I keep thinking maybe I’m the issue

[Newyork38]

It took me a lot to post this message. I have been dating someone who I think may have BPD, but I’m not sure. She has broken up with me three times or more in a period of 6 months.

When the relationship is good, it’s so good. Everything about it is good. But when it’s bad, it’s very bad.

One day I texted asking how she was and she replied by telling me that she had heard that I had been promiscuous before our relationship and that made her embarrassed. I called her and tried to explain nicely that one she shouldn’t believe just anything she hears but that also I was single and what I did before we met shouldn’t define our relationship. She hung the phone up on me.  The following day she broke up with me via text stating that she deserves better etc etc. I responded by telling her that I was sad and tried to explain that I didn’t think this was warranted but that I would respect her decision. . She contacted me the following day and initially acted like none of it even happened. When I confronted her, she said she was upset and wanted to get back together.

This has since happened about 3 times. I have tried reasoning over and over again. When I try talking to her about my feelings, I always try to acknowledge hers first, but it doesn’t matter, she gets angry and either leaves or pushes me away. I have even offered to go to therapy with her. When she gets mad she is very mean, and often it comes out of seemingly no where.


When things are good she tells me how much she loves me, wants to get married, have children……. And normally says “do you love me?” Out of the blue.

I don’t know what to do here…….

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums, thanks so much for sharing and I am so sorry for what you're going through.  You're right, it takes a lot to post the first time but it was a very good decision since others can understand what you're going through.

With BPD, there is an overwhelming fear of abandonment that can cause some serious turmoil in relationships.  In a nutshell, the BPD is so afraid of breaking up that they begin to lash out and cause turmoil in the relationship...which often leads to a break-up.  Or sometimes they'll leave so you can't leave them.  It doesn't make logical sense but that's the whole problem here- disordered thinking when highly emotional.

Of course, you don't have a diagnosis (yet) and that's more for the clinical aspect anyway.  Your goal to smooth out this relationship is to learn better communication techniques, how to validate her feelings and make her feel secure, and to get past these highs and lows.  The good news is that BPD or not, this site is invaluable in teaching you those techniques and it is helpful in all relationships. 

Please take a look in the Tools section at the top of this page or through this link- https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;topic=3059825.0;num_replies=0#

Again, welcome to the family and please ask as many questions as you can.  We're here to help!

[Newyork38]

Thank you. It makes sense. I’m not sure I can continue with this. It’s so overwhelming and she is so nasty when she is upset, I have a hard time forgetting the things she said.

[Notwendy]

Thank you. It makes sense. I’m not sure I can continue with this. It’s so overwhelming and she is so nasty when she is upset, I have a hard time forgetting the things she said.

You don't have to continue. The choice to remain in a relationship, or not, is up to you. We don't tell posters what to do- as each person has their own circumstances to decide on.

It's a more complicated decision when someone is married, if there are children. In a relatively shorter dating situation- one has not made a promise or obligation of that nature.

We can not control how someone else feels. You are not responsible for her feelings. However, you can look at your own feelings and assess is this relatioship is something you want or not.

Those of us on the board won't choose for you, but you can choose.

[CC43]

Hi there,

BPD requires a professional diagnosis.  At the core is volatile and intense emotions, and oftentimes intense fear of abandonment.  Thus the mere thought of you being with another woman in the past might very well be a trigger.  Someone with BPD might not be able to handle "competition" from another woman, real or imagined.  When she's overtaken by emotions, the feelings are intense, and logical thought goes by the wayside.  That's why, if you try to allay her fears with logic, it probably won't work.  She might get even angrier, because you're JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending or explaining, i.e. using logic), and she probably feels unheard and misunderstood.  What's more, she might want you to fess up, and agree with her that you actually prefer another woman, or that you make her look bad because you were once with someone else.  You see, people with BPD often feel extremely insecure and inferior.  She will start to doubt that she's good enough for you.  Even if you attempt to reassure her of your devotion, once she's riled up, she's can't hear you over the intense feelings of rejection.  Rather than endure the negative feelings, she will beat you to the punch, and might start up an argument so that SHE can leave YOU.  She'd rather inflict pain on you than feel the very intense pain of being abandoned or rejected, even if she's imagining the whole thing.  She'll typically block you on social media and refuse to return your texts or calls.  She might even spread rumors about you, to try to inflict some pain.  People with BPD tend to read into, or actively look for, signs of rejection, criticism, disparagement or condescension, even when they don't exist.  They might think they are damaged/inferior/traumatized, and they ruminate about that so much that their perception of the world is seen through that distorted lens.

These negative thinking patters are very typical of someone with BPD.  Then, once some time has passed, she might get her emotions under control and realize that she misses you.  She might pretend that nothing happened--why dredge up those negative feelings again?  She probably never meant anything she said--she was in a dark place, and she wanted to hurt you so that you'd understand the pain she was feeling, but she doesn't really hate you.  And this is typical of the volatile relationships that are a hallmark of BPD.

Initially, she's intense, and so alluring, because she puts you at the center of her world.  But that intensity also goes the other way.  If she has BPD, she can learn to cope better with intense emotions if she gets therapy.  But many people with BPD resist therapy, because they think everyone else is causing their problems--they themselves are always a victim!  Has she told you that she was abused by several people in the past?  I think that's a red flag.  She might attract abusive people in her life.  But I think it's more likely that she FEELS victimized.   You see, she's very needy, entitled and demanding, which sets her up for continual disappointment.  Eventually she convinces herself that others try to make her life miserable, and she feels aggrieved and angry most of the time.  Her stories of abuse are probably exaggerated, because her brain re-arranges facts to portray herself as a victim.  That narrative gets tiring after a while, because she won't take ever take responsibility for her own poor decisions. Does this ring true?

Life with BPD tends to feel like a rollercoaster ride, especially when she's not getting therapy.  The question is if you want to ride the rollercoaster alongside her.  It's possible to avoid getting on the rollercoaster--if she has an adult tantrum, give her an adult time out (time and space to cool off).  But you can't force her to reengage until she's ready.  The frequency, intensity and duration of emotional outbursts can be extreme with full-blown, untreated BPD.  Emotions are super-sized, to the extent that they disrupt normal daily functioning, and they disrupt important relationships.  The skills to deal with a loved one with BPD are often counter-intuitive.  Hence this website.