Seeking support on my journey of no contact and healing Day 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Day one
We dated for five months and were officially “together” for just over three. I say "together" loosely because she broke up with me almost weekly.

The usual signs of untreated BPD were there—intense love bombing, wild mood swings, and the unnerving feeling that I was suddenly talking to a completely different person. She refused to get help, even though both I and others gently urged her to seek support.

Over the past month, she began breaking up with me like clockwork the day before she had any free time. Yesterday, I finally called her out on it—and she dropped a major truth bomb: she had been, at a minimum, emotionally cheating on me throughout our entire relationship. The person? Someone she had phone sex with shortly before we got together, and someone she had told me she was no longer in contact with.

 
That was the last straw.

I ended things for good. Today, I went to say goodbye and return some things she’d given me, and to collect a few belongings I’d left at her place. I let her know I was on my way. She responded by saying she was “scared” and sent her ex-husband to meet me instead.

Looking back now, I realize her fear wasn’t about me—it was about facing the consequences of her actions.



Day 2 – Feeling Overwhelmed and Struggling to Detach

I'm on day 2 of no contact, and today has hit me like a truck. Yesterday I felt numb, but today the emotions have come flooding in. I can't stop thinking about her.

What’s really messing with my head is how I’ve started blaming the third party involved, convincing myself they took advantage of her during a moment of weakness. Deep down, I know that’s probably irrational and not helpful thinking, but it’s hard to control where my mind goes right now.

I even woke up at 7:30 this morning without an alarm—it's the time I used to hear from her as she got up to get her kids ready for school. My body still expects that routine.

This is really hard, and I’m reaching out for any advice or encouragement on how to start the healing process. How do you all manage these early days when your mind won’t let go?

[Makmi]

Day one
We dated for five months and were officially “together” for just over three. I say "together" loosely because she broke up with me almost weekly.

The usual signs of untreated BPD were there—intense love bombing, wild mood swings, and the unnerving feeling that I was suddenly talking to a completely different person. She refused to get help, even though both I and others gently urged her to seek support.

Over the past month, she began breaking up with me like clockwork the day before she had any free time. Yesterday, I finally called her out on it—and she dropped a major truth bomb: she had been, at a minimum, emotionally cheating on me throughout our entire relationship. The person? Someone she had phone sex with shortly before we got together, and someone she had told me she was no longer in contact with.

 
That was the last straw.

I ended things for good. Today, I went to say goodbye and return some things she’d given me, and to collect a few belongings I’d left at her place. I let her know I was on my way. She responded by saying she was “scared” and sent her ex-husband to meet me instead.

Looking back now, I realize her fear wasn’t about me—it was about facing the consequences of her actions.



Day 2 – Feeling Overwhelmed and Struggling to Detach

I'm on day 2 of no contact, and today has hit me like a truck. Yesterday I felt numb, but today the emotions have come flooding in. I can't stop thinking about her.

What’s really messing with my head is how I’ve started blaming the third party involved, convincing myself they took advantage of her during a moment of weakness. Deep down, I know that’s probably irrational and not helpful thinking, but it’s hard to control where my mind goes right now.

I even woke up at 7:30 this morning without an alarm—it's the time I used to hear from her as she got up to get her kids ready for school. My body still expects that routine.

This is really hard, and I’m reaching out for any advice or encouragement on how to start the healing process. How do you all manage these early days when your mind won’t let go?

[Me88]

She was scared...sure. From what I've experienced they're always scared when there are consequences which they caused. They seem to be unable to look inward and accept any blame so they just go on the attack or are 'scared'. My ex was always somehow scared. I wasn't threatening, not one bit. Sent her ex, yay, more triangulation. And awkward. Why is he so readily available? Probably kept venting to him, making you the bad dangerous guy.

And I don't think there is a fix. I felt dead for months. Couldn't sleep. High heartrate. Anxious. Crying. It's a drug, you're going through legitimate withdrawal symptoms. You just have to exist in this space. You can't blame the 3rd party, they only exist because she invited them into your relationship, triangulation is so common with them. They need a team of support to verify their false or manipulated claims. Always the victim. Who knows what they were told. I'm sure it's awful. I lived with mine for years. Her cats lived with us. My/our dogs. It's hard to cold turkey quit something that was so deeply part of your life and routine. It takes time, a lot of it.

Share a lot here. Vent to close friends who can listen, although they won't be able to understand. Get a therapist. It's okay to relax in this horrible spot right now. We all heal at different times. Everyday might suck for quite some time. Just hope she doesn't charm you. You will ruminate, remember the good amazing times. But you have to keep reminding yourself of how bad things were. If they weren't you wouldn't have left.

[stevemcduck]

hey buddy. I know exactly what you are going through. ive had a very rough ride the last 2 moths and today it's officially over. I feel so much relief but very sad. remember these things

the person you fell in love with didn't exist, it was a mask, I know its hard to comprehend but the awful person at the end is who they really are.

none of this is your fault, even if you were mr perfect, billionaire, celebrity superstar, it would have still happened, no one is good enough to fight the disorder.

you are lucky, I know it doesn't feel that way but some people get in this for decades and have kids and marriage.

I know its not what you want to hear but you really really have dodged a bullet.

mine showed me her undeniable true colours today and the penny has finally dropped that I want nothing to do with her toxic ways. I pity her, I adored her and she was amazing when times were good and so gorgeous, but that was all a mask. and im worth more than that, and so are you.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome.  You're not alone here, every one of us has been through this and it's never easy, whether you were with someone for a short time or many years.

The first thing to know is that none of this is your fault and did not happen because you did / failed to do something. BPD is an illness that defies logic and the sufferer runs purely on their emotions at the time, which can change in an instant from wanting you to despising you. There is no middle ground and you simply cannot reason with them as you could with a normal, logical partner.

I remember I had my ex waving her hand in my face yelling 'You never buy me anything!'. On her hand and wrist were gold bracelets and diamond and sapphire rings I'd bought her. How on earth do you deal with someone who is so far removed from reality as that?

Without them first accepting they have a problem then engaging in serious professional help, things will not change and it will be a cycle of 'on and off' which we;ve all found to be soul-destroying.

What you see at the start of the relationship will invariably be what always happens - and I wish I'd known this instead of sticking with it for 4 years. Her first episode came after a couple of months and looking back, I wish I'd just let it end there instead of chasing after her for more punishment. Then I would have just had a short memory of 'that moody girl I briefly dated' rather than 4 years of upset and abuse.

You could look upon this as having dodged a bullet and put it down to experience though we all know how hard it is to forget a partner who seemed so perfect for us at the start. But this was just illusion; they mirrored themselves to reflect us and what we were looking for. Once we realise that it makes things easier but is still takes a lot of getting over.

Concentrate on yourself and your own mental well-being and health. You had a life before your BPD partner and you'll have one again, only this time you'll hopefully recognise the red flags and stop it happening again. Take consolation that everyone else she meets in future will be treated in exactly the same way as her illness won't let her do anything else.

Best wishes

[Ash86]

Hi friend - I am on day 20 of no contact after a 15 year relationship (13 married) and literally feel like I'm dying.

He strangled me and told me he'd come back in the middle of the night and kill me with his gun the last time I saw him (resulting in me finally going to the police and working on an official divorce), and yet, I miss him so much it feels impossible to see anything beyond this pain right now. Which is beyond bonkers - but that's the intensity these relationships bring to the table - and I honestly don't know any partner who hasn't been decimated by their pwBPD.

Everyone in this situation has been through hell and back. But I will say, even though I have cried today, by day 20 even it is not as painful as day 2. Every single day I feel a little less unhinged from the pain of missing him, and I know you will too. The puzzle pieces start fitting together a bit more every day. Your head and heart will start to clear just ever so slightly day by day.

I have no idea how this detaching works. It's a truly unique kind of hook they seem to have. But hang in there. Trauma bonding is real and requires specific work to disentangle from.

[try2heal]

Just another voice in the choir to tell you you're not alone, you will be better off without them, and it hurts for now.
3 years for me, now out of it for 10 months. I don't understand how I kept letting him draw me back in, but I definitely know he cannot and will not change. It's like pwBPD are magical, but they are truly illusions.

[Goodpal]

Just think about the emotional cheating and ask yourself if you would really like someone who has no problem doing this to their SO. If it happened once it would be something you'd have to deal w/ for the rest of your relationship. Like someone else said, you really dodged a bullet here.