Advice o

[Roper]

I have chosen to block phone access to my adult daughter with bpd  who is divorced in her forties with two young children
I have taken this action as I am currently in her mind threatening her and she brings up a catalogue of issues including working in her childhood not looking after her when she had the children arranging for her to be sectioned ( that was a doctor decision based on a very manic /psychotic episode)
Contact is still available through my husband (her father) who calmly listened to her list of grievances yesterday.
My concern is my grandchildren as there are continuous hints that she will deny us access to the children with threats of restraining orders The children live with their father but she has access to them every weekend and 1/2 the holiday  She is supposed to notify her husband when she is unwell so that during those periods her care of the children should be supervised by us.
The divorce was very acrimonious and I think we were in denial about her mental illness believing it was connected to an unhappy marriage . We are aware now that her behaviour blaming us ,her ex husband ,her brother and any employer as being at fault is classic BPD Her behaviour swings from  over nice to aggressive.
I do feel guilty about blocking her access to me as this seems cowardly. I just feel unable to cope with any interaction with my daughter as it feeds her behaviour. I suppose I am really at the end of my tether.
My husband and I hope we will be able to see the grandchildren as we have been so involved in their upbringing They have spent virtually every weekend with us since birth. It is unlikely that our daughter could cope with looking after the children for any lengthy period.
We are worried she will start to treat her children in the same way as she treats us all There are already signs that she is expecting them to ‘take care of her ‘ and getting angry when she can’t manage their behaviour.
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated as to how to handle this

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't really have any advice other than looking into establishing Grandparent visitation legally-- if that's an option where you live. That way you could be guaranteed ongoing reasonable access to your grandchildren.

[kells76]

How is your relationship with your grandkids' father? Do you have communication with him?

[CC43]

I’m sorry that your daughter’s behavior has gotten so toxic that you feel the need to take a break from her. You must have endured years of rages and blaming. You are right to block her whenever she is being abusive, or whenever she is overwhelming you. You have to protect yourself first.

First, I’d say that none of this is your fault. Even if she tries to blame you for her misery, that doesn’t mean you had anything to do with it. Blaming is just a maladaptive coping response. In fact, if she is dredging up ancient grievances from childhood, that’s a sure sign that she’s facing stress in her life right now, and she just can’t handle it in a healthy way. Rather, she’s using juvenile coping techniques—blaming others and lashing out. In fact, I think the victim attitude is perhaps the worst part of BPD. If she’s always a victim, she can’t take responsibility for her life, let alone solve problems. She feels eternally helpless and hopeless, incompetent and frustrated, disappointed and let down. How miserable that must be. Deep down she might feel that she’s a failure in your eyes. But with BPD, she flips the script and says YOU failed her. That’s projection, a sort of reality distortion to help her cope with feelings of worthlessness. Does that sound about right?

I know you’re concerned about the grandkids, as you should be if your daughter is acting unstable.  Many grandparents on these boards provide significant childcare and support, while feeling like the kids are held hostage sometimes. One tactic that seems to work is to frame childcare as giving the BPD parent a needed break. That way, it’s not about your desire to see the grandkids, and it’s not directly about caring for the grandkids (which could make your daughter feel jealous/alienated/abandoned/excluded), but it’s ostensibly about putting your daughter’s needs first.

I’m sure the grandkids have benefited enormously by spending so much time with you. They get to see what a normal, peaceful household looks like, and how a loving relationship functions.

[Roper]

Thank you That was very helpful advice We do use the ploy of having the grandchildren to give her a break. This does work I do know that whilst she will hint at not allowing us to have the children she will not follow this through long term  because she struggles with managing them for any length of time.
I think that a firm stance is needed so that her nasty and aggressive behaviour is not tolerated so rather than trying to reason with her (that never works) we will stop the conversation/text or meeting and calmly state we will not accept this behaviour
I don’t think we can ever provide help for her and actually any help we have tried to provide actually triggers
/feeds an episode
Our focus  will be on on providing the grandchildren with a calm staple and loving family  time.

[CC43]

Hi there,

It sounds like you are pros at this, even if you feel the need to vent sometimes—I often come to this site to help me process my own frustrations in living with a loved one with BPD. It is not easy!  It’s as if she makes the choices, yet my husband and I endure the consequences of her choices. It often feels lopsided—all take and no give, etc. Without a doubt, the dysfunction reverberated through the entire family and created fractures and resentment.

I know that I can’t use logic when she’s having a meltdown. That’s why I’ve come to realize that the best thing for an adult tantrum is an adult time out. She decides when she’s ready to re-engage, and I don’t interrupt her time outs. I’m not bothered by nasty texts because they are outrageous. I just take them as a sign that she’s in a mood. I keep the lines of communication open, but ignore the lashing out. It sounds like that’s what you do, too. Since she is reliant on us for help and money, she always comes back at some point, once she has calmed down (or needs urgent help).

Anyway I’ll say that my BPD stepdaughter has been managing much better since she started taking therapy seriously. Though she still struggles, she is more functional now and less easily derailed at every little disappointment. She hasn’t repaired most of her familial relationships, but I suspect that once she hits some adult milestones, she’ll be better able to let go of past grievances. She might shed the “poor little abused girl” persona and find a new identity as a grown educated woman. Or so I hope. Her daily routine is much healthier now, and routine provides a sense of stability and purpose which was lacking for many years.  I think she’s headed in the right direction—looking forward instead of backward. To me, direction is more important than the speed of progress. I celebrate the baby steps, and there have been many of those. I hope your daughter can take some baby steps herself. I’ll say the first one my stepdaughter took was finding a therapist she trusted. The second one was taking a DBT program seriously. A third one was an easy part-time job (like dog walking) while keeping all her therapy appointments. As she became more stable, she was able to build momentum and do things that previously seemed impossible, such as getting up in the morning, showering and keeping her living space tidy. Your daughter is older, and maybe she can handle more than that, but by the same token, surely she has more stress as a single mom. I can hardly imagine how difficult that must be, let alone coping with untreated BPD. And an acrimonious divorce (even if it’s partly because of her) is even more stressful. That could derail anyone, and would feel an order of magnitude more difficult for someone with BPD, based on what I’ve observed.

I wish you strength and peace.