Going to get evicted if he doesn't stop screaming. Need suggestions

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We live in an apt bldg. and my BPD H screams when he gets mad. We have already received a notice that if he doesn't stop being so loud, the landlord will start eviction proceedings. So hub agreed to "not get mad anymore." I explained to him that he is of course allowed to feel mad & express his anger, but he needs to do it in a calmer manner. He promised to stop the screaming.
Well, the promise has been broken time & time again & he continues screaming whenever he is mad. These are the strategies I've tried to curb the screaming issue:
- I remind him about the possible eviction. Then he gets more enraged & screams louder that it's my fault bc "If you didn't make me mad, I wouldn't have to scream."
- I assure him that he is allowed to be mad, but that he can use his anger management techniques to deal with it in other ways instead of screaming. He then tells me he wants to scream & doesn't care what happens.
- I tell him I will not engage with him when he is screaming & let him know I'm going to walk away. He follows me and screams louder.
- I tell him we would be able to resolve the problem better if he would use a calm voice. This makes him more angry = more screaming.
- I tell him I need to leave the apt until he calms down. He follows me out into the hallway and/or parking lot & screams, which is even louder to the neighbors.
- I remind him that he is a man of his word & therefore he should keep this promise to cease the screaming. He acts ashamed, but then that shame triggers him more & screams louder.

I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing is working. Any suggestions? I'm so scared to get an eviction notice.

[bananas2]

We live in an apt bldg. and my BPD H screams when he gets mad. We have already received a notice that if he doesn't stop being so loud, the landlord will start eviction proceedings. So hub agreed to "not get mad anymore." I explained to him that he is of course allowed to feel mad & express his anger, but he needs to do it in a calmer manner. He promised to stop the screaming.
Well, the promise has been broken time & time again & he continues screaming whenever he is mad. These are the strategies I've tried to curb the screaming issue:
- I remind him about the possible eviction. Then he gets more enraged & screams louder that it's my fault bc "If you didn't make me mad, I wouldn't have to scream."
- I assure him that he is allowed to be mad, but that he can use his anger management techniques to deal with it in other ways instead of screaming. He then tells me he wants to scream & doesn't care what happens.
- I tell him I will not engage with him when he is screaming & let him know I'm going to walk away. He follows me and screams louder.
- I tell him we would be able to resolve the problem better if he would use a calm voice. This makes him more angry = more screaming.
- I tell him I need to leave the apt until he calms down. He follows me out into the hallway and/or parking lot & screams, which is even louder to the neighbors.
- I remind him that he is a man of his word & therefore he should keep this promise to cease the screaming. He acts ashamed, but then that shame triggers him more & screams louder.

I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing is working. Any suggestions? I'm so scared to get an eviction notice.

[flourdust]

Have you had a discussion about these issues when he is calm and not dysregulated?

Have you tried any kind of therapy -- either individual for him or joint, to try to address this issue?

With uncontrolled BPD, it's likely that the two options above won't make any difference. So let's talk about the one thing you can control - yourself. What can you do to prepare to be evicted, to minimize the harm it will do to you?

[bananas2]

Flourdust - Thanks for suggestions.
I have had several discussions with him about this issue while he was calm & he always promises it will never happen again. But the promise goes out the window when his anger strikes.
We addressed this issue in therapy & the T gave him suggestions for managing the problem.
I'm working on managing only what I can control.

[flourdust]

Understood. That's kind of what I suspected.

If you accept that you can't make him stop, and you might get evicted as a result, you can take some actions to protect yourself. You might consider talking to your landlord or rental office about his behavior to see what actions they might take. You could set aside money to use for a security deposit at another apartment. You can review your state's rental laws to see what protections you have as a tenant from eviction or at least what kind of timeline and warning is required by law. You might even ask your landlord now for a letter of recommendation that you could use when renting another apartment -- as long as you rent it by yourself, not with your husband.

These are all things I can think of off the top of my head to try to protect yourself from the consequences of your H's behavior. You can't protect him from them.

[Grey Kitty]

You are taking the best actions you can to get away from him when he is screaming, leaving the room, leaving the apartment, etc.

I'd suggest you take those actions SOONER. Consider the way he gets to screaming:

I bet you see some initial signs that are quieter. Then he starts to say something on a topic that normally gets him spooled up and he will *soon* be screaming about it, but he hasn't started yet.

If you can get out of the apartment before he starts screaming, he might not start. And if you come back in 20 minutes or a half hour, he may be back at baseline.

It probably won't work every time, but it should help.


At the same time, I'd recommend you make some plans for yourself in the event of an eviction notice.

From what you say of him, he will probably get very angry when he sees that, and may well try to take it out on you. So be prepared to get yourself out safely.

Make a plan if you can to  stay apart from him, perhaps a women's shelter in case you get evicted. I hope it goes smoother and you don't need to do this... .but having the plan in place would be good for you.

At the same time, you can be making plans to find a new place with him, and talk to him about those plans as much as you would normally.

[bananas2]

Grey Kitty - Thank you for your excellent advice! I am going to actively work on disengaging from him before the screaming begins. You are correct - there are definite signs that he's about to blow, & I need to remove myself from the situation before it escalates.

"It probably won't work every time, but it should help."
Thanks for reminding me that even the best laid plans go awry sometimes, but to keep trying. 

[formflier]

Said another way... .(I'm a checklist thinker... .)

1.  If he is screaming... .hopefully you are disengaged.  If not... leave.  At this point, it likely won't matter what you say.  Just leave.  Keep keys in your pocket, know where your purse is... .perhaps have a "go" back left in trunk of car.  Let him do... .what he does.


2.  Whatever you can do to identify when they are on the road to screaming... .or if he brings up known triggers. 

"Hey babe... .I can focus on xyz tonight after dinner.  I'm so preoccupied at the moment I can't concentrate.  Hey... I'm getting myself some icewater... .would you like some."  Keep moving... .leave the water. 

If he looks mildly upset... .don't let him know that.  Make it about you... .go somewhere else.  Make sure he knows you are available later.


Eviction:  I'm a landlord... .hopefully this perspective helps.  Talk directly to him.  Let him know you understand he must do what he must do for the apartments.  Briefly explain that your husband has self control issues (shorter the better).  Ask him for heads up if he is going to file a notice.  Perhaps he can text you or call. 

Personally... .I prefer texting my renters... helps keep things BIFF (format)

 

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

This sounds like one of those situations where the victim is responsible for a solution - which is neither kind nor just.  However, it sounds like you are going to end up with consequences of his behavior.  I'm sorry about that.

I think we can observe that someone prone to verbal abuse will continue to follow that pattern, regardless of consequences.  It may be the harsh light of reality that ends up with his behavior causing you to get evicted.  Again, not kind, and not fair.

You may want to look for alternate housing arrangements, and perhaps one for your self regardless what happens with the husband.  I am aware that a man who verbally abuses, is prone to physically abuse too.  Promises to change are null once the amygdala gets enlarged