First post- my experience

[MuchConcern]

I've been married for 5 1/2 years.  The first 4 were great.  I felt like I had found someone I could safely open up to and bring up any issues with and he would give thoughtful responses.  He was supportive and encouraging.  I thought "Wow, this is how a relationship is supposed to be."  Then he started getting involved in a Discord/Locals group chat, getting in voice calls and watching movies together.  
He didn't want me to participate or be in any of the chats.  I could watch movies with him while he chatted and sometimes told them what I said or let me choose a movie.  Then he began to tell me that my movie choices were bad, my humor cringy, - it seemed he was embarrassed of me.  He mainly was chatting with 2 women which made me feel jealous. I had to remind myself he's always had female friends online, including me.  I remember him wanting to go shopping with me only to be chatting with one of them the entire time we were out.  He was increasingly irritated with me and told me his online friends respected him and complimented his intelligence which he didn't get from me.  
At some point I realized that I had been going through the stages of grief at losing his friendship.  He began to have spells of livid anger where he would criticise me heavily.  When he told me I was emotionally abusive, I almost passed out from the shock.  I started researching emotional abuse, how I could make myself aware of when I was doing it, how to stop.  I learned a lot about Codependency (I had been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic previously) and the drama triangle - and thatreally we both played those roles.  I talked to my friends who thought he seemed more controlling than me, but I also knew I had bad relationship role models in my parents; that I had learned passive aggressiveness from my mother; that she didn't respect my father.  
I was trying to fix myself, but he still kept getting intensely angry and giving me the silent treatment.  The man I had thought was so stable and even generally in a good mood, now looked at me like I was an alien, didn't want me to touch or speak to him.  A few days would pass and he would come out of it wanting to be close, giving me treats, and wanting sex.  It was so confusing.  
One time I was Googling the silent treatment and stumbled upon Borderline Personality Disorder.  Things started to add up: the intense anger, mood swings, the fact that I had originally only seem his anger when he talked to or even about his family, his road rage style driving with me in the car, his inability to maintain friendships (he trusts no one, believes they will eventually let him down), the classic splitting - I was and maybe still am sometimes his favorite person.  He had me on a pedestal for a long time.  I had never been treated that way and had no idea.  I may have been temporarily replaced by his online friends as a fp but he doesn't talk to them much anymore.  
Since I started keeping track in February, he has an episode of livid anger and the silent treatment (or occasionally a blow up devaluing session) at least once a week - almost every other day over the last week and a half.  He often just seems to wake up mad, when everything was fine the night before.  Unless something is triggering him on his phone in the morning?  
I've been trying not to take it personally, give him space until he's feeling better.  I'm exhausted.  He probably is too.  We're both suffering.  He thinks therapy is bunk.  I guess I'm just looking for support, understanding, and maybe even tips on how to keep my own sanity, let alone broach the subject with him, from people who know.  I could be wrong about BPD, too.  Maybe others can help shed some light on things.

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[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome It must be hard going through that.

Check out the Tips menu at the top of the page for some info about being in a relationship with a person with BPD. I'd also recommend 2 books:
1) Stop Walking on Eggshells (for background on the disorder)
2) Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (for practical advice)

What boundaries do you have to protect yourself? Were you thinking of adding any?

[MuchConcern]

Thank you for the reply!
I am currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and am waiting on Stop Caretaking the Borderline to become available (both through the library).
So far, I'm finding even identifying boundaries illusive.  I'm looking through the examples on this site.  It's definitely something to work on!
I have begun to ask if he's "not feeling good" (I feel this is a more neutral way to acknowledge it) and he will answer yes,  then have given him space and retreated to the bedroom.  It helps a lot to read about bpd, watch funny YouTube vids, or guided meditation.

[Jabiru]

That's great you're able to access those books. I found the Stop Caretaking book the more practical of the two. I'm curious of your thoughts on both books after you've read them and start applying them to your life.

Some examples of boundaries I have with my uBPD wife are no yelling, no insults, no serious topics when we're about to go to sleep. If she does one of them, I gently ask her to not do that. If she does again, I say I need some time to cool down and that I'll be back in an hour. I then simply exit the room (or home) and spend some time by myself. Boundaries protect yourself and are a form of self-care.

[stevemcduck]

my experience has been similar with the same amount of time involved, we actually split up and she moved far away. we are starting to reconnect slowly, I feel she still loves and misses me but is also a little afraid of getting to close. I only found out about bpd after all this happened. its very heartbreaking and you feel inside its going to be a hard life to be with this person but I totally get how much love you feel for them and will do anything to keep them

[MuchConcern]

I'm about 75% through Stop Caring and it's been so helpful!  I'm focusing more on myself and what I can do for a better life.  In doing so, I've found a "third space" which has brought on feelings of empowerment and also, quite surprising to me, feelings of guilt for doing things without him.  I may need to reread it a time or two to absorb all of the info.  First steps into an uncertain future.