how do you not take things personally

[Notameandad]

My child says that I verbally and physically abused her. I never did, but in her head she really believes it. What can I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tanager]

It takes courage to bring up this issue.  It's so incredibly hurtful to hear the daughter you love accuse you of abuse.  Things go well with my daughter for
 periods of time. I  convince myself that she realizes her parents tried so hard to give her love and support and would never hurt her like that. But when things go badly for her and she becomes disregulated the accusations begin.  She accuses her dad of abusing her when she was in preschool and me, her mom, of enabling the abuse and choosing him over her. These accusations are crippling even though untrue. When my daughter is over her crisis she back to her previous state. She asks my husband's advice on various issues, she is friendly. She calls me daily talking about her job, her aspirations, her life. We keep supporting her and let it go.  I don't have any answers.  Just wanted you to know you aren't the only one.

[CC43]

Accusing parents of abuse seems to be a very typical BPD behavior.  My diagnosed BPD stepdaughter did the same thing.  In fact, she started out with credible tales, complaining about arguing and hostility in the household, and she had a valid point there.  However, as her BPD behaviors spiraled, her accusations became more extreme and pervasive, and her version of events became very distorted.  Basically, she accused everyone of abuse:  schoolmates, roommates, siblings, co-workers, parents and other relatives.  At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but over time, I felt that the fact patterns didn't line up very well.  She said she was bullied relentlessly, but she couldn't say exactly how she was bullied.  She'd say that she was raped, but she never reported it, and then she said she couldn't remember any details.  She said that her sibling tried to kill her, but she omitted her part in instigating a heated argument.  She said her parent assaulted her, when what really happened was that her parent called 911 when she became violent.  She tested out an accusation that her dad molested her when she was little, but when he challenged her on that twisted narrative, she backed off.

Over time, I came to realize that her claims of abuse ALWAYS coincided with some sort of unrelated disappointment or setback in her life.  Rather than handle whatever was going on in her life in a healthy or realistic way, her victim attitude would take over.  Basically, the disappointment or setback had to be someone else's fault.  Her brain would concoct a twisted narrative which placed the blame for everything wrong in her life onto someone else.  Failing out of school would be her roommate's fault, because the purported bullying made her unable to study.  Losing her job would be her sibling's fault, because memories of a toxic childhood would prevent her from sleeping at night.  Not winning an audition would be her aunt's fault, because the aunt was condescending when she offered some water before the audition.  Now, I'm not saying that my stepdaughter didn't FEEL aggrieved by her friends, coworkers and family.  Clearly she did feel aggrieved, very intensely so.  The issue is that the intensity and duration of her pain were extreme, the supposed causes of her pain were highly distorted, and the overall narrative became delusional.  I believe that her thinking was delusional because the purported incidents had no direct connection to the real problems she was experiencing in life.  Her brain was twisting narratives to place blame on others, because it was too painful to be responsible for her own life!

Having said all that, if you listen for the FEELINGS behind her grievances, I think you can get a glimpse of what is bugging your daughter.  Claims of abuse in childhood might really mean that she didn't feel safe, accepted or loved enough.  Claims that "You never listen" could mean that she feels misunderstood, that you don't understand the depths of her despair.  I'll add that my BPD stepdaughter felt very childlike, since she was delayed in hitting adult milestones.  Therefore she was "primed" to detect signs of condescension or "disrespect."  Does your daughter often claim, "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want!"  To me, that's a sure sign that she feels childish, inferior and not in control of her life.  You see, the trouble with a victim attitude is that she has no agency over her own life, and she is rendered powerless.  She thinks that everyone else is ruining her life.  That must feel terrible indeed.

What can you do?  Try to listen for the feelings, and validate the feelings.  You can say things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, it must feel terrible, but we never intended to hurt you."  Yet I'd caution, don't validate the invalid.  One example I gave above:  my stepdaughter tested out an accusation of molestation, which was untrue, when she was entering an increasingly delusional state.  Her dad said something like, "That's a lie and you know it."  Finally, if your daughter seems unhinged, for example if she sends cruel texts or is yelling at you, that's likely a sign that she's experiencing stress, difficulties or a setback in her life.  My guess is that she's taking her stress and disappointment out on you, while blaming you in the process.  With some patience, you might come to learn what's really going on.  At least that's my experience with my stepdaughter.  A lashing out will usually be a sign that she failed or quit something (a job, relationship, school, rooming situation, etc.).  In other words, it's not your fault; her anger is just a deflection or distraction from the real issue.  Once you understand this, it might be a little easier not to take your daughter's cruel words so personally.  But it's never easy to see her in such distress.