Third break up in our 6 year relationship, this time it feels very different

[RedBeard93]

Hello all,

My ex fiance 28f broke up with me 32m about a month ago and we're still living together.

Our relationship is very complicated and she has a complex mental and physical health history and we'd gone through a load of ups and downs. But throughout it all and I know it sounds cliche but I never doubted she was my soulmate and we'd spend the rest of our lives together.

She was diagnosed with BPD in her teens and heavily medicated for most of her life up to around 25/26. She's been in and out of therapy and made so many leaps and bounds by herself which I'm so proud of her for. She's never felt that BPD sits right with her fully and she's recently got a diagnosis of ADHD which in her head almost overwrites the BPD, however I don't think this is the case and there's elements of her personality and behavior that comes from both.

For the 6 years we've been together I've been there for her through some of the toughest times and always said id be the stable person in her life. She however seems to have the belief that people don't care about her or her needs and people constantly do what they think is best for her and not necessarily what she wants etc.

The first time she left the relationship we ended up breaking up for about two weeks and then got back together. In that time she had some parties but not much else.

The second time was a lot more chaotic. I found out she'd been cheating on me and and her behavior became more and more erratic where I was worried for her safety. We split up for just over a month, got back together and then broke up again until she wrote me a letter on Christmas day saying she was sorry for every doubting us and I was everything she wanted.

Fast forward 3 years and she's decided to break up with me again. It's been about a month but this time it seems different. She's not drinking, she's managing to eat, go to work , sleeping regularly etc and it really does seem like shes thinking this all through and I'm proud of her. However I'm really struggling with it and the thought of us not being together when we felt that strongly about each other is a difficult one to process

She ended things and said she'd been thinking about it for a while. She's said it's purely for selfish reasons and that she hasn't fallen out of love with me and that's why it's been such a tough decision to come to. She feels like every year she has some kind of mental health crisis and she needs to not be in a relationship or have any responsibilities to or for anyone and that's what she needs. So she can make mistakes and not have to try and put in place tons of steps to prevent me or others with decisions she makes.

She said she's sat and weighed up all the good points of our relationship and this feeling that she needs to be alone and even though she knows she would be happy with me this other feeling is outweighing everything. We've had a few chats about things and she says that she wishes she could put our heads together to make me understand that it's absolutely nothing to do with me or us. She also feels I want chats all the time and she has nothing more to bring to them right now and get agitated to the point where she angrily says "PLEASE READ it let's stay together then" or that she just wants to kill herself rather than deal with all this.

I'm just struggling to be in the same house as her. Apart from things like watching TV, eating / sleeping together and kissing each other goodbye in the mornings our interactions are almost normal. We talk, we joke, we laugh. She's out of the house most of the day which makes it seem like shes just busy and I'll see her later. I'm just really struggling to accept that it's over and it all just feels wrong. Even her goodbye to me when she's off out feels rushed and cold and it's tough to be around that.

She has nowhere to go and can't move back into her parents yet as it's not suitable for her right now and needs some adjustments but there's no timeframe on that. Shes said she wants me in her life and wants us to have a friendship but I really don't think I can do that even though I'd want to. There's been no further mention of moving out timelines and today when I asked for a catch up soon and questioned why she's sounding a bit more off than usual she mentioned that she's not sure where I'm at with everything as per our last conversation she thought I was okay for being friends. It seems a bit wild to me that one conversation could just solve everything in her opinion even though we said we'd need multiple chats to flesh out what that would look like / what we'd both get from it without getting hurt.

She's even suggested there could be a time where shes down living at her parents (5 min walk away) and she comes round and we have nights together as friends watching TV or doing things together maybe once a week and we scale them visits up or down depending on how they're making us feel. But to me it makes it seem like she wants absolutely everything and I'll just be there always wanting a relationship with her.

I'm not really sure what I'm after posting this to be honest. Maybe people to rant to, maybe some advice. I've just never had a relationship where despite everything we've gone through I've never doubted my love for her. I'm just struggling so much day to day at the moment.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am still hopeful that one day things will work out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stevemcduck]

im so sorry to hear you are going through this. I know how you feel the confusion can be awful and really take a mental toll on the partner. I have just come out of relationship with someone who has uBPD. It hurts like hell. I want mine back and seem to be having somewhat success by allowing the time but remaining close there as a friend as there is a chance she will want me back. however the risk you take is that if she starts seeing someone else you will have to watch that happen and she will still expect to be friends. that won't work as you are not really there for friendship.

As confusing as it is, she has been quite open about what she needs and why she is breaking it off, you just can't understand the turmoil in her head, no one can. I know it doesn't feel this way now but she will be telling the truth that it int you so you can be assured you are not at fault. It really is heartbreaking and feels so tragic. its probably best to move on or try the friendship in hope she come back around but like all of us partners of pwBPD you have to accept the risks and know it will lead to more heartbreak and mental turmoil. Im saying this as it's so logical however as I write it and im in a similar situation I can't even take my own advice.

you are not alone, I really feel for you brother

[SinisterComplex]

Hello all,

My ex fiance 28f broke up with me 32m about a month ago and we're still living together.

Our relationship is very complicated and she has a complex mental and physical health history and we'd gone through a load of ups and downs. But throughout it all and I know it sounds cliche but I never doubted she was my soulmate and we'd spend the rest of our lives together.

She was diagnosed with BPD in her teens and heavily medicated for most of her life up to around 25/26. She's been in and out of therapy and made so many leaps and bounds by herself which I'm so proud of her for. She's never felt that BPD sits right with her fully and she's recently got a diagnosis of ADHD which in her head almost overwrites the BPD, however I don't think this is the case and there's elements of her personality and behavior that comes from both.

For the 6 years we've been together I've been there for her through some of the toughest times and always said id be the stable person in her life. She however seems to have the belief that people don't care about her or her needs and people constantly do what they think is best for her and not necessarily what she wants etc.

The first time she left the relationship we ended up breaking up for about two weeks and then got back together. In that time she had some parties but not much else.

The second time was a lot more chaotic. I found out she'd been cheating on me and and her behavior became more and more erratic where I was worried for her safety. We split up for just over a month, got back together and then broke up again until she wrote me a letter on Christmas day saying she was sorry for every doubting us and I was everything she wanted.

Fast forward 3 years and she's decided to break up with me again. It's been about a month but this time it seems different. She's not drinking, she's managing to eat, go to work , sleeping regularly etc and it really does seem like shes thinking this all through and I'm proud of her. However I'm really struggling with it and the thought of us not being together when we felt that strongly about each other is a difficult one to process

She ended things and said she'd been thinking about it for a while. She's said it's purely for selfish reasons and that she hasn't fallen out of love with me and that's why it's been such a tough decision to come to. She feels like every year she has some kind of mental health crisis and she needs to not be in a relationship or have any responsibilities to or for anyone and that's what she needs. So she can make mistakes and not have to try and put in place tons of steps to prevent me or others with decisions she makes.

She said she's sat and weighed up all the good points of our relationship and this feeling that she needs to be alone and even though she knows she would be happy with me this other feeling is outweighing everything. We've had a few chats about things and she says that she wishes she could put our heads together to make me understand that it's absolutely nothing to do with me or us. She also feels I want chats all the time and she has nothing more to bring to them right now and get agitated to the point where she angrily says "PLEASE READ it let's stay together then" or that she just wants to kill herself rather than deal with all this.

I'm just struggling to be in the same house as her. Apart from things like watching TV, eating / sleeping together and kissing each other goodbye in the mornings our interactions are almost normal. We talk, we joke, we laugh. She's out of the house most of the day which makes it seem like shes just busy and I'll see her later. I'm just really struggling to accept that it's over and it all just feels wrong. Even her goodbye to me when she's off out feels rushed and cold and it's tough to be around that.

She has nowhere to go and can't move back into her parents yet as it's not suitable for her right now and needs some adjustments but there's no timeframe on that. Shes said she wants me in her life and wants us to have a friendship but I really don't think I can do that even though I'd want to. There's been no further mention of moving out timelines and today when I asked for a catch up soon and questioned why she's sounding a bit more off than usual she mentioned that she's not sure where I'm at with everything as per our last conversation she thought I was okay for being friends. It seems a bit wild to me that one conversation could just solve everything in her opinion even though we said we'd need multiple chats to flesh out what that would look like / what we'd both get from it without getting hurt.

She's even suggested there could be a time where shes down living at her parents (5 min walk away) and she comes round and we have nights together as friends watching TV or doing things together maybe once a week and we scale them visits up or down depending on how they're making us feel. But to me it makes it seem like she wants absolutely everything and I'll just be there always wanting a relationship with her.

I'm not really sure what I'm after posting this to be honest. Maybe people to rant to, maybe some advice. I've just never had a relationship where despite everything we've gone through I've never doubted my love for her. I'm just struggling so much day to day at the moment.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am still hopeful that one day things will work out.

So instead of providing some grand advice and so forth I will just respond by saying the reason you posted what you did is that what to connect with others who may have similar experiences and can be more understanding than the typical friends and family who do not really get it. My friend you just want some support...simple as that. This is just another resource to help you on your journey and perhaps this resource helps you figure some S out. It doesn't have to be anything more than that. Just know that we do get it here and we do understand and we do have your back.

Vent away. Ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as you want and comfortable with.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[losthope1234]

Hi

I understand what you are going through. She's living with you, just like she would when you were romantically together, yet having to accept that you are "broken up" so you are not really together in that sense...It must be really hard for you.

Reading your post,it feels like you have always been a huge firm support to her all through her mental health challenges. At this point too, you have accepted to live with her even though she broke up because she moving back to parents is not suitable. She is "cool" being broken up because she doesn't want the "burden of relationship" at this point, and doesn't even what to chat about it without taking into consideration how that might be affecting you on the inside. Do you feel that you maybe have accepted and allowed a bit too much? I feel this because I am also the same kind, always accepting his "wishes", always being the 1st one to "rescue" him through his mental health or any other crisis. He doesn't get along with parents, i am there to support, next moment his parents are fine, i am to be blamed, that's also okay, i accept.

I am also trying to navigate and obviously i'm not any expert, but I think at times we enable a bit too much. And that gives them a msg that everything they are doing is somehow allowed and to be adjusted by us. If I were you, I would find a way such that we do not have to stay together since we broke up. Even though it might seem heart-breaking on your part, you need to gather courage to be firm because this way you send out a msg that you are not okay in this current dynamics, a dynamics where you guys are just friends and can casually watch shows with her like before without being romantically linked -- you are not okay with this, even though she might be. I have been together with him now for 18yrs, and I know this attitude that they sometimes put in --that we normally stay together without him having to take any responsibility for the relationship -- thus pushing me to handle all the responsibility of the relationship all by myself.

If she can't move out, is it possible for you to stay temporarily at some other place? Your msg to her should be clear. That we will stay apart until we have a serious chat about the future of this relationship. If she wants to pause the relationship and take a break, then how long should you wait? Let's say a month (or two*), but then she has to be the one who approaches you. If she doesn't then you will move on since you can wait in uncertainty forever. Let her take up some responsibility for the relationship.

*Note that stay away for longer times might create other challenges so be careful

[RedBeard93]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all the support and advice.

She's actually been really friendly and thoughtful which is a stark difference to last time.

She's bringing in less money because she on a phased return to work and she's actively said that she'll give me some money towards things this month as she appreciates I'm taking on most of the financial burden.

Shes still had issues with work and the other morning she was really short with me when I asked if she'd slept in.

Later when she came home she'd noticed I'd got in her favourite soft drink (this is just a habit I keep the house stocked up) and she apologized for being short and almost like an "unwanted child" walking around the house not contributing. She said that the reason she was late to work was because she was deciding "whether to call in sick, go in and face the music for being late, or shooting herself" which I know she was joking but she's obviously struggling with things. I did really appreciate the validation coming from her and said that's she's definitely wanted.

The next day (Thursday just gone) she asked if a friend could stay over on Friday (today) after a post birthday present evening out that had been booked before we broke up. She offered to drive them home instead if it wasn't okay which is something she wouldn't have usually done when this happened last time round.

I asked if we could have a chat again soon and although she's busy this weekend she offered to chat this Sunday and that we could cook a roast dinner as well which I've agreed to.

I'm not really sure what I want from this chat. My feelings haven't changed but I know her being here is stopping me from processing things as hope is constantly there for me at least.

I went out tonight on my own (Friday) to a gig. It wasn't what I expected and it was full of couples and so I left and I'm currently on the train home struggling with my emotions. I miss her being the person I contact, I miss her being my partner for so many reasons.

I am proud of her for doing what she feels she needs to do but my God I feel completely lost. I'm know 32 is young but after going from what I thought was my family for the rest of my life to this it's just hard to process.

[once removed]

aw, man. ugh.

its like you miss her, and yet you live with her - youre kinda surrounded by what you miss  

and having to feel the way you feel, while shes seemingly carrying on, it can kinda feel like shes a walking invalidation of what youre going through.

thats one of the hardest parts about breaking up in general. the other person seems that way, because, at least in part, they have grieved the relationship. its like being on two completely different pages.

ive got a buddy going through similar; his wife isnt bpd, but likely uADHD, shes going through some stuff, theyre considering divorce, but shes not really sure what she wants. its hard on him.

which is why, keeping your goals in mind, of getting back together, i tend to agree with losthope1234, that its okay to show some real signs of commitment to breaking up, if not for your own well being and processing.

because how do you get someone back (assuming the opportunity is available), anyway? in so many words, you re-attract them.

to someone who seems like shes "going through some stuff", the most attractive thing, really, is to have your   together. to be rock solid. and to have clear and firm boundaries. note: i dont mean dont grieve. do grieve. but also, work to stay centered, in a hard, bad all around, situation.

incidentally, its also the best way to approach a breakup: by living it.

practically speaking (in terms of actual steps taken), im not necessarily sure what that looks like, but it more or less looks like this:

I went out tonight on my own (Friday) to a gig. It wasn't what I expected and it was full of couples and so I left and I'm currently on the train home struggling with my emotions.

its both a win that you went, and its a win that you said hey, this is too much, and gave yourself a break from it. i remember the first gig i played, very shortly after the breakup. she was our biggest fan, and it was surreal not having her there.

take the steps necessary to signal to both her, and to yourself, that you "accept" the breakup, or more importantly, the reality of it. thats what good boundaries look like: living our values. value your grief, your peace, and your well being. let that guide your actions, broadly.

i dont mean making a show or being in her face about it. thats not a mature way to cope with a breakup, or to re-attract someone.

She's even suggested there could be a time where shes down living at her parents (5 min walk away) and she comes round and we have nights together as friends watching TV or doing things together maybe once a week and we scale them visits up or down depending on how they're making us feel. But to me it makes it seem like she wants absolutely everything and I'll just be there always wanting a relationship with her.

people who say these things, though she isnt the first (she truly sounds a lot like my buddys wife with this stuff) baffle me. but i think they say them to cope with feelings of loss, yes, but also chaos. it is self-soothing, but it is also selfish.

dont enable that. thats the best path forward (whichever direction you want this to go), the one you have control over, and it is also the most attractive move.

[EyesUp]

@RedBeard,

I went through these cycles, too. There were multiple breakups. Eventually got married. 

In my case, the cycles continued. 14 years and 3 kids later, divorced.

Looking back, nothing felt better than getting back together. The return to the familiar - it felt like safety at the time. Make up sex was generally A+. We joked once or twice that we'd break up just so that we could have make up sex...  Eventually, though, we cohabitated for almost a year leading up to separation and divorce. On some level, I understand the feeling of loss and disappointment that you must be going through, especially while cohabitating.

My suggestions are:

1) Boundaries
No matter which way things go for you, there's no upside to over-accommodating her at this point. If you don't want her to host while you're still cohab'ing, say so.  In short, it's time for boundaries, i.e., in order for this to work, she needs to demonstrate a, b, c (you need to define your own boundaries) - and then you stick to it

2) Give her space
Offers and requests to talk / check in are validation for her - you're still interested. But you already know you're still interested. The question is: Is she interested? Give her space to demonstrate this to you authentically, independently, and in a way that she can take full credit for. If she's not meeting you fully half way, give this full attention

3) Gut check
Do you want a relationship with mutual trust and commitment? What does that look like for you? How do you establish - or re-establish this? Will she value your love and forgiveness, or get stuck in some difficult-to-process shame? What does success look like for you, for her, and can you get there?

The reference to FOG is a good one - You might also read up on attachment styles. Here's a link to a relatively recent thread in which the OP discusses attachment style, and describes a need to pull their partner back...  might be worth a look:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358341.0

Hang in there.

[Pook075]

I'm not really sure what I want from this chat. My feelings haven't changed but I know her being here is stopping me from processing things as hope is constantly there for me at least.

If I had to guess, what you want from this chat is for someone to say what you're not saying- it's time to put yourself first.

The relationship ended, she's still there, and in many ways you're still playing the hero role as she lives her life.  Money is tight, no problem...you'll make it work.  Friends want to come over...no problem, you're the good partner.  Yet all of this is keeping you from processing what you're actually feeling and going through internally.

What matters right now, today, is for you to have enough space to process what to do next.  And that doesn't work with a roommate that you're still in love with.  It does increase the chances that romance will return to the equation, but it also increases the chances that you'll be heartbroken all over again.

I'm not saying to kick her out and take the scorched earth approach, but I do think you need to be completely honest with your feelings here.  If there's not an immediate path towards reconciling, then she should probably look for another place to live so each of you can focus on yourselves.

Also, it's okay to let her know how you feel and how hard all of this is for you emotionally.  Real men cry, real men are vulnerable...don't let Hollywood convince you otherwise.  You need time to grieve this relationship and make the right choices moving forward. 

And hey, maybe you reconcile at some point...that would be fantastic if that's what you want.  But you also have to be true to yourself today and make your own mental health a priority.

[RedBeard93]

Hi all,

I'm reading every post and it's bringing me a lot of comfort and support so thank you so much.

Thank you for the guidance on setting boundaries and giving her space and the same for putting my own mental health first. It's tough as I'm an extremely emotional person and I care deeply about those I love. I'm very much a carer / looker-afterer.

An update on Sunday where we were due to have a chat:

She had a busy weekend planned. A birthday present evening out on the Friday and then a BBQ at a friend's on the Saturday. So on the Sunday we agreed to have a roast dinner and chat.

She was feeling a bit worse for wear (medical conditions etc) and so I just started cooking and listened to music. She came down and helped with a few bits and then we ate together outside. After we ate I just started asking her about things in general, she laid down and seemed a little distant. When I suggest she go in and lie down if she wasn't feeling great she said "I thought we were leading into a chat".

It seemed like she very much was dreading it and I want her to be present when we talk, I know she had a few medical results coming through on the Monday alongside a very formal meeting at work that she was anxious about. So I thought we should leave the chat for now so she could rest up and prepare for the following day.

We stayed outside and chatted about how she was going to approach the meeting, she then went off and prepared some things and later in the evening came down and sat with me to go through some things she'd prepared. We then ended up watching TV together until around 11pm.

It's a doubled edged sword because I love spending time with her and she with me. But as stated in my original message I need to remember this is what she wants whereas for me its what I want too but when I wake up the next morning I remember we're not together and I'm back to square one.

We will definitely have a chat and I think I'll approach her on Wednesday when I know she's off for two days. I think I'm going to raise the following even through its really hard for me.

I was extremely happy and content with our future but I need to try and accept that my future now doesn't have you in it and it's a real struggle for me to process that with you in the house.

She wants me in her life because I mean a lot to her and she knows I'll move mountains for her, but she needs to understand the reason I did that was because we were in a relationship and she was going to be my wife. I can't be around to do that whilst she just gets on and lives her life without the responsibilities of a relationship.

Then I want to bring up plans to move out. I've not heard any updates since we first talked about it and I don't want to go full on and suggest a date but I think I'll ask what a timeline could look like for her.

Today I started looking around and enquired about a few rentals which felt sad but I was kind of ready to take that step to at least start looking.

Honestly it's just tough. But I think she's set on the relationship being over and I'm really trying to accept that and also getting a little emotionally drained.

Thanks for all the support.

[Pook075]

It sounds like you're handling all of this the right way.  You're leading with empathy while still realizing that you need to be true to yourself as well.   Yet you're doing it in a king, loving, patient way that's moving at her speed.

[RedBeard93]

Thank you that means a lot. I think I'm handling certain bits in the right way.

I think even though it hurts, if this relationship is done then I need to be on my own.

Last night when she came in she said hello asked if the pizza on the side was leftover and then got into bed and watched TV. She didn't tell me about her day which I'd expressed interest in on the weekend and in the day and she didn't ask about mine.

I was already quite emotional today and it got the better of me where I asked how her day was and we got talking. I went into her room, sat down and we talked about it. Throughout the whole time we talked I felt like I was extremely overwhelmed and maybe I should have just left the conversation politely at that point but instead at the end I bought up why I chose not to have the chat Sunday due to her having a lot of things on. Then I asked if we could chat soon maybe Tuesday or Wednesday as I feel we need to.

She said Wednesday would be good but Tuesday could work too. But when I mentioned this she seemed deflated and when I asked why she just said that after all her medical, work and therapy appointments today she just has a load of pent up anger and anxiety, it's nothing to do with me she just has a lot going on.

I also asked if she had anything to bring to the conversation and she said no. With this I said goodnight and left the room as I was getting extremely overwhelmed. I went for a walk and felt my emotions and ended up deactivating my Facebook which has been a big step for me as I know I need to get away from social media at least to stop checking it.

For me right now its really solidifying that she doesn't want this relationship and so based on that I know I need to look after myself and just centre the chat around moving out and when that could be possible.

Again thanks for all the support. It's just a struggle accepting that she's not my future anymore and that she's not there to pick me up like I did so many times for her constantly and that really hurts

[ForeverDad]

3) Gut check
Do you want a relationship with mutual trust and commitment? What does that look like for you? How do you establish - or re-establish this? Will she value your love and forgiveness, or get stuck in some difficult-to-process shame? What does success look like for you, for her, and can you get there?

BPD exists on a spectrum.  Some are milder, less dysfunctional, and a relationship is possible though not easy.  It appears she has been in therapy over the years.  Is she still participating?  It is possible she could have both BPD and ADHD, comorbid with traits of both.

There are other cases that develop over time and minor discord becomes more extreme.  You already have one post where the cycles worsened over time... 14 years, kids and divorce.  That was my experience too.  My ex was primed for dysfunction with a childhood exposed to a bad stepfather.  I thought I'd saved her but she was increasingly cycling into distress.  After a decade we tried for a child, I thought it would make her happier see a child discover the joys of life.  Clueless me, I didn't realize having children doesn't fix serious mental health issues.  Within a few years it worsened so bad we divorced and that process was so much more complicated with the added custody and parenting issues.

You might look back over your previous break ups and identify likely triggers or traumas.  Or maybe lesser things built up over time and then found a release, which for her was to break up for a while.  Just be aware that even if you two resolve this current break up, it could happen again.  The past can be a predictor for the future unless the issues are addressed.

[Pook075]

For me right now its really solidifying that she doesn't want this relationship and so based on that I know I need to look after myself and just centre the chat around moving out and when that could be possible.

Again thanks for all the support. It's just a struggle accepting that she's not my future anymore and that she's not there to pick me up like I did so many times for her constantly and that really hurts

Hey, none of us know the future.  It's possible she moves out, realizes she made a mistake, and you have one of the greatest love stories ever told someday.  Nobody is telling you to give up here because you still love her.

The advice is almost the opposite of giving up, it's placing a bet on yourself and doing everything in your power to grow, to heal, to be the best possible you.  That not only puts you in a great position to have a more fulfilling life if you guys do reconcile, but it also puts you in a great position if the relationship fails as well. 

Either way, by betting on yourself and turning your focus there, better days are ahead.

What's that look like?  You went for a walk the other day when you felt overwhelmed- that's good stuff.  When you feel frustrated, pivot.  Find what relaxes you, calms your thinking.  Discover old hobbies or start new ones; whether it's reading a book or taking a skydiving course.  The "what" doesn't matter, as long as you're passionate about it and it begins to fill a void.

For me, I started volunteering in prison ministry shortly after the breakup.  I was there to help others, but it helped me so much more in the process because I found myself once again.  Think about what activities could give you that same peace of mind- it can be anything that gets you moving and makes you smile.  That's where you start betting on yourself.