New Stepmom to 28-yo w/ DID diagnosis and BPD characteristics

[imageek]

Family background: my husband and I married in Sept. 2016 after dating for 1.5 years and an 8 year professional relationship.  He had been divorced for 10 years after being married to a mentally ill woman who refused to seek help for 20 years.  They had 3 daughters together and his ex-wife had a daughter from a previous marriage who was 4 when they met, and whom my husband raised as his own.  3 weeks prior to the wedding, my husband's eldest biological daughter attempted suicide and was hospitalized for 3 weeks (1 week in acute care and 2 weeks in an inpatient trauma unit) followed by 3 weeks of acute outpatient care, during which she moved back in with us.  I will call her Mary (not her real name).

My husband's ex-wife had brutally abused the 3 youngest girls while my husband was at work and the stepdaughter attended school.  The worst abuse occurred while the girls were 3, 4, and 5.  This was a period of time when my husband recalls his ex-wife sharing memories of abuse she suffered as a child, and confiding that she was afraid she might hurt their children.  Over a period of time lasting days/weeks, he repeatedly "talked her down" from these fears, asked her to seek therapy (which she refused, citing fears of electric shock therapy), sought (ineffective) counseling at their church, told his ex-wife if he ever found out there was abuse, he would take the kids and leave her, and researched his options.  He gently questioned each of the 4 girls individually during their regularly occurring "daddy daughter dates" to see if mommy ever got really mad, spanked too hard or not on the butt, etc.  Of course, all 4 girls answered no to all his questions.  Without proof of abuse, if he filed for divorce he would not be granted physical custody with the girls so young, plus the oldest was not his biologically.  His ex-wife would likely move the girls to her parents 4 hours away where he would barely see them plus he wouldn't be able to protect the girls if there was any abuse.  He had zero experience with mental health, he was working 100 hours a week to keep up with his ex-wife's shopping addiction, counting on the church to help them through the crisis, plus sleep-deprived most of the time from talking his ex-wife down until the wee hours of the morning.  He bided his time.  When the girls turned 13, 14, and 15 (and old enough for the court to let them decide custody) he was finally able to divorce his ex-wife and move the girls to a stable environment.  She now lives 4 hours away and has almost no contact with any of the girls, except once every couple of years when she needs something ($$, pity, etc.)

When Mary was 23, she recovered repressed memories of the abuse and confronted her father with them.  Mary called her sisters who remembered the abuse also and lots of family meetings ensued.  Together, they talked and hugged things out, and the girls went to individual therapy.  My husband was satisfied that the girls were getting help, and that they understood that he couldn't protect them from what he didn't know.  We discovered this was not the case when she attempted suicide right before the wedding.

After the suicide attempt, my husband and I started couples counseling and it was our therapist who recognized BPD symptoms and set me on the path that led me here.  When someone asked Mary in the acute care facility if she saw a possible future in which she could be happy, her response was, "Either I kill myself or I kill all of you.  In a house fire."  While sweeping her finger around the room and pointing at my husband, her sister, her sister's bf, and myself.  When our therapist told me there was a book titled "I hate you, don't leave me" I said that described Mary perfectly.

After the 3 weeks of outpatient therapy, Mary made the decision to live 3 hours away with a close friend.  3 weeks ago, that changed when Mary and her friend had a falling out (not surprising) and Mary moved back home.  It's been a crazy roller coaster ride since then.  Prior to the wedding, Mary and I were best buds - shopping, mani/pedis together, lots of bonding.  Now I'm the vilest stepmonster you ever heard of.  So far I've been accused of "constant fat shaming" among other things.  Her only example was the one time I said, "Hmmm" the wrong way.  I have since watched a video that used "Hmmm" in a certain context as an example of unintentional invalidation so I'm learning.  I've been able to successfully use some of the tools I've learned to defuse some situations.

Mary has been in constant therapy since last Aug.  She sees a therapist (via Skype now) 2 hours a week who gave her a DID diagnosis 3 weeks ago.  We have since learned that one of her alters is a 4-yo and that one of them is a murderer (of people and animals).  We have heard that we deserve to burn in a house fire once during a rampage in the last 3 weeks. 

Last night she got stupid drunk and unloaded on my husband, telling him he was AT LEAST 50% responsible for what happened.  She acted like a 4-yo and was irrational, illogical, and verbally abusive to my husband.  This morning we received several parasuicidal threats from Mary but IMHO they are not serious after having done some additional reading re: suicide threats.  She's in the house and not speaking to us.

She has agreed to family therapy but has taken no action towards it.  I write cards to her on days when I don't see her much and assure her that we're prepared to help her and support her while she recovers and heals.  She is looking into disability and we've told her she's welcome to live with us as long as it takes to recover (and we know this could be a decade).  But family therapy is a requirement so that boundaries and parameters for living together in the same house can be established and adhered to.  We learned (after the fact) that covering her medical expenses (she was unemployed and had no health insurance when she attempted suicide) and paying off some of her debt were enabling behavior on our part.  We are continuing our own therapy to make sure we stick to our end of the bargain and not fall back to enabling behaviors in the future.

Sorry so long.  We will be seeing our therapist next week but I have two immediate concerns:

1.  The DID diagnosis.  I've been doing some reading and am aware of the controversy surrounding this diagnosis.  DID doesn't begin to explain all of her symptoms.  Her behavior only makes sense when I'm reading about BPD.  I know there could be a comorbidity, and/or that the therapist is already aware of the BPD and treating it concurrently.  Should I be concerned that her therapist is a quack or that if the BPD is undiagnosed and only DID being treated, the outcome of treatment could be worse?

2.  The violent threats and a murderous alter.  Are my husband and I safe in the same house?  Intellectually, I feel the odds are small and the reading I've done confirms this, but I still have nightmares.  I was getting ready to adopt 2 new kittens this weekend (had to euthanize my 18-yo kitty last month) and now I'm unsure whether it's a good idea, given she has an alter who has supposedly murdered animals in the past.

Any advice or feedback appreciated.  Thank you so much for reading this, it was cathartic just posting it   

[livednlearned]

Hi imageek,

Your family is dealing with a lot -- and you are being so compassionate and understanding, while trying to balance your own concerns (that are significant). I'm glad you posted and shared what you're going through.

Should I be concerned that her therapist is a quack or that if the BPD is undiagnosed and only DID being treated, the outcome of treatment could be worse?

I'm not schooled in DID, though this thread about SO's D19 and her disassociating may be helpful (Sunfl0wer links to some slides about the spectrum of disassociation across BPD and DID, and talks about how it impacts her).

Maybe others will weigh in.

Are my husband and I safe in the same house?

I don't have a good answer about the likelihood of an alter carrying out her intention, but I do think that having strong boundaries about potential adverse behaviors is wise, not only for you, but for her too, regardless of her correct dx. She likely feels very out of control and lacks a strong sense of self, so when you provide strong boundaries, this (on some level) creates a feeling of safety. She may understand she is not capable of curbing her impulses and could find relief knowing that you are taking precautions, even if she can not articulate it all the time and even actively work against these boundaries.

One thought about the step parent role, and living together.

For me, I tread lightly here. SO's D19 is looking to attach to me, hard. When she is here, it does not take long before I am tested, something that usually involves a projection of her mom onto me, or an attempt to create an alliance of us against her dad, or, more commonly, constant testing of her dad by making him choose between her and me.

If you step daughter does move in, it's worth looking up "Karpman drama triangle" so you can recognize it when it's happening and remove yourself from a dynamic almost guaranteed to stir up drama and potentially destabilize your relationship with your H.

D19 has mentioned a few times that she thinks of me as her mom, and for my own mental well-being (and having had a step son in my previous marriage), I carefully hold onto my role as someone who is kind and caring and a good listener, but not her mom. I think it is better for her if I remain LnL and not a substitute for a primary caregiver, especially given that her mom is BPD and she is likely to transfer mom stuff onto me.

Also, your SD23 drinks. You may want to consider a boundary where sobriety is a condition of living with you.

I know it seems harsh to have boundaries for someone traumatically abused by her own mom  but we do them and ourselves no favors without these boundaries. Without them, the lack of control can feel scary.

[imageek]

Thanks so much for your insight, LnL.  My H and I read your comments, then did a lot of soul searching this weekend.  Shortly after my post, SD28 left to stay with friends for a few days .  We are still working on it, but my H and I made a list of boundaries, our responses if they are crossed, what we are prepared to enforce, etc.  Sobriety, respect (ie, no verbal abuse), and family therapy as conditions of living with us are on the list, thanks in part to your advice.  Limit setting is so-o-o difficult for us.  She's in so much pain and my husband feels crushing guilt for not knowing about the abuse that we just want to do whatever is in our power to take her pain away.  It doesn't help that she constantly uses that guilt against him, shredding him to the bone.  Plus he has to unlearn some coping strategies he developed to deal with his uBPD ex-wife's behavior.  I have my own dysfunction to deal with also - my alcoholic father committed suicide 12 years ago (and I was in T for 2 years to deal with it).  But we're learning, and your advice made it hit home.  We are not doing her any favors by walking on eggshells and trying not to do or say anything to upset her.   My H and I previously discussed her drinking when she first moved back in with us several weeks ago, and her dad was reluctant to address it outside of family therapy due to her volatility.  He gets 100% of her anger b/c her uBPD mom is not around and he is.  But the blowup made it obvious that parasuicidal threats are likely to become a regular occurrence no matter what we do, so we need to set limits for all of our sakes.  This site has given us many helpful tips we plan to use to ease the process.  Watching her devolve from abused to abuser was pretty damn scary.

Re: the DID, I've decided we have no option but to trust in the T she's seeing.  I really hope the T encourages family therapy and is able to see through all the misperceptions she has painted of her family.  She has a pattern of unstable relationships (she's living with us because she and her best friend had a blowup after rooming together for 2.5 months) and boyfriends change by the week, so I believe that we can provide her the most stable environment to give her the best chance at healing.  I'm sure her T is competent - I think my frustration is partly due to being in the dark.  It was very scary having her announce that she has DID and one of her alters is a "murderer" while she is living in the house.  I would love some guidance from her T on how to deal with this.  I haven't noticed the "robot" affect from your other post but I'm just beginning to learn about dissociation so I'll keep an eye out. 

I know what you're saying about attachment and transferring mom stuff to me, I've been feeling that hard from the beginning of our relationship.  She attached to me the strongest of the four Ds, but partly we thought it was due to proximity since she lived with her dad when we first started dating.  I was unable to have children so falling into that primary caregiver role is very, very tempting and I've probably already crossed that line.  Her animosity towards my H has made it difficult for him to continue in that role - for example, when D28 was in inpatient care she gave me (and her youngest sister) disclosure rights to her medical care so I could speak to her T directly but not her father.  Therefore, we were in all of her discharge meetings but not her dad.  I can now see how we've continued the pattern of me taking on a stronger caregiving role in the months since.  Partly because it's easier for me to deal with, having not lived through the relationship with her uBPD mom.  Thanks for the warning, it will definitely be something I bring up with my own T.  And since the suicide attempt I am maybe starting to see some transference happening.  I looked up Karman drama triangle, very enlightening.  It highlights how easy it is for her dad and I to fall into the rescuer/enabling trap. 

SD28 has claimed in the past that her T has recommended against family therapy.  That her T says her family is toxic and she should go NC.  She claims another T from when she was discharged from the inpatient unit said that we are unfit parents.  I find this difficult to believe, we're not perfect but this sounds unprofessional for a T to say without knowing us.  The T from 5 months ago when she was discharged from the inpatient unit DID say that SD28 was not ready for family therapy yet, that she needed individual therapy first.  SD28 has said she does not believe she can live with us AND attend family therapy at the same time, that she will need her space for cooling off.  When she stays with us, she has her own space in the basement w/living area, fridge, bathroom, and bedroom and we rarely need to go downstairs so she does have a lot of privacy when she's here.  However, we completely understand her point of view on this, and we agree that living independently while going through family therapy would be easier on all of us.  However, she is currently having a hard time holding down a job and she has nowhere to live.  I don't have confidence that she will be able to be on her own and follow through with family therapy. 

Is it possible that she is still not ready for family therapy?  I have no idea how long someone with her history would typically need individual therapy before dealing with family issues, but she's been doing 2 hours/week for the last 5 months, including several EMDR sessions.   Is it possible she has her T bamboozled and the T really thinks we're toxic?  Or that, given her animosity towards her father, living with us (with conditions/boundaries) is NOT in her best interest?  What do we do if she crashes and burns, shows up on our doorstep, and still claims that her T says she's not ready for family therapy?  My thought is to respond, "Then we're sorry but if you're not ready for family therapy then you're not ready to live in the same house with us."  Is this the best response?  My H wants to give her enough funds at that point to pay for one month's rent.  Since she has not worked f/t in the last 5 months, her dad has been making her car and insurance payments for her.  Her p/t job gives her spending $$.  Given that she spends much of her spending $$ on alcohol, he is also going to tell her that he will only be making one more month's payments.  Thoughts?  We really struggle with knowing where to draw the lines. We're seeing our T in a few days, but any advice before then is surely appreciated.

[livednlearned]

H and I made a list of boundaries, our responses if they are crossed, what we are prepared to enforce, etc.  Sobriety, respect (ie, no verbal abuse), and family therapy as conditions of living with us are on the list

 
It could also be that your boundary is more nuanced. For example, perhaps your boundary is that she is welcome to stay at your place when she needs a place to decompress, but house rules are that there is to be no drinking or drunken behavior, and if there is verbal abuse, you will xyz (needs to be something you can enforce, like "walk away until the episode has passed" or some action you can stand behind). So, you recognize that she drinks to manage anxiety (dysfunctional but temporarily effective), but not at your house.

If the boundary is that she must leave, then be prepared to actually have her removed, otherwise she will see that her escalation worked to override your boundaries. If she threatens suicide, have a plan for that, too. There are two good books that walk through these kinds of scenarios -- Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr (hope I'm remembering those correctly).

It doesn't help that she constantly uses that guilt against him, shredding him to the bone.

One piece of advice from the Porr book (I think... .) is, when an adult child is rehashing old wounds, to acknowledge her pain and gently and firmly refuse to dwell, either by ending the conversation (e.g. walking away, with reassurance that you will be back after your time-out) or something like, "You are hurt, understandably so -- anyone would be having gone through what you did. I hear that you are in pain, and I am willing to talk about this with a trained therapist who can help me learn how best to respond. Would you like me to try and find someone we can talk to?" Or something like that.

With my SO's D19, I noticed it was possible to validate too much, almost egging her deeper into an emotional dysregulation. I also found validating questions helped me stay in my lane while acknowledging hers, so that I didn't overreach or enable her to dwell and become even more emotionally aroused.

Watching her devolve from abused to abuser was pretty damn scary.

I understand. I imagine it's scary for her, too  There is probably a part of her that feels she deserved the abuse, that she did something to cause it, in the myopic way that children see the world. And she is probably stuck there. To avoid the catastrophic depression, she probably has to lash out in order to avoid feeling the severity of those self-loathing feelings.

We have a tough role, trying to be compassionate about the suffering, while also protecting ourselves from the dysfunctional behaviors. It's not easy, but there are useful skills that can help you stay anchored in strong winds.

I really hope the T encourages family therapy and is able to see through all the misperceptions she has painted of her family.

I wonder if the T is building a therapeutic alliance? Your SD may be in that phase of therapy, where the T is validating her feelings -- this is about acknowledging her pain and hurt, and less about agreeing on the accuracy of what she says is true. It's a subtle but important line. After the relationship is built on trust, there may be more reality testing from the T when your SD is ready. And it's also likely that therapy will reactivate strong emotion she needs to manage first before being strong enough for family therapy. Is your T helping you make sense of this? Would SD allow you to have a family session with her T?

I know that SO's D19 said mean things about me based on her distortions and it's really tough to be maligned like that.

I know what you're saying about attachment and transferring mom stuff to me, I've been feeling that hard from the beginning of our relationship.

I think anyone compassionate would feel the urge to nurture someone so traumatized. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured and drained by these relationships, so it's more about keeping your cup full -- not just preventing it from being empty. Make sure you replenish yourself, and that your relationship with your H is your priority so that the two of you have the strength to weather SD's storms.

You may be able to give more to your SD than I could with D19, there is no hard and fast line. For me, SO and I have been together 4+ years and started living together this year. I have a challenging son with a father who has a PD, so my self-care is based on those variables. And it took a lot of hard work to figure out what was too much, what was just right. I think it's great that you and your H are in therapy together and can be checks and balances for each other.

Is it possible that she is still not ready for family therapy?  

It's going to take her as long as it takes her   It's really brave of her to be doing this. Given her history, this might be the best she can do right now.

Is it possible she has her T bamboozled and the T really thinks we're toxic?

The T is probably acknowledging the pain and hurt SD feels, and her anger toward her dad. And, if you think about it, your H feels this, too. It's what makes him feel guilty. I don't mean that he/you are toxic, only that the intensity of the emotions are such that it's probably hard to see the situation in a fully empathic way, perhaps for both sides, his and hers. Often, we feel most hurt by things that are in some way true, but we haven't resolved it for ourselves yet, or grieved it and made peace with it.

For your H, as a dad, it's probably even harder to acknowledge the pain of not protecting a child. On the other hand, what could be more complex than protecting a child from her own parent? It's the big leagues. There are a lot of powerful emotions on both sides and while the label "toxic" is disparaging, perhaps the T is recognizing that more needs to happen with SD before she can work effectively on feelings she has about her dad.

given her animosity towards her father, living with us (with conditions/boundaries) is NOT in her best interest?

I would think that has to do with how you are feeling -- she is going to dysregulate and get triggered and lash out. That's probably a given. So what she does has to do with how much you can tolerate in both directions. And to some extent, how realistically you can enforce boundaries that are important to you.

What do we do if she crashes and burns, shows up on our doorstep, and still claims that her T says she's not ready for family therapy?  My thought is to respond, "Then we're sorry but if you're not ready for family therapy then you're not ready to live in the same house with us."  Is this the best response?

She is going to crash and burn and resist going to family therapy, if only to test the boundary. That would be my guess, anyway.

If you feel it's best for her to live with you, then your boundary might be that you remove yourself from the conversation when it becomes abusive and give yourself a "timeout," and let her know the conditions for having that conversation.

There is no right or wrong to what boundary you have. It's mostly about preparing for the boundary to be tested and having a plan to assert it in a kind and loving yet firm way.

My H wants to give her enough funds at that point to pay for one month's rent.  Since she has not worked f/t in the last 5 months, her dad has been making her car and insurance payments for her.  Her p/t job gives her spending $$.  Given that she spends much of her spending $$ on alcohol, he is also going to tell her that he will only be making one more month's payments.  Thoughts?  We really struggle with knowing where to draw the lines. We're seeing our T in a few days, but any advice before then is surely appreciated.

This makes sense. How you say this is probably as important as what you say. For example, "Going to therapy is so brave and I admire how hard you are working. I imagine it creates a lot of anxiety and I know how alcohol numbs that anxiety. Unfortunately, it causes these other behaviors and might prevent deeper healing in your therapy. I want to support your healthy choices and giving you money for alcohol goes against that. How can we solve this so that you have a way to manage your anxiety and I don't enable your drinking?"

Also (and sorry for the giant response  , when it comes to feeling guilt about not protecting a child... .For what it's worth, I was in my son's life and not only wasn't I able to protect him, I didn't even try. I actually protected his dad  Whenever my ex raged at our son, I would wait until things blew over and then explain to my son that dad acted that way because he had a hard childhood and a mean mom.

I mean, gah.

There is only one way through this stuff and that is to lean in and feel it, and grieve it, and when that happens, it will dial down in intensity so that we can allow our kids to feel their feelings without our own getting in the way. Dialectics are helpful here, two seemingly opposite things that can both be true: we did our best, and we can do better. When we step into that truth, it shows our kids that there is a way forward, that we can repair and recover these awful hurts and still be in a loving relationship with healthy boundaries.