My ex-wife/daughter's mother (it's a long story)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am still legally married to my wife but we are no longer living together. I will start from the beginning when it all started. In late 2014 my wife was pregnant with my daughter. We weren't living together but we knew it was time to. My daughter would be born in less then a month from the time we moved in together along with her mother. Her oldest sister and husband had a house for us to live in from his family. It was a great deal because it was a 3 bedroom house for $800/month. The only way we could move in was if I took control of the rent and bills. The family would control the mother's bank account because she has had history of not getting bills payed and not doing things an adult should do. That should of deew red flags right there for me. I just wanted to start a family like everyone.  Our daughter was born in September of 2014. From the start ut was difficult to be a good husband and father. I believe my wife inherited a lot of problems her mother had because they were so close. They were more close then any of the other siblings. I would try to be a "man" like my wife wanted to but she would criticize me and ridicule if I tried. She had post it notes on the counter top saying "don't go past this line stupid." She wanted the baby bottles hung up to dry but they can't be too close to the sink. She loved calling me stupid and retarded. If I stood up to the verbal and mental abuse then she would say, ":)on't be so sensitive I was joking." If she was joking then why did her face/eyes look so serious and menacing. I started to think maybe I am being sensitive. Living with my wife was so hard because it was like you had to decode everything she said and figure out what she was saying was either truth or a joke. I did many things around the house like laundry, cleaning, cooking and other things around the house. She would find one thing that I might of did that she didn't feel was up to snuff and just let me have it. I would tell her whatever image of a father/husband can't be lived up to. Her mom was a messy person and would be either really high or really low. There was never in between. She suffered from depression because she would just sit on the couch and just look sad. It seemed many times that she wanted you to feel bad for her. Her mom had a history of not asking family for help until she hit absolute rock bottom. She wants you to feel bad for her so I guess she didn't have to ask for help. I thought it was a pride issue at first but the longer I lived with her it was definitely something more. She would drink soo much coffee that she wouldn't eat. I wonder if coffee helped her cope with it like alcohol might for some. Her mom's room was such a mess and she wouldn't clean it up ever. She would join these mobile games and just talk to men for the attention. She had this other persona that my wife would call Nicole. It seemed she wanted the attention from men then toss them to the side when she got what she needed. My wife would so do the same to me. She would love me like I was the best then just push me away. I remember getting a short haircut a number of times and she would tell me, "You look like your going through cancer with that haircut." Who says stuff like this? She would always remind me that its not fair how I could dress and look so cute which according to her came easy for me. She would try to find something to bust on me about maybe because she had her own self insecurities. She would complain about how old the house was and because we had a bug or two she would be disgusted with the whole house. I'm like were in no position financially to just pick up and move. I dared her to go find a house in NJ for a 3 bedroom house at $800/month. She would find stuff but of course it was those house scams that seem to be going on a lot. My wife had this fear or paranoia that someone could harm our daughter at all times. We all have that fear that our kid could get hurt or worse in the care of others but not to the extent she seemed to look at it. You could tell in the future it would be difficult to convince her to let our daughter in daycare/school. Her mother must of put that fear in her because she thought I was doing something inappropriate to my daughter one day. It just so happened that I was closing my daughter's bedroom door just as her mom was walking by from her room. She took that as I was up to something wrong and trying to do a inappropriate thing to her. When all I was doing was changing my daughter's diaper and a cold draft from the hallway would make her room cold. My wife surprisingly defended me and gave her mother a piece of her mind. My wife got a job the next year and she doesn't have a license. I would drive her to work after I got done work then pick her up after. For a few months my car was out of commission so I walked to work which was a easy 15 minute walk. She still had to get to work so a lot of times I would borrow her mom's car. So I'd drive her mom to work, drive my wife to work then pick them up at the end of the late night. Also I would watch my daughter the whole day which I absolutely loved. It was great because nobody was there to critique me and I felt like the chains were taken off. It was so hard to just take the verbal, mental, and yes physical abuse. When I would try to stand up for myself and a decision I made for my daughter she would challenge me on it. It would lead to a heated argument and a few times she would hit me. I had to call the cops once but no charges were pressed. When she held my daughter in her arms and was hitting me is when the straw broke the camel's back. I'd walked away and sometimes would leave to my parents house. They lived around the corner but she would say, "Yeah go ahead and leave. Tell your Dad he raised a pussy." Why am I pussy? Because I won't hit you back and engage in the heated argument/confrontation. I don't know who taught her what a man is but my father taught me you never hit a woman. Especially if you can walk away. So we would try to talk about our problems but it would never get resolved. One day she wasn't home when I got back from work. Her mother was dressed for church and was watching our daughter. I asked her where my wife was and she says she went for a walk at the big park across the street. It was kind of weird for her to do that especially when she was getting ready to leave for church with her mom. So I start calling my wife to see when she will be home. I even tried a few texts but still no answer. You can only see so much of the park from my house. Her mom got tired of waiting for her and went to church. I started to text and call her two sisters to see if they talked to her recently. The middle sister said she would be right over and help find her. I told her she went to the park across the street so she had me stay home with my daughter while her husband and her went to look for her. They come back in less then 10 minutes. Her sister comes in running first and tells me she wants to make sure I hear the truth. She knew how my wife could lie and manipulate others especially me. She tells me that my wife was in a car with another man and when they approached the car it tried to drive away. So she jumped in front of it and told my wife to get out. The man in the car says he is just a friend and doesn't want trouble. It was hard to tell what my wife was actually doing from what her sister says. I talk to my wife and she tells me that the man does counseling in his church. I ask well then do counseling at your church. She says because she is a Jehovah witness she can't. I ask why didn't she pick up her phone? She says I guess it died... .I picked up her phone immediately to see where the battery is at. It was off so I turn it back on and the battery is at above 50%. Next I ask her to unlock it and let me see her recent texts. She tells me no which I was confused by since I let her go through my phone anytime. She tells me, "That's you not me." I'm like what the heck if you have nothing to hide then show me. This was another issue that just never seemed to get resolved. She tries to flip it on me all the time and says I get rides from people to work all the time. Which is not true and I got a ride from a female coworkers once or twice. I would be home immediately if I did and would always have my phone on. So months go by and her mom started to date this guy from the old neighborhood. He comes up from Florida and was supposed to stay up her with family for a few days. Low and behold he is at our house all day/everyday. The landlord begins to notice and asks me why he is over so much. She reminds me he better not be staying the night and he has overstayed his welcome. I totally agreed so mu wife and I tell her she needs to tell him he can't be over so much. Its the way she told him that I'm like what the heck. She belittles him and tell hims she can do so much better. Which was not true but she made herself seem like she was the greatest thing ever. Of course a few days go by and he is back. The build'em up and break it down was definitely there. He likes to nip at the botttle throughout the day and will go drive around my mother in law's car. I get scared for my daughter to be around him. He starts to bring his son over who also was over way too much. It would be near 11 pm and I would tell my wife don't you think they shouls leave. Its time for us to get ready for bed. She is like whats the big deal nobody is stopping you from going to bed. This son of his would come over all the time for dinner and even brought his laundry. I was fed up and told my wife we are barely getting by and this guy is a single batchelor who should do his laundry somewhere else. We can't afford our washer/dryer breaking or any more mess with the landlord. She tries to tell me that its no big deal and that the son is practically family because they knew each through her cousins. I begin to notice that my wife becomes flirty and enjoys the attention from him. I'm no idiot and I see when my wife is interested in another man. I bring it to her attention but of course she tries to flip it onto me. Saying there I go again not trusting her and always thinking she is cheating on me. One night they are all in the living room and she asks me to give our daughter a bath. So while doing that she and the son go to the store. She doesn't bother coming in the bathroom to tell me. She decides to just leave with him. Her mom comes in the bathroom and is standing near the door looking nervous like something was wrong. I had a gut feeling before that something wasn't right. She goes back in the room with her boyfriend and I peak out to see if my wife is there. Nope there is no sign of her or the son. I tell the father/mother in law to call them and get back. While waiting for her to get back, I resume giving my daughter a bath. My wife comes in the bathroom and I'm like where did you go? She has this blank/empty look on her face. She tell me the liquor store but those are closed on Sunday. I'm like don't you see why I'm upset because I said you were flirting with him earlier. Then once again she tries to say, "There you go again not trusting me again, always thinking I'm cheating on you." She never shows remorse for her actions and thinks I'm the reason for everything. A week goes by and she starts telling someone from her church is giving her a ride. Then one night she meets her mom at her sister's hair salon to help clean it. Her mom would clean it to pay back the car and nursing school that the oldest sister along with her husband payed for. I call the sister to see if she can check the cameras to see if my wife is their. She tells me no and then my mind starts racing. Well turns out the "son" was stopping at her job and picking her up. He would drop off food for her and hang out. I found out through the middle sister because she worked with my wife at the same job. The sister was so kind enough to get me video proof, images of him coming in and her leaving with him at the end of the night. Her family besides her mom would defend me to the end and would help me realize that I was a good husband/man. Don't let her lie and manipulate you. They would tell me that she was repeating a lot things that their mother did when they were kids. As soon as some new man would come along its like everybody else got pushed to the back seat. After I found out that the man and her were seeing each other, I left a written letter to my wife and mother. I was tired of it all and didn't deserve any of it. I tried everything to make it work but it was like they fed off each other. My wife wouldn't take responsibility for anything and would dream of things that just seemed way out of reality. It's like she would destroy everything around her and then family was left to pick up the pieces. I moved out and started to live with my parents. There was no way I could afford to live on my own and plus I was afraid to be on my own especially everything I just went through. My wife says I abandoned her and my daughter. I left them freezing cold one night because I took the electric/heat off my name. What she didn't know was the oldest sister and her husband would take care of the heat/electric for me. My wife got pregnant a week or two later by the "son" which would be her new boyfriend. She didn't find out she was until months later and she didn't tell me. One of her sister's told me because my wife was afraid to tell me. I am definitely sure he is not mine because the boyfriend even made her get a paternity test. They ended up having a son but the time building up to that I had our daughter in my custody much more then she did. I would have to drive out there many times because they would get in a huge fight and he wasn't making a effort to build a relationship with my daughter. Her own family would tell me how I need to go for custody of my daughter and that I have her much more. The problem is I can't financially and that would mean I'd have to work even more. With the way her mother is, I would get a call in the middle of work to come get my daughter because she did more to ruin her life. Like she did after her son was born. Her and the boyfriend didn't work out because he tried to control her... .hmmmm I wonder why. Now her middle sister took her in for a few days and said she was afraid the boyfriend would take away their son. It seemed to be she was hiding but a few days later the boyfriend came to pick her up. The middle sister and husband were very angry for her telling him where they live. If she wanted to meet him somewhere so he could see his son then they would of drove her to another spot. It's just another example of her using people to get what she needs then moving on once she gets it. Now my wife (yes I'm still married to her) which I hope with the upcoming income tax we can get this divorce started. The middle sister said she had to go but she would help her find a place. So they went to the state and they put her in a house for 3 months to a year. They asked about my daughter and I which she told them I give her money/support, diapers, and food. Now I'm sitting around waiting for us to meet with the state and child support people. I wouldn't doubt for one second if she lied to them and said I don't give her anything. I have texts after texts of her asking me for money and saying thank you for it. Numerous texts saying how I am such a great father and my daughter is lucky to have me there. She would also tell me that I'm a better human then her (my wife) and how great of a man I am to do things for her even through all this. I gave her rides and so many other things. Now I've tried to give her a money order before and she went off in a rage. We just did our income tax and once the money is in my account I will write her a check. She doesn't have a bank account but I can't afford to take the chance of giving her over $2000 without a paper trail. I just hope the state can see how much of a unstable environment that my wife lives. I have this fear that state will take her side much more then me because she is a liar/manipulator. I'm in the process of getting all the important texts and receipts together. I will even get the slip from the police from the time I called the cops on her for hitting me. I'm trying to be civil and avoid court but I have this fear welfare won't see my side because my wife is the mother which they tend to favor.

[Dwreck83]

I am still legally married to my wife but we are no longer living together. I will start from the beginning when it all started. In late 2014 my wife was pregnant with my daughter. We weren't living together but we knew it was time to. My daughter would be born in less then a month from the time we moved in together along with her mother. Her oldest sister and husband had a house for us to live in from his family. It was a great deal because it was a 3 bedroom house for $800/month. The only way we could move in was if I took control of the rent and bills. The family would control the mother's bank account because she has had history of not getting bills payed and not doing things an adult should do. That should of deew red flags right there for me. I just wanted to start a family like everyone.  Our daughter was born in September of 2014. From the start ut was difficult to be a good husband and father. I believe my wife inherited a lot of problems her mother had because they were so close. They were more close then any of the other siblings. I would try to be a "man" like my wife wanted to but she would criticize me and ridicule if I tried. She had post it notes on the counter top saying "don't go past this line stupid." She wanted the baby bottles hung up to dry but they can't be too close to the sink. She loved calling me stupid and retarded. If I stood up to the verbal and mental abuse then she would say, ":)on't be so sensitive I was joking." If she was joking then why did her face/eyes look so serious and menacing. I started to think maybe I am being sensitive. Living with my wife was so hard because it was like you had to decode everything she said and figure out what she was saying was either truth or a joke. I did many things around the house like laundry, cleaning, cooking and other things around the house. She would find one thing that I might of did that she didn't feel was up to snuff and just let me have it. I would tell her whatever image of a father/husband can't be lived up to. Her mom was a messy person and would be either really high or really low. There was never in between. She suffered from depression because she would just sit on the couch and just look sad. It seemed many times that she wanted you to feel bad for her. Her mom had a history of not asking family for help until she hit absolute rock bottom. She wants you to feel bad for her so I guess she didn't have to ask for help. I thought it was a pride issue at first but the longer I lived with her it was definitely something more. She would drink soo much coffee that she wouldn't eat. I wonder if coffee helped her cope with it like alcohol might for some. Her mom's room was such a mess and she wouldn't clean it up ever. She would join these mobile games and just talk to men for the attention. She had this other persona that my wife would call Nicole. It seemed she wanted the attention from men then toss them to the side when she got what she needed. My wife would so do the same to me. She would love me like I was the best then just push me away. I remember getting a short haircut a number of times and she would tell me, "You look like your going through cancer with that haircut." Who says stuff like this? She would always remind me that its not fair how I could dress and look so cute which according to her came easy for me. She would try to find something to bust on me about maybe because she had her own self insecurities. She would complain about how old the house was and because we had a bug or two she would be disgusted with the whole house. I'm like were in no position financially to just pick up and move. I dared her to go find a house in NJ for a 3 bedroom house at $800/month. She would find stuff but of course it was those house scams that seem to be going on a lot. My wife had this fear or paranoia that someone could harm our daughter at all times. We all have that fear that our kid could get hurt or worse in the care of others but not to the extent she seemed to look at it. You could tell in the future it would be difficult to convince her to let our daughter in daycare/school. Her mother must of put that fear in her because she thought I was doing something inappropriate to my daughter one day. It just so happened that I was closing my daughter's bedroom door just as her mom was walking by from her room. She took that as I was up to something wrong and trying to do a inappropriate thing to her. When all I was doing was changing my daughter's diaper and a cold draft from the hallway would make her room cold. My wife surprisingly defended me and gave her mother a piece of her mind. My wife got a job the next year and she doesn't have a license. I would drive her to work after I got done work then pick her up after. For a few months my car was out of commission so I walked to work which was a easy 15 minute walk. She still had to get to work so a lot of times I would borrow her mom's car. So I'd drive her mom to work, drive my wife to work then pick them up at the end of the late night. Also I would watch my daughter the whole day which I absolutely loved. It was great because nobody was there to critique me and I felt like the chains were taken off. It was so hard to just take the verbal, mental, and yes physical abuse. When I would try to stand up for myself and a decision I made for my daughter she would challenge me on it. It would lead to a heated argument and a few times she would hit me. I had to call the cops once but no charges were pressed. When she held my daughter in her arms and was hitting me is when the straw broke the camel's back. I'd walked away and sometimes would leave to my parents house. They lived around the corner but she would say, "Yeah go ahead and leave. Tell your Dad he raised a pussy." Why am I pussy? Because I won't hit you back and engage in the heated argument/confrontation. I don't know who taught her what a man is but my father taught me you never hit a woman. Especially if you can walk away. So we would try to talk about our problems but it would never get resolved. One day she wasn't home when I got back from work. Her mother was dressed for church and was watching our daughter. I asked her where my wife was and she says she went for a walk at the big park across the street. It was kind of weird for her to do that especially when she was getting ready to leave for church with her mom. So I start calling my wife to see when she will be home. I even tried a few texts but still no answer. You can only see so much of the park from my house. Her mom got tired of waiting for her and went to church. I started to text and call her two sisters to see if they talked to her recently. The middle sister said she would be right over and help find her. I told her she went to the park across the street so she had me stay home with my daughter while her husband and her went to look for her. They come back in less then 10 minutes. Her sister comes in running first and tells me she wants to make sure I hear the truth. She knew how my wife could lie and manipulate others especially me. She tells me that my wife was in a car with another man and when they approached the car it tried to drive away. So she jumped in front of it and told my wife to get out. The man in the car says he is just a friend and doesn't want trouble. It was hard to tell what my wife was actually doing from what her sister says. I talk to my wife and she tells me that the man does counseling in his church. I ask well then do counseling at your church. She says because she is a Jehovah witness she can't. I ask why didn't she pick up her phone? She says I guess it died... .I picked up her phone immediately to see where the battery is at. It was off so I turn it back on and the battery is at above 50%. Next I ask her to unlock it and let me see her recent texts. She tells me no which I was confused by since I let her go through my phone anytime. She tells me, "That's you not me." I'm like what the heck if you have nothing to hide then show me. This was another issue that just never seemed to get resolved. She tries to flip it on me all the time and says I get rides from people to work all the time. Which is not true and I got a ride from a female coworkers once or twice. I would be home immediately if I did and would always have my phone on. So months go by and her mom started to date this guy from the old neighborhood. He comes up from Florida and was supposed to stay up her with family for a few days. Low and behold he is at our house all day/everyday. The landlord begins to notice and asks me why he is over so much. She reminds me he better not be staying the night and he has overstayed his welcome. I totally agreed so mu wife and I tell her she needs to tell him he can't be over so much. Its the way she told him that I'm like what the heck. She belittles him and tell hims she can do so much better. Which was not true but she made herself seem like she was the greatest thing ever. Of course a few days go by and he is back. The build'em up and break it down was definitely there. He likes to nip at the botttle throughout the day and will go drive around my mother in law's car. I get scared for my daughter to be around him. He starts to bring his son over who also was over way too much. It would be near 11 pm and I would tell my wife don't you think they shouls leave. Its time for us to get ready for bed. She is like whats the big deal nobody is stopping you from going to bed. This son of his would come over all the time for dinner and even brought his laundry. I was fed up and told my wife we are barely getting by and this guy is a single batchelor who should do his laundry somewhere else. We can't afford our washer/dryer breaking or any more mess with the landlord. She tries to tell me that its no big deal and that the son is practically family because they knew each through her cousins. I begin to notice that my wife becomes flirty and enjoys the attention from him. I'm no idiot and I see when my wife is interested in another man. I bring it to her attention but of course she tries to flip it onto me. Saying there I go again not trusting her and always thinking she is cheating on me. One night they are all in the living room and she asks me to give our daughter a bath. So while doing that she and the son go to the store. She doesn't bother coming in the bathroom to tell me. She decides to just leave with him. Her mom comes in the bathroom and is standing near the door looking nervous like something was wrong. I had a gut feeling before that something wasn't right. She goes back in the room with her boyfriend and I peak out to see if my wife is there. Nope there is no sign of her or the son. I tell the father/mother in law to call them and get back. While waiting for her to get back, I resume giving my daughter a bath. My wife comes in the bathroom and I'm like where did you go? She has this blank/empty look on her face. She tell me the liquor store but those are closed on Sunday. I'm like don't you see why I'm upset because I said you were flirting with him earlier. Then once again she tries to say, "There you go again not trusting me again, always thinking I'm cheating on you." She never shows remorse for her actions and thinks I'm the reason for everything. A week goes by and she starts telling someone from her church is giving her a ride. Then one night she meets her mom at her sister's hair salon to help clean it. Her mom would clean it to pay back the car and nursing school that the oldest sister along with her husband payed for. I call the sister to see if she can check the cameras to see if my wife is their. She tells me no and then my mind starts racing. Well turns out the "son" was stopping at her job and picking her up. He would drop off food for her and hang out. I found out through the middle sister because she worked with my wife at the same job. The sister was so kind enough to get me video proof, images of him coming in and her leaving with him at the end of the night. Her family besides her mom would defend me to the end and would help me realize that I was a good husband/man. Don't let her lie and manipulate you. They would tell me that she was repeating a lot things that their mother did when they were kids. As soon as some new man would come along its like everybody else got pushed to the back seat. After I found out that the man and her were seeing each other, I left a written letter to my wife and mother. I was tired of it all and didn't deserve any of it. I tried everything to make it work but it was like they fed off each other. My wife wouldn't take responsibility for anything and would dream of things that just seemed way out of reality. It's like she would destroy everything around her and then family was left to pick up the pieces. I moved out and started to live with my parents. There was no way I could afford to live on my own and plus I was afraid to be on my own especially everything I just went through. My wife says I abandoned her and my daughter. I left them freezing cold one night because I took the electric/heat off my name. What she didn't know was the oldest sister and her husband would take care of the heat/electric for me. My wife got pregnant a week or two later by the "son" which would be her new boyfriend. She didn't find out she was until months later and she didn't tell me. One of her sister's told me because my wife was afraid to tell me. I am definitely sure he is not mine because the boyfriend even made her get a paternity test. They ended up having a son but the time building up to that I had our daughter in my custody much more then she did. I would have to drive out there many times because they would get in a huge fight and he wasn't making a effort to build a relationship with my daughter. Her own family would tell me how I need to go for custody of my daughter and that I have her much more. The problem is I can't financially and that would mean I'd have to work even more. With the way her mother is, I would get a call in the middle of work to come get my daughter because she did more to ruin her life. Like she did after her son was born. Her and the boyfriend didn't work out because he tried to control her... .hmmmm I wonder why. Now her middle sister took her in for a few days and said she was afraid the boyfriend would take away their son. It seemed to be she was hiding but a few days later the boyfriend came to pick her up. The middle sister and husband were very angry for her telling him where they live. If she wanted to meet him somewhere so he could see his son then they would of drove her to another spot. It's just another example of her using people to get what she needs then moving on once she gets it. Now my wife (yes I'm still married to her) which I hope with the upcoming income tax we can get this divorce started. The middle sister said she had to go but she would help her find a place. So they went to the state and they put her in a house for 3 months to a year. They asked about my daughter and I which she told them I give her money/support, diapers, and food. Now I'm sitting around waiting for us to meet with the state and child support people. I wouldn't doubt for one second if she lied to them and said I don't give her anything. I have texts after texts of her asking me for money and saying thank you for it. Numerous texts saying how I am such a great father and my daughter is lucky to have me there. She would also tell me that I'm a better human then her (my wife) and how great of a man I am to do things for her even through all this. I gave her rides and so many other things. Now I've tried to give her a money order before and she went off in a rage. We just did our income tax and once the money is in my account I will write her a check. She doesn't have a bank account but I can't afford to take the chance of giving her over $2000 without a paper trail. I just hope the state can see how much of a unstable environment that my wife lives. I have this fear that state will take her side much more then me because she is a liar/manipulator. I'm in the process of getting all the important texts and receipts together. I will even get the slip from the police from the time I called the cops on her for hitting me. I'm trying to be civil and avoid court but I have this fear welfare won't see my side because my wife is the mother which they tend to favor.

[livednlearned]

Hi Dwreck83,

I'm glad you found the site and sorry for what brings you here.

(Sorry to take a day to respond -- it's a bit hard to read your thread block of text without any paragraph breaks in it, especially from a small screen... .)

Like you said, it's important that there is documentation. Smart!

You want to legally divorce your wife, is that correct?

[takingandsending]

Hello Dwreck83 and welcome to  bpdfamily.

You have certainly had a lot to deal with. The emotional turmoil and not being recognized for efforts you make to help out are things that many of us who have lived with a person with BPD have experienced. I am so sorry that you are going through that now. How are you doing overall? Are you getting enough support for your own health and well being?

You mention that you are living with your parents now. Where is your daughter? Do you have her at this time, or is she living with your wife? What are your hopes for custody in the divorce?

You also mention that you are hoping to avoid court and that currently your wife's situation is being reviewed by state welfare. Have you, or are you considering hiring an attorney?

We don't offer legal advice on this board, but there are a lot of folks who can provide a wealth of experience in possible strategies, pitfalls, communication tools and documentation to assist you in this process.

I encourage you to keep posting and asking questions on this board. And again, welcome to  bpdfamily.

[ForeverDad]

My wife had this fear or paranoia that someone could harm our daughter at all times. We all have that fear that our kid could get hurt or worse in the care of others but not to the extent she seemed to look at it. You could tell in the future it would be difficult to convince her to let our daughter in daycare/school.

My Ex was very paranoid too.  Actually, I felt she was more Paranoid PD (fit every trait) than Borderline PD.  It was her and 'her' son against the world, friends, family, eventually even me.  Don't take him outside or he'll get taken by abductors lurking in the bushes.  And after assorted news stories... .Don't take him to the grocery store because he'll be abused in the aisles by exhibitionists.  Don't put him in daycare because babies die in cribs there.  Don't send him to public school because a teacher's aide will abuse him.  And so on.  When I saw her looking at me cross-eyed, trying to make herself suspicious, I knew The End was approaching.  Sure enough, within a few months our marriage imploded with a call to 911.

When she held my daughter in her arms and was hitting me is when the straw broke the camel's back. I'd walked away and sometimes would leave to my parents house. They lived around the corner but she would say, "Yeah go ahead and leave. Tell your Dad he raised a pussy." Why am I pussy? Because I won't hit you back and engage in the heated argument/confrontation.

Yes, you as a man can't risk giving in to the taunting and dares, the legal repercussions can be immense.  Even a woman claiming without proof to have been hit, punched, shoved, pushed or whatever can put the man in jail overnight or for the weekend and perhaps even facing a restraining/protection order.

The middle sister... .comes in running first and tells me she wants to make sure I hear the truth. She knew how my wife could lie and manipulate others especially me. She tells me that my wife was in a car with another man and when they approached the car it tried to drive away. So she jumped in front of it and told my wife to get out. The man in the car says he is just a friend and doesn't want trouble... .
Her own family would tell me how I need to go for custody of my daughter and that I have her much more.  The problem is I can't financially and that would mean I'd have to work even more.

I get the impression your SIL is a relatively normal person?  Sounds like you may have some sincere supporters among the relatives, well, except for her mother of course.

To a certain extent, forget the financial limitations.  Your daughter needs YOU as the stable parent taking the lead in her life and caregiving.  Many of your in-laws sound like sensible supportive persons, if you had to work more then I would hope they'd step in to assist as part-time caregivers.  After all, once she is old enough for school, that will lessen the time obligations.

Next I ask her to unlock her phone and let me see her recent texts. She tells me no which I was confused by since I let her go through my phone anytime. She tells me, "That's you not me." I'm like what the heck if you have nothing to hide then show me.

Yes, she makes rules for you but doesn't have to follow them herself.   That's absurd but many here faced that for years, often starting small and increasing over time.  You say yes, she says no, guess what the result is.  That's unhealthy and dysfunctional, as so much in in this relationship.

I ask well then do counseling at your church. She says because she is a Jehovah witness she can't.

False.  I know from personal experience that elders from congregations of Jehovah's Witnesses can and do provide counsel, however they limit it as much as possible to principles and guidelines from the Bible itself.  They're not to say "I think... .{whatever}"  Also, an elder would never counsel a woman without at least one other present, generally too the spouse as well.  I recall one bluntly told me, "She needs a psychiatrist."  When they realize a person is not responding and there appear to be cognitive issues, they willingly defer to trained professionals.  From what you related, it's evident your spouse was just giving excuses to deflect from her actions.  In other words, something akin to crocodile tears, sorrow for getting caught not for the actions.

I begin to notice that my wife becomes flirty and enjoys the attention from him. I'm no idiot and I see when my wife is interested in another man. I bring it to her attention but of course she tries to flip it onto me.

Emotional affairs are a real risk.  He husband, you, has a right to tell her that flirting is not appropriate.  Projecting her behaviors onto you is typical BPD Blame Shifting.

I'm trying to be civil and avoid court but... .

Sadly, in the family court and associated agencies and professionals, Nice Guys don't automatically get the credit they deserve.  It's a judicial system, not a justice system.  It wouldn't go out of it's way to help the Nice Guy.  Since you can't count on the legal or social systems to figure it out on their own, you need to be proactive for your child's welfare and have solid strategies for success.  Hopes and wishes won't do it.  Fortunately it seems you have some in-laws who will be good advocates and supporters for you and your dear daughter.