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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: at my wit's end and unsure of how to leave  (Read 379 times)
fusionbooster
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« on: March 11, 2025, 09:44:18 PM »


my (27) girlfriend (30) of 9 months has an official diagnosis, sees a psychiatrist, is on medication, and is restarting therapy this week. however, she went without her meds for about a week and hid this from me. she said she ran out and was having issues getting it refilled, but had she told me earlier i could have brought her meds because she kept some at my place. more than enough to bridge the gap.

i had family visiting over the end of the week & the weekend. on thursday she got triggered and explosively angry at work, leading to an episode where she shattered a company phone, sped away in a company vehicle, was chased by cops for a moment, then sped 80-90 mph in the wrong lane before being stopped by a head on collision. thankfully everyone walked away from the accident. this of course damaged the company vehicle and created a whole bunch of drama with her job. she left the ER before being discharged so was missing paperwork needed for the incident report. she kept putting off getting the documentation and was fired after cursing out the owner. she called me after the police chase and subsequent accident, sounded like she was manic/having a panic attack and wouldn't listen to reason. i was with family and had no clue where she was, and couldn't do anything even if i did. at some point her phone broke and she got a new one & a new number. she says she blacked out and can't remember anything, but called me, her brother, her psych, and her boss. some of us multiple times. she sent photos of the accident to her brother and me. that's the second time in a week she said she blacked out and went off. the first time she chewed out her boss via text, and demanded a phone call meeting.

perhaps it goes without saying, but there were signs for months that had she been more proactive, she could have avoided this whole episode. she's been going through a lot but refuses to process or talk about it until i bring up an issue. she has continually put off therapy with many excuses. she's had 5 jobs and about 6 different living situations since we met a year ago. i have really supported her during this time, helping with food, housing, resources, distractions, & emotional support. i realized a few months ago that she was taking too much space in my head and life, and started setting and keeping my boundaries. i noticed i was depressed and needed to prioritize my mental health. i said as much to her and of course she told me she understood. i stopped the late late night calls, started standing up for myself more, and stopped forcing myself to have sex with her (i had lost my trust with her due to some incidents and we had a few discussions about it with little improvement). when we did spend time together she either was watching sports at her place, or falling asleep at mine. a few times she fell asleep while i was showing her something she asked to see and talking to her about it. she says she doesn't remember doing it, and originally said it was because of exhaustion from work. well about a week ago she told me she was falling asleep because she was bored. mind you, i was sharing hobbies and interests with her. i'm not particularly interested in sports but still try to engage with her and will watch them while doing my own hobbies. she knows and notices very little about me and i realized that she only loves me for what i offer her, because when i couldn't offer as much she got distant and cold. she told me as much, after promising not to use my depression against me. i realized that i had been experiencing emotional abuse over the months, and that every time i would withdraw she'd use manipulation tactics to draw me back in. those don't work the same anymore.

 i want to leave her. i have packed her stuff into boxes/bags 3 separate times. i don't feel any attraction anymore, she's not who she pretended to be. i had a lot of patience because she was aware of the issues and sometimes we could talk about it. but how could i seriously tie my life to someone so unstable and unwilling to take care of themselves? she's blown up every housing situation she's had as an adult, but talks about us living together. she's blown up at everyone and breaks things, but wants me to believe she'd never do that to me. i told her she can't promise that because she's told me she's never done anything like what happened the past thursday. also, she has blown up on me but was splitting and can't remember. if she doesn't know her triggers and can't emotionally regulate, how can i feel safe around her? now feels like a bad time to leave but my heart isn't in it at all. she really hurt me and brings too much chaos. i have love for her still but feel like i'm being held hostage emotionally. i'm the center of her world on a pedestal until she feels rejected. not once has she given any dedicated attention to the things that are important to me, i constantly have to remind her who i am and what i like. she won't even memorize my friends' names!

she's coming over tomorrow to watch a show. if i felt safe and in any other relationship i would tell her not to come over and instead drop off her box of stuff and tell her i'm done. but i feel like i can't predict her. last week she was cold and telling me i'm boring and unsupportive. after the accident she misses me and wants to talk to me and is grateful for my love and support...i think the only reason she doesn't blow up at me is because of what i give her. i'm afraid that if i cut that off she'll lose it. she's told me about her fantasies of committing violence and arson but has said she'd never try to hurt me because she loves me. how can i keep myself safe? i want my life back.  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)
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Pook075
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2025, 02:55:15 AM »

Hello and welcome to the family.  I am so sorry that you're in such an impossible situation.  A few questions-

- Was she arrested and formally charged?

In mental health terms, what you described was being a danger to herself and/or others.  She's in crisis mode and needs in-house treatment.  This is a very serious situation and if she was arrested, it's possible to get in-house treatment ordered by the court...that's a best case scenario for everyone involved.

As far as your exit strategy, this is a terrible time to leave her.  But at the same time, you'll never have a good time to end the relationship either.  Breaking it off immediately could push her over the edge since she already sounds very unstable.  Unfortunately, it's going to be ugly for her regardless.

Another question- how much do you communicate with her family?  Have they discussed recent events with concern?

In-house treatment really would be the best option and hopefully her therapist leans in that direction at her next appointment.

By the way, missing meds is a common theme for BPDs since they don't always like how they feel.  Some meds make them gain/lose weight, some make them feel muted and not themselves.  It takes quite a while to find the right mix and even then, they're just helping with some of the symptoms.  Therapy is the only way to overcome this completely, and the person has to be 100% committed to the treatment.

I don't have any advice on staying or going...I wouldn't judge you if you left today or stayed another year.  There's no correct answer here, no silver lining.  Hopefully court-mandated in-house therapy is ordered and she's out of the picture for a few weeks/months.  That does make a major difference and it allows both of you to reset (or walk away).  Breaking up with her while she's in-house is also the safest out you'll find since she's getting 24/7 care.
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fusionbooster
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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2025, 10:33:08 AM »

- Was she arrested and formally charged?
no she wasn't. the cops stopped chasing her after a while (it was around the time school gets out and a lot of children walk), and the EMTs took her to the hospital after. i suspect part of the reason she left the hospital without being discharged is because she was worried about being admitted. to be fair, at the time no one knew where she was because her personal phone wasn't working. she's been admitted and my understanding is that it wasn't a good experience, so i understand the aversion. she was in a work vehicle and is dodging the paperwork so i'm not sure how possible it is that charges will be brought against her.

Another question- how much do you communicate with her family?  Have they discussed recent events with concern?
i don't have any lines of communication with her family. i know from her that her brother is concerned and even got upset with her because she hasn't been taking care of herself. i know he's buying her groceries this week. he basically tells her all the same things i do, but she actually listens to him.


i know therapy is the best course. i'm hoping she likes this therapist and opens up so she can get real help. i don't have a ton of faith because when she talks about it she is still very guarded, has a lot of excuses for why therapy won't work. i know she doesn't like the way her meds make her feel. her psychiatrist is not the most available and i think not very experienced with BPD based on the fact that she keeps prescribing benzos. i've mentioned that seeing someone who specializes in BPD could be more fruitful. that's a decision she'll have to make herself though, i know she's worked on a relationship with this psych and that's a very valuable thing. she does understand that she needs to change things because her coping skills aren't working.

i definitely don't want to trigger anything that would lead to a worse situation for her. i know abandonment is like, The Trigger, and i have no desire to be cruel about leaving. so i appreciate the realism.
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Pook075
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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2025, 08:40:20 PM »

no she wasn't. the cops stopped chasing her after a while (it was around the time school gets out and a lot of children walk), and the EMTs took her to the hospital after. i suspect part of the reason she left the hospital without being discharged is because she was worried about being admitted. to be fair, at the time no one knew where she was because her personal phone wasn't working. she's been admitted and my understanding is that it wasn't a good experience, so i understand the aversion. she was in a work vehicle and is dodging the paperwork so i'm not sure how possible it is that charges will be brought against her.

That's sort of incredible- the pure luck of it all in avoiding responsibility.

Nobody likes being admitted, even when they feel like they have to be admitted, because that means they're not in control and around staff that are trained not to fall for her manipulation tactics.  The goal is to realize the need for change, that's when the magic can happen.  Until then though, in-house is more about getting them stable in the moment and balanced out enough to return to society.

her psychiatrist is not the most available and i think not very experienced with BPD based on the fact that she keeps prescribing benzos.

Psychiatrists don't generally "treat", they're there to diagnose and prescribe medications.  Meds treat symptoms (depression, paranoia, etc) but don't do anything for the core problems.  There's a mass shortage of psychiatrists and they're mega-busy, so it's near impossible to get treatment without cash appointments through a private facility.  Most folks rely on insurance and that's a big fail in the USA, those psychiatrists are worked to the bone and don't have time to truly work with their patients.

that's a decision she'll have to make herself though, i know she's worked on a relationship with this psych and that's a very valuable thing. she does understand that she needs to change things because her coping skills aren't working.

That's what this all comes down to, her willingness to put in the work and get better.  Nobody can do that for her, and nobody can convince her.  She has to want it for herself and that's a very hard thing for her to come to terms with.  Some BPDs never make that realization.

i definitely don't want to trigger anything that would lead to a worse situation for her. i know abandonment is like, The Trigger, and i have no desire to be cruel about leaving. so i appreciate the realism.

Again, i have no advice and it's impossible for me to judge you, regardless of what you decide.  Everyone here has been in the same situation.

I will offer a piece of advice based on what I just shared though.  For her to realize that she needs to take therapy seriously, she's likely going to have to hit her "rock bottom".  With BPD, that can be a lot lower than what you'd imagine.  For most of us, the police chase in the company vehicle would have been enough of a wake up call that we were seriously unhinged.

For her though, the breakup could be what finally convinces her to seek help and try to make changes in life.

It's going to be terrible for her no matter what, and it's going to be super hard on you as well.  You might have to block her at some point if the messages keep coming.  It's really going to suck.

But at the same time, you can't stay because "it's what's best for her mental health."  What she sees as best for her is feeling okay in the moment, which means she'll spend her entire life running from people and responsibilities just to feel okay.  It's her choice, but that's a terrible life filled with heartbreak.

What's actually best for her is taking therapy seriously, going through DBT to learn how to better process her emotions in stressful times, and coming out of this more stable and responsible.  She can't see that though and she has to choose it.

For you, maybe you're giving her comfort and support...despite what it's doing for your mental health.  That's great...that's noble even.  But it's unhealthy for you as well.  Just remember that this is not your fault and it's ultimately not about you.  You can't fix her, you wouldn't even know where to start.

Maybe a good path is not breaking up right now, but enforcing more healthy boundaries for yourself.  For instance, she starts yelling, tell her that you're stepping away for both of you to calm down and reflect.  She's not used to that and she won't like it, but it's protecting you while teaching her right from wrong.  Doing this is not to "punish her", it's to help her regulate her emotions and avoid the blowout fight.

If you come back 30 minutes later and she wants to scream, then you tell her that you love her but you don't have the energy to fight.  You don't like the way it makes you feel.  Keep it about you and your boundaries, and walk away again if necessary.  This is forcing her to choose- calm down and treat you better, or have you at a distance. 

Maybe this adds to her fear of abandonment and she breaks up with you.

You can do all of this stuff in a loving, compassionate way.  Again, the goal is not to harm her or make her feel like dirt.  It's to teach right from wrong and let her see that your feelings matter as well.  You can still comfort her and help her calm down when she's angry or sad by focusing on her emotions and soothing them.  You'll just have boundaries, you'll only do so much of that when she's dysregulated and blaming you.

Again, I wish you luck.  It's a terrible position to be in.

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PeteWitsend
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« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2025, 03:54:42 PM »

no she wasn't. the cops stopped chasing her after a while (it was around the time school gets out and a lot of children walk), and the EMTs took her to the hospital after. i suspect part of the reason she left the hospital without being discharged is because she was worried about being admitted. to be fair, at the time no one knew where she was because her personal phone wasn't working. she's been admitted and my understanding is that it wasn't a good experience, so i understand the aversion. she was in a work vehicle and is dodging the paperwork so i'm not sure how possible it is that charges will be brought against her.
...

You can't avoid charges simply by refusing to fill out paperwork.  It sounds like this just happened recently, so I assume the police investigation is still playing out.

Fleeing and evading the police is a crime in itself, and the head-on collision cause by driving one way is a pretty serious moving violation, coupled with fleeing-and-evading. 

It was in a work vehicle, so likely the police will be contacting her employer, and they will provide information on her identity & maybe will also press charges. 

She can make it harder to charge her, but odds are she will eventually be charged. 

I know a guy who fled the cops in his car because he and his friends were all drunk (and underage at the time).  They just came back to his house and arrested him the next week. 

If she gives your house as her address, the police could very well show up looking for her, so be prepared for that.

...  i definitely don't want to trigger anything that would lead to a worse situation for her. i know abandonment is like, The Trigger, and i have no desire to be cruel about leaving. so i appreciate the realism.

it's nice you don't want to do anything to trigger her, but don't drop your guard.  She's really spiraling here and likely needs professional help, so she may say and do anything to avoid criminal charges, and that could possibly tie you up in this mess as well. 

She will not consider your well-being at all, especially if/when it comes to her own convenience or needs, so think about that as you weigh your decision here. 

It actually sounds like she's way past the point of being "triggered," FWIW.  I mean, she's endangered the lives of everyone around her by fleeing and evading the police in a school zone?  And for no good reason either. 
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