Co-parenting communication

[mona3]

 

I do not know how to answer my ex. He has full custody of my 5 month old baby and is being a total jerk. I am afraid of answering his messages as I do not want to say something that will later on be used against me, or show him my feelings and become vulnerable to getting back into his and his family's control. On the other hand, as many questions as I have over how he and his family are handling my baby, and with the fear of making a wrong move, I haven't been answering him. That brings me another fear of him using my silence against me and saying that I do not care about my child.

He has already stated that everything he is doing is "for the betterment of his son" and long story short, he really cannot see the effects his actions will have on the development of our baby.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  We hope you can benefit from our peer support.

Without at least some more details, it's hard to make a response.  It seems there has been some sort of legal actions that have happened for your child's father to have full custody.  Is it just temporary?  Do you get at least some parenting time?  Is there basis for this action?  Have you been nursing your baby and that has been obstructed?

Questions aside, the court order may state that parenting information should be shared between the parents.  If so then it would be wise to talk with him.  But be wise when doing so, be careful not to say anything that would make you look bad.

My divorce lawyer told me that his first task when he got a new client was to sit on the client.  Why?  Because the client might say or do something that would make his legal efforts harder to accomplish - and more expensive.  His thought was that silence was a protection but the reality is there does need to be some parenting matters shared.

So anytime you converse with him, imagine the judge sitting behind you looking over your shoulder.  That mental image will help you keep self-control and your composure as well as not to say too much or over-promise.

[mona3]

Hi ForeverDad,

Thank you for replying. This case is way beyond the scope of anyone's understanding. My therapist was even thinking I was going bonkers (that is until I read the transcript word for word).

Unfortunately the action states that it is indefinite. I do not get any parenting time at all, and the times he has offered to give me some, it has to be by his rules. This means I cannot be accompanied, we do not get to leave his side, and my family has no rights whatsoever to even see my son.

There is no basis for the action, sometimes I wish I really was an "unfit mother," I sound crazy, but I really am surprised these kinds of things happen in the US legal system, and unfortunately I do not think it wise to give too much information as to the case. 


I was solely breastfeeding him. As a matter of fact, the day I had to give up my baby, they gave me 1 hr and 30 min to get the baby to him, if not, I would go to jail. I had to put my son in danger because dad did not want to give any additional time for baby to arrive, despite him knowing there was a minimum of 75 minute drive without traffic, and we were right at peak traffic. Right before I gave him to dad, he was eating. I had to unlatch him to give him to dad in time so I would avoid going to jail. He did not want to use the OurFamilyWizzard App. I had to text him letting him know I had already sent him a message through there stating that he needed to remember the consequences hypoglycemia had on babies.

His attorney kept mentioning I had a "court order" to bring the baby to the courthouse when in fact, that was not the case (unless the attorney is a judge and signed the court order himself). My "there is a measles outbreak" is a ruse to play the system and isolate baby from dad and his family. He was one day from turning 4 months old. According to his lawyer, a 4 month old is not a teenager, therefore there is no imminent danger in having a baby go to a public place before having any type of immunity against viruses that can kill and have massive consequences later on in life.

A week after baby was with dad and dad's family, he was "no longer accepting any breastmilk." I highly doubt they even used my milk to feed him. (His mom had purchased formula when I was in my first trimester, and was trying to get me to stop breastfeeding since the first week after his birth). Also, they started feeding him solids at 4 months old, they did not even wait 2 weeks of formula to start. According to pediatricians, if a baby has been solely breastfed, they should start to be weaned at 6 months. He was placing a 4 month old into a walker, something that the American Academy of Pediatrics is trying to ban and he himself had already mentioned we would never buy!

Baby apparently is standing very well but not properly crawling. I am not sure if he says what he says to torture me, or if he really is not following the Hippocratic oath and actually doing things against the child's best interest. He had been saying the baby was going to walk before crawling.

I have not answered any message since April 13th after he stated he was going to start reading him the Bible and praying on a nightly basis. This is coming from a man who never prayed!!

He has sent me daily messages with pictures, but has only sent maximum 3 videos since the day this nightmare happened.

I am afraid of asking questions. I am afraid of saying things that will be used against me. I feel like I am an elephant trying not to break the egg shells I am walking on. I do not wish to not talk, but his messages are too repetitive, and I do not want to sound like him, a hypocrite.

My therapist and attorney do not want me to give into his manipulation or give him tools to make my life a living hell. I am trying so hard to find words to answer to him, but nothing comes to mind. Whenever his messages come in, my heart leaves my body and whenever I read those texts, it is as if I needed to find a way to be a robot. I have thought of using AI to answer his messages, but I really do not want to stoop to that level.

[ForeverDad]

My therapist and attorney do not want me to give into his manipulation or give him tools to make my life a living hell.

All I can imagine, at least here in the USA, is that your ex somehow convinced children's services and/or the court that you might endanger the baby.

The indefinite scope of the order without visitation makes me think it is only a temp or temporary order.  That's what happened to me.  My ex went to court and filed a protection order for herself and our child.  It was ex parte which means the court had only heard her side of the story.  The temp order stated I was to have no contact with her or our child just on her initial claims.  However, another hearing was scheduled for a few weeks later where we both had to appear.  I recall that the CPS investigator stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me and so our child was removed from the mother's protection order and the temp order was modified to include a split parenting schedule.

So I'm wonder if your court order is merely a temp order with a next hearing expected for you and your lawyer to present your side of the case?

Were allegations made against you as a person or as a parent?  (This is an online site so do not mention specific personally identifying details or locations.)

Is your lawyer experienced enough to handle high conflict cases?  This sure sounds like this could be one that becomes more than filling out forms and keeping you calm.

[mona3]

When I fled my home with my baby, he filed for divorce with an emergency pickup motion. The lawyers I was working with, had never seen someone do that. I didn't take him out of state or out of country, so he had no basis to doing that.

I got the injunction, and when we had the trial, the judge decided she was only going to hear about the domestic violence against me and not the baby. Dad was shaking baby and using him to call my attention and keep me under his control. It was a nightmare!! So obviously, I was not going to center the DV only on myself if the worst part of the nightmare was against my newborn. I voluntarily dismissed my DV, and open two new ones, properly done (one with an OBO, the other on my behalf). These injunctions were given by another judge on the same day that judge decided to grant his emergency pickup order. Luckily, he could not pick up our son as we had been granted another DV.

It was such a nightmare that his mom told the police my mother had taken the baby out of the country. My mom was in the car with me, and my son was at home with my grandma. She also stated we were aggressive. And my ex, obviously started telling the police he didn't care about his stuff (and later on asked for everything), and that he didn't want to send me to jail for not following orders (yet, he tried doing just that).

This order is indefinite, which is why I am trying to change the judge. She has been biased from day one.

They are saying I have been playing the system since day 1, I had started the DV on a "frivolous basis" because I am a "scorned woman on a scorched earth journey."

I regret not ever having called the cops on him. I did call the DCF, but apparently DCF only keeps a case open if they see a physically hurt or dead child. Since the person saw a sleeping baby with no problems, he is perfectly fine! Luckily my baby did not have any shaken baby syndrome, however, that doesn't mean the events did not occur.

When my attorneys tried presenting my witnesses and exhibits, the judge already had made her decision. She did not even listen to me, she stated I had opened everything barely on suspicions. I saw the way he shook my son multiple times. I saw the way he would be alone with my son, and baby would cry so loudly and so unconsolably that it was frightening.

According to them, I am playing the system, his attorney can tell my intentions just by looking at me, and I am insane enough to not be a fit mom. When I gave birth to my son, his mom tried kicking my family out while I was getting induced, the day of the birth he tried getting me to kick my mom and sister out before I was ready to get any visitors so his mom and dad could go into the room. (mind you, I was still naked and getting stitched). Since I left the hospital, I tried going back to my study sessions, he kept interrupting me, trying to pick fights, etc. I was being isolated from my family, and he was stalking me to the point where my family had to react. He claims, everything that happened was mass psychosis on behalf of my family. He claims in court I have postpartum psychosis and postpartum depression. He even told the cops I had postpartum rage.

The happiest moment of my life, I did not get to enjoy. After having the perfect pregnancy, and being so excited to meet my baby, I hit a huge storm and did not get to enjoy the experience.  Depression lowers the production of breastmilk, after more than a month of not having my son around, I am still producing milk.

My attorney is a criminalist. He understands these people's brains. He was the one who opened my mom's eyes about the situation, and I really do regret having started with a different attorney.

To only think, this "team member" of mine was "supporting all my life decisions" yet he was unwilling to have my family around during my recovery. He was unwilling to help me lower the tension around his mom and her pushing us to switch from breastfeeding to formula and all the other drama they created. He was unwilling to support me with my studies. He was always supporting his family, and I was always on the back-burner. His dad would insult me, calling me useless, irresponsible, etc. His mom was always love bombing me, their friends were always trying to brainwash me into submission. They were always playing good cop bad cop.

We were going to go live in Iowa for his work. I was willing to go live with him, when his family already had plans to go with us, and my family, as per his boundaries, could not stay overnight more than one night. Even if we had stayed, my family lived at least 75 min driving, and about 3 hours on plane. When we went to his interview, they asked what his family thought of moving. He and his family were always telling me our family unit was now the three of us. He told these people they were 100% on board with him moving.  When we came back, his mom's. bestfriend was telling me I had to stay because my family was here, yet his family was the only people around. They all live 15 minutes away from us, whereas my family are not even in the same county.

When I say the past 5 months have been a living hell. I am going to a therapist, and she is surprised I am not depressed yet. I told her my Edinburgh test was high, and he is using that against me, but due to the circumstances there is no way for that score to be high.

I even think the fright has over-ridden the depression. The anxiety of having my son around him and his family, is slowly killing me. I fortunately have been able to continue moving forward because of the support I have, and I am not willing to leave more than 15 years of trying to work towards my medical degree to be thrown away by someone who got ecstatic when I was about to throw the towel.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're stuck in this nightmare and I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

I read your entire story and I'm perplexed to say the least- I'm not sure how that happens in the United States.  But for now, that's outside your control and it shouldn't be your focus.  Focus on what you can directly control.

You asked about co-parenting communication, so that's a great place to start.  He's sending daily photos and occasional videos- that's fantastic.  You do need to reply though, even if it's to say, "I miss the baby so much and I appreciate the photos."

Do you want photos over actually being there?  Of course not.  But it's what you have today and you're at the mercy of the legal system.

Also, a few questions- has the father been diagnosed with BPD?  Or is it suspected?  Tell us a little about his journey and what brought you to this site.  We'll help in any way that we can.

[mona3]

Hi Pook075

I am trying to find ways to answer him. I have been told to answer short and concise without stating any of my feelings as that feeds him tools to gain control over myself.

I do not know how to reply when all I have are questions and thoughts (like baby shouldn't be standing before knowing how to crawl.... something that apparently he is doing)!!

There are many things I want to say but don't have ways to say things without showing my feelings or knowledge, another issue.... He is finishing up with his family med MD, I am just starting my third year of MD, so I have been told to keep my knowledge to myself as I am not an expert.

Everything is eating me up inside!

To my knowledge, he has not been diagnosed with any personality disorders. I suspect it because BPD has a higher risk of occurring in people who have been abused, and since he and his sister were supposedly sexually abused by his mom's sister's husband, it adds to my suspicion. However, I spoke to someone who works with abuse victims and she thinks he has NPD. She was telling me that abuse is a learnt behavior, and since his mom also has a very weird relationship with her siblings (to the point she only speaks to one of her siblings), she thinks that mom also has traces of a personality disorder from what they show through their actions.

I think I would have never noticed there was something wrong if his mom hadn't tried kicking my family out of the hospital the day I got induced, and then exploded on my family because my sister is a "venom" since she and her husband couldn't go into the birthing room. Sometimes I even think he works under her control as when I started pushing, he was already touching base with his family, and right when I was done, he became extremely possessive of us, tried kicking my mom and sister from the room against my desires, and then started having more issues with self control as the month went by. It would get to the point where he would follow me to the bathroom and it got to the point where the day I fled with my son and siblings, he was not ok with me going into the bathroom to do my business before feeding my son. I was no longer a person.

We did not make it to our second year anniversary because of the way I started fearing for my life from his and his family's actions. After fighting with me and trying to kick my family out so his family could be with me alone, he walked out with his gun inside its safe to a "friends' house," a place where he usually drinks with his family and their friends on a weekly basis. I took that opportunity and left as before the baby was born, he had spent some time there and came home humiliating me for being "irresponsible" and having no rights in giving my house keys to my dad, and later on taking no responsibility for my actions. His family can have a set of keys all the time, but my family couldn't have the keys for a week.

Also, I went to visit my family for my brother's graduation, got an u/s with my mom, sister, grandma, and aunt. That was a huge problem because I hadn't asked him for permission to do so. When his mom picked me up from the hospital, she reprimanded me, and reiterated that his sister (her daughter) couldn't find out for anything in the world that I had done said thing. I never saw an issue sharing my baby with my family while I was with them for the limited amount of time, and then sharing with his family while I was "at home" for the unlimited amount of time we would be around them.

Sorry, I may not have the postpartum rage he says I have, but I am extremely angry at the situation. I look back in time, and the more I think of it, the more I start thinking he never really loved me.

I came across this website because I was doing research as to how I should answer him, specially since a person who never prays, was now willing to pray on a daily basis with his son at night. He invited me to doing that on April 12, and after that, I just haven't thought of was to answer his messages daily. The way he sends information to us is just the same thing over and over again, on a daily basis. There is even no way of talking to him as everything he ever says is the same thing over and over again. To the point where since he says the same thing over and over again, there is not really anything to answer as his messages are the same every day.

[ForeverDad]

He could very well be co-morbid with traits of multiple Personality Disorders.  The problem that most here face is that, in most cases, unless the other gets a close review and assessment, we seldom learn of a PD diagnosis.  Well, not unless it's a high profile case like the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard fiasco a few years ago.

On top of that, domestic or family court seems to be a place where serious mental health issues are studiously ignored.  It assumes or hopes the discord and conflict is the result of the separation and the heightened emotions will later settle down once the handles things.  However, as William Eddy (lawyer, mediator, and author*) noted, 10-15% of divorce cases involved acting out PDs such as NPD or BPD.

* William A. Eddy is author of "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

It appears your ex is not afraid to blatantly lie and he will not hesitate to make you appear worse than him.  Ponder that reality.  It may take time, but you need to accumulate facts and documentation to counter his claims and accusations.

Family courts don't try to "fix" people with issues.  (We do well to follow that example, especially since relationship partners seldom succeed when BPD or NPD is in the mix, even after years of trying.)  Court issues orders which are synonymous to what we with lesser Authority call Boundaries.  Likely you tried to set proper boundaries on your ex, but he ignored them.  That's typical with acting-out PDs.  Instead boundaries are for us.  That is, our boundaries are our response to poor behaviors.  See the boundary articles on our Tools & Skills workshops board.

I would like to clarify and expand on what I wrote earlier, since I had only mentioned endangerment.  Courts and children's agencies will view as more actionable incidents of (1) endangerment or (2) neglect.

Does the order allow you the option for interim supervised visitation?  It is shocking to hear that you haven't seen your child on reasonable terms.  If not, then seeking an interim modification is appropriate, of course not that you are satisfied with only supervised visits.  Most likely he will oppose any arrangement that does keep him in full control.  If he will not allow your mother or responsible adult to supervise, then there is the option to pay for professional supervisors.  There are agencies that do that.

[mona3]

I guess I had to learn this before psych rotations.

I am trying to get him psych evaluation through a forensic psychiatrist, just like he has been trying to do with me, stating that there was a court order involved, which there is none involved yet.

I feel like this case is more movie like than Depp and Heard.

I was not aware of any of the information you are giving me.

My ex has lied multiple times in court already, once stating that I was seducing him and what I stated about that portion of the DV was solely due to my actions. Last time I checked, someone in pain from hips turning back into their normal location, on daily fights, and not enjoying their holidays is not going to do such a thing. That was only one among many other lies he has said under oath.

This is why the day the court decided not to approve my injunction, I started using the OurFamilyWizzard app. I have to find a way to prove his lies but I just haven't found anything at all. The things he states about the 5 month old standing before properly knowing how to crawl, has me worried. He even searched up through OpenEvidence if a 5 month old was able to walk. That is done at 9 months.

The boundaries I set was with his family, and he always put his family before his pregnant wife and baby (whom he called an abstract thing after getting angry at me for having taken an ultrasound without his permission or his family being present). When he decided to put boundaries it was practically putting me into 100% submission. That was one of the reasons I ran away from him. Really, multiple reasons led me to take the action I did. It took me a while to put file for a DV case, but I regret not having done it faster.

As a matter of fact, the day we ran away from him, when I got to my grandma's house, I found out he had paid a divorce attorney on the 27th of December, one month after his son was born, 2-3 days before trying to sexually abuse me.

I have no supervision whatsoever. My parents are siblings are a plane ride away, he won't allow my grandma or uncles to be anywhere near him as he "fears" their actions. His attorney already read the writ we placed and has reacted in a way my attorney had stated they would.

Worse off, Mother's Day is coming up, and due to his actions, I'm pretty sure he is going to offer baby once again and do exactly what he did for easter. My birthday is coming up as well, and since his mom's birthday is the day after, I am pretty sure he is going to throw the bait and punish me for taking it and punish me for not taking it. This situation has me in a room whose walls and ceiling is shrinking.

I feel like I am living in a horror movie.

I will read up on the workshops!! Thank you.

P.S. sorry, my brain doesn't function with grammar 

[mona3]

BTW, is it normal to feel like everything is your own fault? Like the reality is just in your brain and there is really truth to the opposite of my observations?

I ask because despite me having multiple witnesses that saw the same thing, and saw what I was blind to throughout the whole marriage and pregnancy, I just feel like he is right, and I am going crazy. I feel like my observations and feelings were not based on real facts.

I blame myself for what is happening. I feel like I really am not a good mom, and his claims of me being an unfit mother are true.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, there is even a book by William Eddy, "It's All Your Fault!"  Many members arrived here clueless that it really wasn't our fault.  We were just bombarded so much and so long that they convinced us it was us and not them.  That's why our sins may be lesser ones of omission but their sins are greater ones of commission.

Bill Eddy's www.HighConflictInstitute.com might still have a link to seek limited advice or even references to respected lawyers in your area whom you can interview or seek consultations.  One possible link: https://www.highconflicttraining.com/consultation

Have you watched the movie Gaslight (1944) with Ingrid Bergman & Charles Boyer? There was a British production in 1940 but I felt it wasn't nearly as well done.

Then too there was a scary modern day movie quite similar set on the west coast, Pacific Heights, starring Matthew Modine, Melanie Griffith and Michael Keaton.

I too was inexperienced in how to weave my way through the psych and legal convolutions of the family court system.  One facet was getting Psych Evals.  I didn't realize they were just an overview of the litigants.  Sort of a 30,000 foot overview, without digging deeper into whether either spouse's parenting was beneficial or problematic.  If Psych Evals are ordered, ensure you are both ordered to comply.  Why?  Often in court cases there is one litigant (the claimed victim) versus the other (the claimed perp).  So the "perp" has to jump through all sorts of loops whereas the "victim" isn't scrutinized.  So if your ex is posing as the victim or the protector of the baby then there is risk no one will order an equally close look at him too.  Hence my admonition to level the field, make sure your lawyer maneuvers the case so he shares scrutiny as well.  After all, you both are making allegations against the other so the court, in all fairness neutrality ought to examine both of you equally.  (Sorry, but "fairness" is not an assured thing in legal struggles and decisions.)

Early in my separation we were both ordered to get a Psych Eval.  I spent an hour or so filling out forms and a test plus a brief interview by a college grad student.  My result was "anxiety".  Hers?  I never found out.  For all I know she never even complied with the order.  That was it, the lawyers simply moved on.

We had a court order psych evals early in our case for both of us.  That started as a good thing but I flubbed it.  The risk with such orders is three-fold.  First, if only you get ordered to comply then you are typically seen as the accused and the other as the victim, not good.  You need the other parent to be scrutinized too!  If any order could cast you as the perp or let the other parent avoid being scrutinized, then if at all possible, get any ordered evaluations applied to both of you.  Second, these are only an overview of a person's mental state and don't even try to assess the impact on parenting and the children.  Third, the other spouse may not comply.  That's what happened to me.

During my separation in 2005-2006 we both were ordered to submit to psych evals and provide our results to the court and lawyers.  I complied.  (The quickie eval concluded I had "anxiety".)  Then silence.  Where was then-stbEx's eval?  To this day I still haven't seen it nor do I know whether she even got a psych eval at all...

My conclusion:  Any order, deal or process where both of you have to do something and provide it to the court and lawyers, you cannot risk complying first.  There is real risk the other side will simply not comply and not even be held accountable.  So I advocate this in such situations:  Tell your lawyer you have complied, maybe even provide the results to your lawyer but then instruct your lawyer to hold it (sort of as is done in escrow) until the other party is ready to exchange the results.

What I did was ask for an in-depth Custody Evaluation and fortunately we chose a respected child psychologist as the custody evaluator.  That was important, too many possible evaluators could be rookie lawyers.  Often real experts don't want to bother with complicated cases that could take many months to complete.  Be forewarned that a CE is expensive.

One more thought... if he is this willing to make such allegations to maintain control over you, have you or your lawyer searched court records in the areas where he has resided for legal cases where he is either the petitioner or the respondent?  Quite likely there is history of prior litigated relationships to be found in past dockets.  Perhaps not impacting your case directly, but a background that would be uncovered.

[mona3]

Thank you ForeverDad,

This advice, links, literature, and movies are great places to start. I shall look for both movies and time to watch them. Thank you!

So my lawyer states that there is no legal grounds to demand a psych evaluation unless the person gives us the reason to ask for it. So, even though his lawyer has been demanding one from me, it is not something I will have to submit to, and we can't demand something without first proving the need for it. I am praying we get the change of juror so we can start fresh, this way he can get a deposition and then have the legal grounds to get him evaluated instead of slipping into his attorney's terms and conditions.  

A few issues come up with this case. Our baby is only 5 months old, so he cannot yet speak. My psychologist says babies are very resilient, so he will survive his time with dad, aunt, and grandparents. Having said this, what does an "in-depth custody evaluation" consist of? Could you walk me through your experience please?

I searched the records. His family is extremely dysfunctional, he had the perfect opportunity to get a new life and start over, and he didn't take it.

Through time he mentioned his dad's sister was living with an ex, who had abused her. She is now taking care of him and supposedly he is always calling the cops on her claiming she is doing stuff to him. She supposedly had one of her husbands killed in front of her while holding her kids in her arms. Her daughter apparently was married to what seems to be an abusive family. She took out DVs against her daughter's dad and what seems to be paternal grandma/aunts. Her son passed away not so long ago from overdose.

Now, I find out his dad's other sister filed for some DVs, her son apparently had a DV or two against him as well. She still lives with her husband.

And from mom's side of the family, she only talks to one of her siblings. She would say it was because of the way her siblings would treat her mom. She cut all ties with the sister who lived 15-20 minutes away because her husband supposedly sexually abused her children. She supposedly found out about her death 6 months later! Said husband was still alive last year.

I say supposedly with maternal family because of a few reasons. One, sister dead, in law alive, is now in-law dead, sister alive. Two, I have seen her lies! She cornered me because I was being "emotionally immature" since I did not want to talk to her because of the ****-show she caused during my induction and delivery, cutting all ties with my family, treating my grandma like a piece of ****, calling my sister a "venom" for not letting her go into my labor room while I was still naked, etc.

So, I have started doubting a lot of their "truths."  What I thought once was "normal" for having cut ties with her sister who allowed something like that to happen, now I think may have much more behind locked doors than I can imagine. I think the rest of her family shut her off and not the other way around.

It seems like my ex is scared ****less of his parents. I really do wonder if many things that were said were all really their truths or just plain lies. I feel terrible for thinking this, but I wonder If what happened to them as kids was a figment of their parent's imagination turned into reality.

What's worse off, my medical background tells me that he projects a lot. He told me the events at the hospital were due to massive psychosis on behalf of my family, and later on told the court I had postpartum psychosis. This is the reason I am putting those two pieces together. His mom told the cop when she came to pick up the baby, that my mom had taken my son out of state, and that she was scared about everything. My mom was in the car with me, and my baby at home with my grandma.

How do you make your brain not pay attention to details, and make conclusions on your own? How do you detach from your real perp and stop making conspiracy theories? I find it weird how when my baby was taken from me 100%, it took about a week and a half for me to start becoming a conspiracy theorist and now, there is no stopping me. My psychologist tells me to take a deep breath and think of other things, do other things, but it doesn't seem possible.

[ForeverDad]

When I mentioned ex's legal encounters and filed complaints, I meant his, not his family's issues.  His family's issues may be helpful for background but legally not likely to have much impact on your case.

I was thinking he may have filed allegations against past ex's or them filing something against him.  Though you never know what may be found unless you look.

During the divorce we had a Parenting Investigation by the court's social worker.  She saw or heard enough to state her license didn't allow her to make any custody recommendations to the court so she recommended an in-depth Custody Evaluation.  (Around here we highly recommend custody evaluations - but also warn that the choice of a CE can make or break a case.)  My lawyer chose a child psychologist, so good he said the court always adopted his recommendations as if they came from God.  My lawyer also warned me that he might recommend against me.

CEs are expensive and can take many months but my CE was only 4-5 months and he charged less than the going rate.  His recommendation was insightful, summarizing that "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can" and I should move up from alternate weekends to equal time.  Also, that if Shared Parenting failed then I should have custody.  So it worked out okay, not great.  The downside was that court didn't choose to recognize *why* there was long term conflict and so court chose to only make small improvements for a few years until I eventually did end up with custody and majority time.

CE's include interviews  and a few psychological tests such as MMPI.  What made a difference also was observing how we interacted with our preschooler when spending time with each parent.

[mona3]

Wow! At least you got the majority.

I sent the idea to my attorney, but he doesn't seem to understand the method behind this as our baby is still so young.

[mona3]

I am not sure how to make changes on posts so I add to the previous post here.

How did you end up getting the court to take that into consideration?

[ForeverDad]

Mine turned out to be a two year divorce.  (1) The court reissued the same temp order we had during our initial separation time.  (2) We were both ordered to take parenting classes, my ex chose to take hers separately, still clinging to posing as a scared victim.  (3) Then mediation which naturally failed, ex was too entitled not realizing Court was The Big Authority.  (4) Then we were ordered Parenting Investigation (5) which resulted in a 5 month Custody Evaluation.  (6) Then a couple months allowed for the Settlement Conference attempt which lasted all of 5 minutes before it exploded.  (7) Then a couple months to schedule the Trial.  Not surprisingly, on Trial Day she finally was ready to settle "on the court house steps".  (8) Then a couple months to have the Final Decree issued.

Essentially I had to go through each court step, including a few continuances that simply delayed progress.

Although settlements usually fail when attempted early in our divorce cases - ex is simply too entitled - eventually most of our cases to reach settlement, usually just before a major hearing or trial.

One complaint I've often mentioned here is that neither the lawyers nor the magistrate were inclined to modify that lopsided divorce temp order which was nearly identical to the initial separation temp order.  Not fair or equitable, especially not to our child, but that's what I had to work with.

Another point I make is that you have to get the best (least bad) temp order from the start.  I recall my otherwise excellent lawyer whispering to me, "Shh. We'll fix it later."  Yeah, that took two years. 

You're already at a severe disadvantage in the current order.  It is untenable  and needs to be corrected sooner than later.  Have you pursued getting guidance, referrals or advice from HighConflictInstitute?

[mona3]

I really appreciate you walking me through your experience.

I paid for one of the classes and am listening to the podcast videos, but have to figure out my schedule and the $$ issue before I can make the appointment to talk to someone.  My family will help me with the costs but the schedule is kinda playing it hard.

My issue with everything is he states baby is standing without support already, he hasn't even turned 6 months, that milestone is reached between 9-16 months. He states our son isn't crawling very well yet. I don't know if he is saying these kinds of things to torture me, or if he is actually doing it and going against nature, thereby creating negative consequences that will end up hurting my son.

It really isn't a nice feeling knowing according to law, I cannot overstep, and according to maternal instincts I should be biting his head off like lions and tigers do when their babies are being attacked.

[mona3]

I had filed for supervised visitations only since he had been so aggressive with baby and had already checked all the marks in a DV, to the point where he was threatening me to take my son from me without being able to do anything about it.

At this point, I wish I were the one doing projections and was getting reprimanded for my actions. Is it normal to be thinking like that? I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, but is it normal for a victim to think she is the one with BPD?How do you work your way through those lies and stop believing the game your own brain is now playing on you?

It hurts me to think that everything that he claims is believed by the court. They sanctioned my attorneys for having taken on a "frivolous" case from a "scorned woman on a scorched earth journey" and the court actually believes this crap.

I am no longer producing any more milk. I was still pumping but it really didn't work any further. I really do wish the moms who use that as an excuse knew the pain I feel when my baby was literally taken from my breast the way he did it to me. I even sent him more milk to be picked up, and he answers that my son was no longer accepting any of my breastmilk. This was within a week or two. I know that doesn't happen, but it really was something that I actually believed for a second. He never actually went to pick it up at all.

His mother from my first trimester had already purchased formula without even consulting with me. When I spoke about it with my husband, he defended her saying that she was only doing it so that the baby wouldn't have to go through hunger if I didn't produce any milk at all. When my baby was finally here with us, she was really pushing me to stop breastfeeding him and start using formula. Again, against my wishes!! He never defended me, and although he claimed he wanted our children to be strictly breastfed, his actions spoke otherwise. She ended up getting what she wanted. It really is torture when they play with your body as they desire. When they claim your family is intrusive, when in reality it's his family in that position. It becomes even worse when his claims against my family are believed in court.

The fact we tried to negotiate with them from the start once they asked for it and they were completely closed off, makes me believe he really is just getting away with things for his own ego instead of his son's wellbeing. I don't even know what to do in order for my attorney to actually work towards my case and win. I say win because there is no better term to use.

During the whole time before even getting pregnant, I would constantly repeat to his family that I wanted to upbringing my children the way my family did with my siblings and myself. I wanted to have my children experience both sides of the family equally. They wanted to monopolize my child, they got what they desired, and what's worse, they claim my family is the one isolating my baby from them.

I am trying to find solutions, but my creativity is not working. My problem solving skills are null. I feel like I am creating problems for my lawyers, and my fears are getting out of hand. My psychologist is helping me out, and hears me out, tells me I am not having any issues with the situation because it is normal to be feeling this way and thinking like this. I need to find a way to forget about being human, and have the power to detach from my emotions, think with a cold brain, but I feel like she isn't giving me the tools to be able to do that.

I feel like asking for the tie breaker and decision making status, as we had already asked for, will be given to dad by the court without even a blink of an eye.

My constitutional rights were not respected by this court. Really, who would have thought the US was going to have such a corrupt court. My fear is that I will be seen as the stubborn ex with the issues and lies , as has already occurred.

I spent 3 weeks without answering his bullPLEASE READ twice a day texts. He repeats the same things over and over again, and I was just not going to play. I was advised to not ask anything as he is only going to lie about his answers and will not show the truth. He will play with my sanity, my feelings, and I should not open that Pandora's box. What is even worse, it makes me look like the parent who isn't worried about her kid. I had a huge list of questions, and I chickened out from sending them since I was told it would be a disservice to my own sanity. I should keep everything short and sweet, and not open doors to full blown conversations. Everything has been impossible. If I want to write something, I can't send it because I am afraid of stepping on a mine. If I decide to open up the scene for a conversation, I will end up getting hurt.

I feel like I will seem to be more focused on my career and finances. If I don't focus on my career, not only will I be caving into his desire for me to not be a physician, as has been my whole life. And on the other hand, if I don't focus on my career, I won't be able to properly take care of my son.

As for finances, he was always claiming he was going to be the provider of the house. He even claimed we had two heads in the relationship and he should be the head and I should be the heart. Yet, the hospital visit, he never payed (for our son, cause my insurance covered everything on my end), J's first pediatrician's visit, he still hasn't paid (something he gets for free since he works with that clinic, and the doc who saw J is not only a student (just like him), but works in that same clinic). So, now I am in the red, I am in collections (the mail that never reached me on time), and I am the bad guy.

Any mom in her right mind sees her children as extensions of herself. That is why good moms treat the children in a way that teaches them love and care but also encourages them to grow, fall get up and try again. At least that is what I thought was a good mom! Someone who supports their children as she supports her selves. Challenges them as she challenges herself. Unfortunately, I am now thinking my views of life isn't the reality.

I want to ask him for 3 videos daily as he stated he would send me videos and has only done it thrice during the 6 weeks he has had my son. I just haven't figure out how to not overstep and ruin my case somehow.