How to move forward following a 4 year relationship with BPD girlfriend

[Tightlines2025]

I am new to this group board/website, but needed to express my challenges moving forward follwoing a 4 year live-in relationship with a recently revieled BPD girfriend and her 13 year old daughter. 

The pain and sorrow I feel is deep. The anxiety, panic, and lack of understanding it all is all that much deeper.

My mind is playing tricks on me, beleving that one day we can correct all of the wrongs that in our relationship.  Beleving that the good outweighed the bad.  I know I am wrong about that but cannot move my mind forward.

The reasons for me removing her from my home would not be tolerated by any rational human being.

I feel trapped in a  deep emotional state and cant seem to make progress.

[HoratioX]

Those feelings are normal. They come with any break up, but they're magnified by several orders when dealing with someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) With BPD, the person often molds themselves to our expectations, creating a persona that seems "a perfect match" or "the love of our lives."

The reality is that's pretty much a facade. it's a character they've created. Inside, they're often empty, including being devoid of their own intact personality or at least the sort of intact personality we expect from a mentally or emotionally healthy person.

So, in order to recovery, you have to remind yourself of this. The person you thought you knew and developed deep feelings with is not authentic, at least in the way someone healthy is authentic. They're broken. It's not their fault, and that should elicit some sympathy. But not too much.

I usually roll my eyes with how selfish people are, but when it comes to dealing with an ex with BPD, etc., you have to be at least a little selfish. That's because your natural instincts and emotional drive to be compassionate and forgiving will in many cases work against you. They will make you yearn for something that wasn't really there and they will gaslight  you into trying to repair something that ultimately is toxic to you.

That doesn't mean you can't be compassionate.  That doesn't mean you can't be forgiving. You should be a decent person. But the actions you may take can ultimately be self destructive because someone with BPD is profoundly ill, no matter how "normal" they may sometimes seem. They are also profoundly selfish in the sense that while they can be thoughtful and generous, all of that is nearly always tied to self interest. It's transactional. Even the relationship itself.

People in healthy relationships fall in love with someone and want the best for them. Yes, we all get something out of a relationship, but our focus in on the other person and making them happy. With someone with BPD, the focus is all or nearly all about what they get from the other person -- not the giving. The giving is a tool to keep the person they're with around them.

So, you're in the withdrawal stage. Something you thought was the most incredible thing in your life is no longer there, so, of course, you're grieving and wanting. But just like heroin will eventually destroy you, a relationship with someone is almost always toxic. BPD can't be cured. Some say it can be treated, but there's not a lot of clear data (that I can find) that says what the success rates truly are. So your best course of action for self preservation is to stay away from that person and move on.

That's not easy. If you have  a particularly strong will and sense of self, you might be able to do it on your own, but most people find friends and professionals, like a therapist, to be helpful, especially with intrusive thoughts and memories that may be clouding your judgment. Good luck, and stay the course -- you can recover from a relationship like this one.

[Tightlines2025]

Thank you for your reply.
 
I know that having her leave my home was the right things to do....

I really need all the help I can get right now.  The emotions I am feeling, leave me bewildered as to what is happening to me.

I have blocked her in every communicationway possible....., but I need to block her from my mind/thoughts.

I am trying every method possible, therapy, exercise, staying overly busy......and meditation.

Nothing seems to hold my mind occupied, except perciferating on the past, both good and bad.

I resist the temptation to text/call as I know staying strong and moving forward with my life is the only way.

I am confused as to the path forward.

[Under The Bridge]

I resist the temptation to text/call as I know staying strong and moving forward with my life is the only way.

This is the only action to take, hard though it is. It will get easier, but it will take time and a strong resolve not to give it 'one more try'. It is very easy to get back on the toxic roller coaster even though we know the ending will always be the same.

My own BPD relationship was also 4 years and I chased her every time she broke up with me. It became a game in the end, as she knew I'd still chase her so really I was empowering her actions. Eventually I realised that nothing was going to change and that this would be the rest of my life if I allowed it to continue. The mental toll it take out of you, as I'm sure you already know, was massive.

What you see over the years is always what you will get; we can't change them. We can try and work with them and adapt our lives - at our cost - to them, always walking on eggshells and waiting for the next explosion to happen but who wants that?

As HoratioX said, the person we met was never a real person. It's not as though we met someone totally genuine and lost them through our own fault, we met a chamelon who will change to suit the next person they attach themselves to, with the same inevitable conflict.  We can get over this, put it down to experience, watch out for the signs in future partners and find someone more mentally healthy.  Sadly, they can't.

Stay strong, use family and friends for support and occupy your time as much as possible with hobbies, etc. No harm in still thinking of your ex - I still do - but know that it was never going to be a viable relationship.

Best wishes

[HoratioX]

Under the Bridge is completely right. You basically have to detoxify and recover from an addiction. That means being strong. That means focusing on yourself and making yourself better and not the past and your ex.

You don't have to do it alone. Friends and family can help, and so can a therapist.

Our memories tend to be selective. After a break up, we tend to focus only on the good things because that's what we miss. Somehow the bad things get screened out or downplayed.

If it helps, remember the bad things. Write a letter to yourself listing all the bad things the ex did. Put it in an envelope in a drawer. Take it out when you need to be reminded.

I know that when I break up with an ex, it's tough at first to go to the same places again. Even driving past them can be painful. But that's because I'm remembering the good times.

If you want to remember the bad times, go to the places where you felt betrayed, where they lied, where they stared an argument, where they embarrassed or humiliated you. A dose of that reality can have just as strong an effect, only instead of reminding you of what you think you're missing, they're reminding you of what you escaped.

Of course, discuss that with a professional first. Not everyone gets a positive experience out of reliving the bad memories. It works for me, but it may not work for others. I wouldn't advocate anything that worsens the situation.

Likewise, what I'm going to say next might not work for everyone, and it might even offend people because it may sound mercenary to them. I hope not, but it helped me. For me, recovery after a break up also involves getting back into going out or even dating after a reasonable period of reflection. There's no reason to wait, and being with someone else may remind you that there's always good in the world to know and experience. You can certainly just hang out with friends, but if there's someone you're interested in more, fine.

It might be tough. If you're with someone who doesn't measure up to the ex, being out might actually make you feel worse. But that's why you keep it casual. The goal is not to rush into another relationship nor to use someone else as an emotional crutch. The goal is to get out, enjoy someone's company, eat good food and, if it's your thing, good drink. Go out without expectations and without any plan except to have fun. That's it. And when you do feel all that again, you'll be surprised at how the ex's hold on you starts to fade.

The point is, don't make your life all about mourning something that was never really healthy or good for you in the first place. Live your life.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Question- what specifically are you struggling with?  I've been in your exact situation and after a few days/weeks out, my mind was bombarded with conflicting emotions.  So I understand what you're saying. 

But in order for us to help, can you share specifically where you're struggling the most?

Healing comes from moving on and forgiving yourself, which is so much easier said than done.  That's the path though and right now, your goal should be focusing on your own mental health by getting back to who you are as a person.  That means getting out in the world, pursuing old hobbies, hanging out with friends and family, and paying attention to your physical health as well. 

All of these things help while your mind is catching up to your body.

Also, put some serious thought into therapy- there's no shame in it and most of us here have attended at least a few sessions.  Being in a relationship with mental health challenges causes mental health problems for everyone involved; there's no avoiding it.  So consider seeing a therapist to help you work through some of this; it's a huge asset if you decide to go that route.

[Tightlines2025]

Thank you for the suport and feedback.

I am 2 months out of the ex bpd girlfriend experience and have worked with a therapist.

I feel like I take a step forward and somedays steps backwards.

The hardest challenge I face is continually recalling the great experiences in my mind, however forgetting the longer list of bad experiences with her.

My mind spends hours per day thinking of her and I would like to supress it all.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there and welcome to the boards.

The rumination that follows a relationship like this is so tough to handle, and I think everyone here will know exactly what you're talking about when you say it's a reallly hard thing to sit with.

There tends to be a lot of chaos and contradictory things that happen in a relationship with someone with BPD that just don't make sense, and the brain replays these things, trying to find some logical way to process it.

You mentioned that you keep re-living the good parts, and you're forgetting all of the more difficult parts. That could be for a few reasons - the rumination can help you to keep hold of the attachment, because it's too painful yet to consider letting go of it. It could also be because you're trying to make sense of any really difficult parts to the relationship, so you're replaying the good parts to reassure you that there was actually love and affection and you weren't just tricked or duped. Also, for many people, there is intermittent reinforcement, which causes a trauma bond, so the brain becomes chemically wired in a pattern of addiction to that person.

Part of healing is to integrate the good and the bad, to see the picture in its messy wholeness – with light and dark and all the things in between. All of it is real, all of it is valid, and somehow along the line of healing, you find that you're able to hold it all in the same hand. It's about find a peaceful place to land in your brain that takes everything into consideration and find acceptance in it. But that's a journey and a process that takes time, as cliche as that sounds.

With heavy rumination, it can be helpful to just acknowledge what you're thinking and give it some presence, recognise that you're just in a rumination loop and name it for what it is. No need to fight it, although it can help to use some distraction at times when it becomes overwhelming.

Please feel free to share anything else that might help as you move through the process. Plenty of people here who get it.