A Long Road: She's only 13

[HopeInTheStorms]

Hello everyone,

I've stumbled upon this forum during a period of desperation when it comes to my 13 year old daughter. I want to give background, but please forgive me for the novel of information that is going to follow.

My daughter is such a feisty, spirited, creative, and wonderful human being. She is sweet, and witty, and feels everything so deeply. I look back and wonder how we've come to this point, to me writing this post and sending it off into the electronic universe, but if I'm being honest, my sweet girl has always been a handful with very large emotions.

I started my daughter in therapy at 9 years old due to her struggles with maintaining relationships and to process a very strained relationship with her dad. This lead to the uncovering of trauma and abuse they had happened there, as her father and I divorced when she was 4.

After almost a year in therapy, my daughter was expressing suicidal ideation at 10 years old and her therapist recommended I have her enrolled in a partial hospitalization program (I did take her to the ER for evaluation after her statements, but we were sent home). She began that program, and during one of our weekly family therapy sessions, I logged on via Zoom and my daughter wasn't with the on site therapist as usual. I was informed that she had expressed suicidal ideation and had a plan of how she would do it. Her PHP therapist informed me that she was very nihilistic and didn't see the point in living. I was told she was being transferred to their inpatient facility immediately.

While in inpatient, I worked with the psychiatrist and we started her on an antidepressant and a sleep medication, as one of my big concerns was her inability to sleep. She would go 24-72 hours with NO sleep when things were getting really bad. Her psychiatrist also stated that he believed she was showing signs of "emerging BPD" but was too young for any official diagnosis. Her stay lasted 8 days, cut short due to her refusal to eat at that point and the fact she was really struggling with being away from me. Ultimately, it was decided to have her come home, as her stay was causing her a great amount of emotional turmoil. Afterwards, she returned to PHP to finish out the 2021-2022 school year.

In the middle of the 2022-2023 school year, I received a call from her public school requesting I come meet with them immediately. I walked in and was met by the counselor and the principal. My daughter had gotten into an argument with her best friend at the time and said some really ugly things. The school told me they just didn't have to resources to help my daughter and that they recommended I look into a day treatment program. I discussed this with her therapist and due to my daughter's downward spiral when it came to her mental health, we felt a return to PHP before the day treatment program could be beneficial. Her PHP lasted for 2 months, and from there, she went into a day treatment program for 3 months. Between her transition from PHP to day treatment, her therapist of nearly 2 years stated she felt my daughter's needs were too acute for Telehealth therapy sessions (due to a diagnosis of other specified dissociative disorder she had given my daughter), and she advised me to find an in person therapist instead. That relationship was terminated.

Here we are in 2025 and she seemed to be doing better, however, she's had 4 best friends since that time and every single friendship has imploded, and every single one of them had the parents involved in cutting my daughter from their child's life. Statements of "she's toxic, " "she's ruthless in arguments" and "she's too different" are some of the reasons. Every school relationship has been great at first, and then she's no longer friends with them over some conflict that occurred.

She had one very, very best friend who was her favorite person in the world. Her friend moved 7 hours away, but thanks to technology, they've kept in close contact and have been able to play games and keep that friendship going. They talked everyday, sometimes for hours, and my daughter was so devastated her friend lived so far away. A weekend trip for them to see each other was out of the question, as this girl's family is one that stated she's toxic.

Well, my daughter and her got into an argument 2 days ago. This friend made a comment after that maybe they shouldn't be friends and her whole family thought she was a toxic person. My daughter became devastated and emotional which led to her freaking out and making the situation worse, as she first reacted in hurt and rage, and then in desperation for this friend to remain in her life. Now this last friend she had has blocked her on everything.

My daughter is absolutely crushed, she says that friend is all she had left and she truly doesn't understand how they could go from being so, so close to her being completely cutoff. I'm scared, I'm hurting for her, and I feel absolutely hopeless. This is the age where she should be hanging out with friends and having sleepovers. She truly is such an amazing, unique, incredible person and it breaks my heart that people don't see that.

That's what brings me here. I'm not really seeking anything in particular, I guess I'm just crying out to the universe as a mother that is at a loss for how to help my complex child. No one seems to understand and even the therapists outside of that one psychiatrist just brush off the potential of emerging BPD, stating she's way too young and I never should have been told that.

My heart hurts and I'm tired. If I feel this way, I know she's feeling it even worse. It's just so unfair.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello and a warm

Age 13 is challenging already, and then to layer possible BPD on top of that... I think anyone would feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and at a loss. Like your post title says, it's already been a long road, and you know there's still a lot of the journey left.

No one seems to understand and even the therapists outside of that one psychiatrist just brush off the potential of emerging BPD, stating she's way too young and I never should have been told that.

Touching on this first, I think there is a change at the forefront of research to understanding that it's not like some switch gets flipped, and at age 17 years 364 days "your child does not have BPD, she's just a teenager" but at age 18 years 0 days "oh yeah, that's definitely BPD".

Dr. Blaise Aguierre, who I believe is affiliated with McLean Hospital, wrote Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents and suggests that yes, BPD is diagnosable in teens and can be differentiated from "typical teen" behavior and from other psychiatric challenges. Not sure if you've had a chance to look at it yet -- could be a helpful resource.

McLean Hospital has a treatment center focused on teens with BPD (or teens without BPD who could benefit from DBT). So, they too see BPD as possible in adolescents.

All that to say -- whatever the "label" for what your precious daughter is going through, BPD is a possibility at that age, and I feel you on wanting to get her real, effective help, so that instead of a life of struggle and pain, she can enjoy peace and strong relationships 

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Another good resource for families where a member has BPD is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder's free program called Family Connections™ - BPD/Emotion Dysregulation. I took it last year (briefly, my husband's kids' mom has many traits of BPD) and found it helpful, clinically up to date, and supportive. There is typically a waitlist (I believe I waited ~7 months) so it could be worth signing up now. You can always opt out later if life changes.

The group I was in did include parents as well, and many parents were in a similar position -- loving their children, having compassion for their children, but needing to find new ways to parent and support their children.

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Just a few questions to get a bigger picture:

Is your D13 generally compliant with going to treatment? What I mean is -- sure, she might verbally say "I hate this, I don't want to go, you're ruining my life", but fundamentally does she go? Doesn't try to run away, leave the office/facility, etc?

Does she seem to want help with having better friendships/relationships?

Who else lives at home -- do you have a spouse/partner? Other children? How's the family doing?

Fill us in some more, anytime... we'll be here.