First Post

[Ttbwrn]

I am make, 43, codependent (recent self discovery) and have been in 4 serious relationships in my life (all BPD partners). I don’t know why I am attracted to these relationships - the extreme fantasy and idealization are a drug to me. My last relationship ended 7 weeks ago (26 months) and it was an extremely traumatic experience. So much bad, trauma and pain. Yet the rumination about my ex is like nothing I have ever experienced and it’s honestly the most painful experience of my life. I imagine it as being like drug detox - not to minimize that experience. I am in therapy, I’m reading and living a healthy life. I have been no contact for 7 weeks but I want the rumination and fantasy to stop. I need to heal and move on and I don’t know why it’s soooo difficult this time. I would love any advice and tips that could be offered. I can share more details for context if needed. Thank you

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family; I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.  Since this is your 4th experience with a BPD partner, you already know how difficult this can be physically and mentally.  But you also know that at some point, you're going to realize that the relationship wasn't healthy or stable.

Why is this time different?  I think every BPD relationship plays out differently, even if they have so much stuff in common.  To me, it's very sad for everyone involved and there are no "winners" when things start to fall apart.

It's great that you're in therapy and working towards a new future; it sounds like you're doing all the right things.  More than anything, your heart just needs time to process what you've been through.

With that said, please feel free to talk out anything you want- what happened, how you're feeling, where you're struggling, etc.  It helps so much at times just to vent and be around others who get it.  We really are a family here and I hope you'll take advantage of that.

[Under The Bridge]

It is indeed hard going after breaking up with a BPD. Contradicting feelings like knowing in your heart that the relationship was toxic while at the same time still wanting to be with the person.

The time for stopping rumination can vary massively - in my case I was quite happy to end things but spent a lot of time still thinking about her and, I suppose, wishing she'd have a miraculous 'turn about' and contact me as a normal, mentally healthy person. Such is the spell they cast.

It will fade though, just keep on with your own life and interests. You had a life before you met the BPD and you can have one after.  If thoughts of them with another partner are causing ruminations then realise that they will treat them exactly as they treated you. Nobody is the 'White Knight'; the only difference will be how long the new partner puts up with it before also leaving.

Stay strong and best wishes.