Boundaries and scripts — help for this worn-out mom

[SoVeryConfused]

I have a DD 24 years old. Had a number of concussions several years ago, and things have been off since. Was an easy child, but went thru a lot with a sick older sibling.

Many deregulation traits. Seemingly getting worse.. I am her favorite person and get the brunt of her anger. She called me 70 times on Sunday.

We are snowbirds, which has made her very angry that I’m not here 365 days. She now moved two hours away, but seems to be very lonely and always asking me to drive down to take her to the ER for a variety of things or to bring her food. The testing is continual. Yet she’ll cancel me when the plan is to visit.

My boundaries are poor. I often get in the car multiple times in a day to do the drive because I don’t want her to feel I don’t care, but when she realizes that I passed the test, she tells me not to come, saying that I trigger her. Then to come. Etc. I feel nuts.

The last two days she has cursed me the worst that she ever has. I admit to not being skillful in the Conversations and getting angry too and wish washy.

My H gets upset- he said I teach her how to treat me by accepting this. It’s true to a degree;  I worry greatly about her. I never want her to think I don’t love her.

Today it’s a blizzard and I’m sick but she called saying she has a spinal cord injury and wants me to drive her to the ER. If I don’t, she has every excuse why she can’t get herself there. And is furious I’m not coming.

I’ve stopped returning calls or texts. I am greatly struggling with boundaries and this is really wearing on my mental health. And I am generally a very happy person.

There’s more I could say, but suffice to say, I would very much welcome any scripting or boundary suggestions you have. Validating and trying to use reflective listening makes her more mad. She’s a smartie!

I’m losing myself in guilt and questioning my own perceptions of my parenting and her childhood. I’m so sad for her too. Thanks for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mars]

You are dealing with an impossible situation as a parent. I relate 100% to being the person who is the favourite and taking the brunt of all of the anger. I am too working on my scripting for boundary setting so I’m sorry but I don’t yet have the magic script. I struggle constantly with trying to validate feelings when awful, hurtful things are coming out of my daughter’s mouth.

The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was recently recommended to me by my counsellor. I am only part way through it but it has been eye opening for me so far to see how some of the things that I have done out of love have fed into my daughters behaviours. There is no blame. We do for our kids what we think is right based on what we know - but honestly reading some of this is helping me to put boundaries in place because I am learning more about how I can stop validating some of the scary behaviours. I’m learning about how I can’t control or be responsible for my adult daughter’s behaviour and I can only be responsible for what I do. This is terrifying to me because all I want to do is fix it all and make it all better.

Just thought I would share some of what is helping me take baby steps…

[SoVeryConfused]

We had a crisis last night that ended up With the police. First time for everything!

I basically kept my mouth shut after and just listened even when I was hearing things that I knew were not accurate.

I didn’t even validate other than to say things like: that must be really hard or that must hurt. It was very hard to see how broken my loved one is.

We are talking today until the next time I can’t meet a demand - I can’t fix her life and she’s terribly unhappy. But she wants me to… she expects me to drop everything - or else I don’t care.

How does one walk that tightrope? Gosh. It’s so so tiring.

[Sancho]

Hi Soveryconfused
So often I think 'the curse of the mobile phone'. In one way it is amazing  - but when on the BPD journey it can be a tyrant.

I remember the 'good old days' when if you left the house no one would expect you to answer a phone - bliss!

I found myself in heightened alert whenever the phone rang - ready for the emergency that I was supposed to 'fix' IMMEDIATELY.

It took me a long, long time to realise that DD's experience of intense emotion or fear was real for her, but the intensity could pass if I allowed her some time to de-escalate,

I started answering - but not straight away. I would deliberately leave my phone inside if I was going outside - then just told the truth when I was in touch and being abused. I gradually extended the time it took me to answer.

If there was no message left, I would leave it quite a long time. If there was a message left I would wait a while, then return the call.

Of course any change from not being immediately available brings huge emotional abuse - but it is working!

I don't see this as my DD putting it all on. I know she has intense emotions that she can't handle and needs me to immediately 'fix it'. But she can't maintain that intensity and that is what I am giving her the time and space to do.

I can understand your DD picks up on when you are validating etc. I am getting better at just stating that I am not able to help.

Is there any way you can start to get some sort of 'routine' going? Just thinking off the top of my head now! If DD is ringing you all the time, perhaps start to ring her at a given time - whatever suits you - but on a regular basis. Same with a visit - is it possible to visit her at some point, but in a way that could be regular?

It is hard to establish new patterns, but I wonder if you start - in a slow way -not responding immediately while at the same time gradually establishing that there are times set aside when you will be available to her?

This is a point I am at now. I retired a year ago to try to be more available to DD and GD. It has been chaos. Now I am hoping to find some work so that I won't be available at certain times. Fingers crossed I can begin to bring some sort of order out of the chaos that is my life at the moment.

Your situation is so distressing. Please try to care for yourself as best you can.

[SoVeryConfused]

Thank you for this thoughtful answer. I like the idea of leaving the phone behind a bit but finding a way to be in more regular contact too.

I have to work on managing my own emotional distress also over the abusive words and threats. It’s very hard. Thank you for your suggestions.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I can understand how worried you must feel all the time to witness such distress and dysfunction in your adult daughter.  No parent wants to see their kid suffer, and at the same time, a parent's happiness can be wrapped up in the kid's happiness.

It sounds to me like you are a worrier AND a fixer.  That's a tough combination with a loved one with BPD.  I have an adult stepdaughter with BPD, and I think my husband is more of a fixer than a worrier.  For a long time, he was a "snowplow" parent, trying to remove any obstacle in his children's path.  However, for the child with BPD, no amount of snowplowing would spare her from distress.  Moreover, she seemed to create her own special internal distress, with negative, self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors.

I think that gradually my husband had to transition from a "fixer" to an "adviser," as many parents do when their kids transition to adulthood.  Moreover, we've had to make a distinction between allowing the BPD daughter to vent her feelings, vs. expressing true distress that she couldn't possibly handle on her own.  You see, my stepdaughter complains frequently about loneliness, fatigue, her schedule, how toxic all the people in her life are, how she feels like a failure, how nothing goes her way, etc.  It's almost like she's worn a rut in her brain by ruminating about negative things, which distract her from the tasks of the day.  She is a consummate procrastinator and worrier, and she's often at risk at derailing her life because of that.  But I think, sometimes she needs to VENT.  She doesn't want a solution; she wants to process her negative feelings and get them out of her.  Though she might want help, the time of parental over-functioning for her and rescuing her from every little situation has come to an end.  She's too old to need so much help with stuff a teenager should be able to handle.  So now the parental role has shifted, to one of listening, cheerleading, and maybe asking, What do you think would help in this situation?  And sometimes she needs to hear, work and school are tough, aches and pains are normal, occasional trouble sleeping is normal, worrying about money is normal, worrying about the future is normal, having to slog through a long work day is normal!  Being an adult comes with all sorts of tasks and responsibilities that we don't really want to deal with, but we deal with them because we are responsible adults.  Since my adult stepdaughter has had therapy and medications, learning how to deal with daily adult-level stress is a major concern.  In the face of stress, she tends to dredge up ancient grievances and tales of victimhood.  Historically, my husband would rescue her, but now, he listens, and then tries to steer her around and get her to focus on the present.  He's determined to get her on a path towards partial independence, and that requires her to deal with stress and disappointments, even if they cause some distress or struggles.

I really like Sancho's advice about slow-walking.  I think you don't need to jump in and help your daughter all the time.  If she's really in distress, she can always call 911, and maybe that way she gets the professional medical or psychological support she needs.  Now, I'm not saying that you should abandon her--she's surely very sensitive to that--but maybe you're just not as available as you used to be, because, after all, she's an adult now, and you are busy living a full and healthy life.  Sometimes I think she needs more time to process feelings and learn how to solve problems on her own.  Sitting around crying or raging does very little to solve problems, unless a parent jumps to the rescue.  If that's the case, then her incentive is to cry and rage, and she has little incentive to change.

Sometimes I look at the crying/whining/raging as adult tantrums.  What works best for an adult tantrum?  An adult time out.  She needs time and space to sort through her issues, alone at first.  That way she might learn some emotional resilience.  I'd say, you need to give her more time and space, lest she hijack your life forever.

[SoVeryConfused]

Thank you for this sharing such an in-depth response.

You have nailed me. I am a worrier AND a fixer. I have terrible boundaries although I'm trying so hard. She goes from really nice normal conversations to swearing at me and telling me I'm a bad mom, and she's going to kill herself. Then calls me back 50-70 times. If I don't answer, she calls my husband, my other daughter, etc. 

It sounds like, from the responses, that I am over-functioning as a parent to her detriment and mine. That I need to change my reaction even if it's hard. And even if she's threatening to do A, B and C. It's difficult because I love her, and I do know she's miserable. I find it hard to be compassionate and somewhat accessible, yet not give in to her demands.

Thank you so much for your advice.

[Pook075]

How does one walk that tightrope? Gosh. It’s so so tiring.

In short, you get off the tightrope completely and let your daughter live her life.  She is responsible for herself, while you are responsible for you.  Her path towards healing is taking her mental health seriously, and only she can decide to take those steps to improve her life.

Here's the thing though, every time you bail her out, she's one step further away from those self-realizations.  As long as she can blame you and abuse you without consequence, then it's very easy to say/think that you're the entire problem. 

Why?  Because you're proving it every day- she calls and you come running.  By doing so, you're validating the invalid within her mind and encouraging even more bad behavior in the future.  In essence, you're doing this to yourself.

Your daughter is sick and as parents, we want to swoop in and save the day.  But with BPD, that's causing more harm than good because it's teaching that the BPD's in our life don't have to be accountable for their actions.

So what to do?  Here are a few places to start:

1) If she calls with demands, insults, or unrealistic expectations, tell her that you're hanging up and will call her later.  Do this every time so it's a very obvious, predictable pattern. 

2) If she has a sudden medical emergency (which is a very common claim for BPDs, by the way), then offer to dial 9-1-1 for her so she can get immediate help.  If she refuses, then she's making a choice...and you want her to make choices on her own.  Remember, you are responsible for you, she's responsible for her.  You must stop running to her every time she "cries wolf", it only guarantees that she's do it more often.

3) Likewise, if she wants you there more often, tell her to move back into your area.  Remind her of her choice to be two hours away- her choice, her consequences.  If she wants to spend time together, she should be driving to you at least half the time.  Once she begins to be abusive in person though, it's time for you to leave.  Abuse is a choice- her choice, her consequences. You must protect your own mental health first and foremost.

4) She'll have many excuses why 1, 2, and 3 won't work...you'll probably have several excuses as well.  Each of those things are enabling her to abuse you though, and you are making the choice to allow her.  That's why I keep saying that you are responsible for you, she's responsible for her.  Make that clear distinction and stop accepting abuse that only makes her illness worse over time.  Enabling is the worst possible thing for a BPD young adult.

My daughter had the same story and by 22, we had to go no contact for awhile.  Her life got very rough but at the same time, she had to realize that there was a problem within her that was damaging relationships to those she was closest with.  At 26, she's a completely different person and she doesn't abuse anyone.  There's definitely still moments, but they pass and things get back to normal pretty quickly.

For your kid to get there, you have to stop the cycle of entitlement and abuse.  She has to hit her own rock bottom and choose to overcome this.  It's incredibly hard as a parent but the alternative ruins many lives (yours, your spouse, your kids, etc) instead of just hers.  She must change and ultimately grow up...but you're a huge part of that right now.