Stepdaughter is making me crazy

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am newly married, and my husband's adult (22-year-old) daughter wreaks havoc with him on a regular basis.

There is a crisis at least once a month. I began tracking how it affects him and how he ends up taking it out on me.

She cannot keep a job, sleeps all day, and doesn't go to school or therapy. Is able to go out with friends and party. Using drugs and so on. He financially supports her and is constantly walking on eggshells around her.

I think he is enabling her, and I choose not to respond to her the way he does. He has accused me of being mean to her if I don't sugarcoat a text or answer her text immediately.

I think he is the issue and not her. We are not on the same page with this at all.

What does it take to fix that? He refuses therapy.

[Helpfromafar]

I am newly married, and my husband's adult (22-year-old) daughter wreaks havoc with him on a regular basis.

There is a crisis at least once a month. I began tracking how it affects him and how he ends up taking it out on me.

She cannot keep a job, sleeps all day, and doesn't go to school or therapy. Is able to go out with friends and party. Using drugs and so on. He financially supports her and is constantly walking on eggshells around her.

I think he is enabling her, and I choose not to respond to her the way he does. He has accused me of being mean to her if I don't sugarcoat a text or answer her text immediately.

I think he is the issue and not her. We are not on the same page with this at all.

What does it take to fix that? He refuses therapy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

Boy I can relate.  I lived through a very similar situation.  I married my husband when his kids were young adults, and shortly after we married, all h**** broke loose.  I have one stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD in her early 20s, and another older one with mental health issues too.  I got to know them in their teen years (while dating their dad), and though they might be described as "drama queens" with high emotionality and immaturity, I'd never characterize them as exceptional, dysfunctional or ill when they were in high school.  The dysfunction emerged when they went to college.  I think they just didn't have the emotional maturity to handle it all on their own (especially the increased freedom/independence), and experimenting with illicit substances didn't help one bit.

The worst phase was when my BPD stepdaughter was NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy.  Like your stepdaughter, mine slept all day, refused to help around the house and wouldn't join meals with the family.  She lived like a total slob and rarely bathed.  She used marijuana daily, which destroyed any motivation she might have had, as well as made her very flaky/spacey/forgetful.  On top of that, she started getting delusional and paranoid.  Her attitude was exceedingly negative.  If she wasn't raging, she was being passive-aggressive and outright hostile.  She rotted in bed.  All she did was consume social media, which fed her alienation even more, because she felt left out when her peers moved on.  She lost all her friends, from her college roommates/sorority sisters who kicked her out, to her besties from high school.  In short, because she was doing nothing, she felt like she was nothing, and she took it out on family and friends, blaming them in the process.  She became less functional than a kindergartener!  Maybe even worse than that, my husband ALLOWED her to behave that way in our household.  He let her treat everyone like dirt (and I had to live in a dirty house, too).  But worst of all was that he ENABLED the bad behavior for so long.

Like you, I did not see eye to eye with my husband about how to handle things.  My husband thought, if he just gave his daughter everything she asked for, he'd save her.  And if he refused to give her what she asked, she might kill herself.  He couldn't say "no" to her, even if saying "no" were in her own best interest!  Granted, he loves his daughter, and that love is what saw me through the dark days.  But he was operating in a FOG:  through Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  I think his judgment was very clouded.  And my stepdaughter took full advantage of him.  At first, she'd throw a tantrum whenever she didn't get what she wanted, until he relented and did whatever she asked.  Later, she'd threaten suicide if she didn't get her way.  And ultimately, she'd actually attempt suicide when she didn't get her way.  Playing with life is a very dangerous game indeed--I called it her "nuclear" phase.  I felt I was on suicide watch for around four years.  The stress, the sacrifices, the dysfunction nearly destroyed me.  But if I said anything about his daughter, my husband would take it as a criticism of her and an indictment of his parenting.  So I changed tack and suggested to my husband that he get therapy, to get some professional help in dealing with all this.  But just like your husband, he refused.  You see, he's a "traditional" dad, more of a provider than a nurturer.  He was also a "snowplow" dad, clearing any obstacle or inconvenience in his daughter's path, trying make things easy for her, in the name of keeping her happy and alive, no matter the expense or inconvenience to him/us.  In short, he thought he could "fix" his daughter.  And if she were "normal," that might have worked.  But BPD doesn't work that way.  In fact, it seemed that the worse the dysfunction, the more my stepdaughter was rewarded!  Eventually she got her own apartment, paid vacations, endless tuition (even if she failed/dropped out of college numerous times), a new car, a bottomless debit card.  She'd use UberEats several times a week, when my husband and I cut out all restaurants and take-out.  She had numerous TV subscriptions, but in our house we got rid of all but the most basic TV channels.  She'd go on vacations, but we had to cancel ours.  I could go on, but I bet you can relate.

The situation really strained our marriage.  Because of the constant tension and worry in the household, my husband started to take his distress out on me.  Since he couldn't control his daughter, his response was to try to control me.  He got extremely paranoid every time I left the house.  He basically imposed a 6:00 PM curfew on me (though he let his daughters stay out all night, not knowing where they were, and he left the home three evenings per week to exercise).  He demanded constant service from me, from meal preparation to acting as a "little helper" any time he did something around the house.  He snapped at me all the time, for breathing, for checking emails (I was a C-suite executive), for coughing when I had a cold, for taking any phone calls.  He'd yell at me if I looked at him ("Stop staring!), and he'd yell at me if I didn't look at him (Look at me when I'm talking to you!).  He demanded to know what texts I received (I rarely text, and most of my incoming texts are vendor/service notices).  If he couldn't control what I did, then he tried to control WHEN I did it, such as telling me when he wanted me to do dishes (which was not right after a meal).  His daughters would leave a mess, but he'd yell at me if I didn't clean it up right away.  He wouldn't let me see friends, out of jealousy.  It took me a long time to realize that my husband's meanness and controlling behaviors weren't about me or anything I did.  It was because he felt powerless, and the way to reclaim some sense of control was to control me.  If this is an issue for you, let me know and I'll be happy to share how I addressed this issue.

Things eventually did turn around for us.  But the sad part is that, in order for things to turn around, my stepdaughter had to hit bottom first.  In a way, my husband had to hit bottom too.  It took her four suicide attempts, and some ultimatums.  The first ultimatum came from doctors:  since my stepdaughter had tried some treatments and refused others, the doctors said that, unless she tried one last program, there was nothing else they could do for her.  So if she attempted suicide again, she would be committed involuntarily.  The next "ultimatum" came from me.  I told my husband, look, your daughter is unwell.  You can't fix her, she needs to get professional help.  But BPD is treatable!  Your priority right now is to ensure she follows doctors' orders, whatever they may be.  When he heard that, I think he breathed a sigh of relief.  He was liberated from trying to fix his daughter, because everything he had tried didn't seem to work.  Let the doctors take care of it, they know what to do!  And then the next ultimatum came from my husband.  He told his daughter, he would support her as long as she did exactly what the doctors said.  She could choose to go her own way, but if she did that, she'd be on her own.  (Historically, she'd decline to undergo treatment programs, refused medications and skipped therapy sessions).  By this point, I think my stepdaughter's choice was an easy one.  And I think she warmed up to the idea of getting help from professionals.  In a way, it validated her identity of being a victim, someone needing professional help to overcome her various traumas.

Another positive choice on her part was to grant her dad some access to her treatment information.  That made him her chief ally in the recovery process.  For a while, my husband had joint therapy sessions with her and her therapist.  In addition, when she seemed to be at risk, my husband was allowed to talk with her therapist, so they could share insights and work as a team.

I'm very glad to say that my stepdaughter committed to therapy and got her life back on track.  She hasn't mentioned suicide for several months now.  Though progress wasn't in a straight line, and she's still very emotional, she's heading in the right direction now.  My husband and I aren't on constant suicide watch anymore.  And my stepdaughter's daily life looks much, much healthier and functional now.  Though she's still a bit behind her peers, she's not rotting in her bed like she used to be.  She's much more engaged with the world, between new friends, part-time work and part-time studies.  She's living in an apartment with girls her own age.  She made a LOT of progress in a fairly short time.

Looking back, I think that the period of enablement of self-destruction went on much longer than it had to.  Your stepdaughter is only 22, she has practically her whole life ahead of her.  I hope she gets the therapy she needs as soon as possible, and that she commits to it.  That's the only way to start to feel better, in my opinion.

[Helpfromafar]

Wow, thank you for sharing your experience. I would love to hear more about when your husband started trying to control you. That is happening to me and honestly, I began thinking that might be a bigger issue than the stepdaughter.

Just last night, my husband and I got into over her again. She had texted me a birthday message and I didn't see it right away. My husband jumped my case and accused me of being mean to her. I replied to her message with an "apology for missing the text" and a "thank you for the message," but because I didn't make it sugary sweet I am the villain. This is one of many times something like this has happened. She even went as far as sending my husband the text and complaining I was cold and insensitive. Now, I am in a triangle with my husband and this adult child, which I do not want any part of.

I told him I did not want to be a part of the triangle and recommended that he research triangulation. That set him off. He gives more money to her than he contributes to our household. The resentments are growing, as you can tell.

I told my husband I would not address her like he does. I would not be mean, but I would also not buy into her games. And, if he didn't like that, then he could tell her not to contact me.  That ticked him off, and he went at me for being insensitive and then accused me of enabling my children, who are fully functioning adults whom I basically mentor. I have never rewarded my kids if they do not help themselves. It's been a motto for me and ingrained from my youth. He and I have completely different views on raising kids. Both of our kids do not live with us. Thank God.

My husband was so upset he basically told me to pack his things, and that he was moving out. This is the third time he has threatened me with this. He said he could not be married to someone who would not embrace his daughter.

I am feeling over it.

[CC43]

Hi again,

Indeed, what you describe happened to me, too.  If I had any sort of interaction with his BPD stepdaughter, and she was upset in any way (note she was ALWAYS upset because of her BPD), then he'd rail on me for causing his daughter distress.  If I even dared to ask his stepdaughter do the tiniest thing, like bring water glasses down from her room because we didn't have enough (I wasn't allowed in her room to collect dishes or "borrowed" belongings), he'd literally scream at me.  He probably thought, if I didn't serve his little princess and let her do whatever she wanted, she'd try to commit suicide.  And I hated how he treated me--he would yell, he'd treat me like a slave, and worst of all, he showed to his kids how I was to be treated, i.e. without respect.

I guess I felt that he didn't really treat me that way when we were alone, and when his girls were relatively stable.  But the moment they showed signs of dysfunction (even if I wasn't directly aware of it), my husband would start lashing out at me.  It seemed like he was deflecting some of the blame for the dysfunction my way.  For example, when his BPD stepdaughter didn't get what she wanted, she'd typically run to her mom's or somewhere else, not only to "punish" my husband for his infraction(s), but also to flee from whatever responsibility she didn't want to deal with.  My stepdaughter would typically refuse to answer calls or texts from her dad (at least until she needed something, typically money).  This hurt my husband, and he'd become even more worried when he didn't hear from her for days.  You see, silence was never a good sign.  Since I don't control my husband's cell phone, I don't directly know if he's texting with his daughter or not.  (And I couldn't really ask him about her, because he'd always interpret my inquiry as a criticism or indictment.)  But I did figure out what was going on, indirectly.  Because when she gave him the silent treatment in protest, he'll be so stressed out and worried that he'd start taking it out on me.  The yelling and controlling behaviors would go into overdrive.  I took me a while to detect the pattern, but once I did, it became clear.

The money issue also happened with me.  I was taking on more and more of the household expenses, which ballooned when his adult daughters rebounded back to the home after failed attempts at adulting, and he was spending more on his adult BPD daughter than on our household expenses.  It got to the point that he deferred retirement for years so that my stepdaughter didn't have to work at all.  Meanwhile, her living standards only improved, with various luxurious apartments (central location, covered parking, etc.), a new car, and all living expenses paid for, including health/car insurance, utilities, food, rent, vacation travel, etc.  She threw away tuition by starting college semesters various times, but dropping out once assignments were due.

So what did I do?  I've got to go now, but I'll get back to you.

[CC43]

To continue,

What helped me was to recognize that my husband's angry outbursts were a reaction to the stress and crises caused by his BPD daughter, and to recognize that his attempts to control me were his reaction to feeling out of control.  This made me realize that I wasn't the core problem--my own behavior wasn't the reason my husband was acting this way.

I also realized that though my husband wouldn't get a BPD diagnosis, he does have some BPD-like traits, which his daughter might have inherited and/or learned from him.  He tends to be quick to anger, and he does seem to be extra "sensitive," in that he picks up on other people's emotions, and he seems to read too much into other people's body language.  He seems primed to detect what other people are feeling, rather than focus on what people are actually doing.  I'm not saying that he's BPD, but he does exhibit some of the behaviors when under stress.  This is good to know, because the skills I learned by reading these boards, such as gray rocking and avoiding JADE (justifying, arguing, defending or explaining), seem to work very well with my husband!

As an example, if I had business meetings outside of regular business hours, such as board meetings, he'd resent that I wasn't at home to serve him.  Worse, he'd text and/or call me multiple times during the meeting, complaining that I was "too late," even if I reminded him that my board meetings typically lasted until 8 PM.  He'd continue to call to pester me about my whereabouts.  If I didn't answer right away (phones are supposed to be off during board meetings), he'd become irate, accusing me of being a sh*** wife because I was ignoring him.  He'd yell at me as I was driving home, and he'd swear at me and make me very upset.  At first, I made the mistake of JADEing.  I'd explain I was in a board meeting, that I told him about it beforehand, that I couldn't do it any other time, etc.  I'd ask him what the emergency was.  I'd ask, why couldn't he heat up the food I left for him if he was that hungry.  The more I talked, the angrier he'd get.  He was furious I wasn't at home with dinner on the table like I usually was.  It didn't matter that board meetings were part of my job.  It didn't matter that I didn't complain whenever he went on a business trip, but he had a hissy fit every month when I had a board meeting.  The anger and yelling were recurrent.  Until I changed tack, using the techniques on this site.  If he called just to yell at me, I'd tell him that's what he was doing and I'd hang up.  If he called again, I'd answer if I was able, but if he yelled, I said if he called just to yell at me, I'd hang up again.  If he yelled at me when I got home, I'd go into another room.  My boundary was, if he yelled, I'd be silent, or I'd leave, or I'd hang up.  You see, he was having a tantrum.  What works for a tantrum?  A time out.  I gave him time and space to cool off.  I didn't make it worse by fighting back.  Typically, by the next morning, he would calm down.  And I know he knows he was being ridiculous.  His anger wasn't rational.  It was emotional, because he was stressed out, he was regressing, and I wasn't meeting his needs.  He can be a bit of a bully, and some people think that bullies back down if confronted.  In my husband's case, if I confronted him, he'd become irate and feed off of the negative energy.  I found that stepping back and disengaging worked much better, giving him time to cool off.

He still is controlling, but I insist on living my life.  I do try to accommodate him sometimes; for example, I know that dinnertime is a sensitive topic for him, but he's more relaxed if I do my own thing in the morning.  When he's in a calm state, I remind him that healthy adults have hobbies, and friends, and activities outside the home.  I remind him that I support him with his hobbies/friends/activities, and I expect the same from him.  When he is acting suspicious or jealous, I remind him that I choose him over everyone else, and I choose him every day.  It's true, and he seems to like that.

Another thing I try to do is keep interactions positive and upbeat, and to provide reassurance, especially when he seems insecure.  I notice the nice things he does, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential.  I'll thank him for taking out the garbage.  I'll praise him for making great coffee.  I'll remind him how nice it is to have someone appreciate the meal I prepared.  I'll say, it's considerate how he adjusts the lighting.  When his daughters are doing well, I'll praise him for being such a good dad, giving good advice, having their best interests at heart, etc.  All of this is true.  I say he's a great husband, almost every day.

One piece of advice is that if your husband has a long track record of being controlling, maybe you focus on enforcing one boundary at a time.  You go to the gym, or get your nails done, or have a coffee date with a friend.  If he puts up a big fuss, try to ignore it, and do it anyway.  (I know the temptation is to not do it, to keep your husband from blowing up, but that isn't healthy for either of you.)  Then when the moment is right (i.e. not in a moment of crisis), you emphasize how nice it is to go get that coffee with a friend.  You thank him for supporting your friendships.  You remind him, that's what makes adult life so nice.  Soon enough (I hope), he'll think it's normal for you to get a coffee with a friend.  It might become routine.  That's how I reclaimed my life, in baby steps, reinforcing the positive at the right times, and heaping on the praise.  I emphasize how we both support each other in having a healthy, social, interesting life.  At the same time, we're modeling what a healthy adult's life looks like for the daughter with BPD.

[PearlsBefore]

One thing to keep in mind, which is easier to say where you're a step-parent coming into the situation, is that the elephant in the room with BPD is that it is often/usually tied into allegations/history of abuse by a parent figure while the child was prepubescent preventing a normal parent-child attachment from forming. Now it may be that he made mistakes in his past, or it may be that a former partner of his did, or even potentially a very close relative (but it's not usually tied to coaches/teachers) - either way it is possible he feels guilty for the role he played in not preventing it fifteen years ago and now he "can't say no to her" and spoils her and places no demands or expectations on her whatsoever...which of course, as a healthy person yourself, you can see isn't helping her.

[CC43]

One thing to keep in mind, which is easier to say where you're a step-parent coming into the situation, is that the elephant in the room with BPD is that it is often/usually tied into allegations/history of abuse by a parent figure while the child was prepubescent preventing a normal parent-child attachment from forming. Now it may be that he made mistakes in his past, or it may be that a former partner of his did, or even potentially a very close relative (but it's not usually tied to coaches/teachers) - either way it is possible he feels guilty for the role he played in not preventing it fifteen years ago and now he "can't say no to her" and spoils her and places no demands or expectations on her whatsoever...which of course, as a healthy person yourself, you can see isn't helping her.

Pearls, I agree with you that the parent might feel tremendous guilt for the child's imperfect upbringing, and that because of guilt, the parent won't ever say "no" to the child.  It's very possible that there is a history of some sort of abuse with people who develop BPD.  However, in my experience, what I see at play wouldn't necessarily qualify as abuse.  I think it's very possible that BPD could develop, even in the absence of abuse.  In addition, because of the heightened sensitivity and emotionality involved in BPD, "normal" childhoods and relationships might be perceived as abusive, even if for "normal" people that wouldn't be considered the case.  My point is, abuse isn't necessarily a requirement for BPD to develop.

In observing my stepdaughter over a number of years, what I see at play was "toxic" family dynamics following divorce, whereby the children made the rules of the household(s).  You see, given shared custody, the kids quickly learned that in order to get what they wanted, they could alienate the offending parent by running to the other parent's house.  The offending parent--typically the one trying to enforce some rules--would be "punished" with the kid's absence.  The kids learned that they could play the parents off of each other, because their split was acrimonious, and the parents didn't function as a team.  So the parents in effect "fought" each other by trying to "win" the kids from one another.  I don't think there was much disparagement going on--I never heard their dad speak unfavorably of their mom, at least not in front of the kids, ever.  Yet the kids were perhaps spoiled with loose rules, constant concessions and attempts to buy affection.  What the kids learned was that whenever they threw a tantrum, a parent relented.  Basically the kids were allowed to come and go as they pleased, and they had no chores or responsibilities in either household.  Further, both parents would over-function for the kids.  Their dad would do things like pay for multiple speeding and parking tickets, or clean up the house trashed by parties thrown by his daughter, who didn't bother asking for permission and didn't even help clean up.  As I mentioned previously, I'd characterize their dad as a "snowplow" dad, clearing obstacles, inconveniences and difficulties in the kids' path.  For the kids, the relationship between actions and consequences was typically severed, or at least highly distorted, because of this.  Thus the underlying guilt my husband felt was "divorced dad guilt."  I could see how hard he was trying to give his kids everything they desired.  He practically ran himself ragged serving them and trying to make them happy.  He loved them, and he showed it by letting the kids do whatever they wanted.

Now many will say I have no business opining about raising kids, because I don't have kids of my own, but my opinion is that kids need rules to feel secure.  In fact, I think kids WANT some healthy rules and routines.  If they make up their own rules, they can become very entitled, and expect the rest of the world to put them at the center of the universe, and to bend to their will.  If you add a highly sensitive disposition and a confused notion of identity (which are typical of BPD), then I think the child grows up very confused about the world and their place in it.  And once they leave the semi-dysfunctional home environment, and venture out in the real world, they are not prepared at all.  Now I'm not saying that the kids are horrible--if met them, you'd probably think they were normal.  What I'm saying is that they had their parents wrapped around their little fingers, and they learned how to manipulate them to get their way.  But I think they lacked patience, discipline, problem-solving skills, emotional maturity, perspective and conflict-resolution skills, as well as basic life skills.  They were deficient in some social-emotional areas.  I'm not sure how to describe it except for the link between actions and consequences was misunderstood.  When it came to the BPD daughter, she didn't learn distress tolerance or problem-solving skills; what she learned was to blame others for all her problems, and to throw tantrums until she got her way.  But you probably can see that those strategies don't work very well in the real world.