Hi there CrochetMom and
You've certainly got more than a full plate right now, with your H's behaviors/diagnosis/treatment, your own ADHD/perimenopause, 4 kids in the house, and your new awareness of BPD. That's a
lot to juggle, for anyone, so we're glad you're here and felt ready to share some of your story and get support.
I’m a 51 year old mom of 4, all 4 kids from our marriage.
I'm curious, how long have the two of you been married? How old are the kids, and are all 4 of them still living at home? How do they seem to be doing?
My husband has always been up and down and has taken a turn these last 2 years and become completely erratic and hurtful.
I'm guessing that he took a turn around the time of the fight that you mentioned, is that true? What was the fight about?
I convinced him to go to a 30 day out of network residential program. They treat mental issues and substance abuse, which he has both. He’s been diagnosed as bipolar and most likely borderline bpd.
BPD plus substance abuse is... a lot. It's positive that he chose to attend the residential program, though. Are the two of you allowed to have contact with each other? Are you allowed to have contact with his team?
Did this program suggest that he has BPD? If so, do you know if he's accepting of the diagnosis, in denial, some other response? Some pwBPD really embrace the diagnosis and feel it as a relief; it just depends on the individual.
I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I would love to know if there are local support groups or any advice at all.
One great resource for a non-anonymous support group is the
National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder, which runs the free
Family Connections Program. It typically runs 12 weeks online (there are some shorter versions) and when I attended (due to my husband's kids' mom) I found it very helpful and understanding. There is a waitlist; my wait was ~7 months, so I'd recommend signing up now for sure. If your H also struggles with suicidality, they have a
Managing Suicidality & Trauma Recovery Program that may have a shorter waitlist.
Another resource is the
National Alliance on Mental Illness, which offers free support groups either virtually or in person in the USA. While I haven't participated in their offerings, and they're not BPD-specific, I have heard they are reputable and well regarded.
I'm also curious if you have a therapist or counselor for yourself?
I should add in the last 2 years he’s paid for sexual favors, gone on cocaine’s and Xanax binges, and most recently that made me require him to go to treatment: he spent $14k on in-app purchases on a phone game. The game had tribes of people. He was a lesser of their tribe and spent money to upgrade their tribe to gain clout and recognition in the game. He was trying to be “good” after the sex and drugs behavior. I don’t think I can trust him again. Or I’ll have to verify his credit report every month to verify he have opened up new credit cards to do behaviors. Going bankrupt doesn’t do either of us any good
Relationships where BPD is involved tend to need healthier boundaries than non-BPD relationships can get away with. That can include in the area of finances. It sounds "normal" to have shared accounts, yet like you mentioned, nobody is helped when you're "nice" and "let him" have that shared responsibility.
It's not easy introducing
true boundaries (which are rules for ourselves, not others) into our lives; it's a big change for us and for our loved ones, who can sometimes respond with
extinction burst behavior at first before settling down.
I wonder if it could help to focus on learning more about just those two areas, for starters -- learning about real boundaries, and preparing yourself for any extinction burst-type behaviors. There's so much to learn about BPD, and so many nuanced, unintuitive, and helpful tools and skills to build -- don't feel like you have to take it all in in one day. One step at a time will get you there
My guess is that things didn't get to this point overnight. Your relationship dynamics developed over time; it'll take time to turn things around. And it will be difficult at first; change is hard... but it can be very worth it.
Anyway, glad you're here, and feel free to fill us in some more, whenever you have a moment;
kells76
