Constant blame

[Morningdawn]

I have an adult child displaying signs of BPD.
I don’t seem to be able to say anything right and I am positioned as un empathetic, I don’t get it, invalidating although I listen to intense hours of their hurt, pfobems. If I react or say what they don’t want to hear or what they perceive as me not understanding, it quickly turns to anger pointing fingers at me that I am to blame. Of late this anger has turned raged and I am blamed for literally everything.
I don’t know how to deal with this and I already stay calm in these pattern if ditustiin

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi,

Welcome to the family. It can feel frustrating indeed to be blamed you your kid’s problems and ill feelings. When the “conversation” isn’t getting anywhere, here are some phrases you might try:

Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom/get a drink of water.

I need some fresh air, want to come?

I’ve got to go, but I’ll call back later.

We’re not getting anywhere, I need a break, we can resume in the morning.

These are some ways to get a pause, partly for you, and partly for them, an “adult time out” when having a tantrum. Sometimes just a little pause (eg bathroom break) is enough to dampen the rage.

But most importantly, you are not at fault, no matter how hard your kid tries to blame you. They like to play victim, to avoid the pain of feeling responsible and moving on or getting over it. I find that a raging rant is a sure sign that something didn’t go the way they wanted in their life, which typically had nothing to do with me. Are they complaining about a terrible childhood?  That’s just a distraction from what’s really going on.

If you have the strength, I think you can get a glimpse of what is bugging your kid by listening to the feelings behind the meltdowns, rather than the facts. I think that lots of talk about childhood can reveal feelings of being immature, confused, incompetent or scared. So can statements like, “I’m an adult, I can do whatever I want,” because they probably feel exactly the opposite. Maybe the issue is loneliness or depression. You can look for projection, too. If your kid is unjustly accusing you of being uncaring, lazy or useless, that typically indicates what they’re thinking about themselves, and it troubles them so much that it comes out as an accusation about YOU instead.

I think that untreated BPD means that they perceive life as an unending series of traumas. And they have a trauma-like response of fight or flight to ordinary stressors. Their emotions are super-sized and raw all the time. That must feel awful. Sadly, they play the victim so much that they think that everyone else has to change, not them. Unfortunately, the victim attitude turns into a learned helplessness, and they feel powerless over their life. I think that’s why they look backwards all the time, instead of forwards. It’s like they are trying to drive down the highway of adulthood looking only at the rear view mirror, and they have accidents over and over again, hurting themselves and others.

[Morningdawn]

Thank you for that response. It makes total sense reading it. Nothing makes sense when in throws if their anger and blame. I will keep endeavoring to make sure I am ok and safe as priority

[Pook075]

Thank you for that response. It makes total sense reading it. Nothing makes sense when in throws if their anger and blame. I will keep endeavoring to make sure I am ok and safe as priority

Hello and welcome- I completely agree with CC43 in everything he shared.

The reason those episodes don't make sense is because your kid is not thinking logically, they're thinking emotionally.  And our emotions can really take us on rollercoasters if we let them.

For people with BPD, they get into a dysregulated mindset where their emotions become facts.  Here's a quick generic example that I'm making up as I go:

1) Mom didn't tell me dinner was ready, even though she knew how hungry I was (note: you wouldn't know how hungry she was because she didn't tell you)

2) Mom always does this and it proves she doesn't care about me at all.  She's never cared about me (note the uses of always/never...this is a sign they're dysregulated and splitting)

3) Last week, mom went to the mall without inviting me...and now she's starving me to intentionally hurt me and laugh at me while I'm suffering (now we're in projection where she's deciding what you feel and why)

This comes on because of a bad day, or even a bad conversation that sends your kid's world spiraling.  They literally get sad, angry, depressed, whatever and since they don't understand what's happening, they blame the people they're closest to for feeling that way.  Because in their mind, you should understand exactly how they feel and be more supportive.

The problem is, everything I wrote above happened within their mind...and I'm guessing you're not psychic.  So you're thinking you're walking in to say hi while she's been in a war with you for 30 minutes now.

So what the heck can you do?

Well, there's several "paths" here and you need to pick which is right for your situation.  The first is stopping the abuse completely and making it known that you won't be treated like that in your own home.  If she has to act that way, she can figure out life on her own terms somewhere else.

But that escalates things and it's not usually the best place to start.  Instead, a good path is to ignore absolutely every word that comes out of her mouth when she's dysregulated (angry, depressed, etc) and just focus on her emotions instead.  If she's mad, calm her down with soothing talk like you're caring for an infant.  If she's sad, cheer her up in a supportive way.  And again, pay absolutely no attention to the actual words she's saying until she calms down.

For example, if she calls you a lying <bleep bleep>, just let it go without even changing your facial expression.  Because all she's doing is ranting and trying to shift the blame to someone else.  Helping her calm down gets her out of that mindset and makes an actual conversation possible.

Make sense?

[seriouslyconcern]

I'm confused a little. How would you calm a person down that blames you for everything that is wrong with them and it spilling over into their adult relationships? What would you say? I'm just trying to avoid making them more upset and they are far more quick minded than I am, so it feels like walking through land mines. I love my adult kid dearly, but they seem to text in the middle of the night when something has upset them(work stress, school stress, friend stress). They also don't want me calling or texting them on a good day and have essentially cut me off. That was hard but I have been more respectful in not calling or texting them.

[Pook075]

I'm confused a little. How would you calm a person down that blames you for everything that is wrong with them and it spilling over into their adult relationships? What would you say?

You'd have to rephrase that first sentence to be able to calm them down.

It can't be, "How do you calm someone down when they're blaming you."  That's like asking how do you fly an airplane with a coloring book.

Instead, the question is, "How do you calm someone down...when they're upset." 

The difference there is huge because when someone is disordered, their words don't mean anything; they're just venting like they're in a panic so everything is like you're in the middle of an action movie.  So if they're mad, they're furious....if they're sad, it's the worst day ever.  We all say dumb stuff we shouldn't when we're hurt or angry, and often it doesn't reflect how we really feel.  For BPDs though, this is multiplied x1000.

Their words- ignore them.  The words don't matter.  Instead, focus on the feelings driving their emotions and focus on soothing those.

Now, for your specific example....how do you calm someone when they're screaming at you blaming you for everything...you simply try to calm them down, relate to what they're feeling in that moment. 

But if you can't, and the verbal assault continues, then you must withdraw in a compassionate way.  This is called a boundary and it's what you refuse to put up with for your own sanity.  For instance, a healthy boundary should be no phone calls at 2AM unless we're making a hospital visit.  Another would be that if you're screamed at, then you're ending the call to take a little space for everyone to calm down.

Make sense?