Stepfather and BPD mother are now separated

[Riv3rW0lf]

Strange... How things evolve sometimes.

Maybe some of you will remember I went no contact about three years ago now with my BPD mother.

Spent a lot on time building myself away from any interference from the family dynamic. Formed a closer bond with my mother in law, reconnected with my father, whom I see at least once a month, a frequency that feels right for both of us.

I also reconnected with deep part of me I had forgotten, and found myself praying a lot. For guidance, but also to be supported in my transformation, so that I can do better.

I kept asking if I needed to reconnect. And I kept being met with dreams of my mother being angry, pushing me away. So I stayed away.

Then last week, I dreamt I was sitting at a table with her. And she said she understood why I had to leave, that she wasn't angry anymore, and we hugged.

I figured this was the sign I was waiting for... I was being told, not that it would be easy, but that I was ready and that things were now in place for a new role for me, not completely disconnected anymore, but present to help, within sane limits.

My brother contacted me on the same day, to send me a video of my niece walking... It was yet another sign.

So I listenned... I contacted her, and we agreed I'd meet her for coffee in a couple of weeks since I am schedule to go in her area for a project.

She told me her and my stepfather were separated. There was word of it between the branches, things my father had heard. She got angry when I mentioned it in an email, wrote me back they were doing well, that they would be buying a condo in another town together.

I contacted my stepfather yesterday. He was always important to me, and I felt deeply sadened not to be able to see or talk with him because of the state of my relationship with me mother.

He wrote back. He moved in a care home. I am schedule to visit him Tuesday. I was going skating with my father. I am thinking of gaming cookies. I want to keep it light. I want him to meet my children as they are today, and my children to meet him.

I plan to keep him in my agenda, go see him when I go see my father.

It hit me in an odd way...

I don't know what to make of all that yet...

Figured I'd share this update.

I am a different person now. And I believe I have much more strength. I am not scared of her anymore. She cannot hurt me, unless I let her. And I am being supported to provide help. In any way I can.

It's surprising... How things evolve... When we simply wait ans do nothing else than try to open our own heart...

Thanks for reading, and I truly hope you are all doing well.

[zachira]

So good to hear from you and so glad you are doing well. We often need periods of trial/permanent separations from disordered people in our lives to be able to heal and to be able to set the boundaries we need to when in contact with disordered people. With a mother with BPD, it is so difficult to permanently go no contact yet periods of low/no  contact with her can be so key in becoming a person in our own right, no longer enmeshed in the dysregulated emotions of our mother. It is so heartwarming that you are now able to freely visit with both your father and stepfather. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

So good to hear from you and so glad you are doing well. We often need periods of trial/permanent separations from disordered people in our lives to be able to heal and to be able to set the boundaries we need to when in contact with disordered people. With a mother with BPD, it is so difficult to permanently go no contact yet periods of low/no  contact with her can be so key in becoming a person in our own right, no longer enmeshed in the dysregulated emotions of our mother. It is so heartwarming that you are now able to freely visit with both your father and stepfather. 

Thank you Zachira !

I am a bit anxious to see how my stepfather is doing. I believe being with my BPD mother precipitated his health issues, to be honest. He once told me she had almost pushed him to hurt himself, prior to me going no contact with her. I think he didn't know how to get out.

I don't know how it happened, who decided what... And in the end it doesnt matter.

I can't help but wonder if his illness, the fact that he now needed care, didn't maybe trigger her even more in being abusive.

I know this is likely a good thing for him, and I will try to be there for him in ways I can.

 I can't help but feel sad for her... She just can't build. She tears her own world appart, with fear. And now, she truly is alone.

[zachira]

A true sign of healing is when we feel sad for our mother with BPD, sad for those people she has harmed, while having healthier boundaries with her. Since I was very young, I noticed the healthiest happiest people felt sad for me, when I behaved like my disordered family members. I am still a work in progress on not feeling angry, not wanting to get even with the rest of the world, because I have been and am so badly abused by disordered people, especially many members of my large extended family and people connected to them. Currently I seem to be more successful than I have ever been in surrounding myself with more people who are kind and caring with whom I can have healthy reciprocal relationships. Your stepfather most likely could only get away from your mother by becoming sick himself, and you are probably right that your mother was angry that he needed to be taken care of, that she was no longer the center of attention. Your stepfather is lucky that you care about him and are willing to help him. It does feel good and healing to give back to people who we genuinely love and care about.

[Riv3rW0lf]

A true sign of healing is when we feel sad for our mother with BPD, sad for those people she has harmed,

You are hitting the nail on the head here.

I read you and Notwendy say many times how saw you both felt for your person with BPD, and others too, I won't go into naming everyone that felt this way... And this is something I wasn't getting back then. I needed to be angry, and so I was. I needed to feel bitter, and sad for myself.

Now... Things are very different. My inner world has completely change.

Like you, I am still a work in progress. But I finally can see what you hinted at back then, when I first came here.

Maybe this is another bottle in the internet sea for those who are at the start of their healing journey : it does get better...

[zachira]

Yes, it does get better and there are so many painful feelings to sort out and difficult decisions to make if we are to heal and be able to set the boundaries we need to feel whole and safe. So happy for you and so much respect for all the work you have done. Not easy, and takes so much courage to do this.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yes, it does get better and there are so many painful feelings to sort out and difficult decisions to make if we are to heal and be able to set the boundaries we need to feel whole and safe. So happy for you and so much respect for all the work you have done. Not easy, and takes so much courage to do this.

I feel the same way for you Zachira !

[zachira]

Thank you. It feels so heartwarming to be understood.