BPD Break-up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I recently ended a relationship with someone with BPD. I didn't know at the time that he had BPD and I am not even sure if he knows. He seemed like the best man that I had ever met and like God placed him in my life. He felt so strongly about me and even told me that we met in "spirit". to be honest it felt scripted, but I still fell for it. Afterwhile he would have these moments where she just shutdown and disengaged from me and when I would ask him about it he would deny it at first and then eventually say he's struggling to trust me because I'm just going to leave him anyway. These moments became more frequent. I started apologizing to him when I wasn't even wrong just to keep the peace. He made me feel obligated to make this work because he was all in. He was super defensive and then eventually he was rude and mean. When I ended things he deleted and blocked me on everything, said I was ungrateful, unhappy, and unable to be happy. He told me I was too needy and emotional. He made me cry so much during the relationship and then told me it wasn't his job to fix me. I have not reached out and I don't plan to, but I am struggling to let go of who he said he was and what he said I meant to him. He event told my mother he never met a woman like me and that I am 1 of 1 and the most amazing human he has ever met. Please help

[lovelySea]

I recently ended a relationship with someone with BPD. I didn't know at the time that he had BPD and I am not even sure if he knows. He seemed like the best man that I had ever met and like God placed him in my life. He felt so strongly about me and even told me that we met in "spirit". to be honest it felt scripted, but I still fell for it. Afterwhile he would have these moments where she just shutdown and disengaged from me and when I would ask him about it he would deny it at first and then eventually say he's struggling to trust me because I'm just going to leave him anyway. These moments became more frequent. I started apologizing to him when I wasn't even wrong just to keep the peace. He made me feel obligated to make this work because he was all in. He was super defensive and then eventually he was rude and mean. When I ended things he deleted and blocked me on everything, said I was ungrateful, unhappy, and unable to be happy. He told me I was too needy and emotional. He made me cry so much during the relationship and then told me it wasn't his job to fix me. I have not reached out and I don't plan to, but I am struggling to let go of who he said he was and what he said I meant to him. He event told my mother he never met a woman like me and that I am 1 of 1 and the most amazing human he has ever met. Please help

[Pook075]

Hello and it's my pleasure to be the first to welcome you to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I clearly remember feeling the same things when I broke up with my BPD ex wife a few years ago.

First, who he said you are...let's start there.  Nobody gets to define you, especially a bitter ex, and it is extremely common for BPD's to project their insecurities on others.  For instance, one reason my ex left is because I wasn't affectionate enough, and that gutted me initially.  But after looking back with a clear mind months later, I realized she stopped showing me ANY affection almost a decade earlier.  I wasn't affectionate anymore because she didn't want my affection.

Again, this is so common with BPD.  Remember as little kids we'd say, "I know you are, but what am I" when someone insulted us?  That's sort of how you have to look at it when there's mental illness in the equation.  It's all about their fragile egos and it doesn't matter what they make you think, feel, etc.  However, you also have to keep in mind that this happens because of mental illness and unhealthy thought patterns that lead them astray...he probably doesn't even realize how destructive he's been.

You mentioned early on, he'd comment about how you'd eventually leave.  Yet that very behavior is what pushed you away...it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy and it has nothing to actually do with you.  The real problem is the disordered thinking and self destructive patterns that ultimately force everyone to leave.  It's sad and heartbreaking, but it's not your fault.

Also, let's talk about what he thought of you.  You'll get a variety of answers here and some will say a BPD never actually loves anyone...they're too selfish for that.  Others would say that they love so much, they're terrified of losing that relationship and it brings the whole self-fulfilling prophecy stuff.  I believe there's some truth on both sides of the spectrum and it's hard for anyone to fully understand how someone with mental illness thinks through things.

With that said, he probably loved you very much in his own way, yet his insecurities forced him to keep you at arm's length.  When things we're "too good", then they must have been fake because who could ever love him that much?  That's self sabotage and a very cynical way to look at life.  But that's the disease at it's core and there's almost nothing you could have done to reach a different conclusion. 

In fact, the only thing you could have done was become an expert on BPD, soothe all his self-destructive patterns before they became too toxic, and essentially became his caretaker while ignoring your own feelings.  That's not a relationship though and would also become toxic.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there, and welcome to the boards.

It's uncanny how many people start their stories by saying it felt like this person was their soulmate and that the connection was other-worldly. I remember that feeling well - it truly was something else to experience it.

Unfortunately, the periods of idealisation and devaluation that characterise BPD can feel devastating, most likely on both sides. I have a feeling it is just as confusing and upsetting for the person who suffers with BPD to suddenly have opposing feelings for the person they wholeheartedly adored just a day before, like they're seeing a totally different person. But to be on the receiving end of it can truly throw you off balance. It's very hard to stay grounded amidst the chaos of someone else's instability and changing tides.

It doesn't make sense to a rational mind that someone who declares such intense love, could act with cruelty and disdain the next. The two things don't sit together, and that's why it's so hard to make sense of it. Learning about how BPD works can help, because you realise it was nothing to do with you, and it's literally a disorder that doesn't allow them to hold a whole version of a person in their mind - there is a lack of object constancy, which causes the splitting.

But ultimately, even if you learn the ins and outs of BPD, you still have to go through a grieving process of what you've lost, and when it's someone you thought might be your person, and that's a heavy loss in itself, without factoring in all of the other confusing parts to it.

Keep coming back here to write out what you're going through if you feel that helps? There's plenty of people here who understand.

[lovelySea]

Hello and it's my pleasure to be the first to welcome you to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I clearly remember feeling the same things when I broke up with my BPD ex wife a few years ago.

First, who he said you are...let's start there.  Nobody gets to define you, especially a bitter ex, and it is extremely common for BPD's to project their insecurities on others.  For instance, one reason my ex left is because I wasn't affectionate enough, and that gutted me initially.  But after looking back with a clear mind months later, I realized she stopped showing me ANY affection almost a decade earlier.  I wasn't affectionate anymore because she didn't want my affection.

Again, this is so common with BPD.  Remember as little kids we'd say, "I know you are, but what am I" when someone insulted us?  That's sort of how you have to look at it when there's mental illness in the equation.  It's all about their fragile egos and it doesn't matter what they make you think, feel, etc.  However, you also have to keep in mind that this happens because of mental illness and unhealthy thought patterns that lead them astray...he probably doesn't even realize how destructive he's been.

You mentioned early on, he'd comment about how you'd eventually leave.  Yet that very behavior is what pushed you away...it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy and it has nothing to actually do with you.  The real problem is the disordered thinking and self destructive patterns that ultimately force everyone to leave.  It's sad and heartbreaking, but it's not your fault.

Also, let's talk about what he thought of you.  You'll get a variety of answers here and some will say a BPD never actually loves anyone...they're too selfish for that.  Others would say that they love so much, they're terrified of losing that relationship and it brings the whole self-fulfilling prophecy stuff.  I believe there's some truth on both sides of the spectrum and it's hard for anyone to fully understand how someone with mental illness thinks through things.

With that said, he probably loved you very much in his own way, yet his insecurities forced him to keep you at arm's length.  When things we're "too good", then they must have been fake because who could ever love him that much?  That's self sabotage and a very cynical way to look at life.  But that's the disease at it's core and there's almost nothing you could have done to reach a different conclusion. 

In fact, the only thing you could have done was become an expert on BPD, soothe all his self-destructive patterns before they became too toxic, and essentially became his caretaker while ignoring your own feelings.  That's not a relationship though and would also become toxic.

Thank you so very much for your response. Reading all of this validates what I have learned. I wonder sometimes if he knew he had BPD. Part of me thinks he did because I feel like he tried at times to hide it. He would deny the mood swings afterwhile. I always felt like he was starting little fires and putting them out. Picking fights with me and when I engage telling me I couldn't take a joke.

The worst part is that he asked me to be vulnerable with him. He told me that he could see i was guarded and I needed to learn to trust him. His famous line "ypu won't get hurt in this process" I think the crazy part is i knew all along that something was off with him. I kept feeling like who he wanted to be (words) and who he actually was werw two different people. I looked at it as a man who was trying to change for the better. Boy was I wrong.

I let my guard down and was more vulnerable and then he punished me for it. Told me I was too sensitive and codependent whenever I needed him for anything, but would always call ans dump his problems onto me.

I don't want to go back and I know he will never see how great of a person I was to him. He made that very clear.

My question is... will I ever stop thinking about him?
I want to erase him so very very bad and I just can't. I will never reach out and I will never be with him again but he is deeply engraved into my mental

[lovelySea]

Hi there, and welcome to the boards.

It's uncanny how many people start their stories by saying it felt like this person was their soulmate and that the connection was other-worldly. I remember that feeling well - it truly was something else to experience it.

Unfortunately, the periods of idealisation and devaluation that characterise BPD can feel devastating, most likely on both sides. I have a feeling it is just as confusing and upsetting for the person who suffers with BPD to suddenly have opposing feelings for the person they wholeheartedly adored just a day before, like they're seeing a totally different person. But to be on the receiving end of it can truly throw you off balance. It's very hard to stay grounded amidst the chaos of someone else's instability and changing tides.

It doesn't make sense to a rational mind that someone who declares such intense love, could act with cruelty and disdain the next. The two things don't sit together, and that's why it's so hard to make sense of it. Learning about how BPD works can help, because you realise it was nothing to do with you, and it's literally a disorder that doesn't allow them to hold a whole version of a person in their mind - there is a lack of object constancy, which causes the splitting.

But ultimately, even if you learn the ins and outs of BPD, you still have to go through a grieving process of what you've lost, and when it's someone you thought might be your person, and that's a heavy loss in itself, without factoring in all of the other confusing parts to it.

Keep coming back here to write out what you're going through if you feel that helps? There's plenty of people here who understand.

Thank you for your response! Do you have any suggested reading for me to learn more about BPD. I read something about object permanence but I definitely want to read more. I think the more I realize there was nothing I could have done the easier it would be to let go. I find myself so focused on how much I gave. How I opened up and was vulnerable with him in a way that I have never been with a man. How he was trying to tap in and heal my childhood trauma just to pretend I don't exist and that I meant nothing to him.

I'm glad that he hates me because if he reached out I'd probably entertain the conversation.  I feel like I need to know why. Knowing full well he would just blame me.

[Pook075]

My question is... will I ever stop thinking about him?
I want to erase him so very very bad and I just can't. I will never reach out and I will never be with him again but he is deeply engraved into my mental

The healing process is different for everyone and can take anywhere from a few months to several years.  For me, the key takeaways to move to a different stage of grief were:

1) It wasn't my fault.  While there were things I did wrong, just like every other person on the planet, I forgave my wife and started each day fresh.  However, she was keeping score in her mind and created a picture of me that wasn't anywhere near consistent with who I was.  That's BPD and because she wasn't diagnosed, there was absolutely no way I could have known or did anything differently.

2) It wasn't my ex's fault either.  She did what she felt were in her best interests, and mental health kept her in a dark, hidden depression for years.  I was the only one who saw it and I had literally no idea how much she was actually suffering.  She left me because she couldn't stand the situation anymore and had no idea where to turn...so she blamed everything on me.

3)  To move forward, I had to forgive my ex and show her compassion.  This was by far the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, but to fully heal from something, you must stop being a victim of it.   Because if you're carrying around anger, sadness, bitterness, etc. from something in the past, then it's eating at you inside for absolutely no reason except self-punishment. 

So I forgave myself and forgave her...and I really meant it maybe around the 10-month mark.  This was also around the time I fully felt like myself once again, which isn't a coincidence.

4)  The final step for me was accepting that I wasn't that person anymore, I didn't owe my ex anything, and I was allowed to be happy.  It was a mindset shift from thinking about the past all the time to becoming excited about the future and all the possibilities it holds.  This came quickly after step-3 and it's when i considered myself fully healed.

4a) I am still in contact with my ex because of our adult kids, and I am glad that we are friends again.  Maybe that's the right word, but we're certainly no longer enemies and it feels like a huge win.  I can call her if I need something and vise versa, and things are good between us. 

At the same time though, I no longer accept blame either and let it affect my day.  If she calls to complain about the past, I'm honest and considerate, but I do not walk on eggshells.  I'll simply say that we both made mistakes and I'm really sorry we didn't do better for each other.  That's usually enough to move on and avoid unpleasantries.

[seekingtheway]

I'm glad you asked this question because Pook's answer there was actually exactly what I needed to hear right now, as I sit on the verge of being ready to forgive - not quite - but nearly. And I'm nearly a year out, but probably something more like 8 months since it was completely done. So I can vouch for the fact that it really does take time before you're ready to let it fully soften and heal.

I've always felt that when I reach the stage of forgiveness, I'll be ready to let go and heal properly, although it's not necessary for everyone to strive towards forgiveness. I think it's the acceptance part that we find peace, and you've unfortunately got to cycle through all the stages of grief (sometimes multiple times) before you get there. But you will get there one way or another. Your body is designed to get you there, and is constantly looking for safety and balance, so if you're able to tune into what you need at any given time, that might help to expedite the process, whether it's rest, to talk to others, therapy, getting stuck into exercise and hobbies, journalling, or even reading about BPD as a way of soothing the rumination a bit. There's many ways to get back to yourself, it's about doing what feels light and right, and choosing yourself as much as you can.

In terms of understanding the 'why' of everything - I would encourage you to consider doing some research away from your ex, and not ask him for explanations just yet, as there's high potential for you to have to face projections or hurtful responses, as you mentioned.

There is a lot of useful information on this site, so feel free to dig into that, but I have found Elinor Greenberg's explanations about what BPD is and how it manifests in behaviour to be very logical and simple to understand. It can help to make some of the hurtful patterns feel less personal. I haven't read it myself, but I've heard 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' is where a lot of people start if looking for literature about BPD as well.

In terms of whether there's anything else you could have done, there are tools on this site that can help to maintain the relationship with a bit more stability, but, the truth is, we really don't have any control over anyone and their actions, no matter how perfect we are. So I think you should definitely rest easy in that respect. if your partner does suffer from BPD and he doesn't know it, and is therefore undiagnosed and untreated, he's going to be dealing with some very difficult and complicated relational and regulation issues that he likely doesn't have the awareness, skills or capacity to work through at the moment. There really is absolutely nothing you could have done differently to change that about him.

Over time, you may come to see that the amazing parts of him did exist, but so did the difficult parts, and that's who he is at this point in time. And although you might not miss the difficult parts, there's a lot of grief in terms of losing those good parts, so definitely go easy on yourself for a while.