My mom died

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was just notified that my mom passed away from a car accident. She lives in another country. I have no idea what to do now. Things were rocky between us as usual, and it'd been a month since I told her I loved her. It kills me to know she died believing no one loved her including me. I know she loved Jesus with all her might and is in His loving arms free of heartache and physical pain, but...... I feel guilty. I also know I really tried. I'm mad at myself for not having said I love you. I'm mad because I couldn't just say I love you without being second guessed.

[Teach21]

I was just notified that my mom passed away from a car accident. She lives in another country. I have no idea what to do now. Things were rocky between us as usual, and it'd been a month since I told her I loved her. It kills me to know she died believing no one loved her including me. I know she loved Jesus with all her might and is in His loving arms free of heartache and physical pain, but...... I feel guilty. I also know I really tried. I'm mad at myself for not having said I love you. I'm mad because I couldn't just say I love you without being second guessed.

[Notwendy]

 

Hugs to you. I think this is a unique grief. The relationship was different than a typical one.

You will feel what you feel- anger, grief, maybe relief. It's OK - no judgment. Feelings are what they are.

Mine passed away a couple weeks ago. It's still a bit of a shock. It doesn't feel real. You may feel it's surreal for a while too.

Take care of yourself during this time.

 

[kells76]

 

We're here for you, as long as you need. Please post as much or as little as you feel you need to. This group definitely gets it that when a family member with BPD passes, it's complicated.

Are there people in your life right now (any siblings, family members, friends, therapist, etc) who you feel like understand you and your relationship with your mom?

[Notwendy]

When my mother was at the hospital before she passed- I felt at a loss for words. In addition, since she was under infection control, I couldn't really touch her for long- but also, we didn't have a lot of physical affection between us.

She was not responsive. She did open her eyes briefly when I spoke to her but I don't know if she knew I was there. I didn't say "I love you" because, it's not something we say to each other. She rarely says it but when she did, I wasn't sure if it was true. She wasn't usually affectionate with me and also I felt guarded around her.

I said I forgive her and that I wanted her to go in Peace and that, she's suffered so much during her life that I wish her only Peace. That, I felt I could say sincerely. I do wish things were different between us but I also feel I tried.

Since you have a faith tradition, and you believe God has forgiven your mother, I hope you can also believe that this same God knows you tried your best with the ability you have at the moment.

You will grieve but you can honor your mother by being your best self and doing good in the world.

[Teach21]

When my mother was at the hospital before she passed- I felt at a loss for words. In addition, since she was under infection control, I couldn't really touch her for long- but also, we didn't have a lot of physical affection between us.

She was not responsive. She did open her eyes briefly when I spoke to her but I don't know if she knew I was there. I didn't say "I love you" because, it's not something we say to each other. She rarely says it but when she did, I wasn't sure if it was true. She wasn't usually affectionate with me and also I felt guarded around her.

I said I forgive her and that I wanted her to go in Peace and that, she's suffered so much during her life that I wish her only Peace. That, I felt I could say sincerely. I do wish things were different between us but I also feel I tried.

Since you have a faith tradition, and you believe God has forgiven your mother, I hope you can also believe that this same God knows you tried your best with the ability you have at the moment.

You will grieve but you can honor your mother by being your best self and doing good in the world.

Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words.

[Teach21]

Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words.  I'm very sorry for your loss as well.

[Teach21]

We're here for you, as long as you need. Please post as much or as little as you feel you need to. This group definitely gets it that when a family member with BPD passes, it's complicated.

Are there people in your life right now (any siblings, family members, friends, therapist, etc) who you feel like understand you and your relationship with your mom?

Thank you for your concern. This is the first place I turned after notifying my brother and sister. They hadn't spoken to her in 14 years. I'm sure will have their own regrets. I haven't logged-in in awhile but know you all understand, and I could release my immediate thoughts.

[Notwendy]

Yes, we will have our own regrets. These are difficult situations. Some of the "regrets" are choices between two regrets. Would we regret not having more contact or would we regret the drama and issues from having more contact?

If your siblings haven't spoken to your mother in years, it's probably due to some reason- even if that reason is their own emotional and mental health issues. Maybe they feel too vulnerable to manage the relationship.

I am glad you could find some understanding here.

[Methuen]

Teach21,

My sincere condolences Teach.  It's never easy when it's sudden like this.  Please don't be hard on yourself.  Please release yourself from the "guilt" you said you are feeling.  Man, we have all struggled with our mothers so much, and yet we are the ones that struggle with guilt , and they don't!  You did the very best you could.  That is all you could do.