Struggling with learning my new partner also has BPD

[Warriorprincess]

Hi everyone  ,
It’s been another couple of years since I’ve posted on here, and I’m struggling again. First issue - I found out 9 months ago from my therapist that my new partner of 2.5 years has BPD. My therapist suspected this for a while and then decided to tell me his suspicions. He asked me, “Aren’t you tired of being the villain?” I was devastated that I ended up in another relationship with someone with uBPD, although this one is a bit different than my exW.

New partner doesn’t rage at me or call me names. What I hear most is, “Why are you talking to me like that?” (When I didn’t raise my voice AT ALL; he detects the slightest change in tone and takes it as criticism) and “Can we talk?” which leaves me with a pit in my stomach because it’s always about something I did wrong. He’s also a perpetual victim and needs endless emotional validation (which ironically reminds me a lot of how I used to be). I won’t go into many details because for various reasons, I broke up with him on January 1 and told him I don’t want to have a relationship with anyone for at least 4 years. I felt I had to say that because he is vacillating between telling me how devastated he is at our breakup and trying to get me back. I’m attempting the friendship thing because he doesn’t have many friends and is in a dark place right now with a lot of physical and psychological challenges. I absolutely have the BPD FOG, and [DBT] I’m trying hard to start speaking my truth more. I completed months of trauma treatment and have grown a lot since I was with my exWwBPD. And I still have lots of healing to do. The good news is I referred SOwBPD to the same trauma program and he’s learning a lot!

Second issue - my SS22 who is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and schizophrenia spectrum (and with whom I haven’t had much contact since my divorce from his mom) called me from the hospital needing help. He blew up his life by going off his meds after moving downstate with his (now ex) fiancé and won’t have anywhere to go when he’s discharged. He hasn’t had a job in months and has been smoking weed heavily everyday. He’s called me 10 times in 3 days asking if I’ll pick him up if he has nowhere to go. His fiancé doesn’t want him back (and it’s her apartment since she’s the one working) and neither his parents nor his grandparents will take him in.

I want to help him but I also know he can’t live with me for long. I have a tiny apartment and too much on my plate already. I asked the hospital social worker what the long-term housing options are for him, and she said mental health nursing homes. He doesn’t have Medicaid but he should be able to get it since he has no income. How much should I help him? I’ll also post this on the parenting board to see if they have ideas for me.
Thank you,
Warriorprincess

[PeteWitsend]

Hi everyone  ,
It’s been another couple of years since I’ve posted on here, and I’m struggling again. First issue - I found out 9 months ago from my therapist that my new partner of 2.5 years has BPD. My therapist suspected this for a while and then decided to tell me his suspicions. He asked me, “Aren’t you tired of being the villain?” I was devastated that I ended up in another relationship with someone with uBPD, although this one is a bit different than my exW.

You know what?  It happens.  There are millions of people out there with personality disorders, and as we get older I assume the available dating pool has an even higher percentage of them, as people who are not disordered most likely stay married or otherwise coupled in happy relationships. 

I also found myself in another bad relationship after I divorced, and while I have no idea if she was BPD or something else, she fits several of the BPD characteristics. Bottom line is, I got in deeper than I should have.  I think I had learned some things after my earlier divorce, but not quite as much as I needed.  I didn't listen to my gut when I KNEW that regardless of who said or did what, we were not a match and I could not trust her to communicate openly and fairly with me.  I didn't get off the hamster wheel when I first suspected I was on one.

I've been in this similar discussion topic here before, generally speaking "Why do I keep attracting people like this?" and personally, I think attraction is such a complicated thing that it's hard to say, and shouldn't be the focus here.  And also, what can you do about it?  Change your behavior?  Maybe.  Change who you are?  How you dress?  There might be something obvious about how you meet people that is an issue.  But maybe not... maybe it's just a matter of there are disordered people out there, and you just have bad luck dating.  And like you said, they're often different enough that you don't always see the same .

I think the better thing to focus on is: why do I allow relationships with pwBPD (or any other personality disorder for that matter) to develop and continue as long as they do?  This is something you can control.  Are you continuously ignoring slights and abusive conduct because you're afraid if you stand up for yourself they'll just leave?  Afraid of the consequences of what they might do? 

These are things you need to work on.  I think you need to get to a point where you can tell the person: "Hey, I just don't like how you're behaving.  Stop" and if they don't stop, you end it and walk away, and don't second guess yourself or listen to their excuses.  Any adult who can't understand and follow a straightforward request from their partner probably should not be in a relationship, and it's not your problem, it's their problem.

... I broke up with him on January 1 and told him I don’t want to have a relationship with anyone for at least 4 years. I felt I had to say that because he is vacillating between telling me how devastated he is at our breakup and trying to get me back.

This is kinda what I am talking about: you felt you needed to "soften the blow" and have some other excuse for separating because you don't like how he's treated you.  And is it even true?  If you met a great guy 3 years from now, would you avoid dating him because you told your ex you didn't want a relationship with anyone for 4 years?  If not, why say it?  this may not seem like a big deal, but you can see how this sort of dishonest behavior from a BPD influences our own, and it's something to work on.

I’m attempting the friendship thing because he doesn’t have many friends and is in a dark place right now with a lot of physical and psychological challenges. ...

Maybe you have some co-dependent tendencies here?  It's good to care about people, but also, some people don't ever bear the consequences of their own actions and behavior, and that's why they don't have many friends.  Why are you making it your obligation to try to help him with this?  Do you think you're going to help him get over this period in his life and he's going to show improvement?  What if he doesn't you find yourself just going through the same cycle over and over again?  How long are you prepared to run on this hamster wheel before you give up again? 

Second issue - my SS22 who is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and schizophrenia spectrum (and with whom I haven’t had much contact since my divorce from his mom) called me from the hospital needing help. He blew up his life by going off his meds after moving downstate with his (now ex) fiancé and won’t have anywhere to go when he’s discharged. He hasn’t had a job in months and has been smoking weed heavily everyday. He’s called me 10 times in 3 days asking if I’ll pick him up if he has nowhere to go. His fiancé doesn’t want him back (and it’s her apartment since she’s the one working) and neither his parents nor his grandparents will take him in.

I want to help him but I also know he can’t live with me for long. I have a tiny apartment and too much on my plate already. I asked the hospital social worker what the long-term housing options are for him, and she said mental health nursing homes. He doesn’t have Medicaid but he should be able to get it since he has no income. How much should I help him? I’ll also post this on the parenting board to see if they have ideas for me.
Thank you,
Warriorprincess

I would be concerned that once he's in your apartment, he's not going leave voluntarily, and you've now got this volatile person physically in your life and in situations where you're vulnerable (i.e. asleep). 

Personally, I think you could best help him do what the nurse mentioned above, and get him into a mental health nursing home and try to find treatment options for him.  Maybe offer moral support over the phone, but do not allow him into your actual life beyond that. 

If you do decide to allow him to stay with you, I'd have the same questions as in regard to how long you plan to caretake your BPDxBF: how long would you allow SS22 to stay?  What if every month he just needs another month because - predictably - he won't take his meds and won't get help, as is his established behavior pattern up to this point?  When will you draw the line? 

What if he becomes violent or refuses to leave? 
Do you call the police, knowing that could have a bad outcome? 
What options would you have in that situation?

[Warriorprincess]

Hi PeteWitsend,
Thank you for your detailed reply. I looked up the other thread you referenced and read that as well. So much great information and counsel on this Board. To be honest, it’s a gut punch knowing even after all the experiences I’ve been through (romantic relationships with 3 pwBPD, the first of whom actually committed suicide) all the help I’ve received, all the therapy, codependents anonymous meetings for 12 years, and getting my own tiny 650-sqfeet condo so no one could move in with me, I still moved out to live with my xwBPD an hour away from everything that is important to me because he was so good to me, loved me better than anyone has, mirrored my positive traits to me, seemed like he would never leave me no matter what, and I thought the problems we had were my fault and my exWwBPD was right about me! I grabbed on to a quote from Pook075 which made me cry:

“Understand that loving someone with mental illness is not a weakness...it's a gift.  It means you're loving and compassionate.  It means you easily forgive and show empathy, even when you're not being treated fairly.  In my book, it means that you're probably a pretty good person and we might be great friends if we met in real life. In my opinion, you need to stop searching for "what's wrong with me?"  There's nothing wrong with being loving and compassionate towards complicated people.  If we're honest, we are just as complicated since we make mistakes as well.  Showing grace is never a mistake though, it's a blessing to give freely to others.” (Thanks, Pook075!)

I know it’s both/and…I want to be giving and caring, and I want to stop being a doormat and thinking I can fix people. I’m proud of myself for moving back to my condo after 14 months instead of giving in to the constant pressure to get married. I’m perhaps half as jaded as you, but still not jaded enough to not want to help my SS. Maybe helping him now would make me feel better for leaving his mom and would give me a way back into the boys’ lives. I can see my patterns, and I still have a very hard time stopping the freight train of destruction I cause for myself. Your reply has helped me face some of this again. I hope I can find a way to let xbfwBPD go before I bankrupt myself again financially (will be the 3rd time I’ve taken on someone else’s financial obligations and ruined my credit). Hmm, do I feel like a selfless hero when I do this? Actually, by the time it gets to that point, I just feel played and disgusted with myself. And yet, I keep doing it.

Again, I appreciate the support I find here. I know you all understand and are trying to help me. I wish I wasn’t the biggest boulder in my way. I’m going to spend the weekend camping with friends who make me feel good for being independent and single; I feel like that’s the safest way for me to live right now.
Wp

[Notwendy]

It's understandable to want to help your SS now, but to do so in hopes of feeling redemption for leaving the relationship- that to me is a part of your stumbling block. Also, I don't know if you have had experience with a person who has a severe mental illness like schitzophrenia in your home alone with you. He's not a bad person. It is not his fault. But he's not the little boy you knew years ago. He is a full grown adult man.

The most common time for a young man to develop schitzophrenia is in late adolescence, early 20's. When you knew him, there may have been few to no signs of it. I didn't happen because you left and has nothing to do with anything you did. The friend I have whose son developed this in college is has probably the most normal family life possible and also other children who didn't have these issues. Her son was a normal high school kid, athlete, and went off to college like every other kid his age. Sadly, he's very challenged and challening now. However, this friend of mine has a lot of family support, medical support, and is financially able to cover the help he needs. She is not doing this alone.

It's not being jaded to know something is beyond your capacity. At the very least, be more informed about this decision if you just can't think of not doing it. This is a situation that is going to require your constant attention at least. If he is getting the medical supervision he needs in a facility you can visit, ask for information, and provide other forms of support as there's often a need for clothing, snacks, toileteries and other items.

[PeteWitsend]

...
I know it’s both/and…I want to be giving and caring, and I want to stop being a doormat and thinking I can fix people. I’m proud of myself for moving back to my condo after 14 months instead of giving in to the constant pressure to get married. I’m perhaps half as jaded as you, but still not jaded enough to not want to help my SS. Maybe helping him now would make me feel better for leaving his mom and would give me a way back into the boys’ lives. I can see my patterns, and I still have a very hard time stopping the freight train of destruction I cause for myself. Your reply has helped me face some of this again. I hope I can find a way to let xbfwBPD go before I bankrupt myself again financially (will be the 3rd time I’ve taken on someone else’s financial obligations and ruined my credit). Hmm, do I feel like a selfless hero when I do this? Actually, by the time it gets to that point, I just feel played and disgusted with myself. And yet, I keep doing it.

...

I think you would benefit from going to counseling and exploring this further with a counselor.

It's hard to tell someone not to want to help other people, because compassion and kindness are positive human traits, and part of the glue that holds us all together, but I think you need to recognize the difference between helping someone and enabling someone. 

Helping someone - as I see it - is like a one time hand up, to someone who is a victim of their circumstances, and who is in a hole through no fault of their own.  Like giving someone rent money after they lost their job, but before their next one started.  Or helping them get medical help for a debilitating condition that's keeping them from thriving. 

On the other hand, a pwBPD is a taker: emotionally, materially, physically, mentally, etc. They take more from you than they give, and they use you to fulfill their own needs without regard to yours.  When you caretake them, you're simply enabling them to continue their behavior, rather than suffering the consequences of their own actions.  Regardless of whether they will get help for their own emotional issues or not, you make it impossible for them to do so when you enable them.

I think similarly with your schizophrenic former SS; schizophrenia is dangerous... people suffering from it go completely psychotic and make irrational decisions that can result in self-harm or harm to others.  It truly is insanity, and maybe the most extreme form of mental illness.  It's not something that goes away on its own, or you can just persevere through, and it often develops later in life, catching people off-guard.  Your SS needs to get treatment for this, which he's been avoiding.  By giving him a place to stay, you're simply enabling that avoidance to continue, and putting others including you and him - at risk.

To me, framing it as a difference between help and enabling is key, but if you struggle to recognize the difference on your own, and continue to find yourself getting used by people, that's where I think counseling can help.   

[PeteWitsend]

Note that people often do not actually want help, they want you to enable their bad habits, but they will frame your response in a very self-serving way. 

I have a former classmate from grad school who developed schizophrenia later in life (like in his late 30's).  I only discovered it when I saw he had gotten sanctioned by a licensing board, and looked him up online.  It was really troubling what I found: a long list of arrests for stalking exes, violating protective orders, and trespassing, as well as an apparent twitter account he created while institutionalized, with all sorts of rants about how much he disliked the hospital he was in, and perceived things he claimed they were doing to him.

I think it would've been clear to just about everyone who knew him that he needed to be hospitalized for his own safety and the safety of whoever he might cross paths with, but he certainly didn't see it that way. 

he might want to be out on his own, and might even beg for someone to take him in, but that wasn't in his interest or anyone else's.  You can see that it's not a matter of "tough love"... people with mental disorders simply cannot think clearly, and have skewed perceptions of what they want and need.