My husband has BPD... Where to start

[Depression = 72% of members]

  I feel overwhelmed just trying to write out something that isn't just a 1000 pages of rambling. Going to fact dump and see where that gets me

I've known my husband for 20 years, together and living together for over 10 years and married for over a year.

When we started a romantic relationship ten years ago he helped me out of the most difficult time of my life. Without focusing so much on myself but my mental hardships play into our relationship.

I cannot properly convey the level of mental brokenness that he had found me in, only that he is the reason I improved. He showed unending patience and gave me what my mind needed to heal, to simply be heard for the insane amount of time it took.

My diagnosis's are ASD, ADHD, PTSD/c-PTSD, DID and agoraphobia. It's a list and I have been in extensive and very active therapies to improve. It will be lifelong work as everyone here probably knows.

My husband got diagnosed with BPD about a month+ ago but I had been trying to figure out "what was wrong" for years.  My improvement has only put a spotlight on the near constant behaviors of unacceptable levels from him

He has accepted the diagnosis, talked to some of his family about it and is going to therapy. His therapist is still in training under my therapist. My therapist is highly skilled and specialized in personality disorders and we've spent over three years building a trust with her as he was very active in my therapies. His therapist started him on the STEPPS program two sessions ago but this last one he is already saying that they were not currently working on the program, she's just happy he started journaling, she didn't assign any work during the week... I just accept the information and move on

His episodes have increased in frequency over time to almost near constant for six months to a year. And yes a lot of that timing lines up to our marriage but also his dad dying. There's a lot of complex emotions over those things understandably for both of us

He pushes back and splits over everything. That is not an exaggerating remark I think but the very bad situation we have been in for a very, very long time

I do see progress in his ability to even entertain reframing situations. I see progress, I do. My life has been living on the knife's edge of trying to maintain this relationship and get him help that even though he just started therapy I need... I HAVE NEEDS!!

I need him to not kneecap us at every turn. Current example: He will probably lose his insurance in a couple of months. I can get him fully covered under mine (no cost) but it requires his cooperation and I have not successfully gotten that for a single tangible action, just words of agreement then an episode when trying to implement the plan we agreed on.

He told me tonight (paraphrased) that if I didn't let him do treatment his way at his pace then I am the problem. He confirmed that if left on his own he won't go to therapy at all and he just says "exactly"

Maybe a lot of us are presented with always "damned if I do and damned if I don't" choices which is not a choice.

Please, give me any and all advice, books, videos, life lessons or voodoo spells that I can do, that I can work on. It's impossible to force change upon him but I literally do not have a single relationship need met by him and he acknowledges this about half the time I'd say. I'll answer any questions if it can help

 

[ChaosAndCalamity]

  I feel overwhelmed just trying to write out something that isn't just a 1000 pages of rambling. Going to fact dump and see where that gets me

I've known my husband for 20 years, together and living together for over 10 years and married for over a year.

When we started a romantic relationship ten years ago he helped me out of the most difficult time of my life. Without focusing so much on myself but my mental hardships play into our relationship.

I cannot properly convey the level of mental brokenness that he had found me in, only that he is the reason I improved. He showed unending patience and gave me what my mind needed to heal, to simply be heard for the insane amount of time it took.

My diagnosis's are ASD, ADHD, PTSD/c-PTSD, DID and agoraphobia. It's a list and I have been in extensive and very active therapies to improve. It will be lifelong work as everyone here probably knows.

My husband got diagnosed with BPD about a month+ ago but I had been trying to figure out "what was wrong" for years.  My improvement has only put a spotlight on the near constant behaviors of unacceptable levels from him

He has accepted the diagnosis, talked to some of his family about it and is going to therapy. His therapist is still in training under my therapist. My therapist is highly skilled and specialized in personality disorders and we've spent over three years building a trust with her as he was very active in my therapies. His therapist started him on the STEPPS program two sessions ago but this last one he is already saying that they were not currently working on the program, she's just happy he started journaling, she didn't assign any work during the week... I just accept the information and move on

His episodes have increased in frequency over time to almost near constant for six months to a year. And yes a lot of that timing lines up to our marriage but also his dad dying. There's a lot of complex emotions over those things understandably for both of us

He pushes back and splits over everything. That is not an exaggerating remark I think but the very bad situation we have been in for a very, very long time

I do see progress in his ability to even entertain reframing situations. I see progress, I do. My life has been living on the knife's edge of trying to maintain this relationship and get him help that even though he just started therapy I need... I HAVE NEEDS!!

I need him to not kneecap us at every turn. Current example: He will probably lose his insurance in a couple of months. I can get him fully covered under mine (no cost) but it requires his cooperation and I have not successfully gotten that for a single tangible action, just words of agreement then an episode when trying to implement the plan we agreed on.

He told me tonight (paraphrased) that if I didn't let him do treatment his way at his pace then I am the problem. He confirmed that if left on his own he won't go to therapy at all and he just says "exactly"

Maybe a lot of us are presented with always "damned if I do and damned if I don't" choices which is not a choice.

Please, give me any and all advice, books, videos, life lessons or voodoo spells that I can do, that I can work on. It's impossible to force change upon him but I literally do not have a single relationship need met by him and he acknowledges this about half the time I'd say. I'll answer any questions if it can help

 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.