been liberating. But when it comes as a personal attack, it’s harder.

Open to suggestions…thank you!

At the top of this site, there's a tab called "Tools" that has some information on responses and techniques you can use to defuse conflict, or direct the conversation away from it, when you feel it heading that way. 

Your H seems to have some serious fears of abandonment, and separation anxiety.  Based on what I've read about BPD and people who are "high conflict" presumably he resorts to attacking you because it directs his feelings away from fear and clinginess (traits that make one feel weak) toward indignation and anger (traits that make them feel strong, and in control). 

By listening, not taking the bait, and finding ways to reassure them, sometimes you can completely defuse the situation.  But remember, those feelings are still there, simmering, and can erupt again, so you have to be a very patient person in order to walk this tightrope.