What happens next after break up and monkey-branching

[carterstayin]

There is a girl (same age 34) who has been in my life since 2022. During the first six months of that year, we flirted, hung out, and had a great time. Afterward, she briefly got back with her ex-boyfriend, from whom she had been separated for a short time. They've been together for about 11 years, and from what I've heard and what she has said herself, they are in an incredibly toxic relationship. They are constantly in a cycle of breaking up and making up.

There were several instances when both her friends and she herself told me that the guy was a narcissist. A few months after we ended our flirtation in June 2022, the two of them got married. During the time they were married, I couldn't make sense of what was happening because, in light of everything I had been told, I had done my best to make great memories with this girl. After their marriage, we continued to meet and talk. By the way, their wedding date was November 2022. In May 2023, we kissed. Then, the summer passed with minimal communication. Later, between September and December 2023, our communication significantly increased, and the she decided to separate and divorce. During this period, she was entirely in contact with me. We went on vacation — yes, I know, very awful move — and she told me she just wanted to be with me. She shared everything about her previous relationship. She told me how she had been cheated on, that she had experienced mild abuse, and that her partner had never respected her. In May 2024, they fully divorced and separated.

After the separation, our relationship began. Classic borderline honeymoon period. Everything was perfect, and she kept saying that I was the chosen one for her, etc. Over time, we faced her ex-husband once. I didn’t see him, but my girlfriend saw her ex-husband with another girl. As our relationship progressed, her ex-husband began to make efforts to remind her of himself around November 2024. My girlfriend met with her ex-husband without informing me, and then she said they talked about not seeing each other again and that everything was over. They met 5 months after their divorce! Just before the New Year 2025, she told me that she wanted some time alone, saying that being in relationship with me after her divorce was wrong. On New Year's Day, I went with her and her whole family for a day trip, and the very next day, she said she needed some time to clear her mind. A week later, I told her I wanted to see her, and we met, and that "resting her head" period ended. Then, on January 20, she came to stay at my place, and again, she talked about the same issues. We slept that night, and after I woke up, I checked her WhatsApp on her computer, and yes, I caught her talking to her ex-husband. There were semi-nude photos, endearments like "my ex-husband," and conversations about whether she had someone new in her life. We argued, and she told me she didn’t think these things were an issue and that her marriage ended because of me. A few days later, we met at a mutual friend's birthday, and when I asked her if everything was really over, she said yes, we broke up. The date was January 24, 2025. We haven't seen each other since that day.

After the breakup, of course, I felt terrible due to trauma bonding. We didn’t talk for a week, but since I was in contact with her whole family, I was still getting updates. Later, she sent me a somewhat spoiled message asking how I was, but I didn’t reply. The next day, she had some questions about the things we were working on together, and I gave very brief responses. I already knew that she had gotten back with her ex-husband. Then, both her and my birthdays passed. During this time, I learned that she had told her family and friends that she was back with her ex-husband and would try again. During this time, neither her family nor anyone in her circle likes her ex-husband at all and believes that they should never be together. Even when they got married, both her family and her circle were completely against the marriage. Additionally, after she broke up with me and said she was going to get back with her ex-husband and try again, her family completely distanced themselves from her both financially and emotionally. At this point, I should mention that she is in a huge amount of debt, both to banks and to acquaintances and her family. She talked about how she is an individual, can live the way she wants, and that no one should interfere with her life. She had arguments with her family because of this, and at one point, she even applied some form of violence towards her cousin.

On her birthday, I didn’t send her a message, and she didn’t send one to me either. After that, she sent a few more messages regarding our work.

Then, March came. She always started the first conversation, and I only gave short and direct answers. After that, 15 days passed with complete no contact. We didn’t communicate at all. During this time, she asked one of our mutual friends how I was doing, etc., and this friend conveyed to her that I thought she had gotten back with her ex-husband, which upset and surprised her a lot. At this point, she had even erased from her memory the fact that I had read the WhatsApp messages with her ex-husband on her phone. She seemed to be in a black-and-white situation regarding it. Additionally, she kept asking her circle what kind of surprise I was preparing for her birthday. After this 15-day no contact phase, she started talking to me again. From March 20th until today, she has messaged me 7 out of 9 days about work, etc. She even sent this emoji

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[carterstayin]

She even sent this emoji

She even sent this emoji head within red hearts two or three times. One night, she sent a message and deleted it. She said she was going to ask something and when I suggested she ask it then on next day, she said she couldn’t ask at that moment. As I mentioned, she has sent me messages in some form every day, and right after the break-up, she sent me a photo of the cat we had adopted for her new house after divorce. Two days ago, she said she would leave my jacket and sweater with a friend and that I could pick them up from there. She also told me she wanted her pants that I had left behind. Additionally, I had written letters expressing my feelings for her over the years, and I had prepared individual notes for each day I spent with her to give her on her birthday. I had also bought her a diamond ring that she really wanted – I sold the ring, but the certificate is still with me. Besides these, I also have many special items that belong to both of us. I want to return them to her, but I'm not sure.

Of course, she is receiving therapy, and at one point, she was even on medication, but she stopped taking it. However, in her therapy sessions, she is probably just lying because it seems like she hasn’t benefited from the therapy at all over the past two years.

I learned that she's probably a classic borderline after discovering this subreddit. All of these actions are probably part of charming, but what I’m curious about is this: Did our mutual friend mentioning that I suspected she had gotten back with her ex-husband trigger her fear of abandonment? What could her next behavior pattern be?

[once removed]

you dont need bpd to explain what you can chock up to a case of human nature.

simply put, you have been chasing an emotionally unavailable person, who has what you can call "an unresolved previous relationship".

such cases tend to follow similar paths.

its like a roller coaster. shes on and off again with the guy. as you said, they have a very long history.

you cant compete with that; no one can. it really has to play itself out, and take its course.

you can, however, climb onto the roller coaster, and get thrown for the ride. that is essentially what youve chosen to do, because something about it is attractive to you (presumably, part of it is the uncertainty, and part of it is the potential payoff).

trying to game out her moves in a way that sounds promising for you, is more of that. but this is a ship you are not steering, and cant steer.

with that in mind, what do you want to see happen here? do you want to be with her? do you want to step away? you can clarify these things for yourself (we can help), and when you do that, your own next steps can become a lot simpler.

[carterstayin]

Thank you for replying first off all.

I've been reading BPDlovedones on reddit, searching this Cluster-B on Quora etc.

"you cant compete with that; no one can. it really has to play itself out, and take its course."


Yes, after we broke up in January and she mentioned getting back together with her ex-spouse, everyone around her started to distance themselves and kept their interactions to a minimum. They are not establishing any kind of emotional closeness and are trying to convey the message that they are not there for her. Because even when they were on the verge of getting married, they always had negative thoughts about this relationship and this man.

"its like a roller coaster. shes on and off again with the guy. as you said, they have a very long history."
What you're saying is very true and something I'm aware of. Of course, there is also the statement she previously made to me that "I had to marry with him and experience this to break up completely with him", but unfortunately, as time goes by, many of the things she said lose their significance. Like she seemed me as superhero and the "one"

Actually, despite everything she has done to me and everything that has happened, I think I want to be with her again. I am aware that I am not the person who belongs to her cycle. When she decided to break up with me, she said she was always going through the same cycle, being with someone else after a breakup, and that it was wrong to be with me after her divorce. And of course, she blamed me for the end of her marriage but later on she blamed everybody around her especially her mother.

However, after she said she was breaking up with me in a long WhatsApp message, I didn't say anything to her. I just sent a message saying ‘okay, thank you.’ And I want to clarify to her that I really know if she is with her ex-spouse. Because she thinks I don't know this truth, and when she learns something about it, I believe that's why she gets surprised and then starts talking to me about Facebook ads or another business-related topic. Perhaps because I haven't responded to her in months and haven't tried to re-enter her life, which I never treat her like this way before, she may have internalized this as a fear of abandonment. Maybe what I need is a clear closure: to give her all of her things that I have, to lay out all the letters I wrote for her, and then say I'm leaving. Does this trigger her emotions? I don't know, however I know that she is curious about what surprise I planned for her on her birthday, because she mentioned it to a mutual friend. Her birthday was February 15. And all of this contact period started after she learned that i know she is back again with her ex-spouse.

[once removed]

would it be fair to say:

- that you miss that sense of feeling like a superhero
- that you want to "let her have it" so to speak, chew her out, say your piece
- youre trying to come up with a way to trigger her emotions that prompts her to come back to you?

[carterstayin]

would it be fair to say:

- that you miss that sense of feeling like a superhero
- that you want to "let her have it" so to speak, chew her out, say your piece
- youre trying to come up with a way to trigger her emotions that prompts her to come back to you?

Did I miss having a superhero feeling? I guess so. But after we broke up, I somehow managed to do everything related to work, whether it was something she couldn't do. Before we broke up, we used to work together as a team of three: me, her, and her friend. Of course, she could ask her friend the questions she had or the problems she encountered, but she always preferred to ask me. I know she's on vacation with her boyfriend this weekend, but still, in the evening, she probably wondered if I was at my computer and sent me a question related the Instagram/Facebook Ads. Additionally, I learned that for months, she had been tracking my spending on my meal card, and her mother told me.

As for your questions, do I miss the superhero feeling? I think yes, but I guess I miss her more when I look at the story we've had for all these years. It's almost been 90 days since we last saw each other, and I think, deep down, I want to fully agree with your last question. Even though I know how badly it might end, for me.

[carterstayin]

Did I miss having a superhero feeling? I guess so. But after we broke up, I somehow managed to do everything related to work, whether it was something she couldn't do. Before we broke up, we used to work together as a team of three: me, her, and her friend. Of course, she could ask her friend the questions she had or the problems she encountered, but she always preferred to ask me. I know she's on vacation with her boyfriend this weekend, but still, in the evening, she probably wondered if I was at my computer and sent me a question related the Instagram/Facebook Ads. Additionally, I learned that for months, she had been tracking my spending on my meal card, and her mother told me.

As for your questions, do I miss the superhero feeling? I think yes, but I guess I miss her more when I look at the story we've had for all these years. It's almost been 90 days since we last saw each other, and I think, deep down, I want to fully agree with your last question. Even though I know how badly it might end, for me.

Also her mother believed that she is trying not to cut off communication with me. Because I know her, I actually know this that she's curious about how I feel and what I've been doing. Because unfortunately, even when she was married, while I was waiting for her to divorce, I gave her amazing moments. The fact that I'm now giving short responses to what she writes something to me is increasing her curiosity.

[ForeverDad]

Many years ago I married a woman I met and courted.  A week before our wedding I defended her from her angry stepfather.  I thought I saved her.  Months after our married I woke to find her wordlessly cowering under a small table.  I had no idea what the issue was but over time and periodic episodes, I came to realize she had suffered in her childhood.  Again, I thought I had saved her.  Years later, her episodes were increasing in severity and frequency, repeated ups and down, life with her was turning into a sickening endless roller coaster ride.  Finally, I realized I could not save her.  Sadly, our relationship and our marriage ended, though happily my parenting obligations continued.

Your experience and mine are quite different but there are similarities too.  Neither of us can successfully "save" another.  We can support perhaps if appropriate but we can't string along an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship.

Setting aside whether she is seriously disordered or not, she is clearly jumping back and forth in her relationships.  That in itself is not a good sign for you.  And frankly, no one can predict when - or even if - she may straighten out her life.  It would be a shame if you continued, possibly as a distracting third wheel, for years before realizing you should have just Moved On with your life in a more positive direction.

That said, it is good she is in therapy but more is needed.  Besides meaningful therapy, the therapy must be applied in one's life and perceptions.  Evidently she's only doing part of the work.  And you can't do it for her.

[Pook075]

Actually, despite everything she has done to me and everything that has happened, I think I want to be with her again. I am aware that I am not the person who belongs to her cycle. When she decided to break up with me, she said she was always going through the same cycle, being with someone else after a breakup, and that it was wrong to be with me after her divorce. And of course, she blamed me for the end of her marriage but later on she blamed everybody around her especially her mother.

Everyone here respects your choice and we'll gladly help you however we can.

I did want to point out, however, that you're absolutely part of her cycle.  Everything that happened with you/her also happened with her ex husband.  She cheated on him with you, and cheated on you with him.  Likewise, she bad-mouthed him to you, and she probably did the same to him (about you) when she was feeling vulnerable. 

That's the mental illness part of this entire equation, she's unstable and making bad decisions.

If you want to continue the relationship, then it sounds like the door is at least partially open still.  When is her birthday?  Talk to her directly before that.  Since she's planning on you spoiling her, she might not even realize how far the relationship has deteriorated.  Again, that's the mental illness part of this, with her mind being pulled in many directions at the same time.

[carterstayin]

Everyone here respects your choice and we'll gladly help you however we can.

I did want to point out, however, that you're absolutely part of her cycle.  Everything that happened with you/her also happened with her ex husband.  She cheated on him with you, and cheated on you with him.  Likewise, she bad-mouthed him to you, and she probably did the same to him (about you) when she was feeling vulnerable. 

That's the mental illness part of this entire equation, she's unstable and making bad decisions.

If you want to continue the relationship, then it sounds like the door is at least partially open still.  When is her birthday?  Talk to her directly before that.  Since she's planning on you spoiling her, she might not even realize how far the relationship has deteriorated.  Again, that's the mental illness part of this, with her mind being pulled in many directions at the same time.

Her birthday was in February—exactly a week before mine. So that topic kind of passed already. But something strange happened last week.

About 20 days ago, she asked for a pair of pants she had left in my car. I had left them with one of her family members. I also had a coat and a sweater of mine that I had gotten while we were together. She said I could take them back, but I didn’t. Because honestly, I didn’t want to.

Then last Friday, on the night of April 12th around midnight, she texted me. Before that, all our conversations were purely about Facebook ads, as I mentioned—nothing personal at all.

She asked why I hadn’t picked up my things. I told her I simply didn’t want to. Then she said the following (I'm sharing the exact messages):

Her: Why didn’t you get your stuff?
Me: Honestly, I just didn’t want to. It’s been a while anyway—why do you ask?
Her: I wanted to ask, but couldn’t. Never mind.
Me: Why not?
Her: There are many reasons, but now isn’t the right time to ask. Still, I was really curious. They were yours.
Me: Now I’m curious about all those reasons. Can you tell me?
Her: Replying to “Now I’m curious about all those reasons. Can you tell me?” Me, and the things I did.
Me: I think you can go into detail—we can talk openly.
Her: Just assume I didn’t ask. Never mind. I’m sorry for bringing up weird stuff in the middle of the night. Please forget it.
Me: You know I don’t forget things like that. I don’t think it was weird at all. You can ask—actually, I think you should.
Her: No, I’m really not ready to talk about these things—about myself, I mean. I’m sorry. It’s not the right time. I brought up a pointless topic and texted. I’m sorry.

After that, she kept messaging me throughout the week—again, about work stuff. But the small talk continued too, and she kept using heart emojis. I didn’t really sense anything from those messages, but somehow it all felt… real? Though I can’t be sure. Maybe it’s just her usual behavior pattern.

[EyesUp]

"why do you ask" etc - all your responses indicate interest.

That's likely enough for her, at the moment - to confirm your interest.

Of course she doesn't respond to any of your questions. How did that make you feel?

So, for both of you, there is some continuing engagement of sorts. Is that what you want?

[Pook075]

Her: Replying to “Now I’m curious about all those reasons. Can you tell me?” Me, and the things I did.

For someone with BPD, this is often the closest you'll get to an apology when talking about the past.  It shows that she's thought about it and realizes she made mis-steps.  It's not a confession, but a reflection that things maybe could have been different if she chose different actions.

The focus over the clothes- that's a different matter.  She didn't need the jeans, but maybe she was hoping that you'd deliver them and have an in-person conversation.  When that didn't happen, maybe she thought you'd come by to grab your clothes...and wondered why you didn't.  After all, she asked for her jeans back...why didn't you want your stuff?

It was an excuse to meet in person.  However, if she said that and you weren't interested, it left her too vulnerable and in a position to face rejection.  So she remained silent hoping you'd steer things in that direction.

In other words, none of this was about clothing.  She was low-key testing the waters to see if it was time to meet and talk.

[carterstayin]

Wow. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote here. Let me summarize briefly. On April 22 she unexpectedly sent me a message saying she would start psychologist sessions again. She mentioned that she hadn't gone since we broke up. The date we broke up is January 2025. She briefly talked about wanting to be at peace and wanting to overcome her problems. She said she didn't want to struggle in the same cycles anymore. The next evening, she wrote to me again, asking if I had time and wanted to meet. 

Unfortunately, I couldn't remain indifferent due to a big mistake, and I met with her. We talked for about three hours. We actually discussed everything. She talked about the problems she had experienced in recent months and shared her issues. I also talked about my own problems. We covered everything for three hours. Afterwards, we hugged and kissed. What a cycle! I later dropped her off at her home, and we continued messaging. She told me that she loved me, missed me a lot, and that she only felt safe with me. However, she also acknowledged that she had hurt me and said that she needed to be good herself first in order to fix things with me. She mentioned that she didn't feel secure with her current boyfriend, who is also her ex-husband and the person she left me for, and that she had realized many things. She said that I was the most hassle-free person in her life. She expressed that my position in her life was permanent, and after fixing some things about herself, she wanted what she would experience with me to last forever. We discussed these things on April 23 and April 24 via WhatsApp.

Afterwards, our dialogue ended, and we didn't talk about these topics or anything else for about 10-12 days. Then, on the evening of May 13, I saw her and her boyfriend at a place. She had seen me too. We encountered each other after they breakup. She had cried a lot. We exchanged just a "hello" and "how are you" before walking towards our cars. A few hours later, she wanted to meet up with me again. However, I wasn't available, so we couldn't meet. The next day, unfortunately, we met again. What a big mistake, part 2. That day, I picked her up from her house, and she was completely crying. After getting in the car, she continued to cry as well. Then we went to a place and started talking. By the way, we have known each other for about 5 years, and before this, we had never run into each other while being out separately at any time. That day was the first time we met. She then started to explain that she had broken up with her boyfriend that day and thought seeing me was a sign from fate. During our conversation, she had thought seeing me was a sign and said she had gained strength from that moment to have a breakup conversation. I honestly agreed with her because I still believe that running into each other in that moment, after not having encountered one another anywhere for years, was something fateful. Anyway, we spent that day together. We held hands, hugged, and while sitting next to each other, her crying completely stopped when she was with me. She mentioned that her ex-boyfriend had gone to another city to visit friends. The next day, she went to that city to see that guy!

I learned about this from her cousin. Her cousin was unaware that we had met, but she mentioned that she had also gone to that city. Then I messaged her about going to her ex-boyfriend in that city. She asked how I found out, and I sent her a screenshot of the IP address because we use the same Facebook account for our social media activities. The next day, she called me. We talked for about an hour. During that conversation, she shared how unhappy she was to be there, that she actually didn't want to be there, but that she was in a difficult situation, crying, and tired of this cycle. I probably offered to come and pick her up and take her home about 5-6 times during the conversation if she was that unhappy, but of course, she didn't accept any of it.

This was an incident that happened on May 15. Then, on May 24, she sent me long messages saying that she had started taking medication, that she was talking to her ex-boyfriend, that her feelings toward me had changed, that her thoughts from a month ago were no longer the same, or that her current thoughts might not be the same a month from now. She expressed that she didn't want to burden me with her ups and downs, that she needed to heal, and that she had decided to do so. She asked me not to hate or be angry with her, apologized if she had hurt me, and sent me long messages saying that she had entered a new phase and didn't know how to proceed. It was a series of 10-12 messages in a row. Typical borderline pattern yes.

That same evening, she called me because I hadn't responded to her messages. We talked on the phone for about 45 minutes, and there was a wall in front of me that didn't respond to anything I said. At one point, I said I could see that what I was saying had no value; if you want, we can pretend this conversation didn't happen and just hang up, because it seems that my talking for hours in a monologue doesn't matter to you at all. She insisted that it wasn't like that, explaining that it was because she had just started taking new medication, etc. After that, I realized that she didn't want to meet or talk with me. I said "Okay," and then hung up the phone.

We had talked on the phone on May 24, and on May 25, she wrote to me about something very simple regarding Facebook ads, something she could also do. I just gave my standard responses and took care of it. She left a heart on one of my messages. On May 26, she asked me about something related to work again. On May 27, she asked me to drop off an old broken MacBook that I had at her cousin's place. Then, on May 30, she wrote to me again about something related to work. Finally, this morning, as soon as I woke up—almost as if she had dreamed it—she kept sending me long messages about work-related matters, asking me to edit the videos she needed.

What a roller coaster of a month it has been since I last wrote here. She is still with her ex-husband—now her new boyfriend. She is probably still continuing with her psychologist sessions, but, I believe, by lying thousands of times. That's the situation. I shouldn't have made the mistake of meeting her twice.

[Pook075]

I'm glad to see you made it back and I'm sorry that it's under these circumstances.  However, I don't think you made any mistakes- you lived and learned.  Hopefully those experiences can give you some guidance on how to move forward.

She actually said several insightful things...that on the surface don't appear to add up.  At one point, you're the most hassle-free person she's ever dated.  At another point, her feelings have completely changed.  That's so tough to deal with and I'm sorry you went through it, but that's the reality of BPD. 
Her viewpoints change based on her emotions and how she feels in the moment.

How are you feeling now?  Do you have any additional clarity on where this is leading you?

[carterstayin]

Honestly, a part of me still holds a great deal of love—and unfortunately—compassion for her. It saddens me to know that she is hurting and that it is mostly because of BPD, and that I can’t help her in any way. Seeing her upset and not being able to reach out to help her hurts me. Yes, she has caused me great harm. Both financially and emotionally, I have lived with constant ups and downs since the day we met. I still do. But as I said, somewhere deep inside I still believe that somehow this situation can be resolved and that because I showed her what true love is, it can surface somewhere inside her as well. Is this something that can happen on its own, now that she has no one around her—her family and friends? I don’t know. What she wrote to me in mid-April were things I had never heard from her mouth before, and we hadn’t talked about these kinds of things at all during the first three months of our breakup. Did those words carry some truth at that moment? I think they did, yes. But did she push me back into the black side afterward? Unfortunately, yes, again. Since I have known her, whenever she wavered, whenever she fell into a difficulty or emptiness, I have always reached out to help. I even told her this in our last phone conversation. But of course, I can’t force my way into her life. Clearly, I am on the black side again right now, yes, without doing anything. I realize this is a result of her illness. For months now, I have been reading both here and on Reddit about the same topic. Being always available for her is not good for me…

However, because I know the problems she has faced up until now and because I know that she sees me as someone who never argues with her or treats her badly in her life, I can’t completely detach myself from this situation. Yes, I have read thousands of posts, I have seen thousands of different people going through the same things within the same story, and that is a fact, especially for people with this disorder. But as I said, what has happened between us in the past 45 days—after we broke up and her, by her own admission, feeling worthless and trying to turn to me again while being with her ex-husband-turned-boyfriend who has not been good to her for years, or let’s not say trying to turn to me but rather testing me again— is that entirely nonsense and lies? I can’t be sure. Could it be complete lies and classic BPD behavior? Yes, it could be. But unfortunately, I still have a lot of questions in my head. Again, part of me still wants it to work. Even though I know it’s bad and best to walk away...