Schopenhauer was right about our lives and a pendulum :)

[ThePendulum]

Hello everyone. I have never written on a forum about this aspect, but I feel the need to talk to a group of people who can understand me.

My story dates back to about a couple of years ago. I met this girl at work. I want to point out that she had a very long history behind her with several problems. Whether this story was over or not I still don't know today. In fact, I'm no longer sure of many things she told me.

From the very beginning I noticed difficulty in establishing a dialogue with her, sometimes she gave me answers that were very difficult for me to understand. She is a very rigid person. She herself told me that she has a black and white view of things.

Some examples include "this is too good and I don't deserve it", rather than "I am a horrible person". And again "I don't trust" without me having done anything.

Little by little things got better. I tried to give her all the reassurance she needed. Believe me, I really did everything a human being in my position could do, since her long story was never definitively over. Because I liked her a lot and very sincerely, she knew how to be a girl as beautiful as she was sweet with me. I really bonded with her, to the point of having sincere feelings for her. And the proof is the fact that I am writing here right now.

Everything was always up and down, it was like an on/off switch: sometimes everything was going great, sometimes it seemed to degenerate for no reason. I cared a lot about her, actually I still do today after some time.

Around the summer there was a beautiful and very intense moment between us that I will never forget. From that moment on, things seemed to be going in a positive direction for both of us. It seemed like we had really found each other and I was extremely happy, because she was really very important to me in my life.

In the following days, we were very euphoric and full of enthusiasm. Until a few days later, without the slightest reason, the conversation had clearly "cooled down". I understood that something was wrong. And from here a message that I can't forget "I'm sorry I was so stupid. Good everything".

Since then, absolute emptiness. No response, no clarification. When we met again after the holidays, I tried to talk to her, I confided in her my feelings, but she didn't want to tell me what had caused this attitude, in fact she practically denied everything that had happened between us.

Over time I tried to contact her a few times, but I only received icy responses, or silence in return. I saw her again by chance after a few months and naively tried to talk to her, but she had a very angry reaction, refusing.

I tried to summarize as much as possible so as not to bore the readers.

After a year and a half / two years, I decided to write on this forum. Over time I have read a lot about it and I am very convinced that she suffers from BPD, also for other reasons that she told me and I have not reported here.

There are so many things I would have liked to tell her, for example I would have liked to tell her that for me it wasn't a game, but that on the contrary she was a very important person for me in my life. That any problem there was or any mistake I made, could certainly be solved by talking about it together. That I was available to help her in any way. But I didn't have the chance.

The idea that she disappeared into thin air, that now she probably hates me, still really hurts me, especially because I don't know why. I repeat, for me she wasn't just any person, she was really important in my life. And the void she left like that, from one moment to the next, is really difficult. Losing a person with whom there is such a deep bond is beyond words... We are two complete strangers again and this leaves me with a sense of emptiness and sadness inside.

I hope for your help.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Welcome to the board.  As you've seen, there are many similar stories here.

Maya Angelou said "when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time."  This is often slightly misquoted as "when someone [shows] you who they are, believe them"... which is more metaphorical about someone showing you with their actions, and is still an insightful quote.  But if you find some of the interviews with Maya Angelou, she very clearly says she's talking about someone TELLING you who they are, with spoken words, as you've described in your story.  "I don't trust" is a very real insight she's giving you.  She knows herself and her history better than anyone.

Can you clarify the timeline?  Met 2 years ago ... together for 6 months ... low contact for 18 months now?  You seem to have already made a lot of progress in dealing with your feelings, which is great.  If she was non-BPD, what would you tell yourself about continuing to reach out to her after over a year?  At some point we have to let go of past relationships, BPD or not. 

Having said that, I wouldn't be surprised if she reaches out to you at a time when you're not expecting it.  At a time when you've started a new relationship, or had some new success in your life.  They tend to have a sense of emotional timing ... giving you juuust enough time to almost be completely gone, and then pulling you back in.  This seems to be what you're hoping for at the moment - many of us have hoped for the same.  Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

Keep working on yourself.  Hang in there.

[Under The Bridge]

We certainly do understand you - your post 100% mirrors my own 4-year experience. The same script is seen time and time again, it can feel like we're all on a factory assembly line.

She herself told me that she has a black and white view of things. Some examples include "this is too good and I don't deserve it", rather than "I am a horrible person". And again "I don't trust" without me having done anything.

Absolutely textbook BPD; the inability to see any 'grey' areas and the constant self-doubt no matter how well you've treated them. They simply will never believe it or have faith in you. I found that the most frustrating aspect of the relationship; when you know you're treating someone like a princess and they just can't see or accept it.

The good times were the best ever..for the short time they lasted, before the about-turn happened and we suddenly become the villain, with no idea why.

I tried to talk to her, I confided in her my feelings, but she didn't want to tell me what had caused this attitude, in fact she practically denied everything that had happened between us.

Again, standard BPD. They cut off from you but are unable - or unwilling - to say why. I always believed she was capable of explaining up to a point but just chose not to. The denial was there too - even things she did in front of witnesses she would deny ever having said or done. They truly do re-write history in their own minds and us trying to correct them only makes them dig their heels in deeper.

It is truly hard to cope after a breakup, such is the intensity. I almost envied her BPD ability to just switch off and have an 'out of sight, out of mind' attitude while we continue to be hurt and miss them. Time does heal though, you need to take care of your physical and mental well-being, hard though that seems at this moment.

[ThePendulum]

First of all, thank you so much for your answers.

Basically, we saw each other - if I may say so - for a few months before she devalued me. After that episode, I tried to contact her with some sporadic messages or emails, but as I said I did not get any positive feedback. She responded to me in an extremely cold manner a couple of days after the event, until I no longer heard from her.

I tried to send her an email for the last time towards the end of 2024, to which I never received a response. I swear, it was not an email in which I asked or demanded anything, it was just a couple of lines where I told her she came into my mind and that I hoped she was okay.

The problem is that, even though I have tried to overcome the issue in all her absence, in reality it is as if I had never definitively closed, precisely because there was never a confrontation. It is as if the thing remained inside me, there in the depths of my heart, never resolved.

I've been going through a bit of a stressful time recently and all the memories have been flooding back so vividly, as if the breakup was fresh.

It's really a one-of-a-kind feeling, I think, maybe because for me it's impossible to literally eliminate an important person from your life from one hour to the next... A person with whom you've shared such strong emotions, such deep dialogues and important moments.

Thank you so much for your understanding and help  .

[Under The Bridge]

The problem is that, even though I have tried to overcome the issue in all her absence, in reality it is as if I had never definitively closed, precisely because there was never a confrontation. It is as if the thing remained inside me, there in the depths of my heart, never resolved.

We never get closure because that would require some sort of rational thought process from them - and sadly their illness prevents any rationality.

When a 'normal' relationship ends there's usually input from both parties, where you both acknowledge things weren't working and either wish each other well or give the 'glad to be rid of you' speech if things went badly - but to have no closure or reasoning - or even any warning of something being amiss - is heartbreaking and hits hard.

She may contact you herself in future, as BPD's are prone to do but be aware that this might just be because she hasn't found anyone else and is simply looking for company as BPD's are not happy when they're alone. If you wish to respond should this happen then that's up to you and how much you're prepared to persevere, as without her acknowledgement of her problem and seeking treatment, the cycle will happen again.

Small comfort I know but the same thing will happen if she finds another partner; once the initial happy phase ends, she will inevitably pull away again. This is BPD and the script it follows.

All you can do at the moment is concentrate on yourself. Best wishes

[ThePendulum]

Thank you so much, really.

I love you all 

[ThanksForPlaying]

We never get closure because that would require some sort of rational thought process from them - and sadly their illness prevents any rationality.

In some ways, I've found 'needing closure' is one of my own symptoms of being codependent (if not truly codependent, then whatever you want to call 'putting up with BPD').

Of course I wouldn't want a terrible fight as closure.  I want happy closure.  But if it's happy closure, then why are we breaking up in the first place?  I've found my own expectations for closure are sometimes a little unreasonable.

That's been one area where mindfulness has helped me to stay in the present - it is what it is - and I try not to worry so much about what might happen in the future, or past things I could have done to get more 'closure'.