Co-parenting communication

[mona3]

 

I do not know how to answer my ex. He has full custody of my 5 month old baby and is being a total jerk. I am afraid of answering his messages as I do not want to say something that will later on be used against me, or show him my feelings and become vulnerable to getting back into his and his family's control. On the other hand, as many questions as I have over how he and his family are handling my baby, and with the fear of making a wrong move, I haven't been answering him. That brings me another fear of him using my silence against me and saying that I do not care about my child.

He has already stated that everything he is doing is "for the betterment of his son" and long story short, he really cannot see the effects his actions will have on the development of our baby.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  We hope you can benefit from our peer support.

Without at least some more details, it's hard to make a response.  It seems there has been some sort of legal actions that have happened for your child's father to have full custody.  Is it just temporary?  Do you get at least some parenting time?  Is there basis for this action?  Have you been nursing your baby and that has been obstructed?

Questions aside, the court order may state that parenting information should be shared between the parents.  If so then it would be wise to talk with him.  But be wise when doing so, be careful not to say anything that would make you look bad.

My divorce lawyer told me that his first task when he got a new client was to sit on the client.  Why?  Because the client might say or do something that would make his legal efforts harder to accomplish - and more expensive.  His thought was that silence was a protection but the reality is there does need to be some parenting matters shared.

So anytime you converse with him, imagine the judge sitting behind you looking over your shoulder.  That mental image will help you keep self-control and your composure as well as not to say too much or over-promise.

[mona3]

Hi ForeverDad,

Thank you for replying. This case is way beyond the scope of anyone's understanding. My therapist was even thinking I was going bonkers (that is until I read the transcript word for word).

Unfortunately the action states that it is indefinite. I do not get any parenting time at all, and the times he has offered to give me some, it has to be by his rules. This means I cannot be accompanied, we do not get to leave his side, and my family has no rights whatsoever to even see my son.

There is no basis for the action, sometimes I wish I really was an "unfit mother," I sound crazy, but I really am surprised these kinds of things happen in the US legal system, and unfortunately I do not think it wise to give too much information as to the case. 


I was solely breastfeeding him. As a matter of fact, the day I had to give up my baby, they gave me 1 hr and 30 min to get the baby to him, if not, I would go to jail. I had to put my son in danger because dad did not want to give any additional time for baby to arrive, despite him knowing there was a minimum of 75 minute drive without traffic, and we were right at peak traffic. Right before I gave him to dad, he was eating. I had to unlatch him to give him to dad in time so I would avoid going to jail. He did not want to use the OurFamilyWizzard App. I had to text him letting him know I had already sent him a message through there stating that he needed to remember the consequences hypoglycemia had on babies.

His attorney kept mentioning I had a "court order" to bring the baby to the courthouse when in fact, that was not the case (unless the attorney is a judge and signed the court order himself). My "there is a measles outbreak" is a ruse to play the system and isolate baby from dad and his family. He was one day from turning 4 months old. According to his lawyer, a 4 month old is not a teenager, therefore there is no imminent danger in having a baby go to a public place before having any type of immunity against viruses that can kill and have massive consequences later on in life.

A week after baby was with dad and dad's family, he was "no longer accepting any breastmilk." I highly doubt they even used my milk to feed him. (His mom had purchased formula when I was in my first trimester, and was trying to get me to stop breastfeeding since the first week after his birth). Also, they started feeding him solids at 4 months old, they did not even wait 2 weeks of formula to start. According to pediatricians, if a baby has been solely breastfed, they should start to be weaned at 6 months. He was placing a 4 month old into a walker, something that the American Academy of Pediatrics is trying to ban and he himself had already mentioned we would never buy!

Baby apparently is standing very well but not properly crawling. I am not sure if he says what he says to torture me, or if he really is not following the Hippocratic oath and actually doing things against the child's best interest. He had been saying the baby was going to walk before crawling.

I have not answered any message since April 13th after he stated he was going to start reading him the Bible and praying on a nightly basis. This is coming from a man who never prayed!!

He has sent me daily messages with pictures, but has only sent maximum 3 videos since the day this nightmare happened.

I am afraid of asking questions. I am afraid of saying things that will be used against me. I feel like I am an elephant trying not to break the egg shells I am walking on. I do not wish to not talk, but his messages are too repetitive, and I do not want to sound like him, a hypocrite.

My therapist and attorney do not want me to give into his manipulation or give him tools to make my life a living hell. I am trying so hard to find words to answer to him, but nothing comes to mind. Whenever his messages come in, my heart leaves my body and whenever I read those texts, it is as if I needed to find a way to be a robot. I have thought of using AI to answer his messages, but I really do not want to stoop to that level.

[ForeverDad]

My therapist and attorney do not want me to give into his manipulation or give him tools to make my life a living hell.

All I can imagine, at least here in the USA, is that your ex somehow convinced children's services and/or the court that you might endanger the baby.

The indefinite scope of the order without visitation makes me think it is only a temp or temporary order.  That's what happened to me.  My ex went to court and filed a protection order for herself and our child.  It was ex parte which means the court had only heard her side of the story.  The temp order stated I was to have no contact with her or our child just on her initial claims.  However, another hearing was scheduled for a few weeks later where we both had to appear.  I recall that the CPS investigator stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me and so our child was removed from the mother's protection order and the temp order was modified to include a split parenting schedule.

So I'm wonder if your court order is merely a temp order with a next hearing expected for you and your lawyer to present your side of the case?

Were allegations made against you as a person or as a parent?  (This is an online site so do not mention specific personally identifying details or locations.)

Is your lawyer experienced enough to handle high conflict cases?  This sure sounds like this could be one that becomes more than filling out forms and keeping you calm.