Diagnosis and treatment refusal

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son was diagnosed at the emergency room by a psychiatrist, during a complete mental breakdown. This was after I had to call police for aggression, then police called the ambulance for their concerns. The psychiatrist refused to admit him, despite police filing a formal complaint about the refusal. The argument was, once admitted  for the behaviour, he would regularly force ambulance calls for attention seeking. Which I understand in theory, however my son was aggressive and suicidal at the time. The psychiatrist said (in front of him), "I bet money he is never going to hurt himself. This is for attention and he doesn't deserve medical treatment. He is wasting our time."

Important to note, he has also been formalltdiagnosed with mild autism, ADHD and conduct disorder (which may be one or all things,as he deliberately tried to "beat" the testing). He has severe depression as well.

My son has forced police calls for aggression on a regular basis, which has improved somewhat after I kicked him out for 2 months. However his narrative is that I regularly lie to authorities and medical staff to exert control over him. He will not accept that his behaviour is abnormal, he keeps picking fights,  hoping to trigger me so he can then justify his blame, creates situations where he has broken rules and I have no choice but to discipline him, etc. I am constantly placed in impossible situations and conversations that are based on complete fantasy, and he has effectively created an environment where no discipline or consequence will work. For example, he must attend school to remain in my house. He has 2 months until graduation, so I really can't send him to his dad's because he would transfer schools, but he has started skipping regularly again. And of course his dad has heard all about how this is my fault for making him so depressed he can't handle daily life. His dad also refuses to take him, which my son knows, but calls him daily to convince him I am abusive and crazy.

My question is, how can involved parents handle the impossible situations we are put in? If medical treatment enforces bad behaviour,  and ignoring it just creates more false stories and accusations to justify the need for arguments, what are we supposed to do?

My son might benefit from counseling, if he were ever "ready," but we have had multiple attempts and now counselors refuse to see him because he turns every session into false narratives of my abuse. He argues with anyone who says he has a problem, and insists his aggression is normal. The counselors don't believe him, nor do police or doctors, but his father phones him regularly to "ask how is is coping with his moms abuse." It seems there is no way to support him. Should I just accept he is always going to be self destructive and abusive, and ride it out while surviving the best I can? How do you cope with the misplaced guilt and constant stress from repeat behaviour like this? Does anyone have anything that causes even temporary relief? I am so concerned that this pattern if abuse toward me will translate into his future relationships,  and he will end up in big trouble. I am ready to separate our relationship if it will help, although it would break my heart and might make it worse. I also can't confidently keep supporting him 100% as that might also make it worse.

While I don't wish this on anybody, I am so glad there is this community who understands. Thank you for listening

[Lonelymom]

My son was diagnosed at the emergency room by a psychiatrist, during a complete mental breakdown. This was after I had to call police for aggression, then police called the ambulance for their concerns. The psychiatrist refused to admit him, despite police filing a formal complaint about the refusal. The argument was, once admitted  for the behaviour, he would regularly force ambulance calls for attention seeking. Which I understand in theory, however my son was aggressive and suicidal at the time. The psychiatrist said (in front of him), "I bet money he is never going to hurt himself. This is for attention and he doesn't deserve medical treatment. He is wasting our time."

Important to note, he has also been formalltdiagnosed with mild autism, ADHD and conduct disorder (which may be one or all things,as he deliberately tried to "beat" the testing). He has severe depression as well.

My son has forced police calls for aggression on a regular basis, which has improved somewhat after I kicked him out for 2 months. However his narrative is that I regularly lie to authorities and medical staff to exert control over him. He will not accept that his behaviour is abnormal, he keeps picking fights,  hoping to trigger me so he can then justify his blame, creates situations where he has broken rules and I have no choice but to discipline him, etc. I am constantly placed in impossible situations and conversations that are based on complete fantasy, and he has effectively created an environment where no discipline or consequence will work. For example, he must attend school to remain in my house. He has 2 months until graduation, so I really can't send him to his dad's because he would transfer schools, but he has started skipping regularly again. And of course his dad has heard all about how this is my fault for making him so depressed he can't handle daily life. His dad also refuses to take him, which my son knows, but calls him daily to convince him I am abusive and crazy.

My question is, how can involved parents handle the impossible situations we are put in? If medical treatment enforces bad behaviour,  and ignoring it just creates more false stories and accusations to justify the need for arguments, what are we supposed to do?

My son might benefit from counseling, if he were ever "ready," but we have had multiple attempts and now counselors refuse to see him because he turns every session into false narratives of my abuse. He argues with anyone who says he has a problem, and insists his aggression is normal. The counselors don't believe him, nor do police or doctors, but his father phones him regularly to "ask how is is coping with his moms abuse." It seems there is no way to support him. Should I just accept he is always going to be self destructive and abusive, and ride it out while surviving the best I can? How do you cope with the misplaced guilt and constant stress from repeat behaviour like this? Does anyone have anything that causes even temporary relief? I am so concerned that this pattern if abuse toward me will translate into his future relationships,  and he will end up in big trouble. I am ready to separate our relationship if it will help, although it would break my heart and might make it worse. I also can't confidently keep supporting him 100% as that might also make it worse.

While I don't wish this on anybody, I am so glad there is this community who understands. Thank you for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I've walked the same path with my 26 year old BPD daughter.  It's terrible in every possible way.

My question is, how can involved parents handle the impossible situations we are put in?

The simple answer here is to stop being an involved parent, so you won't be put in those situations any longer.

I realize that your son is sick and he needs help.  But he can only receive help if he's actually willing to make changes in his life.  You can't force that on him and neither can a psychiatrist or anyone else.  It is 100% up to him to choose a different path.

So if you can't do anything to change the path he's on, the next question is why fight it?

Again, he's sick and he needs to realize he needs help.  But if you're trying to coddle him while he's abusing you, then he's learning that abusing mom gets me whatever I want.  In other words, he sees it all as your fault....simply because you continue to take his abuse.

A better approach would be to stop fighting him, stop running in to save the day, and let him deal with the fallout in life himself.  If he wants to be wild and free, no problem, show him the door and wish him luck.  Because once he's on that path and can no longer blame mom/family, he will eventually come to the conclusion that maybe he does need to make a change in his life decisions.

This happened with my BPD daughter at 23 after she bounced from house to house for almost two years.  She wasn't welcome at home unless she could help out and be respectful.  She felt that was too much to ask and hey, that's no problem...she decides the rules for her life.  I finally let her do her thing and face the consequences.

At 26, my kid is employed, paying her own bills, and very respectful to her entire family (including me).  She spent two years in intense therapy and made so many huge changes to her perspective and how the treats others...she's almost not the same person anymore.  And while she does still have terrible days from time to time, she knows how to respond in order for her family to support her in healthy ways.

Your kid has to make these decisions on his own, and at the same time you have to remove yourself so you're no longer a part of the problem.  You desperately need that to actually heal and see this more objectively as well.  I hope that helps.