Relational Life Therapy

[LittleRedBarn]

Has anyone here tried Relational Life Therapy with a recovering BPD partner?

https://relationallife.com/

My dBPDh has done a LOT of DBT therapy since his diagnosis two years ago. I myself have done two DBT courses and am currently on the NEABPD Family Connections program. All of this has made a huge difference to our lives, but we want to take things a stage further, now that we are starting to live together again.

My gut feeling is that this could help us, but I would be interested to know if anyone else has tried it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi LittleRedBarn;

I hadn't heard of RLT (and so of course have not done it with a partner, BPD or not), so I checked out the link. The site does seem more geared to professionals wishing to learn a new approach (vs clients wanting to learn about if RLT will be a good fit).

I found this list on the How Does RLT Work page:

RLT works in three steps:
Step 1: Waking Up
RLT therapists use loving confrontation to wake clients up to their negative behaviors in a direct but compassionate way. We show clients the difficult truths about how they are harming their relationships in a way that builds trust rather than resistance.

Step 2: Healing & Transformation
Swiftly get to the root of negative behaviors, understand them, and overcome them. Unique to RLT, deep trauma and inner child work is done in the presence of the partner. This allows individuals to go deeper and couples to grow closer.

Step 3: Relational Skills For Life
RLT equips people with the powerful tools they need to continue building authentic, healthy relationships long after their time in therapy is over—the key to creating change that lasts.

Getting equipped with tools to do relational work after therapy ends does sound helpful.

How do you think your H would do in step 1 with being confronted?

How do you think you would do with doing deep trauma work in front of your H?

...

Have you chatted about this with your H yet? If so, what does he think?

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi Kells

Thank you for this thought-provoking and insightful reply!

To answer your questions:

How do you think your H would do in step 1 with being confronted?

My husband struggles hugely if he is ever asked to consider his own bad behavior. I think this is common in pwBPD, as they have such a deep and abiding sense of shame, and anything that triggers that shame must be viciously attacked. But I've confronted my dBPDh a couple of times lately, in as calm and compassionate way I can, always stressing how much I love him, and that my priority is our relationship, and he has responded surprisingly well. So I'm gauging that he *might* be ready for this kind of approach now. If he isn't the therapy will probably be a disaster!

From what I've read, the therapy is actually designed to elicit a shame response in front of the therapist. The idea is allow the person to see that it's okay to be ashamed if you have yelled at your wife, or sworn in front of your kids, but that the shame does not mean you are a terrible person, just that you let yourself down on this one occasion. The shame is already there, it's just hidden from the pwBPD because they are constantly projecting it outwards and blaming other people for it. So this approach lets them see it, and that they have not lost the regard either of their partner, or of the therapist by talking about it. If my husband can tolerate this approach, I think it could be very healing for him.

How do you think you would do with doing deep trauma work in front of your H?

I think this would be very hard for me, and would really test my level of trust in my husband. Again, I think it could either be very healing or a total disaster! So it's looking like high stakes for both of us.

Have you chatted about this with your H yet? If so, what does he think?

Yes, I mentioned it to him at the weekend and showed him some of the material. He was cautiously interested. His main objection is that he's 'fed up of therapy', but that's a continual complaint from him. So I think he'd be open to it as an idea.

There was an in-depth article about Relational Life Therapy in the New York Times recently. It's paywalled, but I think you can read a certain number of articles for free if you sign up.
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/02/04/magazine/therapy-marriage-couples-counseling.html?smid=nytcore-android-share

I think finding the right therapist will be key, and might prove more difficult that I think!

[kells76]

Yes, I mentioned it to him at the weekend and showed him some of the material. He was cautiously interested. His main objection is that he's 'fed up of therapy', but that's a continual complaint from him. So I think he'd be open to it as an idea.

Does he know yet that you have some reservations?

...

I wonder if in a weird way, getting the actual therapy is less important than how this situation -- discussing getting RLT, hearing each other, debating pros and cons -- can bring you together and create more instances of positive interaction to build on.

He has reservations, and you have reservations too. He was "cautiously interested", you have some interest, too.

Agreeing that the two of you are on the same page -- intrigued but a little wary -- might build some "togetherness" between you two, so it isn't "you vs him" but the two of you as a team negotiating a change.

How feasible do you think it would be to work together with him to come up with a "let's just try it once and then talk together" plan? Something where the dynamic isn't you trying to get him to go to a therapist you picked, but the dynamic is you as a united couple discussing a shared experience (first T session) and deciding as a couple how you want to move forward.

I'm also wondering if (again, weirdly) it could be positive for you two to try a new T once, and then, if it's not an ideal fit, you be the one to raise to your H "I'm just not feeling it with this T... what do you think about us not continuing with him". Could be a real shift in the dynamic.

Really interesting situation you're in... I'll be curious to hear more about how things go.

[LittleRedBarn]

Thanks, Kells, that's really interesting!

My H and I were just talking yesterday about how we've never really worked out how to make joint decisions effectively, or solve problems together. Generally, we just fight and one of us wins while the other seethes in resentment until the next time.

Maybe some of the two years of therapy is rubbing off on us, and we can see this as an opportunity to make an effective joint decision, maybe for the first time!

Something along the lines of "We both agree that we need support to navigate the process of living together again after all this time apart, the question is what type of therapy do we want, what kind of therapist do we need? And how can we each bring our individual skills to the problem solving process, to find the best result for us as a couple?"

That level of co-operation would have felt impossible, even just six months ago!