Daughter has cut me off

[Flissrose]

Hi everyone, my first ever time asking for support. My 32 year old daughter who is diagnosed BPD has now cut me off and wants nothing to do with me or her immediate family. She has a 4 year old daughter who we have a very strong relationship with. She is allowing us to continue seeing her for now.I have worked so hard with my daughter to improve our relationship including therapy with her. I'm in shock and feel devastated. This came about because I tried to set a boundary. I work in a demanding job and my husband does and I need my day off for my emotional health. I explained in detail why I did not want to commit to the school run etc. Basically she just wrote me off and of course said lots of very hurtful things. I felt scrutinised and on trial for my behaviour and she agreed that I was being scrutinised and that this had been my last chance with her. I feel hurt and betrayed. I don't really know what to do, she has told me not to contact her and the underlying threat being if I do she will also stop me seeing my grandaughter. Any advice please?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sunshine Island]

Hi Flissrose,

So sorry you're going through this. I imagine it's a feeling you've got used to over the years and you always react in a certain way, which her heightened sensitivities will also know and use to feed her own needs.

My advice is JADE....do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Statements only, and with a genuine smile. Every move you make towards justification will make her double down if the mood takes her. Stay in neutral and accept, even if it means no contact from the grandchild. Maintain your boundaries, you know that is the right thing to do. BPDs don't actually mean the nasty things they say...it's most often a projection of themselves designed to cause you as much pain as they themselves feel. She feels your boundary as a form of rejection, therefore she will reject you and will be more than willing to use the child as a weapon to get you to capitulate. So, don't contact her aside from birthdays, Christmas etc but let her know your door is always open, as it always has been. You are the constant in her world of chaos, and she WILL come back. xx

[BPDstinks]

HI!  my heart hurts for you, as my daughter, pwBPD cut our entire family off, including her beautiful nieces; not ONE day goes by that I do not think of her and wonder HOW this happened?  add to that, my granddaughters' mother has BPD & am all too familiar with the "you can see them, no you can't game" it is hurtful, cruel and I am in a constant state of anxiety!  That being said, I am desperately trying to find my own way, again, in life....I pray you find SOME sort of peace