BPD Co-Parent Can’t Parent: Did Custody Match Reality for you?

[happypossible]

Write a title that reflects this and would get a lot of interest and engagement

I’ve been the primary parent to our 18mo since he was born, even while she was the “stay at home mom”. I work full-time from home and still ended up doing at least half the childcare, often more — while she would disappear for naps, leave him outside alone with the dogs or inside unsupervised while she smoked weed. Even a poopy diaper has triggered some of our worst events with her (throwing herself on the floor, hitting herself, chasing us into a room and repeatedly body slamming the door). She smokes weed from the moment she wakes up until bedtime. She was never physically abusive to him, but she disengaged a lot and would crumble if he was upset or needed more than she could handle. She gives zero effort to control her moods in front of him and often tells, cries, and hits herself.

Now that we’re separated and she’s been living with her parents, it’s more extreme. She constantly asks for help from her family. Collectively, they watch our son M-F 9-4ish. She voluntarily gave up all overnights with him because “she needs to sleep”. During her limited parenting time, she sometimes leaves the house or checks out again. Her parents tell me she is on her phone constantly and can’t even handle a diaper. She still posts him on social media a lot when she has him, but the reality is, she can’t handle him for more than a few hours. She still relies heavily on others — and makes no consistent effort to build parenting capacity on her own.

She gets her own apartment (her parents are paying for) next week and we agreed no overnights for our son there for a while, AND that she would watch him at her parents house during her time, and she’s not pushing to change that. She says she’s working on building her side businesses but hasn’t been serious about getting a stable job or financial independence.

I’m selling out house and My current plan once it sells is:
•   Daycare 2 days per week (can’t swing it financially until I get out of this house)
•   3 weekdays with her supervising him at her parents’ home
•   All overnights with me

Her parents and close cousin think that she will show up less and less now that she has her apartment and would need to make rfffort to see him. Her parents agreed to watch him those 3 days regardless of her.

I’m doing all pickups/drop-offs, doctor’s appointments, scheduling, etc. She’s not contributing financially and hasn’t shown initiative in parenting logistics.

My problem with all of this… is we have agreed on all of this as “a temporary solution” and the second that anyone criticizes her in any way whatsoever, she clings more to our son and says that she wants 50/50 etc. so I’m worried that even moving to make this legal will turn into a huge fight.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did the courts or mediator eventually reflect the parenting reality? Did things shift further over time? Did the other parent step up, or did it drift more into primary/sole custody for you?Would appreciate any insight or hindsight from those who’ve walked this road. I’m trying to do the right thing without letting things get “bad enough” to damage my son long term.

[happypossible]

I’ve been the primary parent to our 18mo since he was born, even while she was the “stay at home mom”. I work full-time from home and still ended up doing at least half the childcare, often more — while she would disappear for naps, leave him outside alone with the dogs or inside unsupervised while she smoked weed. Even a poopy diaper has triggered some of our worst events with her (throwing herself on the floor, hitting herself, chasing us into a room and repeatedly body slamming the door). She smokes weed from the moment she wakes up until bedtime. She was never physically abusive to him, but she disengaged a lot and would crumble if he was upset or needed more than she could handle. She gives zero effort to control her moods in front of him and often tells, cries, and hits herself.

Now that we’re separated and she’s been living with her parents, it’s more extreme. She constantly asks for help from her family. Collectively, they watch our son M-F 9-4ish. She voluntarily gave up all overnights with him because “she needs to sleep”. During her limited parenting time, she sometimes leaves the house or checks out again. Her parents tell me she is on her phone constantly and can’t even handle a diaper. She still posts him on social media a lot when she has him, but the reality is, she can’t handle him for more than a few hours. She still relies heavily on others — and makes no consistent effort to build parenting capacity on her own.

She gets her own apartment (her parents are paying for) next week and we agreed no overnights for our son there for a while, AND that she would watch him at her parents house during her time, and she’s not pushing to change that. She says she’s working on building her side businesses but hasn’t been serious about getting a stable job or financial independence.

I’m selling out house and My current plan once it sells is:
•   Daycare 2 days per week (can’t swing it financially until I get out of this house)
•   3 weekdays with her supervising him at her parents’ home
•   All overnights with me

Her parents and close cousin think that she will show up less and less now that she has her apartment and would need to make rfffort to see him. Her parents agreed to watch him those 3 days regardless of her.

I’m doing all pickups/drop-offs, doctor’s appointments, scheduling, etc. She’s not contributing financially and hasn’t shown initiative in parenting logistics.

My problem with all of this… is we have agreed on all of this as “a temporary solution” and the second that anyone criticizes her in any way whatsoever, she clings more to our son and says that she wants 50/50 etc. so I’m worried that even moving to make this legal will turn into a huge fight.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did the courts or mediator eventually reflect the parenting reality? Did things shift further over time? Did the other parent step up, or did it drift more into primary/sole custody for you?Would appreciate any insight or hindsight from those who’ve walked this road. I’m trying to do the right thing without letting things get “bad enough” to damage my son long term.
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[Notwendy]

I don't have custody experience but I may be able to add some perspective from having a BPD mother who did not have the capacity to handle parenting and would get emotionally disregulated like your ex.  My parents did not divorce, but I think the situation would have been somewhat similar.

My father also took on most of the parenting but he also had to work, as he was the only wage earner. Other people helped raise us. (baby sitters, other family members). While as a child, I didn't understand this and even resented it- wishing my mother was like other mothers, I now am grateful that someone competent did care for us and think this contributed to our resilience.

But for my BPD mother, who, like many people with BPD who have an unstable self image, anything critical about her would cause her shame and emotional pain. It was important to her to be seen as a good mother and anything that challenged that would have been a difficult situation.  So, I understand your situation.

One idea is to look at this from the longer term. Your child won't be a toddler forever. Once he's in school, child care will be a different situation. One big consideration then would be for him to stay in one school district. It's possible that your ex may meet someone else and move away by that point. It's also possible as her family suggests- she may lose interest in parenting. Or she may be more or less capable later.

You have some main roles with the child in addition to being his father emotionally. One is to protect him and keep him safe and the other is to provide for him. Realistically, you will need some sort of child care to be able to go to work. It looks to me like your ex's family is realistic about her ability and are able to help with child care. If they are reliable- then maybe it's better to not rock the boat at this point. It appears that all visits are supervised when he's not with you, and that is a good thing. Overnights with you are a good plan.

I can understand your feeling it's unfair to your situation. It's as if you are a single parent. But this is the reality of the situation for your child. He only has one reliable parent. The arrangement is for him, not your ex. In the long run, I was more emotionally attached to my father, as he was the hands on parent. I could see this situation with my own children. My BPD mother could only handle short supervised visits with my children when they were little. I didn't leave them alone with her. She would not have physically abused them but I could see that she just couldn't handle it emotionally.

I think the child custody/care plan may change over time and need to be adjusted. If the child is in good hands for now, and it's the best situation for him, it may not need to be changed at the moment.