Questions about potential divorce. She has told me she will be moving to another

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi:

I am trying to save my marriage but it seems like a loosing battle sometimes. She and my 8 year old son have an issue where during the winter, there hands gets very dry and actually crack and start to bleed. She has stated that eventually she wants to move our west for this.

Whenever she throws divorce in my face, she says she is going to be moving out west with Tommy and find a real man (almost numb to that one). My question is, in New Jersey, can she do this? I am a great father and would fight for at least joint custody (this is for another time, if it came to that) and I am curious how the courts would handle this.

Has anyone had to deal with something like this? The reason I ask is if there is any chance of this, I think I will have no choice except to continue to deal with the abuse until I hopefully can continue to use the resources on this site to improve our communication and relationship by setting boundaries.

Thanks you to anyone reading my post. In only a short amount of time, your support is amaing! Just reading that I am not alone in this makes me sad for everyone else but also makes me not feel alone being there are others in this mess like me.

Fedup

[fedup2017th]

Hi:

I am trying to save my marriage but it seems like a loosing battle sometimes. She and my 8 year old son have an issue where during the winter, there hands gets very dry and actually crack and start to bleed. She has stated that eventually she wants to move our west for this.

Whenever she throws divorce in my face, she says she is going to be moving out west with Tommy and find a real man (almost numb to that one). My question is, in New Jersey, can she do this? I am a great father and would fight for at least joint custody (this is for another time, if it came to that) and I am curious how the courts would handle this.

Has anyone had to deal with something like this? The reason I ask is if there is any chance of this, I think I will have no choice except to continue to deal with the abuse until I hopefully can continue to use the resources on this site to improve our communication and relationship by setting boundaries.

Thanks you to anyone reading my post. In only a short amount of time, your support is amaing! Just reading that I am not alone in this makes me sad for everyone else but also makes me not feel alone being there are others in this mess like me.

Fedup

[takingandsending]

hi fedup.

That is a really difficult situation, to be threatened with your son being taken for a dermatological issue that may have a host of workable solutions. I have not read your story, but most states have laws preventing a parent from relocating a child. And in this case, you are still married! I would look up New Jersey laws on relocation of child in divorce and become familiar with the criteria, in the event that you do move to dissolve the marriage.

I am currently in collaborative divorce proceedings with my wife, and she, too, has threatened to move my S5 and S11. It is very stressful to be faced with that type of threat. I have to remind myself that this is my STBuBPDxw's poor method of coping with stressful situations. She is attempting to convince herself she is in control by threatening me. I can only maintain boundaries and empathize/validate her fear to the extent I have capacity for. Keep reading the communication tools, but I'd also suggest talking to an attorney.

[ForeverDad]

A few years ago my son had the back of his hands get red and dry, though his palms were just fine, his mother always fussed over them as though she was the only one to help him.  I told him, along with the school nurse and his pediatrician who agreed, he needed to wash his hands frequently but putting less or no soap on the backs of his hands.

[david]

I live in Pa. Our youngest son was diagnosed with eczema when he was much younger and I was an EOW dad. I got 50/50 in 2010. I got a water filtration system to take out chlorine and other things in our water. His skin cleared up significantly after that. The doc said he may have outgrown it too. His skin is sensitive and does react to the cold months but not like before. Ex used to scrub his skin with a cloth and soap all the time. She would then put a lotion on his skin. He is 13 now and washes himself when at his moms. I believe it was a combination of those things.

[Stolen]

I have found Triamcinolone 0.1% cream is a miracle for a host of winter (cold/dry) skin issues.  Rx only.

[ForeverDad]

Regarding water and chlorine, a potential irritant... .  I have a cistern, not municipal water.  Sometimes I add bleach to sanitize the cistern a bit but I don't trust tap cistern water for drinking.  For years I would fill gallon jugs with reverse osmosis water from stores.  That cost maybe $150 or more each year.  Finally I listened to some relatives and bought a countertop water purification system.  Two large stainless steel canisters for gravity feed from top (input fill) to bottom (output).  A fill for the medium size I bought is a gallon at a time.  So I'm able to fill my jugs at home.  I haven't scrubbed the filter surfaces for over a year so it takes a bit longer to do a gallon.  I always have a few gallons on hand.  The filters are rated for 10 scrubbings, as I recall for about 3000 gallons total, but I'm getting way more than scheduled.  Claims 99.999% filtration on most contaminants.  I like it, no lugging jugs to stores and cost is fixed, except for replacement filters in a few years.  It's already paid for itself.  It claims to be better than reverse osmosis or distilled water which could be too pure.  We don't use it for hand washing, but we could.

I won't name it here but it starts with Ber... .I've seen a lookalike marketed in the past year named Ale... .  If the kid is sensitive to chemicals added to the municipal water then you could try water with less irritants.

[david]

I read a study on Olympic swimmers. A large percentage of them use inhalers because they have asthma like symptoms. When they stop swimming so much they no longer need the inhalers. The study seemed to suggest that the chlorine in the water was irritating their lungs. Of course, this is  extreme exposure but I did find it interesting.

[fedup2017th]

Thank you everyone. There is some great advice that I desperately needed. Not only for my situation but for my son!

[soundofmusicgirl]

fedup another thing that I have learned in our support group is that BPDs react a lot stronger to illness and medication. eg... we might have a sore throat. But to them it will look like cancer. There have not been many studies done about it, but I have had this confirmed from a professor of psychology who specializes in BPD.

I have experienced it with my stepsons. Any tiny cough is made into "allergies" and any stomach bug into days long struggles to keep food down.

[ForeverDad]

My Ex too overreacted to illnesses.  Like most kids, he gets sore throats and colds occasionally.  Almost every time she demands he go to the pediatrician and get tested for strep throat, sometimes we go.  He had strep just once, many years ago.  Of course, she doesn't pay for those visits and tests.  But any oral problem and she immediately rushes to judgment.

In my case, one time she even claimed son had 103 or 105 degree temperature.  Twenty minutes later she arrived at urgent care and when they checked his temperature it was somewhere around 99 degrees.   This was not just what she told me on the phone, I got the medical records of the visit and it is in writing.

[livednlearned]

Hi 

I'm not a lawyer -- you may want to seek a consultation with an L in your area who knows how laws work where you live (Can cost a couple hundred dollars worth a whole lot of piece of mind!)

The way it works where I live is that a parent can relocate a child any time. It's when there is an active divorce/custody on file that things clamp down.

She probably feels that all her problems will resolve if she moves -- pwBPD tend to have a hard time tolerating distress and when emotionally aroused, don't have great problem-solving skills. She may also be impulsive, another trait that can go with BPD.

Do you notice any patterns related to the threats of divorce or leaving the state? Does she say this when she seems depressed? Or is it when she is angry? Or both?

LnL

[takingandsending]

Wow, lnl! So a person can legally take a child from their spouse as long as they are still married? Isn't that called kidnapping?

[david]

In New Jersey if you move without a court order it is considered kidnapping and is dealt with severely.
My ex is a nurse and always reacted strongly to illness. When we were together I could do nothing right in that area since she knew better than me.
I don't smoke and ex was extremely anti smoking. No one was allowed to smoke in or around our house. She made quite a few scenes about it. She would not go to someones house if they smoked there. Today she smokes about a pack every two days according to our boys.

[ForeverDad]

In Ohio I was told that both parents had equal but unspecified parenting rights.  What that meant was that if one parent contested the other parent's actions regarding anything with parenting then the police were basically hands off  if there was no written court order.  Their primary goal was to disarm the conflict or incident and perhaps write up a report.  My lawyer said the standard policy for resolution was to remove one of the spouses in a domestic dispute call.  You guessed it, usually the man.  He was surprised I wasn't carted away the time I called 911.  I told him that my preschooler 'saved' me.  He was in my arms when the officer asked me to hand him over to his mother and 'step away'.  He had been quietly sobbing and hugging me since before they arrived but when I tried to pull him off me she shrieked and clung tighter.  Yes, what child is terrified to go to his mother?  Faced with a dilemma, the officer pondered for a moment, said "work it out" and they left.  Other fathers were weren't so fortunate.

I recalled a few times when exchanges didn't happen and the police were called.  One time was when we were separated but there were no orders.  The police refused to accompany me to see my preschooler, they said (1) ask again when I had a court order in hand and (2) if I did go to see him on my own and his mother called police then they would come rushing.  I decided not to risk arrest for trying to see my child, so it took 3 months to get a court order.

Another time was when we did have an order but she didn't show up for the exchange, so I took him home.  Naturally she came an hour later with police.  The officer asked us to exchange anyway (but did not require it) "to resolve the immediate incident at hand" and then take it to court later for the court to handle the issue.  The officers here evidently don't enforce exchanges, they merely request and then write a report that either parent can use later in court.

[livednlearned]

Wow, lnl! So a person can legally take a child from their spouse as long as they are still married? Isn't that called kidnapping?

Where I live, kidnapping is a very specific legal act. Same with child abduction.

Neither terms are used before divorce and/or a custody order have been filed with the courts.

For example, while married, I could take S15 to see my family and that is not kidnapping. It is not child abduction. It is me traveling with S15.

If my spouse traveled with S15 with the intent to move, then my L would advise me to file for divorce to establish S15's residence in my hometown family law court.

The purpose is to make sure the other spouse does not establish residency and file for divorce in the new state. In some states, it is six months to establish residency. In other states, it is much less than that.

Once there is a custody order, then things change. You can specify what you will and will not allow. In my court order, for example, I could travel across state lines during my custodial time. My court order also said that I needed ex's permission to travel to see my family in Canada, which is standard but we put that in there to allay his fears I might abduct S15.

The main thing is to talk to an attorney -- you can get a consultation for an hour and ask lots of questions without having to retain the L -- and make sure you understand what safeguards you have and what steps to take if she makes a unilateral decision to move away.

[takingandsending]

I think it is the intent to move and establish residency elsewhere that is the concerning factor. Definitely best to consult a lawyer from your state, fedup.

How are you faring? Has there been any further activity?

[ForeverDad]

The purpose is to make sure the other spouse does not establish residency and file for divorce in the new state. In some states, it is six months to establish residency. In other states, it is much less than that.

Establishing residence is different from one state to another.  But I believe establishing residence for the purpose of custody is standardized at six months.  But we're just peer support, build your case on the foundations of legal advice.

For example, if the other spouse moves to another state then you have up to six months to contest.  But of course don't wait to the last months to take proactive actions.  What you don't want to do is think you have lots more time but then discover your spouse started establishing residency earlier than you thought.  Another factor is whether the new state's laws are better for you, closer to a site where you can work, closer to your relatives and supporters, etc.