Discarded. I want to do whatever is in my hands to have her back Pt. 1

[hex_dzh]

I completely agree.  In my case, my ex would reach out seemingly out of nowhere, and ask the most nonsensible things- like if I remembered where we bought her favorite coffee.  We both knew the answer.  Then we'd chit-chat for a few minutes like everything was normal, and my ex would suddenly have to run.

In essence, she was seeing if the ice had thawed...or maybe she just wanted to hear my voice.  Who knows.  But there were many opportunities to resume conversations.

Waiting it out with radio silence is the best course of action for two reasons.  #1, it's the path that allows you to heal the most and #2, it doesn't push her away.

This is going to sound complicated, but BPD's like to be chased.  Only, after a discard, they take being chased as a bad thing and it pushes them away.  So any action by you can be seen as a big positive or a big negative...and all of us would be guessing to figure out what her mood will be in that exact moment.  That's why letting her come to you is the safest path here.

In a normal, healthy relationship, we'd give the opposite advice and tell you to make a grand gesture like in the movies.  BPD changes everything though.

I realise that now, but I wish I knew this before I made the mistake of chasing too soon. If only I knew of this forum, things might have been completely different who knows.

I'm very torn. I want to send this letter at the end of the month, just in case she's not as furious at me and there's a chance of a positive outcome happening after I reassure and validate her feelings through it. But all this advice telling me to give it more time, to wait is making me think otherwise. But then again, it's a very special date coming up and it may thaw the ice enough and then it's possible that me not reaching out at that point could only solidify her feelings. I really don't know what to do.

Perfect scenario would be for her to reach out first, before the anniversary. But I'm not even gonna hold that thought in my head, I feel like it's completely impossible.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hex_dzh]

So I was thinking about how to time the letter, if I fully decide to send it. I came up with the following pros and cons for each timing. I may be missing stuff so feel free to add to this.

A week (max) before the anniversary:

+ Prepares her emotionally for the upcoming date instead of blindsiding her on the exact day.
+ Gives her time to process my words without the pressure of the anniversary itself.
+ If she’s already starting to think about me because of the anniversary and feeling shame or guilt or any other bad feeling, this could soften those feelings before the date arrives.

- She might push the feelings aside before the anniversary actually hits, reducing the impact of the letter.
- If she’s still in a strong avoidance phase and the upcoming anniversary triggers more bad feelings, she may ignore it completely without reading it.
- Me trying to contact her (chasing) could also ruin the potential positive emotional impact of the anniversary.

Exactly on the anniversary:

+ The emotional impact is at its peak—this is when she’ll feel the weight of the date the most. She could very well be expecting something from me on that date to show her that I still care and want her back.
+ Forces her to confront her feelings about the breakup at a moment when she’s likely already reflecting.
+ Higher chance of nostalgia kicking in, making my words feel more significant.

- If she’s feeling very guilty, she might react defensively instead of openly.
- Could be overwhelming and infuriating if she’s actively trying to avoid thinking about me.
- If she expects contact from me on this date and is mentally preparing to reject it, it could make it easier to dismiss the letter completely and not read it.

A few days after the anniversary:

+ If she felt emotional on the anniversary, she might be starting to miss me but be hesitant to reach out (the guilt and shame can play a role here, as I said I can easily imagine her use me as punishment towards herself). This would also feel more natural.
+ Since the date of our anniversary would have passed by now, she won’t expect it, making it more likely that she reads it with an open mind.
+ If she felt disappointed that I didn’t reach out or try anything on the anniversary, this could be a relief.
+ Lessens the risk of immediate defensiveness, since she could have already processed some of her emotions.

- The emotional peak might have passed, meaning she could be moving on from the intensity of that day. But if the letter doesn't arrive too late, the emotional peak could still be there.
- If she took my silence on the anniversary as a “sign” to move forward, this could disrupt that and backfire.
- It could also look as if I was waiting for her to do something first and only decided to send her the letter because she didn't. She may think that it's just half hearted and haphazard.

So far this is the only pros and cons I can think of. Sending it just after the anniversary might be a better idea, even though it could still backfire. At the very least, it would feel less emotionally manipulative. 

[Pook075]

Hi Pook075, thanks for your perspective. How long after the “final” discard did your ex wait to circle back, and what were some of the longest periods of radio silence where you had to wait? And were things so acrimonious that you were ever blocked after the breakup?

It was usually 2-4 weeks after I stopped trying to reach out.  She'd either call and ask something completely random, or she'd show up in need of something random from the house.  This happened dozens of times.

I was never blocked on text, but she told me that if I didn't stop texting her, she'd get a new phone number.  So I stopped and only texted for things financial or our kids.  Even then, I'd space it out as much as possible.

My ex did come back twice, once at around 7 weeks and again around 12 weeks.  Both times she left after a few days since she almost instantly became dysregulated.  Both times, things were good when she left for work, and when she returned she was ready to leave again.  I didn't realize though that she was pursuing her boss at work...it had nothing to do with me.

[Pook075]

Perfect scenario would be for her to reach out first, before the anniversary. But I'm not even gonna hold that thought in my head, I feel like it's completely impossible.

You must realize that you're trying to second guess disordered thinking.  Her opinion of you might change 10x per day, depending on her mood and where her focus is at.  She's not going through the same process as you looking at everything objectively and arriving at logical conclusions.  Instead, her thoughts are bouncing around and making incorrect assumptions, which lead her spiraling in many different directions.

Part of her loves you, and part blames you for everything.  Part of her realizes that she's broken and she hates feeling that way, and the most hurt she's been recently was the breakup.  So anything that reminds her of going through that is avoided...which means you.  Seeing you, talking to you, reminds her of how much she failed and how she felt.

Is that fair?  Nope.  Not one bit.  That brings us back to the three points though; she's sick, this is not your fault, and she's the only one that can choose a different path.

If you have to send the letter, then don't second-guess yourself.  Don't mention the anniversary.  For you, it's good memories.  For her, it could be 100% about what she lost...the good memory is now painful.  We can't second-guess how it will be perceived so it's  better to avoid it.

Three points you need to get across:

1) I'm sorry for everything, I never meant to hurt you.
2) I forgive you. I now understand that you were hurting and did your best.
3) I miss talking to you and hope we can someday be friends again.

It will be tempting to say, "Remember that day when we went to..."  Be ultra careful since those good memories might not be good anymore.  It's possible they've been re-written.  It is so much better to let her remember those moments on her own.

It will be tempting to try to explain things; "When we argued about x, I just meant that I really wanted to..."  This is helping her remember the worst parts of the relationship and will likely push her away.  It's counter-productive and a HUGE no-no.

It will be tempting to say you want to get back together, or at least set a time to talk or go on a date.  That's going to put a lot of pressure on her though and it will likely backfire.  Relationships start with friendships.  Friendships start with trust.  Trust starts with basic conversations.  The goal here is not to hit a homerun...it's to bat a single and have a very basic, no-pressure conversation. 

Once these conversations happen in a no-pressure, no-expectations kind of way, things can progress quickly.  But she has to set the pace and feel comfortable every step of the way.

Finally, it might be tempting to bring up a few things about your life today.  That's acceptable, you can talk about you and what's going on.  That makes her feel included- I got back in the gym, mom finally got a new car, my sister went to college, whatever.  This isn't relationship stuff though, this is friendship stuff.

I hope that helps!

[hex_dzh]

You must realize that you're trying to second guess disordered thinking.  Her opinion of you might change 10x per day, depending on her mood and where her focus is at.  She's not going through the same process as you looking at everything objectively and arriving at logical conclusions.  Instead, her thoughts are bouncing around and making incorrect assumptions, which lead her spiraling in many different directions.

Part of her loves you, and part blames you for everything.  Part of her realizes that she's broken and she hates feeling that way, and the most hurt she's been recently was the breakup.  So anything that reminds her of going through that is avoided...which means you.  Seeing you, talking to you, reminds her of how much she failed and how she felt.

Is that fair?  Nope.  Not one bit.  That brings us back to the three points though; she's sick, this is not your fault, and she's the only one that can choose a different path.

It's really difficult to digest this. It just feels so set in stone, as if there's not even a single chance that she'll soften up a bit about me. I think the more time passes, the less hope I have, because with each day it's another record broken of us being apart for so long. As I said before, the longest was just a few hours. Never a full day without some kind of contact. It's really starting to affect my thinking unfortunately. I keep reading other people's experiences with BPD partners breaking up with them, and that only worsens it. It feels futile to hope even for some basic communication with her again. I literally can't imagine her opinion changing on me.

If you have to send the letter, then don't second-guess yourself.  Don't mention the anniversary.  For you, it's good memories.  For her, it could be 100% about what she lost...the good memory is now painful.  We can't second-guess how it will be perceived so it's  better to avoid it.

Three points you need to get across:

1) I'm sorry for everything, I never meant to hurt you.
2) I forgive you. I now understand that you were hurting and did your best.
3) I miss talking to you and hope we can someday be friends again.

It will be tempting to say, "Remember that day when we went to..."  Be ultra careful since those good memories might not be good anymore.  It's possible they've been re-written.  It is so much better to let her remember those moments on her own.

It will be tempting to try to explain things; "When we argued about x, I just meant that I really wanted to..."  This is helping her remember the worst parts of the relationship and will likely push her away.  It's counter-productive and a HUGE no-no.

It will be tempting to say you want to get back together, or at least set a time to talk or go on a date.  That's going to put a lot of pressure on her though and it will likely backfire.  Relationships start with friendships.  Friendships start with trust.  Trust starts with basic conversations.  The goal here is not to hit a homerun...it's to bat a single and have a very basic, no-pressure conversation. 

Once these conversations happen in a no-pressure, no-expectations kind of way, things can progress quickly.  But she has to set the pace and feel comfortable every step of the way.

Finally, it might be tempting to bring up a few things about your life today.  That's acceptable, you can talk about you and what's going on.  That makes her feel included- I got back in the gym, mom finally got a new car, my sister went to college, whatever.  This isn't relationship stuff though, this is friendship stuff.

I hope that helps!

I have started carefully writing 2 version of it. I feel like I have to do something before too much time passes and it's difficult to stifle this feeling. I'm trying my best to absorb the advice I've been given here and not just send a letter because my brain is screaming at me to do it. Thank you again. Also, apologies that this thread got so big - I keep replying and seeking advice, because I feel so inexperienced and unsure.

[hex_dzh]

I've written the firs draft of the letter. It's longer than I expected, but I tried my best to strike a balance between it being too heavy and too neutral. I probably failed at that though. I would really appreciate your opinions on how I can improve it! Also, keep in mind I first wrote it in my native language of bulgarian then translated it into english with deepl - fixing some errors afterwards. Some things may sound weird. Here it is:

Dear ____,
I hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good health, physically and mentally. I have never sent letters, it is my first time and I don't even know if you will receive it. Apologies if my handwriting is very ugly. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I really wanted to send you this letter to say a few things which because of my extreme emotions I couldn't express properly before.

I really hope you are well and taking care of yourself. You know how extremely important your health and well being is to me. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace. I am sincerely sorry for anything I have done to offend, hurt or threaten you in any way. That was never my intention. I know I made mistakes for which I am extremely sorry. I know we both faced struggles, and I regret not understanding yours better. I don't know what your thoughts are right now, but I don't want you to blame yourself in any way. I understand that you've been hurting too and you've been under a lot of stress that I didn't know about. I know you did your best. If it matters even a little, I forgive you. I don't want you to torture yourself mentally over this.

Ever since I got home from [city], I've been trying to get on with my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. It still feels weird working out again but I'm getting used to it. I also continued my driving lessons. I plan to finish them as soon as possible before I start uni again and buy a car with help from my parents.

When things are tough, the plushie hello kitty toy you gave me last summer helps. It brings me peace of mind when I need it. Thank you for gifting it to me. You jokingly made me promise to take good care of it and I intend to keep that promise. Someday, I will also have the strength to look at the other items like our journal, the seashells you gave me, etc but it will take time. All these things hold a very special place in my heart. I'm trying to get therapy soon too, but it's hard even here in Germany.

I miss you ____. I miss talking to you, I miss your presence. All our memories, special moments, promises and words are constantly wandering around in my mind. I hope one day we can talk again. That would make me truly happy.

With warmth and care
always yours,
_____

I tried to focus on the important bits everyone advised me to and I brought up a few special items. I tried to keep the nostalgia and love stuff to a minimum though. Hope it's not too terrible.

[hex_dzh]

And now, a shorter and more neutral version:

Dear ____,
I hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good health, physically and mentally. I have never sent letters, it is my first time and I don't even know if you will receive it. Apologies if my handwriting is very ugly. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I really wanted to send you this letter to say a few things which because of my extreme emotions I couldn't express properly before.

I really hope you are well and taking care of yourself. You know how extremely important your health and well being is to me. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace. I am sincerely sorry for anything I have done to offend, hurt or threaten you in any way. That was never my intention. I know I made mistakes for which I am extremely sorry. I know we both faced struggles, and I regret not understanding yours better. I know you did your best.
 
Ever since I got home from [city], I've been trying to get on with my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. It still feels weird working out again but I'm getting used to it. I also continued my driving lessons. I plan to finish them as soon as possible before I start uni again and buy a car with help from my parents. I'm trying to get therapy soon too, but it's hard even here in Germany.

I miss you ____. I miss talking to you, I miss your presence. If you ever want to talk - I'll be here. That would make me truly happy.

With warmth and care,
_____

For this one I completely removed any mentions of her feeling guilt or forgiving her, which could potentially be triggers. I cut out any nostalgic or romantic triggers as well.

[Pook075]

It's really difficult to digest this. It just feels so set in stone, as if there's not even a single chance that she'll soften up a bit about me. I think the more time passes, the less hope I have, because with each day it's another record broken of us being apart for so long. As I said before, the longest was just a few hours. Never a full day without some kind of contact. It's really starting to affect my thinking unfortunately. I keep reading other people's experiences with BPD partners breaking up with them, and that only worsens it. It feels futile to hope even for some basic communication with her again. I literally can't imagine her opinion changing on me.

Again, you're thinking about this logically, she's thinking about this emotionally.  Your logic remains fairly sound and unwavering...the parts you struggle with is what to do with all of it (and there aren't any clear answers).  Her emotional thinking tells her to reach out to you, to stay far away from you, she loves you, she hates you, etc.  This happens in minutes, hours, etc...it's like a song playlist on loop in her mind.  And she's probably doing everything she can to stop thinking about it all the time; that's why I've said that this ultimately is not about you.


For me, I did find myself regressing at times shortly after my break-up when I'd share my story and see how closely it resembled others here.  And even today, almost three years later, some stories here will "hurt me" a bit because they ring so true.  Yours was one of them and that pain is real.  It's so unfair...but that's not where you have to remain.

Back at the beginning of all of this, some folks here gave you advice to move on, to find yourself again and get back to old (or new) activities that make you feel more you.  She's not in your life so you have no choice but to move on.  If you reconcile, then great, but that's not the actual goal here...the real goal is for you to process this grief and heal from it.  That way you're in a better place regardless and ready for love again.  We all want that for you because we remember how badly we wanted it for ourselves.  And most of us got there in time.

I have started carefully writing 2 version of it. I feel like I have to do something before too much time passes and it's difficult to stifle this feeling. I'm trying my best to absorb the advice I've been given here and not just send a letter because my brain is screaming at me to do it. Thank you again. Also, apologies that this thread got so big - I keep replying and seeking advice, because I feel so inexperienced and unsure.

Don't apologize and keep in mind that long threads are a good thing, they're what people will find here years from now looking for nuggets to get through their own relationship struggles.  So keep asking the hard questions- or just vent on a bad day.  It's perfectly normal and your journey will help others someday.  That's why myself and many others still post here, we're paying it forward because we've been there and know what it feels like.

I'll check out your letter now and give you as much feedback as I can.

[Pook075]

And now, a shorter and more neutral version:

Dear ____,

It's a good letter and does well to avoid any triggers.  The very last line, "that would make me happy" might be a little much...but I think it's probably okay.

The writer in me doesn't like that you said "extreme" in the last sentence of the first paragraph and "extremely" in the first sentence of the second paragraph.  Change one of those words so it doesn't feel too dramatic back to back.  In fact, you might want to change that first sentence in the 2nd paragraph anyway.  You start it with "You know...."  She doesn't know for a fact though since she's struggling.  It would be better to make that sentence less intense by saying, "I still genuinely care about your health and wellbeing."

That's all that jumped out.  Good job! 

[seekingtheway]

Without giving an opinion on whether you should send a letter or not, I think being as neutral as possible would be best. If I received a letter with any type of emotion in it after a difficult break-up and a long time of distance, it would feel like pressure to me, and that would be even more so for someone with BPD. See below as a suggestion of how you could refine to make even more neutral but still getting your message across.

Dear ____,
I hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good health. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I wanted to send you this letter to say a few things which I wasn't able to express properly before.

I really hope you have been well and taking care of yourself. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace. I am so sorry for anything I have done to offend, hurt or threaten you in any way. That was never my intention. I know I made mistakes and I am sorry that you were hurt as a result of those mistakes. I know we both faced struggles, but I regret not understanding yours better. I know you did your best.
 
Ever since I got home from [city], I've been trying to get on with my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. It still feels weird working out again but I'm getting used to it. I also continued my driving lessons. I plan to finish them as soon as possible before I start uni again and buy a car with help from my parents.

I miss you ____. If you ever want to talk - I would like that.

With warmth and care,

[once removed]

-----cross posted with seekingtheway

nice touch.

with the tone you used, it doesnt feel too long. it reads a little like a letter from a pen pal, but at the same time, you can feel how personal, it is, and the affection behind it. a very good balance between the appropriate distance and understated intimacy. it may not say every last word you want to say, but it says it all, and it says it the way i think you want to say it.

she has probably been wondering what youve been up to herself. dropping it in there the way you did, without telling her too much detail is a nice touch. "i think of you often and wonder how you are" is a nice line - simple, sweet, and it isnt heavy language. youd say the same words to a friend, but she knows what it means. succinct and touching. confident, yet understated.

i agree with Pook about those two particular choices of words. i know this is a translation, but "extreme emotions" is heavy language, and isnt necessary to the letter. in general, keep your feelings and your process close to your vest; at the very least, it allows for some mystery. "that would make me truly happy" is cute and id be tempted to leave it for that reason, but it could feel obligatory, and also isnt necessary. maybe, if anything, something simple like "id love to hear from you". i get that you may not want to just end it with "ill be here".

id shorten that last line a bit too, to keep the point, but dial back some heaviness.

I miss you ____. I miss talking to you, I miss your presence. If you ever want to talk - I'll be here. That would make me truly happy.

heres are some edits id propose:

Dear ____,
I hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good health, physically and mentally. I have never sent letters, it is my first time and I don't even know if you will receive it. Apologies if my handwriting is very ugly. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I really wanted to send you this letter to say a few things which because of my extreme emotions I couldn't express properly before.

I really hope you are well and taking care of yourself. You know how extremely important your health and well being is to me. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace. I am sincerely sorry for anything I have done to offend, hurt or threaten you in any way. That was never my intention. I know I made mistakes for which I am extremely sorry. I know we both faced struggles, and I regret not understanding yours better. I know you did your best.

^i didnt mean to scratch the whole thing out, but i would work more on some of the wording in that paragraph. some of it could sound patronizing. apologies are appropriate if you have something specific in mind you want to apologize for. otherwise, there isnt much point, and throws off the tone of your letter a bit.
 
Ever since I got home from [city], I've been trying to get on with my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. It still feels weird working out again but I'm getting used to it. I also continued my driving lessons. I plan to finish them as soon as possible before I start uni again and buy a car with help from my parents. I'm trying to get therapy soon too, but it's hard even here in Germany.

I miss you ____. I miss talking to you, I miss your presence. If you ever want to talk - I'll be here. That would make me truly happy. I would love to hear from you (or something like that). edited to add: seekingtheway had the better wording on this for sure. go with that!

With warmth and care,
_____

that second paragraph, where i scratched most of it out? maybe talk about her and what shes up to. you hope the dog or cat (or parent, or family member; whatever) is okay, you were thinking of the funny time they did ______ and it made you think of whatever theyre up to now, if rover ever learned to roll over. that sort of thing.

[hex_dzh]

Thank you all for your suggestions, I really appreciate how much help I'm being given here. I used @once removed's version and some parts of @seekingtheway's text. Also changed some wording according to what @Pook075 suggested and this is what it looks like now:

Dear ____,
This is my first time ever writing a letter, and I don’t even know if you’ll receive it. But I hope that if you do, it finds you well—both physically and emotionally. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are.

I really hope you're okay and taking care of yourself. I still genuinely care about your health and wellbeing. I often keep thinking about what you're up to, how your days are going, what you do on the weekends, things like that. I wonder if you managed to get a cat, like you always wanted to and was so close to convincing your parents. I myself plan to get one this summer when I'm back in [home country]. Recently I came across [song she liked] from [her favourite band] and it reminded me of how you used to [a few sentences of some things I'd like to keep private]. I hope you keep doing the things you liked to do. I even noticed that you had new nails. I only wish I could have gotten a better look at them, but I'm sure they looked pretty. I hope life is treating you kindly and that uni is going well. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace.
 
Ever since I got home from [city], I've been working on myself and my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. Getting back into training feels different, but I’m starting to enjoy it again. I also continued my driving lessons and hope to finish them soon before university starts again. If everything goes well, I’ll be getting a car with some help from my parents. I'm trying to get therapy soon too, but it's difficult even here in Germany.

I miss you so much ____. If you ever want to talk - it would truly make me happy.

With warmth and care,
_____

The only things I'm unsure about are bringing some memories/past stuff up in the 2nd paragraph. I did my best to not pick anything that could potentially trigger her. The ending I decided to keep a bit warmer/heavier. If she reads it and it thaws the ice a bit, I want her to be confident that I'd be happy to be back in contact with her. I don't want her to be hesitant.

I'm also unsure about totally removing any apologies on my part. I think she puts a lot of blame on me, so validating those feelings is important I think. I just don't know how exactly to do it. You were right that not being able to address things properly to apologise make the apologies seem insincere and/or patronising, but it's difficult to do it, because I've basically been blamed for absolutely everything.

My heart and mind are still screaming at me to include heavier stuff, to delve into past special moments, but I know it's for the best to keep it more neutral and friendly. Translating it back into my own language will be a bit difficult, but I'll manage. This isn't the final version ofc, I'd still appreciate any more suggestions. Thank you all again.

[hex_dzh]

Again, you're thinking about this logically, she's thinking about this emotionally.  Your logic remains fairly sound and unwavering...the parts you struggle with is what to do with all of it (and there aren't any clear answers).  Her emotional thinking tells her to reach out to you, to stay far away from you, she loves you, she hates you, etc.  This happens in minutes, hours, etc...it's like a song playlist on loop in her mind.  And she's probably doing everything she can to stop thinking about it all the time; that's why I've said that this ultimately is not about you.

It's difficult to imagine her feeling anything besides coldness and hatred towards me, but you're right. It's just my mind getting in the way again.

For me, I did find myself regressing at times shortly after my break-up when I'd share my story and see how closely it resembled others here.  And even today, almost three years later, some stories here will "hurt me" a bit because they ring so true.  Yours was one of them and that pain is real.  It's so unfair...but that's not where you have to remain.

Back at the beginning of all of this, some folks here gave you advice to move on, to find yourself again and get back to old (or new) activities that make you feel more you.  She's not in your life so you have no choice but to move on.  If you reconcile, then great, but that's not the actual goal here...the real goal is for you to process this grief and heal from it.  That way you're in a better place regardless and ready for love again.  We all want that for you because we remember how badly we wanted it for ourselves.  And most of us got there in time.

Don't apologize and keep in mind that long threads are a good thing, they're what people will find here years from now looking for nuggets to get through their own relationship struggles.  So keep asking the hard questions- or just vent on a bad day.  It's perfectly normal and your journey will help others someday.  That's why myself and many others still post here, we're paying it forward because we've been there and know what it feels like.

I'll check out your letter now and give you as much feedback as I can.

Honestly I feel like I'm regressing with each day. I'm trying to push on, do the things I have to. But I'm constantly being reminded of her by even the smallest things. For example, today was sunny? Then my mind recalls how every time when the weather was nice, I'd pick up my photography gear to go on a photo walk and we'd talk on the phone for the whole time. I'd be showing her what I'm photographing, the scenery around me etc. Every day is riddled with such moments. It's like the pain hasn't subsided at all.

I know that any other "normal person" in my place would grieve the relationship and work on moving on, seeing people again etc. Hell, they might even be angry and hold a grudge due to the level of disrespect (unintentionally) shown to them and the relationship. But the codependency and the incredibly strong, intimate bond we formed is stopping me from even thinking about such things. I'm not gonna lie to myself or the people in this forum, my mind is still in "do everything in your power to get her back at some point" mode.

I guess with time it will change, if this truly is the end of our relationship. "Unfair" describes it very well. We had built something amazing that worked so well, for so long. It held strong when things outside of our control were really pressuring us. Despite the struggles sometimes, I was so proud of our relationship. Tragic that this is how it could end. Not even on speaking terms, just a cold discard and hatred towards me. Just recently I would not be able to even imagine such a thing happening.

Thank you for the kind words again. I can only hope that one day this thread helps someone else in my shoes. I keep repeating it, but yall have been so helpful I really appreciate it.

[once removed]

The only things I'm unsure about are bringing some memories/past stuff up in the 2nd paragraph. I did my best to not pick anything that could potentially trigger her.

i would work some more at that paragraph. the line about wondering what shes up to loses its touch with the added words - instead of sounding like "i think of you", it sounds heavier - like "i am constantly thinking about you".

adding "i still genuinely care about your well being" sounds patronizing. the whole letter already communicates that. the word "genuinely", if you have to say it, calls it all into question.

talking about her pretty nails might be off putting in this context.

these things all turn what is a warm, but appropriately distant letter with some mystery, into a romantic letter and bid to get her back. they are pressure.

I want her to be confident that I'd be happy to be back in contact with her.

you dont think shed get that idea from a letter that goes out of the way to communicate with her, and says that you would like to hear from her?

"that would make me truly happy" sounds obligatory - "please contact me, it would make me happy". its the sort of pressure you want to avoid. "i would like that" is neutral and professional sounding, and still gets the point across. subtlety is your friend here.

I'm also unsure about totally removing any apologies on my part. I think she puts a lot of blame on me, so validating those feelings is important I think. I just don't know how exactly to do it. You were right that not being able to address things properly to apologise make the apologies seem insincere and/or patronising, but it's difficult to do it, because I've basically been blamed for absolutely everything.

the problem is, in this case, apologies, unless done right, step on the message youre trying to send.

apologies should be specific, or not at all.

and they are really two different kinds of letters: an apology letter (where that would be the primary focus, and much more specific) vs a warm reach out. throwing in apologies into a warm reach out clogs up that warmth with bad memories. its also risky territory if you dont get them "right".

trying to make the letter both things is essentially trying to say too much at once. apologies would be far more effective after she (hopefully) responds positively to your warm letter. theyre a good next step.

also, if youre not clear on what you specifically want to apologize for, its a good sign to set it aside.

Honestly I feel like I'm regressing with each day. I'm trying to push on, do the things I have to. But I'm constantly being reminded of her by even the smallest things. For example, today was sunny? Then my mind recalls how every time when the weather was nice, I'd pick up my photography gear to go on a photo walk and we'd talk on the phone for the whole time. I'd be showing her what I'm photographing, the scenery around me etc. Every day is riddled with such moments. It's like the pain hasn't subsided at all.

you are in the very difficult position of grieving the relationship and your memories, while still maintaining hope. it is very hard, emotionally, to do both. it is a place very similar to what i was in when i came here. everything i did, ostensibly for myself, felt like it all revolved around her and the prospect of her coming back. i tried to keep my head down and keep chugging along, but its hard to do that when you feel a profound absence all the time. and its hard to be hopeful when youve emotionally had your ass kicked and your confidence is in tatters. all you want is for the pain to go away, and it makes all those things feel empty and ineffective, which drains hope. its a very challenging path.

if you were to give up hope, and determine to move on (im not telling you to do that), it would get even worse, but then it would begin to get better. or, if she came back tomorrow, youd feel better. in this position, youre oscillating from hope to hopelessness, because youre coming to terms with the end of the relationship, even while trying to reconcile it. and youre grieving the memories. its just an incredibly challenging thing to do. and to that i would say two things.

1. dont fear the grief, lean into it. it is good to consider the old relationship dead, to mourn it, and to grieve it. it psychologically puts you in a different place, one more prepared for a future iteration of the relationship.

2. from where we are sitting, 30000 ft up, nothing has significantly changed. time is not your enemy, it creates the space for the ice to thaw. while to you, it might feel like everything is slipping away (which, in part, is grief), things are taking their natural course. shes either going to be open to contact, or not. youre either going to get back together, or not. it may feel like 5 eternities, but its been a small amount of time, and your chances, whatever they are, have not lessened.

[hex_dzh]

i would work some more at that paragraph. the line about wondering what shes up to loses its touch with the added words - instead of sounding like "i think of you", it sounds heavier - like "i am constantly thinking about you".

adding "i still genuinely care about your well being" sounds patronizing. the whole letter already communicates that. the word "genuinely", if you have to say it, calls it all into question.

talking about her pretty nails might be off putting in this context.

these things all turn what is a warm, but appropriately distant letter with some mystery, into a romantic letter and bid to get her back. they are pressure.

you dont think shed get that idea from a letter that goes out of the way to communicate with her, and says that you would like to hear from her?

"that would make me truly happy" sounds obligatory - "please contact me, it would make me happy". its the sort of pressure you want to avoid. "i would like that" is neutral and professional sounding, and still gets the point across. subtlety is your friend here.

the problem is, in this case, apologies, unless done right, step on the message youre trying to send.

apologies should be specific, or not at all.

and they are really two different kinds of letters: an apology letter (where that would be the primary focus, and much more specific) vs a warm reach out. throwing in apologies into a warm reach out clogs up that warmth with bad memories. its also risky territory if you dont get them "right".

trying to make the letter both things is essentially trying to say too much at once. apologies would be far more effective after she (hopefully) responds positively to your warm letter. theyre a good next step.

also, if youre not clear on what you specifically want to apologize for, its a good sign to set it aside.

I'll address the 2nd part of your reply in a 2nd post.

Yes, this makes sense. I shouldn't try to do everything in one go. I edited the letter according to your suggestions and here it is now:

Dear ____,
This is my first time ever writing a letter, and I don’t even know if you’ll receive it. But I hope that if you do, it finds you well—both physically and emotionally.

I really hope you're okay and taking care of yourself. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I wonder if you managed to get a cat, like you always wanted to and was so close to convincing your parents. I myself plan to get one this summer when I'm back in [home country]. Recently I came across [song she liked] from [her favourite band] and it reminded me of how you used to [a few sentences of some things I'd like to keep private]. I hope you keep doing the things you liked to do and find joy in them. I hope life is treating you kindly and that uni is going well. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace.
 
Ever since I got home from [city], I've been working on myself and my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. Getting back into training feels different, but I’m starting to enjoy it again. I also continued my driving lessons and hope to finish them soon before university starts again. If everything goes well, I’ll be getting a car with some help from my parents. I'm trying to get therapy soon too, but it's difficult even here in Germany.

I miss you so much ____. If you ever want to talk or reach out, I'd be happy to hear from you.

With warmth and care,
_____

Does the ending still feel to pressuring? I could alternatively choose "If you ever want to talk, I'm always here" or "If you ever feel like reaching out, I'd be glad to hear from you". Also, I'm not sure if bringing up that I'll be seeking therapy is a good idea. Could it trigger some guilt? "Oh no this is what I did to him". I think I should remove that part.

I'm still wondering when to time the letter, to have the least amount of risk. I'm leaning on just slightly after the anniversary - not more than a day or two though we live 2.5k km apart so I can't predict exactly when the letter will reach her.

[hex_dzh]

you are in the very difficult position of grieving the relationship and your memories, while still maintaining hope. it is very hard, emotionally, to do both. it is a place very similar to what i was in when i came here. everything i did, ostensibly for myself, felt like it all revolved around her and the prospect of her coming back. i tried to keep my head down and keep chugging along, but its hard to do that when you feel a profound absence all the time. and its hard to be hopeful when youve emotionally had your ass kicked and your confidence is in tatters. all you want is for the pain to go away, and it makes all those things feel empty and ineffective, which drains hope. its a very challenging path.

if you were to give up hope, and determine to move on (im not telling you to do that), it would get even worse, but then it would begin to get better. or, if she came back tomorrow, youd feel better. in this position, youre oscillating from hope to hopelessness, because youre coming to terms with the end of the relationship, even while trying to reconcile it. and youre grieving the memories. its just an incredibly challenging thing to do. and to that i would say two things.

1. dont fear the grief, lean into it. it is good to consider the old relationship dead, to mourn it, and to grieve it. it psychologically puts you in a different place, one more prepared for a future iteration of the relationship.

2. from where we are sitting, 30000 ft up, nothing has significantly changed. time is not your enemy, it creates the space for the ice to thaw. while to you, it might feel like everything is slipping away (which, in part, is grief), things are taking their natural course. shes either going to be open to contact, or not. youre either going to get back together, or not. it may feel like 5 eternities, but its been a small amount of time, and your chances, whatever they are, have not lessened.

Yes, all of my thoughts revolve around some kind of reconciling and getting back together with her at some point in the not too distant future. The little hope I have in me is still strong. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it is what it is. I'd like to think I'm not completely delusional. If after this letter she doesn't get back into contact with me in a few weeks or a month, I think the last hope in me will die off and I will work hard on moving on. It's a very depressing thought, but at that point there would be nothing else for me to do. I'm hoping that at the very least, I won't have any regrets. I won't be wondering "what if I did XYZ to get her back? what if I didn't fight hard enough?" - I will know that I did all I could. Even now I'm confident that I gave my all for this relationship and to keep supporting and helping her (unfortunately, sometimes to my detriment).

I'm not avoiding my emotions and grief. It's just exhausting to feel like this all the time. I don't want to be too dramatic, but the more time passes - the more empty, depressed and devoid of any joy and happiness I feel. It's difficult to describe the impact this has had on me. So many things are affected, even things like eating certain foods remind me of her. Hobbies I liked to do, music I listened to, movies I was planning on watching. There's no escape from these thoughts, there's no momentary reprieve. I wish I could at least get some peace when sleeping, but even that is rare. Distant friends even are starting to notice that something isn't ok, even though I haven't told anyone besides my closest friends and I think I'm doing an ok job masking it. My mind is so preoccupied with her, our relationship and the break up. And it keeps flip flopping between being hopeful and hopeless. It doesn't help that I still can't convince myself that her opinions and actions aren't completely set in stone. Even though I know all these facts about BPD, it feels like this is how she will be forever. There's even an example of her discarding her ex-best friend and then missing this person a lot, after years passed.

I'll keep going, I don't want to sound suicidal or anything. I'm taking care of myself as best as I can. I'm just being honest with myself and yall. It definitely helps to know that I'm not alone and that so many here genuinely understand what I'm going through and have even been through it before.

[Pook075]

I'll keep going, I don't want to sound suicidal or anything. I'm taking care of myself as best as I can. I'm just being honest with myself and yall. It definitely helps to know that I'm not alone and that so many here genuinely understand what I'm going through and have even been through it before.

I remember going through those same emotions and wondering if there was ever relief in sight.  There absolutely is, but it comes from your actions of moving on.  You can't wait for her since you have no control over that...the only thing left is to move on with your life.

Codependency is incredibly hard to break.  Again, I've been there.  And I hope you do eventually reconcile.  But the longer you pin your emotions on her, the longer you're going to remain in this agony.

Think about it; the last time you talked to her in person, you were overwhelmed.  That's because you're carrying so much internal pressure to be perfect for her, that you're forgetting to be somewhat decent for yourself.  You have to heal first to even be able to see a future relationship objectively; this has to be about you and you alone.

I'm not saying it can't/won't work out...so don't misinterpret this.

I'm saying that your mental health is the most important thing in the world for you.  The sooner you move on, the sooner you'll be able to have a real conversation with her in a balanced way if she ever does reach out.  You can't try to rush back into this half-broken and expect great results...you do know where the divides came from and you did see some of the red flags.  The only way you can reconcile is with eyes wide open.

Again, I understand completely, I really do.  Two months is a long time when you're hurting, but it's a really short time as well.  It will get better if you turn the focus to yourself, I promise.

[once removed]

Does the ending still feel to pressuring?

no. "id be happy to hear from you" is not pressuring. "i would like that", has a certain professionalism and charm to it that appeals to me, but thats mostly nitpicking.

Also, I'm not sure if bringing up that I'll be seeking therapy is a good idea. Could it trigger some guilt? "Oh no this is what I did to him". I think I should remove that part.

i think thats overthinking it. she is not going to think that. and so what if she does?

more likely, she will be intrigued.

psychologically speaking, when people see an ex out and about, and that ex is doing something different...something new...it makes them wonder. i always think of the episode of roseanne, where jackie and fred are getting divorced, and suddenly, fred starts taking up skiing, and jackie has a cow. first she wonders why he couldnt do all this fun stuff during the relationship. then she wants him back. then she makes a big scene and she accuses him of doing it to win her back. its a silly, and exaggerated (not that exaggerated; ive known people to actually behave that way) version of what we are all privy to when we see an ex behaving differently than we were accustomed to; on some level, we play that out in our heads when we see the other person appear to be moving on, and we question whether or not we want them to.

one thing that can be especially attractive to the person who did the breaking up is change. she doesnt want to return to the old relationship. you dont either. change creates mystery and possibility. the mind cannot help but fill in the gaps, and what we imagine tends to be at our own expense. i must have read 50,000 threads here (and other forums) asking "will my ex change and be better with the next person". people fear missing out. needless to say, it is also attractive because the person doing the breaking up would not have done so if they werent desiring a change.   

obviously, if youre blocked, its pretty difficult to display any kind of change, or otherwise attract her. and big, transparent "look how much ive changed" shows tend to backfire.

what you manage to accomplish in that line, is to sprinkle something in that will catch her attention, make her wonder, and signify change. and you do it subtly, and without pretense. in that paragraph, its as though you gave her plenty of information about you, and none at all at the same time. you sound like a guy whos got a lot going on, whos taking care of himself, not a guy sitting around with a broken heart missing her. all of those things are attractive. nothing wrong with being a guy with a broken heart missing her, mind you! it just wouldnt be attractive to show her that.

no, i would very much leave that line in. it dangles there very nicely.

I'm still wondering when to time the letter, to have the least amount of risk. I'm leaning on just slightly after the anniversary - not more than a day or two though we live 2.5k km apart so I can't predict exactly when the letter will reach her.

the only concern id have with the timing is not letting it be tied too closely to the anniversary itself. it will feel like an "anniversary letter". i followed bad advice once my senior year of high school - somebody told me to leave a rose on an exs doorstep with a romantic note. she didnt mention it. when i did, she told me she didnt know what to say, that "its not every day your ex leaves something like that on your porch for valentines day". you dont want her to feel that way when she gets it. 

i favor more like a week after the anniversary, myself. i think thats when it would be psychologically the most effective and well received. at the risk of overthinking it myself, i think it loses some effect if you send it before. generally speaking, on the day of the anniversary, shes either going to think positively or negatively of you, or little to none at all. we dont know what she will feel or how strongly. we can reasonably assume "at least a little of one or the other".

if its badly, or not at all, it gives her time to get that out of her system and have it blow over, and you avoid the heaviness of directly associating the two. if its at all positively, then its like a perfectly timed 1-2 punch.

[hex_dzh]

I remember going through those same emotions and wondering if there was ever relief in sight.  There absolutely is, but it comes from your actions of moving on.  You can't wait for her since you have no control over that...the only thing left is to move on with your life.

Codependency is incredibly hard to break.  Again, I've been there.  And I hope you do eventually reconcile.  But the longer you pin your emotions on her, the longer you're going to remain in this agony.

Think about it; the last time you talked to her in person, you were overwhelmed.  That's because you're carrying so much internal pressure to be perfect for her, that you're forgetting to be somewhat decent for yourself.  You have to heal first to even be able to see a future relationship objectively; this has to be about you and you alone.

I'm not saying it can't/won't work out...so don't misinterpret this.

I'm saying that your mental health is the most important thing in the world for you.  The sooner you move on, the sooner you'll be able to have a real conversation with her in a balanced way if she ever does reach out.  You can't try to rush back into this half-broken and expect great results...you do know where the divides came from and you did see some of the red flags.  The only way you can reconcile is with eyes wide open.

Again, I understand completely, I really do.  Two months is a long time when you're hurting, but it's a really short time as well.  It will get better if you turn the focus to yourself, I promise.

You're right, but as you said codependency is incredibly difficult to break. I'm doing all the right things to move on and focus on myself, but my mind and heart are still hoping to get back together with her. Trying to look from the outside in, two months isn't that long indeed - but I feel like she already got "used to" not having me around and that the more time passes, the more this solidifies her choice. But BPD is volatile so I have to keep reminding myself that I can't predict what she's going through right now or how she feels and what she wants to do.

I won't jump in too fast, IF she decides to get back together and I'll push for professional mental help as hard as I can without overwhelming her. I think if this (hypothetical now) relationship has any chances of surviving in the long term and thriving, professional help is a must. Maybe me seeking it will help convince her to follow through with her old promises. I don't know. There's a long and very difficult way until then, if she even decides to contact me again which I honestly don't think will happen, no matter how much I wish for it.

[hex_dzh]

i think thats overthinking it. she is not going to think that. and so what if she does?

more likely, she will be intrigued.

psychologically speaking, when people see an ex out and about, and that ex is doing something different...something new...it makes them wonder. i always think of the episode of roseanne, where jackie and fred are getting divorced, and suddenly, fred starts taking up skiing, and jackie has a cow. first she wonders why he couldnt do all this fun stuff during the relationship. then she wants him back. then she makes a big scene and she accuses him of doing it to win her back. its a silly, and exaggerated (not that exaggerated; ive known people to actually behave that way) version of what we are all privy to when we see an ex behaving differently than we were accustomed to; on some level, we play that out in our heads when we see the other person appear to be moving on, and we question whether or not we want them to.

one thing that can be especially attractive to the person who did the breaking up is change. she doesnt want to return to the old relationship. you dont either. change creates mystery and possibility. the mind cannot help but fill in the gaps, and what we imagine tends to be at our own expense. i must have read 50,000 threads here (and other forums) asking "will my ex change and be better with the next person". people fear missing out. needless to say, it is also attractive because the person doing the breaking up would not have done so if they werent desiring a change.   

obviously, if youre blocked, its pretty difficult to display any kind of change, or otherwise attract her. and big, transparent "look how much ive changed" shows tend to backfire.

what you manage to accomplish in that line, is to sprinkle something in that will catch her attention, make her wonder, and signify change. and you do it subtly, and without pretense. in that paragraph, its as though you gave her plenty of information about you, and none at all at the same time. you sound like a guy whos got a lot going on, whos taking care of himself, not a guy sitting around with a broken heart missing her. all of those things are attractive. nothing wrong with being a guy with a broken heart missing her, mind you! it just wouldnt be attractive to show her that.

no, i would very much leave that line in. it dangles there very nicely.

Honestly I'm overthinking everything and every word. I really want this letter to be as close to perfect as possible. I don't want to mess it up, because I don't think there will be anything else left to do if this doesn't thaw the ice. I know your advice (and everyone else's to be fair) is to focus on moving on, but in your opinion would there be anything else to do if this letter is ineffective? The long distance and me being blocked everywhere pretty much eliminates the possibility of her seeing me change etc. Unless she stalks my profiles, which are all public anyway and she can do that if she wants to. I just don't think she'd do that. It's very difficult to imagine her feeling anything else besides coldness, uncaring and some kind of hatred towards me.

the only concern id have with the timing is not letting it be tied too closely to the anniversary itself. it will feel like an "anniversary letter". i followed bad advice once my senior year of high school - somebody told me to leave a rose on an exs doorstep with a romantic note. she didnt mention it. when i did, she told me she didnt know what to say, that "its not every day your ex leaves something like that on your porch for valentines day". you dont want her to feel that way when she gets it. 

i favor more like a week after the anniversary, myself. i think thats when it would be psychologically the most effective and well received. at the risk of overthinking it myself, i think it loses some effect if you send it before. generally speaking, on the day of the anniversary, shes either going to think positively or negatively of you, or little to none at all. we dont know what she will feel or how strongly. we can reasonably assume "at least a little of one or the other".

if its badly, or not at all, it gives her time to get that out of her system and have it blow over, and you avoid the heaviness of directly associating the two. if its at all positively, then its like a perfectly timed 1-2 punch.

Due to the distance, I doubt I'd be able to time the letter to arrive just 1 or 2 days after the anniversary. It's more likely that it will reach her a week or two later anyway so that's what I'll do. Hopefully it won't seem like an afterthought or something.

[once removed]

Honestly I'm overthinking everything and every word.

i understand. ive been there. it is a lot easier for us to judge because (as much as we are pulling for you) we arent emotionally involved. thats the benefit of a support group  

I know your advice (and everyone else's to be fair) is to focus on moving on,

to be very clear, my advice is not "move on". this is the Bettering (and Reversing) board. so long as your goals are to reconnect, we will support you in that.

my comments about moving on were two fold:

1. just a simple illustration. if you gave up hope and decided you wanted to move on (a very personal decision only the person in it can make), you would be in a different process than you are today. i was just illustrating how difficult it is to be in the position youre in. its important to understand what all it entails.

2. it is a good idea to mentally let the old relationship die, to mourn it, and to grieve it, and to consider any future iteration of the relationship to be a "new relationship"; one with a very different plan.

in your opinion would there be anything else to do if this letter is ineffective? The long distance and me being blocked everywhere pretty much eliminates the possibility

in order to reconnect, you have to have a willing partner in that.

most of this all depends on her. if a person has moved on, there are no moves that can change that.

she has not responded favorably to previous efforts. it is possible that things have, or will change, and your letter could be a part of that. it is also possible that things will go the other way.

if she doesnt respond favorably, then the best thing you can do is respect that and give up the effort (you can still hold out hope if you choose). you could try another letter, you could send flowers once a week, you could show up at her house, you could recruit mutual friends to pressure her - obviously, all of those options would have disastrous results. if shes determined not to communicate, trying to communicate with her only makes things worse.

since you are blocked, there is already inherent risk in sending her any kind of communication. weighing the risk/reward, it seems worthwhile as a last ditch effort, and i think the way youve gone about it maximizes your chances. it is a last best chance. the rest is up to her.

[Pook075]

2. it is a good idea to mentally let the old relationship die, to mourn it, and to grieve it, and to consider any future iteration of the relationship to be a "new relationship"; one with a very different plan.
 the way youve gone about it maximizes your chances. it is a last best chance. the rest is up to her.

And I meant the exact same thing.  The best chance of a future relationship working is for you to be mentally strong and prepared.  We can't change the past, and focusing on it too much becomes counter-productive.

If there's a big lesson there to learn, then learn it.  But at the same time, you must give yourself some grace and realize that you did the best you possibly could.

If you do get back together, it won't be picking up from where you left off.  It will be something completely new, where you both have more wisdom of what went wrong the last time.  What I meant was to move on from the old relationship since you can't go back.

I hope that helps.

[hex_dzh]

Yeah I didn't mean "move on" as in give up trying, I know it's against the rules of this forum to do that. I really appreciate that I'm being helped here, not just told "forget her, work on yourself, find someone new" like everywhere else.

It's indeed all in her hands now. I've done all I could. Proven that I'm ready to do almost anything, proven that I love her a lot. Proven to myself that I've fought hard for the relationship. And hopefully this letter (if she even reads it) will prove that after all of this, I'm still here for her and ready to reconcile.

I just wish she hadn't completely blocked me everywhere, it's very cruel to be absolutely cut off so instantly. During this time, after receiving so much advice and opinions from so many places including individuals who have BPD themselves - I've realised how cruel she has been towards me and our relationship in general. I don't fully blame her for it or hold a grudge, it's just an observation. I've endured so much and hell I'm still ready to keep going, but it is what it is.

Anyway, I think the letter is pretty much finished like this? I will show it to several people with BPD, just to get their opinion on it as well but I trust yall.

[once removed]

Anyway, I think the letter is pretty much finished like this?

i think so. i think its both good, and as good as it can be.

I don't fully blame her for it or hold a grudge, it's just an observation

a hard part of all this is that an ex is in no position to help us heal.

when a relationship ends, it becomes about us, and for them, it becomes about them. there are no loyalties, no obligations. as a hopeless romantic, i dont like to say it, but it is manifestly true. we are left to pick up the pieces.

are her actions hurtful? absolutely. are they cruel, or are they a person acting according to their own narrative, and in self preservation?

i dont mean to belabor the point or step on your feelings, but i think its an important distinction when it comes to understanding the dynamic here. your labor of love isnt a currency and carries with it no guarantees. having said that, if her actions have caused you to question her character, her values, or her compatibility with you (the way my ex went about it certainly made me question those things)? weigh that before acting.

often times, a persons efforts to reconnect are often more about reversing the sense of rejection - more about making the pain go away than deep down wanting to get back together, or, said another way, it can be hard to tell the difference, because a person might reasonably feel that way regardless - so as a mental exercise, think long term, beyond the pain. you know that if you never speak to her again, the pain you feel now will eventually fade (and ideally, heal). (rhetorical question) knowing that, knowing all that you know, ask yourself if getting back together is truly what you want, why, and whether you have a clear vision of how (or if) things will be different.

[hex_dzh]

a hard part of all this is that an ex is in no position to help us heal.

when a relationship ends, it becomes about us, and for them, it becomes about them. there are no loyalties, no obligations. as a hopeless romantic, i dont like to say it, but it is manifestly true. we are left to pick up the pieces.

are her actions hurtful? absolutely. are they cruel, or are they a person acting according to their own narrative, and in self preservation?

i dont mean to belabor the point or step on your feelings, but i think its an important distinction when it comes to understanding the dynamic here. your labor of love isnt a currency and carries with it no guarantees. having said that, if her actions have caused you to question her character, her values, or her compatibility with you (the way my ex went about it certainly made me question those things)? weigh that before acting.

I don't just mean the way she broke up with me and how she acted afterwards but the times leading up it especially. The emotional unavailability, lack of support when a family member of mine passed away and another got very sick, the unwillingness to seek professional mental help when I would have paid for it, the unwillingness in general to work on the 1-2 little problems in the relationship, the withdrawing from me, not spending much time. And while I understand splitting is against her will, it still hurt a lot to hear the words she used during splitting, the push and pull. The things I've endured in the last months leading up to this break up certainly took a toll on my mental health. In hindsight, I guess I should have seen that something bad was coming up. But I chalked it up to the usual BPD stuff and put in the work just like always to ensure nothing fatal happened. The good times interspersed made me think it's nothing out of the ordinary until she hit me with this out of nowhere.

often times, a persons efforts to reconnect are often more about reversing the sense of rejection - more about making the pain go away than deep down wanting to get back together, or, said another way, it can be hard to tell the difference, because a person might reasonably feel that way regardless - so as a mental exercise, think long term, beyond the pain. you know that if you never speak to her again, the pain you feel now will eventually fade (and ideally, heal). (rhetorical question) knowing that, knowing all that you know, ask yourself if getting back together is truly what you want, why, and whether you have a clear vision of how (or if) things will be different.

I can admit that I'm exhausted and the thought of going through this again in the future scares me. I don't want to have to endure so much just to feel loved and appreciated. But I do truly and sincerely love her and I'm up for it as long as a discard like this doesn't happen again. When the BPD symptoms weren't getting in the way, things were truly great. And by "BPD symptoms" I don't just mean the "bad" parts like splitting etc but also the idealization and the "good" parts. When both of these extremes weren't showing up and things were "normal", relaxed and stable. I loved her personality, we fit together so well. We had the same outlooks on life, same wishes for a future life together. The closeness and intimacy. We could understand each other with just a look in each others eyes. I don't exaggerate when I say that our relationship was something like a goal for the couples around us. They always asked us for advice, which is now funny in a sad way in hindsight. She was such a kind person and when BPD didn't get in the way, was ready to put in the work for me, for us. Again, when the BPD wasn't interfering she was supportive of me and pushed me to do things I was hesitant about, but ended up really loving like photography and the hairstyle I now have. I could go on for hours and I still wouldn't be able to fully explain everything I was happy with. Despite the massive struggles sometimes, I genuinely grew and evolved as a person with her help and I thought she did too. And now, I'm alone and have 0 contact with her for the longest time ever. Yeah it's gonna be one of those nights again, feeling especially sad today unfortunately.

I'm thinking about the last question you asked and I think I'm not in the right headspace still to answer it in an unbiased way. Every atom in my being is yearning to be with her again. When I try to imagine my life in 3-5 years from now, when I've healed and ideally found a stable partner to be with - the thought of it just makes me sad. The life and future I want to build is with her. My dreams and wishes, OUR dreams, wishes and plans. I don't want them to just disappear into memory, I want us to succeed and fulfill them.

I don't think I'm fully lost in rose tinted memories, I know and realise the way she hurt me and the damage she caused to my mental health. And I know the idealization and unhealthily obsessive love she gave me also plays a role, as does the codependency and trauma bond we developed. I don't know. Maybe with more time my opinion and answer to this question will change.

[once removed]

you feel unappreciated? like she basically said "thanks for all your help" then kicked you to the curb?

[hex_dzh]

you feel unappreciated? like she basically said "thanks for all your help" then kicked you to the curb?

Hah, not even a thanks before kicking me to the curb. More like "you ruined my life, nothing mattered and you are at fault for everything".

[once removed]

i want you to reread your post, and replace "bpd" with "the way she is".

because though you may not realize this, at the end of the day, thats what youre ultimately saying: "things would have been great, if she just werent the way she is".

The emotional unavailability, lack of support

the unwillingness to seek professional mental help

the unwillingness in general to work on the problems in the relationship

the withdrawing from me

the words she used

forget about bpd for a moment. you have no reason to believe that any of those things about her will change, and, if youre going to go into this with eyes wide open, you shouldnt expect them to. you should factor any and all of it in to any future iteration of the relationship that you imagine, and plan around that. not pin your hopes on her getting professional help, and the bad stuff going away, while all the good stuff remains, and you live happily ever after.

the good things about the relationship, undoubtedly are a significant loss, and a great deal to grieve. but those things werent enough to save the relationship, and they wont save it next time, either.

they are flip sides. as good as the good things can be, you dont get one without the other (and you get a lot less of them as the relationship breaks down). ive talked about how its important to truly understand how the relationship broke down, and how, if possible, it can be fixed.

you didnt break up because of bpd. bpd traits pose unique and significant challenges to a relationship, just as my adhd poses to mine. ultimately, and i understand this may feel like a grotesque over simplification (i would have cursed out my screen if someone said it to me at this point), you broke up because you grew apart. you broke up because there were things about you both that you both had a hard time accepting, or couldnt accept, and the good things, the love, buckled under the differences between you.

although her feelings and perspective may be distorted or disproportionate, it isnt because bpd popped up and interfered or messed with her head or heart. its because, tragically, sometimes love isnt enough to overcome fundamental differences. even when those differences may at one time have brought two people together.

proven that I love her a lot. Proven to myself

The things I've endured

love is not martyrdom.

you can go to the ends of the earth, and figure out how to walk on the sun, and that will never make the two of you "meant to be".

but it will make for a codependent dynamic where one person feels one-down, self-loathing, and phony, and the other feels like either a hero or a zero.

if she has bpd traits, then she will have a lifetime of difficulty accepting or trusting love. thats vital to understand when it comes to loving someone with bpd. but whether she does or not? she no more has to accept your love than you have to prove it. its the old adage of driving a square peg into a round hole (thats a codependent relationship, in a nutshell). and it ends with two people wounded people that feel rejected, unheard, unseen, and resentful.

are the two of you a square peg and a round hole? or is there a way to fit together? was it instead, the wrong glue?

thats what you need to resolve. believe me when i tell you (and believe me when i say i understand its easier said than done) doing so will make your path far clearer, whether she returns or not. it is what the purpose of all of this time, and all of this limbo, are really for. it will hurt a lot if she doesnt respond to your letter the way you hope. it will hurt even more if she does, and the new relationship crashes and burns.

[hex_dzh]

i want you to reread your post, and replace "bpd" with "the way she is".

because though you may not realize this, at the end of the day, thats what youre ultimately saying: "things would have been great, if she just werent the way she is".

forget about bpd for a moment. you have no reason to believe that any of those things about her will change, and, if youre going to go into this with eyes wide open, you shouldnt expect them to. you should factor any and all of it in to any future iteration of the relationship that you imagine, and plan around that. not pin your hopes on her getting professional help, and the bad stuff going away, while all the good stuff remains, and you live happily ever after.

the good things about the relationship, undoubtedly are a significant loss, and a great deal to grieve. but those things werent enough to save the relationship, and they wont save it next time, either.

they are flip sides. as good as the good things can be, you dont get one without the other (and you get a lot less of them as the relationship breaks down). ive talked about how its important to truly understand how the relationship broke down, and how, if possible, it can be fixed.

It's the two extreme ends that I'm talking about. If those were softer or lessened a bit, manageable and she wanted to keep working on herself and fighting for the relationship - I genuinely think that we'd have a stable, more or less normal relationship until the end. For example, it's not that I want her to seek therapy and just get rid of the splitting. I know that's not possible. But if she sought therapy that helped her manage her splits and dysregulation a bit that would be good enough for me. They'd still happen, sometimes she'll probably hurt me during them but if we could get together afterwards when she's calmer, talk about what went wrong and begin healing together afterwards I would have no issue with this. Even if it happened 99 times per month. I don't expect her to just change everything and be perfect for me. I want some realistic improvement, if that makes sense. On my part I would do everything I can for it, but I want her to fight for it too.

you didnt break up because of bpd. bpd traits pose unique and significant challenges to a relationship, just as my adhd poses to mine. ultimately, and i understand this may feel like a grotesque over simplification (i would have cursed out my screen if someone said it to me at this point), you broke up because you grew apart. you broke up because there were things about you both that you both had a hard time accepting, or couldnt accept, and the good things, the love, buckled under the differences between you.

although her feelings and perspective may be distorted or disproportionate, it isnt because bpd popped up and interfered or messed with her head or heart. its because, tragically, sometimes love isnt enough to overcome fundamental differences. even when those differences may at one time have brought two people together.

I really think we grew apart because of her BPD symptoms. Someone without BPD doesn't withdraw emotionally for no apparent reason without first talking about the things bothering them, trying to work on them and ultimately if things don't change - then a break up follows. But what happened to me is completely different. She in her own mind battled with this, lost, grieved the relationship for an unknown amount of time and only then decided to break up with me. Focused all her anger towards me and blamed me for everything (including things that were there before me). It's not that I think without her BPD everything would be perfect, but at the very least we would have worked on whatever problems arise before giving up. From my POV, I did all I could to fight and solve what little problems I was aware of and suddenly got blindsided with a break up, when seemingly things were on an upswing.

love is not martyrdom.

you can go to the ends of the earth, and figure out how to walk on the sun, and that will never make the two of you "meant to be".

but it will make for a codependent dynamic where one person feels one-down, self-loathing, and phony, and the other feels like either a hero or a zero.

Yes, this was very unhealthy. I really did try to decrease this codependency as much as I could but I felt like it was completely out of my control and it just kept getting more intense.

if she has bpd traits, then she will have a lifetime of difficulty accepting or trusting love. thats vital to understand when it comes to loving someone with bpd. but whether she does or not? she no more has to accept your love than you have to prove it. its the old adage of driving a square peg into a round hole (thats a codependent relationship, in a nutshell). and it ends with two people wounded people that feel rejected, unheard, unseen, and resentful.

are the two of you a square peg and a round hole? or is there a way to fit together? was it instead, the wrong glue?

thats what you need to resolve. believe me when i tell you (and believe me when i say i understand its easier said than done) doing so will make your path far clearer, whether she returns or not. it is what the purpose of all of this time, and all of this limbo, are really for. it will hurt a lot if she doesnt respond to your letter the way you hope. it will hurt even more if she does, and the new relationship crashes and burns.

As I said, I would deal with the BPD traits for as long as I have to if only she was of the same mind as me about it. It's impossible to both address the BPD symptoms AND her unwillingness to help me with it and herself.

I do think we can fit together, but I'm only one part of the glue. She needs to do her part as well, even if it's only a little for it to work. And it's not that she's unable to do it, she's very strong and a survivor. I really think it was unwillingness because of hopelessness and severe depression that ultimately lead to this.

I'm really trying not to expect anything to happen from the letter. Things are looking very grim to me, probably because I'm losing more and more hope with each day. It doesn't feel remotely realistic to expect even the smallest positive outcome.

[hex_dzh]

The more time passes, the closer the anniversary gets - the worse I feel. I have never felt this depressed, alone and empty in my life. So many thoughts I have bouncing around in my head, but it feels pointless to get them out and write them here. I just painfully miss her. Trying to distract myself from thinking about her is almost useless. I lose more hope by the minute yet my mind is doing everything to seek some kind of reassurance, some kind of proof that it's not all over.