seeking practical advise

[Fao]

This is my first post. My 24yo daughter was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 5 yrs ago. She is governed by a deep need to live with a boyfriend (any she can find who feed her delusions) for housing, validation, getting high etc., and runs away to another whenever the current relationship doesn't fulfill her needs. She has been mostly estranged from us, with occasional recent text contacts. It is difficult to validate and be empathetic b/c she is predominantly deceitful. We guided her, for about 2 years, through the typical maze of numerous therapists (none DBT), mood stabilizing meds, and Aripiprazole(?) injections, all of which was helping, until she decided to run again and quit treatment a yr and a half ago. She doesn't hold jobs long, her current relationship doesn't appear to be what she's wanting, and she is a witness in a domestic violence case of the boyfriend's mother, along with now having a criminal record herself for animal neglect, and her boyfriend for a DUI causing serious injury. I am currently on a waitlist for NEABPD Family Connections' 12- week course, read about BPD voraciously, and am learning to set boundaries and take care of my emotional self along with my husband and son. We definitely "walk on eggshells" and look forward to learning how to communicate better with our daughter (we have unfortunately been judgmental and invalidating of her in the past). While I wait for the class (approx. 6 mos.), I find myself in need of knowing how to handle my daughter's occasional text requests to call me, because she really "needs to talk to me".  I always respond with "of course you can call me this week" (or whatever time frame she requests). She never calls, however. The request just gets repeated a couple of months later. I honestly do not understand why my daughter keeps doing this, nor how to handle it, and would be so very appreciative of any thoughts or advice any one here might be willing to share. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and honestly, I could have written every word myself about my 26 year old BPD/bi polar daughter.

First, let's start with why your daughter messages you asking to talk.  With BPD, there's always a crisis just around the corner- and it can be literally anything since BPD's surround themselves with drama and dramatic people.  They choose friends like that because it makes them feel more normal, yet at the same time they are constantly throwing each other off-keel trying to save one another. 

When your daughter reaches out, she's likely dysregulated due to the crisis of the day and genuinely wants to talk to you.  Five minutes later though, the moment has passed and she forgets that she's ever reached out.  Or maybe she second guesses it, expecting unfair judgement or scorn.  So when she reaches out and wants a time to talk....the time is right now.  Be there for her in the moment.

I stopped walking on eggshells maybe seven years ago, things got a whole lot worse, and my kid moved out.  She was homeless for a while after burning bridges with friends and family.  Then she ended up in a halfway house for a few months, then a series of abusive relationships.  But we had to let her live her own life and make her own mistakes. 

And eventually, she hit rock bottom and decided to take her mental illness seriously.  Through counseling, she was a different person within about 6 months.  We're pretty close as well and talk regularly...but she had to want to get better and do the hard work for herself. 

I hope that helps!  Please take a look at the tools section (above) for communication techniques- they're valuable and they work.