My daughter with BPD has 2 young boys

[AllIcando]

I am so happy to have found you all! I have known my daughters whole life that something was different about her behavior. Now at 25 she was diagnosed. About a week before he cut me off she shared this diagnosis with me. About 6 weeks ago she got very angry about my husband, her stepfather of 16 years. They have always been at odds personality wise. He gets very anxious when she is around due to her unpredictable behavior/attitude. She told me that because I allow him to treat her poorly she wants neither of us around her or her 2 young boys. I have had a very close relationship with her for most of the last 3 years. Most of her life she favored her father over me and chose his side until recently. I have been very close to my grandsons since they were born. Now I am “a bad influence” on them and she doesn’t want her boys around disrespect and bad parenting. The night of this latest argument she told me her boyfriend of about a month was moving into her house with his 2 young kids. She she has cut me out of her life completely. She has blocked me from all social media and is quitting her job to avoid me. She will not respond to my text messages and refuses to have a conversation with me. She is in therapy, last I knew. I haven’t tried to contact her in about a week. I am thinking I should give her some space to calm down. I can’t imagine living a life without a relationship with my daughter and her children.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm very familiar with the dynamic because my BPD stepdaughter is a young adult too, and she plays the parents and stepparents off one another.  If she doesn't get what she wants with one parent, she'll punish them with estrangement and then turn to the other parent for support.  When she was younger, she used to swap houses frequently.  Fortunately, she lives on her own now, so there's less resentment and disruption with the house swap routine.  Having stepparents in the mix only increases the possibilities for finding reasons to be upset.

If you take a look at the boards, you will quickly see that the behavior of untreated BPD is fairly predictable:  volatile relationships, unstable living situations, estrangement, tantrums, using kids as pawns, job instability.  That probably doesn't make you feel better though.  However, I will say that this is NOT YOUR FAULT, it's BPD.  If your daughter has a tantrum, take it as a sign that she's very stressed out right now.  I find that the best way to handle a tantrum is to give her an adult time out, meaning time and space to cool off.  Try not to interrupt her time out!  Don't beg her to come back to you, or beg her to let you see the kids--that only perpetuates the behavior, because she sees she's getting a rise out of you, and that her "punishment" is working.

All the best to you.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  CC43 is correct, just from your title, I pretty much guessed your story and how it was playing out.  It's incredibly sad that these relationships all devolve in the same way consistently.  Your story is my story as well.

I think you're correct in giving your kid some space and allowing her to figure this out on her own.  The new boyfriend likely caused this newest rift...not that he did anything wrong, but because he's currently her favorite person that can do no wrong.  So she's casting out everyone she doesn't need to focus on this new relationship.

It's incredibly unfair, but that's BPD in a nutshell.  Give this some time and focus on your own mental health as much as possible.  It's terrible not being able to see the grandkids but that's just for right now.

[BPDstinks]

My heart goes out to you!  My granddaughters' mother (not ANY relation to me, which makes it harder, because I only know THESE episodes (I did not know her, personally, prior) does this ALL the time; she will randomally block me on FB or text, say, "I don't know when you can see kids again (this past time, she said 2 months, than messaged & asked if I would keep them for the weekend (on a practical level, it is hard for me to make plans, because I used to have them EVERY weekend) I try to remind myself it is her mental health, however, my heart always goes out to the kids

[Sancho]

Hi AllIcandoo
It is devastating when this happens. We are so involved in our grandchildren's lives then, without any warning they are cut off from us. It's natural that we go over in our heads what has happened to find why.

One sentence you wrote stuck in my mind:

The night of this latest argument she told me her boyfriend of about a month was moving into her house with his 2 young kids.

It has happened to me so many times. DD forms a new relationship with someone who has children and off DD goes, taking GD with her. It seems to be a drive to make a family unit of her own. Deep down my DD hates the fact that she depends on me quite a lot and she keeps trying to move to independence. It is always a ‘woosh!’ type of thing.

The turmoil has been pretty bad. DD tries to be best buddies with partners children, which her own child resents etc etc.

I think all your DD’s ‘reasons’ for isolating the children are not something for you to take on board. It has been fine for the children to spend time with you etc – the new thing is that the new boyfriend with children are moving/have moved in.

Her mind is focused on this and DD has put together a bag of reasons to put a barrier around her new relationship. DD is wanting all the attention of the new partner to focus on her and the children.

You mention giving DD some space to calm down. I think space is a good idea, but I think the key to it is to APPEAR as though you are not affected by this decision. In other words I think when you do text to just have a light comment about something rather than wanting to express your true feelings or try to get DD to discuss things.

It is early days yet. I think it’s important to a) not take on board what DD gave as her reasons for this change because it is clearly not the reason, b) try to feel a ‘separateness’ between you and DD (I think BPD people pick up big time on our need to have them in our lives) and c) when you text make sure you are giving the impression of that separateness.

I am so sorry this has happened for you and your grandchildren. I remember the first time it happened to me – I was overcome with anxiety. Now I am able to see patterns it is much easier.

[AllIcando]

I m battling with anger for her ruining my relationship with my grandsons. At the same time I feel like if she is happier with me gone I should honor that. At the same time if she has BPD I should be patient. Any advice on how to handle this roller coaster of emotions.

[Pook075]

I m battling with anger for her ruining my relationship with my grandsons. At the same time I feel like if she is happier with me gone I should honor that. At the same time if she has BPD I should be patient. Any advice on how to handle this roller coaster of emotions.

Absolutely- accept a few plain truths.

1) You're responsible for you.  She's responsible for her.  And you always come first when she's not treating you well.

2)  Stop validating the invalid.  When you do talk, tell her you love her and are always rooting for her.  But when she's abusive, walk away and temporarily cut off communication.

3)  Part of her "cutting you off" is for you to beg her back into your life.  It's manipulation.  So read the first two points again...don't play that game!

4)  Consider therapy for yourself, just to talk this stuff out with someone local that understands.  They'll help you game-plan with proper tools to deal with this kind of relationship.  You can do that here too, but having someone face to face makes a big difference.