benm4054
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1
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« on: February 27, 2025, 11:09:24 PM » |
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My ex gf of 8 months tried FaceTiming me 6 separate times over the course of 40 minutes tonight. This came as a shock to me as I did not expect to hear from her ever again.
Background (apologies in advance for the length): Our 8 month relationship was brief but intense. We met towards the end of June ‘24, and by August we were saying I love you, and hanging out almost every day. I had met her family and even went to visit them while they were on vacation not too far from me. I had no serious intentions with this girl at first but became completely entangled with her beauty and by the frequency at which we spent time together. Despite the whirlwind summer romance, the cracks already started to appear in August.
She was up front about her intentions to see how things went and if it wasn’t clear things weren’t becoming serious by Oct, we could part ways amicably. As a 40 year old woman (now 41), she understandably felt great urgency to move things along. As a 35 year old at the time, I saw this as the first red flag of many. I noticed a fair amount of clinginess, insecurity, and a subtle impression of selfishness in her. This was very difficult to detect on account of the “love” she showed me during the first 3 months (via gifts, words of affection, acts of service).
By October, the relationship fractured after she decided to go through my phone which I had lost at her sisters house (without my permission), which her mother later found and gave to her to bring back to me. She found texts between an ex and I, as well as texts between my brother and I in which there were a number of crude jokes made about her age as well as a joke about having a ménage a tois with one of her friends who found me attractive. This destroyed her, understandably so. Following this, she disappeared for a day and finally started responding to my texts the next morning. From here on out, an expected, she resented me and held this over my head for the entire relationship. We had many fights during the remaining 5 months, one in which she found texts on my phone with another two girls. The relationship had become so unstable that I genuinely believed it could end at any moment. Sparing the details, we couldn’t get through a single week without multiple fights. As a result, I didn’t take the relationship as seriously as she thought I should. Although despite the fact I did find a few suspect texts between her ex and her later. In any event, the relationship devolved into a push/pull dynamic, characterized by one of us threatening to leave, doing it, and then making up the following day. A miserable yet addictive experience.
Finally, 2 1/2 weeks ago, I stayed at her apartment on Saturday night and noticed her anxiety was unusually high, even for her. She was extremely confrontational, pulling up all the texts she found and reciting them to me. I took it for a little bit and finally told her it wasn’t healthy to be rereading them over and over again. At her request/demand, I had agreed to book a couples therapy appt and we had our first session a week prior to the breakup, but obviously that did not help her at all like she thought it would. Things escalated that Saturday night to the point where she made a few passive threats about “not wanting to be here anymore” and that I “will be sorry”. After I threatened to call the police, she finally calmed down enough so we could both sleep. The next morning, I woke up and it was clear she had been awake already for quite some time. She was crying softly saying “You deserve someone who isn’t like this” and that she would “never get over this” (the text messages). After taking more of her negative comments about me, she told me to leave (for about the 4th time since the previous night). So finally I threw my hands up and said ok, and left. I got home and decided to shovel the driveway to cool off. As I thought about things, I started to worry more about how distressed she was acting. It was concerning as I had never seen her that anxious or depressed. She said she had not felt happy in months and didn’t feel any emotions, no happiness yet no sadness. This started to scare me more and more, so finally I came inside and tried calling her but got her voicemail. I followed up with a text begging her to just let me know she was ok. No reply. I texted a friend of hers who I found out she previously told not to respond to me if I ever reached out saying she wanted to harm herself. Not surprisingly, that friend also did not respond. So I contacted the suicide prevention hotline who recommended I call in a wellness check with the local police, which I did. Thankfully, I received a call from the police an hour later saying everything seemed fine and that my ex had said “she was just getting over a breakup” and “wanted to be left alone”. This was news to me. I tried reaching out to her and noticed my number was now blocked. That genuinely crushed me. No one had ever done that to me before. Not even her. She had given me the silent treatment before but only for a day at most. As a result, I emails her a letter explaining why I called the police and that I was concerned but will respect her wishes and hope the best for her. 8 months of seeing this person almost every day, saying the most intimate and vulnerable things, all culminating in her blocking my number.
Fast forward to tonight, I hadn’t heard a peep from her until now. Of course my heart jumped and sank at the same time when I saw her name on my phone. I have been devoting all my time to inner work as a result of the traumatic push/pull relationship and sudden discard. I wanted so bad to pick up and see her face tonight. It took a fair amount of will power to ignore all 6 of her FaceTime calls, but I managed. Her last one was about 1 1/2 hours ago so I think she’s done, for now anyways. I’m torn. I know I don’t want to “take her back” but part of me just wants to hear what she has to say. Maybe she really needs help. She has tried her damndest and even sees 2 different therapists. Shes admitted to having abandonment issues and that she “struggles with empathy”, but never mentioned borderline at all. Seemingly, push came to shove and I saw a woman whom I believe has a good heart, in the throes of an insidious mental disorder. On top of that, my text messages really screeded with her insecurities and trust issues. Part of me understands why she ended things and believes it was the same thing to do. I just hate how it was done. I think I deserved more than a blocked number and having to hear it from a stranger.
Any thoughts, suggestions? Beyond recommending against reaching out to her, I’d be interested in hearing similar experiences. I don’t plan on doing anything today or even tomorrow. Her calls came in just as I was feeling really sad about things and missing her. I wish I didn’t. Thanks in advance!
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